Deuteronomy 22

This has to be the most random chapter so far. So let's get to it!

If you find a lost ox or sheep, take it back to its owner, or at least put up "found" posters and feed the thing until its rightful owner comes to claim it. Same goes for any donkeys or cloaks you find. Well, feed the donkey but put the cloak in the lost and found. The important thing is that you don’t keep what clearly belongs to others.

Help fallen donkeys or oxen to their feet. Yeah, you heard me.

Neither should women wear men's clothing nor should men wear women's clothing. God detests it. Take that, Monty Python.

Feel free to take chicks or eggs out of bird nests but don't take the mother. After all, she may create more eggs for you to steal later.

To guard against anyone falling off your roof, build a parapet around its perimeter. Or maybe don't let people onto your roof. Just an idea.

Plant only one kind of seed in your vineyard. Maybe you can divide the vineyard in two. That seems like an easy fix.

Do not yoke a donkey and an ox together. They hate that.

Do not make one garment out of wool and linen. It's a bitch to iron.

Make sure tassels hang from the four corners of your cloak. But first you need a cloak, preferably one not made out of wool and linen.

If a man marries a woman and expresses doubt, upon consummation, that she was a virgin, her parents must offer up proof of her virginity. What that would be I'm not entirely sure. An affidavit from her ObGyn? A notarized letter from prior boyfriends stating that she never gave it up? If her virginity is proven then her husband will be fined 100 shekels, to be delivered to the girl's father. As further punishment the man can never divorce her. No word on who that punishes, though.

If no proof of the girl's virginity is offered then the girl should be stoned to death. Likewise, adulterous couples should be stoned to death.

A man who rapes a woman who is engaged to be married should be put to death. If the girl is single, he owes her 50 and must marry her. Because if there’s anything we can all agree on it’s that forcing a woman to marry the man who raped her is the very definition of justice.

You can't marry your father's wife, which, I assume, means his wife who is not your mother. There are some things that don't need to be said.

Deuteronomy 21

Here's a question for you: you're out for a stroll in the Promised Land, just a normal everyday walk through the new neighborhood, and you come upon a dead body. You take a look around, maybe under a nearby bush or rock, and you can't figure out who the killer is. Not so unusual. After all, only in movies do killers leave calling cards. What should you do?

You have the elders of the nearest town take a heifer that has neither worked nor worn a yoke down to stream in a valley that has never been plowed or planted with crops. The elders should break the heifer's neck and the priests of the town should wash their hands over the dead beast, asking God to hold them blameless for the death of this man.

Or you could call homicide and have them investigate. Your choice.

Here's another one: in the land you've just conquered you notice a beautiful woman among those taken captive. What should you do?

Take her as your wife, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and have her walk around naked for a month until she has properly mourned her family. Then the two of you can go through town as a proper husband and wife. Unless you get tired of her, in which case you tell her to get lost.

Or you can keep it in your pants. Either one is probably fine.

How about this one: you have two wives, only one of whom you love, and they both bear you sons, but the firstborn son is of the wife you don't love. What should you do?

You should honor the commitments you have to the actual firstborn son and not punish the boy because of the relationship you have with his mother.

Or you could just marry one woman, Joseph Smith. But you know, six of one, half dozen the other.

Just one more: you have a rebellious son who drinks and eats to excess and never listens to you. What do you do?

Why stone him to death, of course.

Or you could...nah, stone him. He deserves it.

Bonus question: someone has been found guilty of a capital offense and put to death, and his body hung on a pole in the center of town. Should you leave the body there overnight?

Wait, what? What kind of book is this anyway?

Deutronomy 20

In the face of what looks to be a hard fought battle for control of the Promised Land, God lays down the ways any chickenshit men can weasel out of their obligation to fight. The rules are amazingly lax and ripe for abuse. Exemptions are included for:

1. Any man who has recently constructed a new house but has yet to dedicate it, because if he dies in battle another man will live in it.

2. Any man who has recently planted a vineyard but has yet to eat any grapes from it, because he may die in battle and another man may get the first taste.

3. Any man recently engaged but not yet married, because he may die in battle and another man may marry her.

4. Any man who is afraid to fight, lest his fear spread to the other soldiers.

With such broad categories almost anything applies. What if I was given an iPod for my birthday and have yet to download an app to it? What if I started a blog but haven't had time to write my first post? What if I bought a new car but have yet to take it on a proper road trip? It's a wonder anyone will be in this army at all.

Once the battle begins, the Israeli army should, before attacking a city, make an offer of peace. Because who wouldn’t accept an offer of peace from an armed hoard bent on occupying your land? What could go wrong? Well, for one thing, if the residents do accept the offer of peace they will all be forced to work for the Israelites. Sounds like someone needs to read the terms of service pretty closely before just clicking “agree.”

If they decline the kind offer of involuntary servitude then their land will be laid siege and all the men will be killed, and all the women, children, and livestock will be considered spoils of war to be used in who knows what depraved ways. That's a difficult choice right there.

But this kind of mercy pertains only to the cities that are not part of what God considers the Israelites' inheritance, namely the cities belonging to the Hittites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites. They should be completely destroyed and every living thing in them killed without first making an offer of peace, chiefly because those people will only corrupt the Israelites' morality. Irony, as we have come to learn, is not one of God's strong suits.

God does have one rule about attacking cities: don't cut down the fruit trees. Yes, by all means, spare the trees! Cut down the women and children, but for God's sake leave the lemon trees alone! "Are the trees people, that you should besiege them?" asks the New International Version. Why of course not, but isn't that the point? People should be treated better than trees, don't you think?

It turns out that the concern is not for all trees, just the ones that bear something humans can eat. Any non–fruit bearing trees should be cut down and fashioned into walls to protect the Israelites against attacks from the people they attack. After all, self-defense doesn’t mean other people get to defend themselves.

Deuteronomy 19

After God clear cuts the people already living in the Promised Land and the Israelites set up shop, they should set aside three cities as asylum for people who accidentally kill other people. Why is God forcing the issue? Because He wants to ensure that no innocent blood is spilled in the land where untold numbers are about to be slaughtered for the sin of living in a place desired by a nation with a stronger army.  I guess God does love America after all.

Like I said, only those who have accidentally killed someone, without, as the New International Version puts it, "malice aforethought," can take advantage of these special cities. The example given of an accidental killing, and I am not making this up, is if  man is chopping wood in a forest and the ax head flies off on a down stroke and buries itself in his neighbor's chest. Unless you've ever watched "Forensic Files" this is obviously an accident, which entitles the ax-wielding nonmaniac to asylum to escape the neighbor's bloodthirsty kin.

But what of the man who lies in wait for another man and murders him? That dude is shit out of luck, for even if he does make it to the special asylum land he must be dragged back to the town where the murder was committed and be put to death. I suppose the lesson here is that if you plan on killing someone invite them out wood chopping.

There is one catch, however. One can only be convicted of a crime on the testimony of two or three witnesses. So basically, it's three witnesses, because you know the defense attorney would argue that the higher standard for witnesses must be used or else why was the law delivered in that way? Lawyers. Always paying attention to how laws are written.

And wipe any thought of bearing false witness against someone. Not only does it violate one of the Ten Commandments, you will actually be punished for it. However, the threat is vague: the court is instructed to do unto the false witness what he meant to do to the accused. So I'm guessing that means lie about him? Send him to jail? Whatever it is, the false witness’s punishment should be commensurate with his intention toward the accused: a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, and a foot for a foot. No life for a foot, or a tooth for a hand, although I consider an eye for a foot to be pretty much equal. I guess that's why I never get picked for jury duty.

Deuteronomy 18

Deuteronomy 18

Remember the Levites? No? Well, they carried the Tabernacle through the desert. It was a pretty sweet gig. And their reward? They have no inheritance from Israel--the country, not the person. The Levites can't own land, so they can't pass it down generation to generation. Because they can't own land, they can't raise livestock or grow their own crops. As a result, all of Israel must donate to the Levites' well-being.

Like I said before: the Levites are welfare queens.

Moses wants to ensure that when the Israelites finally take possession of the Promised Land that they don't "learn to do after the abominations of those nations." Way to be a dick to the people you're about to conquer and dispossess of their land, Moses. Maybe next time be kinder to the people you’re about to throw off their ancestral homeland.

                                  

Here's the short list of forbidden practices:

·  Sacrificing your children in a fire

·  Acts of divination

·  Being an "observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch" ( basically dealing in the occult)

·  Or "a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer" (the last one means someone who consults with the dead. I’m looking at you, twelve apostles)

So basically Dungeons & Dragons is out.

God, through Moses, promises to send a prophet to the Israelites, one who will come from their ranks and through whom God will speak. God instructs the Israelites to listen to this prophet, because what good is a prophet who no one listens too? But God warns against false prophets, ones who will claim to speak for God but are just out to make a quick buck for their megachurch.

The Israelites, understandably, want to know how they can discern the true prophet from the false. As usual, God has an answer for that.

"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord," Moses says, "if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him."

So basically, the only way to tell if a prophet is false is if the predictions he makes fail to come true. Which means the Israelites might follow a false prophet for years and years only to discover the truth well after it can do them any good. What could possibly go wrong with that plan?

Deuteronomy 15, 16, 17

Deuteronomy 15
All debts are cancelled after seven years. For Israeltes, that is You can hold the debts of strangers for as long as you want.

And here's something you don't hear conservative Christian politicians quoting a lot: God's commandment toward the poor:

If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the Lord thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother: But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth

Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the Lord against thee, and it be sin unto thee.

Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the Lord thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.

For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

 That was nice, wasn't it? It almost makes me want to be religious so I don't have to follow it.

But it's a brief respite, because Moses turns now to slavery.

If you bought an Israelite as a slave then you must free him or her on the seventh year. When you send them on their way you need to provide them with tons of animals, grain, and wine, which presumably makes up for slavery. Forty acres and a mule, am I right?

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the slave you're about to set free decides he loves you and would rather stay. Let’s pretend it happens all the time. What do you do then? Why what any rational person would do: pierce his earlobe with an awl, nailing him directly to a door. What? You can think of something better?

Deuteronomy 16
Pretty straightforward book:

Observe Passover. You know what that means.

Observe the Feast of Weeks. If you were the kind of person who celebrated it you'd know what it was.

Observe the Feast of Tabernacles. It probably has something to do with camping.

Appoint fair judges.

Don't worship graven images.

Done!

Deuteronomy 17
When you sacrifice animals to God, ensure said animals are blemish free. I recommend Proactiv.

If you notice any man or woman acting without regard to God's commandments you should stone them to death. On second thought, maybe it's a good thing that no one pays perfect attention to the bible after all.

Disagreements too difficult for the parties to settle between themselves should be brought before the judges or priests. Be careful though: if you don't follow their advice exactly you will be put to death.

When it comes time to elect a king make sure it's the one that God has chosen. Which flies in the face of the whole "election" thing, but what can you do? And he--of course it's a man--should not keep an unusual number of horses, return the Istraelites to Egypt, have many wifes, accumulate gold or silver, or think himself better than his subjects.

Something tells me the king list is going to be kind of short.

Deuteronomy 14

As if we haven’t heard this enough, Moses reiterates the dos and don’ts of Jewish cuisine, plus a few random no-nos. I’d think that people living in deserts wouldn’t have the luxury of being so picky, but to each his own, especially when God’s pointing his big angry finger at you.

Let's hit the bullets:

·  When someone dies, don't cut yourselves or shave the front of your head. That means Peter Gabriel is in a lot of trouble

·  Eat only oxen, sheep, goat, hart (which are a kind of deer), roebuck (which are male deer), wild goats, pygarg (which may be antelopes), wiled oxen, and chamois (which are large mountain goats; no word on whether or not it's kosher to use a ShamWow)

·  Handy rule: you can eat any animal that has a cloven hoof and chews a cud; both traits are necessary. That means no camel (chews cud but has an undivided hoof) or pig (divided hoof but doesn't chew cud). Maybe someday geneticists will create a pamel, a gigantic pig with bacon humps, spindly legs, and the head of a camel. It just seems a shame that there are so many people in the world who cannot eat bacon

·  Don't touch the carcass of an unclean animal. Now that I think about it, just leave carcasses alone. That's just gross

·  Anything in the water with scales and fins you can eat; anything else from the water is unclean, which means mermaids are fair game

·   Birds in general are cool

·  Except for eagles, ossifrages (bearded vultures), ospreys, gledes (birds of prey, especially kites), kites (see gledes), other vultures, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckoos, other hawks, a couple of other owls, swans, pelicans, another eagle, cormorants, storks, herons, lapwings, and bats

·  God's not really into taxonomy

·  Don't eat insects. Do you even have to be told that?

·  Don't eat anything that you found already dead

·  Yes, road kill counts, Kentucky

·  You can give away found dead meat to strangers though. Who cares what they eat? They're going to hell already because they don't believe in Jesus

·  Don't cook a kid goat in its mother's milk. You don't have to tell me twice. Milk-boiled meat sounds nasty

I just had a great idea: a restaurant that not only doesn’t keep kosher but one that deliberately doesn't keep kosher. The menu would offer only those items specifically mentioned in the bible as being unclean. I even have a name: Uncloven Hoof. Sounds like a hate crime waiting to happen.

One last thing: tithe. That's offering ten percent of your crops and animals to the Lord. Every year take your tithe to a place of God's choosing, let's say Boca Raton, and eat it all in front of the Lord. If you tithe is so large you can't transport it all, sell it for silver, travel to the eating place, and then buy some food with the money when get you get there. McDonald’s counts.

Because the Levites are forbidden to own land, every three years all the tithes should be donated to them instead of eaten by the members of the individual tribes, which makes the Levites the original welfare queens. 

Deuteronomy 11, 12, 13

I'm going to go quickly through the remaining books of Deuteronomy. It's a midseason flashback episode of a book, and something tells me that Joshua will return to the narrative-based storytelling that suits my purposes much better. So for a while each post will contain short accounts of each chapter. Enjoy!

Deuteronomy 11
Moses relates this from God: "Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse; a blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the Lord your God; and a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn aside...to go after other gods." God really is like a father: He says the same thing over and over and over until you’re zoning out on the guy.  “Keep my commandments or die!” “Go clean your room or you’ll die!” “Can you come down here and put away these dishes—or die!”

Deuteronomy 12
As stated before, the Israelites should destroy everything they can get their hands on in Canaan, then make an offering to God. (Think “wave,” “hand,” “oil.”) They should eat the meat of the offerings but not eat the blood, or what modern people would call "drinking." And it bears repeating: don't worship other gods, and don't incorporate that god's religious customs into your own, because some of those customs are abhorrent. Like burning children as a sacrifice to their gods. Much better is the practice of burning heretical children during the Inquisition. That’s a completely different thing that God approves of.

Deuteronomy 13
In keeping with the false idols vein, God instructs the Israelites not to follow prophets. Well, a certain kind of prophet.

"If there arise among you a prophet," Moses says, "or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, and the sign or the wonder come to pass whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known and let us serve them, thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet."

Whew! For a minute there it sounded like Moses was talking about Jesus! I thought I had uncovered the largest scoop in the history of bible study namely that God doesn’t want anyone to follow Jesus. That would have been great find.

But what is to become of that prophet, "dreamer of dreams?" He should be put to death.

Hmm. Maybe I was right after all.

Actually, if anyone even attempts to get you to follow another god, you should just stone him right then and there. I’ll have to remember to take rocks with me on the subway for the Scientologists camped out with their e-meters.

Deuteronomy 10

Moses is like that balding middle-aged former high school baseballer sitting at the local bar regaling the old timers with stories of the year the team won the pennant. The more you listen to him the more you realize that he peaked in senior year.

Wow, I just realized that Moses is the main character in Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days."

But instead of recounting the Big Game for the umpteenth time, Moses retells the story of Making the Ark. It's in Exodus somewhere. Find it there if you really want to read about it again. Long story short: Moses should have measured twice and cut once.

Sometime after that Aaron died, then the Levites were allowed to carry the ark around the desert on sticks made of shittim. You know, this has already been covered.

But what hasn't been covered is this: the Wikipedia entry for the Levites includes a list of the notable descendents of the original clan, a list that includes Maroon 5 singer and The Voice judge Adam Levine. In fact, he appears in a cluster of photos with Levite luminaries Moses, Aaron, Samuel, Yitzhaq ben Amram, and Yitzhaq ben Horowitz. I don't who those last two guys are either, but I bet they're significantly more accomplished Jewish-wise than Adam Levine is.

Moses reminds the Israelites to mutilate the genitals of newborn boys as a way to demonstrate their covenant with the Lord. It's a small price to pay for the God who made the Israelites as numerous as the stars in the sky.

Now according to Wikipedia--again! I know!--there are between 13 and 15 million Jews in the world. (The disparity in figures stems from the controversy over who can rightfully be considered Jewish.) This site claims that the most stars one could count in a dark night sky is 2,000. So technically, Moses' statement is true.

But that's only because Moses had no real understanding of the universe. This site estimates that there are 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy alone. Considering there may be more than 125 billion galaxies, you can see that Moses was off by a trillion stars or so. But why would God know that? He only made the entire universe.

Oh, right.

Deuteronomy 9

It's the big day! The day the Israelites have been praying for for forty years. That's right, it's time to enter the Promised Land! Hot damn!

But first there's the pesky little problem of the people who already live there. Moses does his best Knute Rockne impersonation to pump up his team.

"Hear, O Israel, thou art to pass over Jordan this day," Moses says, "to go in to posses nations greater and mightier than thyself..."

"Um, coach?" asks an Israelite.

"...cities great and fenced up to heaven. A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims, whom thou knowest, and of whom thou hast heard say, 'Who can stand before the children of Anak!'"

"Um, Moses?"

"Understand therefore this day," Moses says, "that the Lord they God is He which goeth over before thee as a consuming fire he shall destroy them...so shalt he drive them out and destroy them quickly."

"Oh," the Israelite says. "So if God planned on killing everyone himself, why did he make such a big deal about the  Reubenites and Gadites not wanting to cross the River and fight?"

Moses is glad that someone spoke like an idiot; it gives him an excuse to tell everyone the real reason God is gifting them Canaan, and it ain't because the Israelites are sooooo special.

"Not for thy righteousness or for the uprightness of thine heart dost thou go to possess their land," Moses says, "but for the wickedness of these nations the Lord thy God doth drive them out from before thee."

Take that you lousy good-for-nothing chosen people! You're only worthy of such primo real estate because the current inhabitants are completely morally debased! Moses then call the Israelites "stiffnecked," which, according to a cursory Google search, means "stubborn" or "unyielding"--not exactly the words I'd use to describe almost a million men, women, and children who have followed a dark cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night and who have eaten nothing but pigeons and sandy sky-bread for forty years.

Gullible. That's the word I'd use. Stupid, too.

To drive home the unworthiness of the Israelites, Moses again reminds everyone of all the terrible ways they have disappointed God over the decades--two words: golden calf--and recounts the begging and pleading and bowing and scraping he had to do to make God forgive everyone.

Man, that Moses is such a drama queen.  

This focus on how rebellious the Israelites have been makes me wonder: why they follow the Lord at all? If they rebel against God at every turn even though He is obviously in their lives, affecting their lives every day, giving them food, protecting them from their enemies, and, even now, about to lead an army and destroy untold number of people just so they can have a decent place to retire, why not just go all the way and either convert to another faith or discard religion altogether? They're more than halfway there already. Really, why do they even bother?

Deuteronomy 8

Turns out that there was a very good reason why God forced the Israelites into the desert for four decades, and no, it wasn't to escape the chains of slavery in Egypt. It was all a test to see how humble the Israelites wereand how dedicated they were to keeping His commandments.

"He humbled thee," Moses tells the no doubt thinning crowd, "and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with mana, which thou knewest not, neither did they fathers know."

"'Cause it tastes like crap," someone in the crowd yells.

Moses continues. "That He might make thee know that man doth not live by bread alone..."

"No kidding!"

"...but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live."

Here's a little aside: when I was growing up, my dad had a coin bank in the shape of a loaf of bread. On it were the words "Man does not live on bread alone." The message to me was that there is more to life than just scraping by, to just eating bread and nothing else, to denying yourself. That it was a bank reflected a emphasis on money and material goods. Never once did anyone suggest that one needed the word of God more than cash.

But let's get back to the story.

Moses tells the israelites a couple of more reasons why the arduous trip through the desert was miraculous: no one needed new clothes and no one had swollen feet. Which means that the Israelites have been wearing the same clothes for four decades. Imagine for a moment that the only clothes you had in your closet right now were perfectly preserved forty-year-old fashions. Clothes from 1973. Thanks for that, God.

"Thou shalt also consider in thine heart," Moses tells everyone, "that, as a man casteneth his son, so the Lord they God chasteneth thee. Only with more killing, obviously."

But you know what? Let's leave all of that messiness behind us. All's well that ends well, and after all, God has delivered the Israelites into the a land filled with good food and lots of water, a land where the rocks are made of iron and anyone can dig brass right out of the hills. Brass, of course, is an alloy, so it's a pretty big deal that it comes right out of the ground already smelted.

But once again, God doesn't really trust the Israelites to maintain the proper level of appreciation for all He did to--I mean for--them. He fears they will forget all about Him and the sacrifices He made for them once they start living large on conquered lands. So He does the only thing He can think of to keep everyone in line: He threatens them with destruction if they ever forget His commandments or worship other gods.

I guess He is like a parent after all.

Deuteronomy 7

God has some special instructions for the Israelites for when they invade what will be their Promised Land: kill everyone, take no prisoners, show no mercy. I guess this is why it wasn't always called the Promised Land.

The reason for this ethnic cleansing is that if the sons and daughters of Israel marry the idolaters of the conquered nations then the Israelites’ spouses might convince them to abandon God in favor of cow made of gold. I wonder if God's fear of abandonment stems from His parents' divorce? We may never know.

So when the Israelites invade, Moses says that God says they should "destroy all their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire," which, we can all agree, is the best way to burn something.

But really, why should the Israelites do these terrible, terrible things to people whose only sin is that they sit on some pretty sweet real estate? "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord they God," Moses says God says, "The Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."

In other words, don’t pay any mind to those other kids. They’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.

Despite the evidence of the preceding chapter, Moses says that God is merciful and will keep His covenant with and show mercy to those who keep His commandments to a thousand generations. A generation is about 20 years, which means to qualify the Israelites must keep God's commandments for 20,000 years. I guess that explains why the Lord fell down on the job a little in the early to mid-20th century.

But right now, for a limited time, anyone who keeps the Lord's commandments will receive blessings from God. But wait! There's more! In addition to these general blessings, the Lord will also bless the fruit of your womb--a completely different blessing than the one mentioned above! That's a one hundred dollar womb blessing, for free. Act now and you'll receive a bonus blessing on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil. But that's only if you act in the next ten minutes!

But wait, there's still more! Refer a friend and the Lord will send you a special bonus complementary extra blessing to increase the number of your cows and sheep.

So you'll get the general blessings; blessings on the fruit of your womb; blessings on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil; and an increase in the number of cows and sheep you own, all for the low price of a lifetime of fealty to God. And your children’s fealty too. And their children. And their children, and their children, and their children, and their children…

In addition, the Lord will throw in, at no cost, freedom from infertility and sickness. It's a deal you can't pass up!

But right now, all you have to do is trounce those poor unsuspecting buggers who are sitting on the land God promised you. So go! Get to killing! What are you waiting for?

Deuteronomy 5, 6

God, through Moses, doesn’t want the Israelites to forget about what should be the guiding force in their lives, namely the Ten Commandments. So let's break them down again, shall we?

1.      I am the Lord your God; thou shalt have no other gods before me. After me is fine, but not before!

2.      Thou shalt not take the Lord thy God's name in vain. Not even when you step on a nail, which, while quite painful, doesn’t quite rise to the occasion of in vain name taking.

3.      Keep holy the Sabbath, which, as mentioned earlier can be Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Just to be safe, keep your weekends free.

4.      Honor thy father and mother. Unless your dad’s being a total jerk about your new boyfriend. No one understands your love!

5.      Thou shalt not kill. Let me say it again: thou shalt not kill. Shalt I scream it? Thou! Shalt! Not! Kill!

6.      Thou shalt not commit adultery. Not that you'll have the opportunity after wandering in the desert for forty years. Really, man, take a bath.

7.      Thous shalt not steal, except for the heart of your Valentine, but not if that heart is in a display case in a medical college. That's still stealing.

8.      Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, not even if by doing so you could get out of some kind of punishment for, oh, I don't know, committing adultery, which you won’t be doing. (See #6.)

9.      Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife. I know what you're thinking, but no, gay stuff is out too.

10.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possessions. Yes, even if his stuff is better than yours, which of course it is.

Moses then retells the story of the time God delivered the Ten Commandments Moses, reminding the Israelites of what terrible crybabies they were when they heared God's voice. They were all "Oh! Now therefore why should we die? For this great fire will consume us." Wah wah, Israelites. Put your big boy pants on and listen to your God’s voice already.

God, though, loved the trembling reaction. If the Israelites are afraid of Him, maybe they will follow His laws to the letter, right? You know, for an omniscient guy, God can be quite shortsighted.

The Ten Commandments are God’s most important commandments, and he wants to ensure that they are passed down to future generations. "Teach them dilligently unto they children," Moses says God said to him, "and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou rises up, and when thou attempt to impregnate the wife of your dead brother, or when thou kill the inhabitants of the land I promised to you, or when you do any manner of thing that seemingly contradict these important commandments I have given you."

Despite all His bluster, God fears that the Israelites will turn their backs on Him once they enter the Promised Land. After all, the land they are entering is move-in ready: the cities have been constructed, the houses are filled with furniture and knick knacks, the wells have been dug, the vineyards and olive groves have been planted, and all by someone else's hand. God worries that the Israelites will grow complacent and forget that it was only through Him that the Canaanites who worked hard to make the Promised Land more promise-y died a terrible death.

But what He wants to ensure is that no one complains about the accommodations, like the Israelites constantly did about the lack of water in the desert. But come on, did they really think there would be a lot of water in the desert? What a bunch of doofuses.

And what should the Israelites tell their childrena and grandchildren, who will grow up in paradise never having known the hardships of their parents and grandparents? The same thing any parent or grandparent says:

 "When I was your age..."

Deutronomy 4

Moses, still in fillibuster-mode, continues with the nostalgia. This time he's looking back fondly on the many, many commandments God has laid down over the past four decades. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you," he says, "neither shall you diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God." I wonder how this affects the countless translations of the Bible that have been written over the centuries?

To drive this point home, Moses reminds the Israelites what God did to those who worshipped Baal-Peor. (To recap: God killed them.) "You don't want that to happen again, do you?" Moses asks. "One God, true god. What's so difficult about that?"

After all, what other nation is so great that God has blessed it? What other nation is so perfect that God backs it at every turn? Helps it win wars? Guides its citizens with righteous laws? Other than the Unites States, that is? Israel, of course. God loves Israel more than any other nation--after the U.S. That goes without saying.

Moses reminds everyone about the good times. For instance:

• The time God wanted Israel to hear his voice so that they would know to fear Him
• The time everyone stood trembling at the base of a mountain as it burned with fire and was engulged in clouds and "thick darkness"
• The time God gave Israel the Ten Commandments and the whole problem with the graven images

Moses expunds on that last point. He thinks it's important to remind everyone what a terrible, awful, proundly stupid idea it is to worship graven images, even a cool one like a golden baby cow. In fact, it's best not to worship anything other than God: no likeness of male or female, any beast that walks on the earth, any "winged fowl" that flies through the air, any thing that creeps ont he ground, or any fish. Likewise don't worship the sun, the moon, or the stars. So basicaly nothing.

And even though God said not to mention it, Moses can't let the moment pass without talking about how he can't go into the Promised Land because "the Lord was angry at me for your sakes." Way to go blame someone else for your failure to follow directions, Mo.

And what will happen if the Israelites do worship graven images? I'm glad you asked. Of course, the first thing to happen will be that everyone will be utterly destroyed. the few that survive will be scattered among "the heathen" to worship gods that "neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell." So, kind of like the God they currently worship?

Contrary to previous actions, Moses claims that God is merciful, so if anyone decides later to come back to the fold the Lord will welcome them with open God arms.

Completely out of left field Moses sets aside three citites to serve as refuge for anyone who accidentally murders another person. Considering that Moses already set aside a six cities in Canaan for ther same purpose. I guess God is expecting a lot of accidental killing in the coming years.

Deuteronomy 1, 2, 3

Right after the Israelites defeated King Sihon, which was on the first day of the eleventh month of the fortieth year of the Israelites' trek through the desert, Moses gets up on his soapbox and gives a rundown of everything that has happened in the past four decades. Tempest fugit, am I right, parents? It seems like just yesterday you were escaping the Egyptians with your baby strapped to your back and now that baby has a family of his own and an enlarged prostate. Crazy, isn't it?

Moses reminisces. "Remember when I appointed the heads of the twelve tribes so I could get a break from solving endless petty disputes? Remember when I sent twelve spies into Canaan to see what the big deal was and some of you lied about the land being filled with giants so we would all stay put? How about the time God made me appoint Joshua the head of Israel because I screwed up the directions for getting water from a rock, and as I result God said I would never enter the Promised Land? Or the time you rebelled against the Lord and then failed in your attack against the Amorites?

"Now that I think of it, you people have really been total dicks to me.”

Moses' memory must be fading because his story fast-forwards thirty-eight years to when he tried to pass through all those lands on the way to Canaan, promising to be careful and to make restitution for anything the Israelites might accidentally break ,and all the kings of all those lands refused the offer so their kingdoms were all defeated.

"That was pretty cool, wasn't it?" Moses asks. Everyone agrees that it was indeed very cool to kill so many people in the service of the Lord.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

"And remember how I divvied up all the land in Canaan?" Moses asks. "I mean that just happened so it must be fresh in your memory."

Moses then recounts a so far unheard of conversation with God where Moses attempts to convince God to let him enter Canaan. "I pray thee," Moses pleads, "let me go over and see the good land that is beyond the Jordan."

Now God has given in to Moses' requests many times over the past forty years, but for some reason He's sticking to his guns on this business about the proper way to get water from a rock. "Let it suffice: speak no more unto me of this matter," God says. “There may be more than one way to skin a cat but there’s only one way to get water from a rock.”

God tells Moses that if he wants to see the Promised Land so badly that he should climb to the top of Mount Pisgah and look out over Canaan. I like to imagine Moses doing this and starting to cry, like that Indian guy in the old commercial about the effects of littering. It is quite sad to think that Moses led his people faithfully for so many decades, endured wars with other nations and betrayals from his own people, and had to remain steadfast even as everyone else around him fell to pieces, and still he must be content with watching from a distance his people settle into their new homeland. It's heartbreaking.

But then I remember that it's all made up and never really happened.

Numbers 36

This is the last chapter of Numbers. One more book to go to finish up the Pentateuch--the first five books of the Old Testament--which wraps up the story of Moses. I can't wait to find out if Moses defuses the bomb in time!

After all the mayhem and wars and stonings and assorted craziness that has occurred so far, Numbers closes both anticlimatically and typically with this question: is there another way that we can control our women? The answer, you'll be pleased to know, is an emphatic yes! 

The heads of the Gilead clan have a problem. They are related to Zelophehad, which means, as you may recall, that their land inheritance has been promised to Zelophehad's daughters. What's so wrong with that? Well, when a woman marries, her husband becomes the sole owner of everything she previously owned--including herself, one would presume. That means that, when the Year of the Jubilee arrives, the land owned by the Gildead tribe will become part of the husbands' tribes. Then the Gilead clan will have no more land! Given the way things are in the Middle East this is a very big deal.

Moses has a great idea: why not limit the daughters' marriage prospects to only men in the Gliead tribe? The New International Version of the Bible says it beautifully: "They may marry anyone they please as long as they marry within their father’s tribal clan." When you put it that way it almost sounds fair.

Zelophehad's daughters are cool with this idea--they have to be; what choice do they really have?--and decide to marry their father's cousins. No word on how closely the cousins are related, but something tells me it’s pretty close.

Next stop, Deuteronomy, which--spoiler alert!--transcribes three speeches given by Moses just before the Isrealites take possession of Canaan. Should be riveting.

Numbers 34, 35

God must be feeling pretty good about His chances for defeating the Canaanites because He carves up the land before the battle has begun. Now that's chutzpah!

So with that, God declares that the southern boundary of Canaan runs from from the Dead Sea to south of Scorpion Pass, then on to Zin and south of Kadesh Barnea. It continues to Hazar Addar, then on to Azmon, where it joins the Wadi of Egypt. It terminates at the Mediterranean Sea.

The western boundary is the Mediterranean Sea.

The northern boundary runs from the Mediterranean Sea to Mount Hor and continues on to Lebo Hamath, Zedad, and Ziphron, ending at Hazar Enan.

The eastern boundary snakes from Hazar Enan to Shepham. From there it continues on to Riblah, on the east side of Ain, and down to the slopes east of the Sea of Galilee, and across the bank of the Jordan, finally terminating at the Dead Sea.

God then appoints Eleazar and Joshua to divide the land among the nine and a half tribes--evidently two and a half tribes claimed land on the east side of Jordan last chapter, not just two; must have missed that--with input from one member of each of the tribes. Bible-history.com depicts the map like this:

So that's settled, right? God has spoken so everybody's cool with this? It would be preposterous to argue with something so plainly rendered. Anyone who disagrees should speak up now while the floor is open to public comments. No one? We're all good? Excellent. The matter is resolved for all time. Let's move on.

Now that the overall geography has been nailed down, God carves out 48 towns for the Levites to live in, divided proportionately to the size of the each tribe's land; in other words, the larger the individual tribe’s land, the more Levite towns will be founded there. (The Levites, you may recall, are the caretakers of the tabernacle and cannot own any land. One assumes they will rent in the cities.) God also stipulates that each town be surrounded on four sides by pastureland extending from the town a total of 3,000 cubits, which works out to be about 800 acres. But I'm not so good at math; suffice to say, it's seems like a decent amount of land.

Six of the towns are designated as refuges for someone who has killed another person accidentally. Gotta have that, especially these days when it's so difficult not to accidentally kill someone. That happens all the time. The refuges exist to protect the accused from angry mobs, so that the accused may live to stand trial. That's pretty cool.

But those who kill purposefully aren't so lucky. They are put to death without trial. The lesson here is if you ever find yourself accused of murder, it's best to claim it was an accident.

And here's an odd twist: if the accidental killer leaves his city of refuge before being judged, the "avenger of blood"--presumably the one who was most wronged by the death--is allowed to kill him without himself being labeled a murderer. Given the options, house arrest isn't looking so bad.

Also, a murderer can only be convicted under the testimony of two witnesses, not just one. Hear that Law & Order: SVU?

After all that, the important thing to understand is that any bloodshed pollutes the land. The really important thing to understand is that the land can only be made clean again by the blood of the one who shed the blood in the first place.

So the cycle of violence continues.

Numbers 32, 33

Did you read my last entry, on Numbers 31? No? Please do, because in it Moses gives away 32,000 adult women and children to be raped. Go ahead and read it. It's a fascinating insight into the moral compass of one of the world’s most revered religious figures. I'll be here when you get back.

Shall we continue?

This current chapter is both convoluted and boring, so try not the fall asleep as we get lost in it.
 
The Reubenites and Gadites, two tribes with tons of stuff, notice that Jazer and Gilead were kind of sitting empty and they thought it would be a great place to settle down. Problem is, those lands are on the east side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are currently camped, and not the west side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites must go to get to the Promised Land. In other words, the Reubenites and Gadites want to stay while everyone else moves on. Instead of getting all “Doomsday Preppers” on Moses, they simply ask the old man if they could maybe possibly stay here if it’s not too much trouble or anything.

But Moses ain't having it. He tells a rambling story about the last time a group of idiots wanted to stay in some lush land with plenty of food and water and didn’t want to tramp through the desert to fight armies that lived on the lush land with plenty of food and water that God had promised the Israelites.

Moses accuses the men of being just like those guys, who God thought were chickening out of a good fight, because—lo and behold—as soon as the Israelites cross the Jordan they are going to attack the Canaanites. “Really?” say the Reubenites and Gadites. “We had no idea that we might die in another stupid war when we decided we’d rather live in this paradise.”

 So the Reubenites and Gadites make Moses a deal: They'll stay here on the east side of the Jordan and build a nice home for themselves but they'll also arm themselves to the teeth and fight alongside everyone else going to the Promised Land. Then, when the fighting's over and the Israelites are safely tucked into bed, they'll return to the east side. That is if they’re still alive.

Moses agrees, with one stipulation: that if the Reubenites and Gadites don't live up to their agreement to fight the Canaanites then they will be totally fucked over for all eternity.

The Reubenites and Gadites swallow hard and agree. After all, what could go wrong?

 Then the narrative is interrupted in favor of a list of hostels the Israelites stayed in up to this point. I suppose it's the equivalent of fondly reading all the postcards you sent your parents during that summer you backpacked across Europe. "Remember that couple in Benelux who let us stay in their guest cottage for two days until mom wired me that money? Oh look, and here's the postcard I sent of the Arc de Triomphe after I got tossed out of the Louvre for throwing up near the Mona Lisa."

It's a long list; read it for yourself (Numbers 33:3-49). One interesting tidbit that comes up: Aaron was 123 years old when he died. I guess desert living agreed with him. Miriam’s age is not mentioned.

After the travelogue, God prepares Moses for the final push into Canaan. First on the agenda, destroying everything in Canaan. Moses must drive out the inhabitants, smash their graven images, melt down their metal objects, and divide the land among the tribes of Israel. And if the Israelites fail to push the inhabitants out of Canaan? "Then it shall come to pass that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein you dwell," God promises.

I'm impressed. This might be the only true prophecy in the entire Bible. Something tells me though that this approach makes for very bad foreign policy.

But God's not done yet. He has one more punishment for the Israelites if they fail to drive out the Canaanites: "Moreover it shall come to pass that I shall do unto you as I thought to do unto them."

Now that is legitimately frightening.

Numbers 31

Looks like God is still quite upset about the Israelite men who worshiped Baal-Poor, so upset in fact that He instructs Moses to raise an army 12,000 strong to fight the Midianites, even though it was the Moabite women who used the promise of sex to lure the Israelites into worshiping Baal-Peor. My guess is that the Midianites live on some oil-rich land and God can't wait a few hundred centuries for the Catholic Church to be founded so he can get some serious scratch.

The 12,000 kill all of the Midian men. Among the dead is Balaam, the guy who did everything God told him to do and also rode a talking donkey. (Come to think of it, if I were God I'd sue the producers of Shrek. They totally ripped off His bit.) They burn the towns, capture all the women and children--I don't like where this one is headed--and plunder all the animals and goods. The army brings the spoils to Moses.

Moses--and this is truly incredible--wonders why they let the women live. "These caused the children of Israel...to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of (Baal)-Peor," he reminds them. As reprehensible as that is, it gets worse. Moses commands the army to kill all of the boys and all the women who have slept with a man, but "all the women children that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Women children! Children!

All right, let's just back this car up. This is Moses, the prophet of the Lord, one of the most revered men in the Old Testament, the great emancipator, and he just gave away young virgins as spoils of war to men who will use them as sex slaves. C’mon people, next time perform a more thorough background check on you heroes, all right?

A lot of fucked up shit has happened in this book so far, but this one is by far the most fucked up.

But before the victors can begin raping their spoils of war, they must be purified if they killed someone or touched a dead body. Hear that, all future rapists? You must get clean before the eyes of the Lord before you rape the little girls.

Moses now wants to divvy up his war winnings, which include animals, goods, and people, among the soldiers and community at large. The total numbers are astounding: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 virgin girls. Half go to the community, half to the soldiers. The soldiers, however, must give a portion as tribute to the God. That means they must give up 675 sheep, 72 cattle, 61 donkeys, and 32 little girls who, I assume, won’t be raped.

But what will happen to those 32 girls given as tribute to the Lord? Will they be slaughtered and burned like the animals will be? Will their charred remains be eaten like the animals will be? Or will they be thrown into a volcano to appease the mighty God? I don't read ahead--I like to keep my comments completely devoid of context--so I don't know if the fate of these 32 virgins will be mentioned again, but I do hope they're thrown in a volcano.

Numbers 28, 29, 30

There is only one God.

And He's a foodie.

I feel that God has gone over His menu preferences a half dozen times already, but since it seems that no one pays attention to the details He's going to go over everything one more time, with feeling. This time He breaks it down into daily, weekly, and monthly offerings; Passover crudite; and noshables for the Festival of Weeks. He details what to serve at the Festival of Trumpets (I read that Deadmou5 is playing the festival this year), the Day of Atonement (which allows you to do terrible things 364 days a year as long as you’re really, really sorry on that one day), and the Festival of Tabernacles (which includes instructions on gilding your own shittim wood).

Do I really need to go over this again? God digs aroma and everything is burnt rams and bulls without blemish, the finest flour mixed with the oiliest oil, first fruits, and Manischewitz. You’ve heard it before and you’ll probably hear it again. Next time I think I’ll just skip it. Unless there’s a human sacrifice. That would be pretty sweet.

God joins the Clean Plate Club and moves on to the importance of keeping vows. I think that God could learn a little something from his own advice.

The Lord commands that no man should break his word. I like that one. Straight to the point.

And remember what I said last time about God striking a blow for feminism by allowing daughters to inherit their father's land? Well, I take it back. Here God puts women firmly under the boots of their fathers or husbands. It's like this, ladies: If you’re living at home and make a promise and your father hears of the vow and says nothing, the vow stands; but if your father objects then the vow is nullified. If you’re married, your husband has veto power over your promises.

If her husband hears of the vow but waits a while before objecting, tough shit. The vow stands and the husband must bear the brunt of his wife's poor decision, because really, any decision a woman makes on her own behalf will necessarily have a negative outcome.

So girls, before you promise to give your boyfriend a handy you better see what your dad says first. I'm sure it'll be fine.

What this means of course is that while men can’t break their own promises they can break someone else’s. I’m sure that makes sense to someone.

And widowed or divorced women can promise any old fool thing to anyone. Nobody cares about them because without a man in their lives, they are essentially worthless.

Numbers 27

This is the moment we've all been waiting for. After months of reading, writing, and whatever the hell else I've been doing, we finally unearthed the golden nugget, the most important thing that has yet to happen to our unlucky band of desert dwellers. Of course I'm talking about inheritance law! Fuck yeah! Let’s get down to it!

Five women--Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milkah and Tirzah. Happy now?--have a teeny tiny little barely-there problem with the last chapter. In the loooooong list of names representing clans that received a portion of land it seems that Moses left out their father, Zelophehad. My first thought was that it's because his name starts with a "Z" and was accidentally dropped from the list. A simple proofreading error. But no. It was because Zelophehad had no sons to pass an inheritance down to. His daughters think that's an oversight. After all, they had to put up with the guy all these years. They deserve something for that, right?

Moses brings the case before God. In what must be considered a victory for women everywhere, God agrees with the daughters. They deserve a piece of the pie. God even wants Moses to bore everyone by elucidating the laws of inheritance.

Because I want to be like God, I’ll bore you too:

If a man dies but has no son, his inheritance goes to his daughters. (See above.)

No daughters? Then all his crap goes to his brothers.

No brothers? Then it goes not to his father, but his uncles. Seems odd, but who am I to question God?

No uncles? At this point just give it away to whomever. Third cousin once removed? Your aunt’s boyfriend? That guy who always comes to Thanksgiving but no one really knows who he is? Doesn't really matter. Let’s just wrap the whole thing up.

After God gets that important piece of business out of the way, he drops a bomb on Moses: because of the whole incident where Moses didn't follow exactly the directions for getting water from a stone he's being relieved from his duties as head of the Israelites. Nice way to bury the lead, Bible.

And who's the best man to lead the million plus complainers on the final leg of their journey? Joshua. You might remember him from such films as Climbed Halfway up Mt. Sinai When Moses Received the 10 Commandments, Leading the Israelite Army Against Amalek, and I Was One of the 12 Guys Who Spied on Canaan and May or May Not Have Been One of Those Who Lied About What We Saw to Avoid War. He's got credentials.

Moses lays his hands on Joshua and the deal is done. "Now they're your problem, sucker," Moses says. Then he laughs. Oh, how he laughs!

Numbers 25, 26

Now that the Israelites have made themselves comfortable in an actual town named Shittim, they start fucking around with the Moabite women. I'm assuming it's the men who are running loose with the Moabite women, because no one would tolerate the women doing it. (I assume that Shittim is where shittim wood is found. You may recall this wood as the one used to construct the tabernacle and the Ark of the Covenant. Wow. I really am going to kick ass on Jeopardy! in the “Woods of the Old Testament” category.)

The Moabite women not only seduce the Israelite men they convince the men to worship Baal-Peor, who, from what little research I ever do, is their sun god. His name literally means "Lord of the Opening," which explains all the sex.

The Israelite men join the Moabite women in a sacrifice to Lord God Opening. You may recall what happened this one time the Israelites worshiped a god other than God. The Israelites sure don't or else they wouldn't have done it. But surprise surprise! God gets angry. Who could have guessed that?

God wants Moses to kill all the heaven men and hang them facing the sun so "that the fierce anger of the Lord may be turned away from Israel."

I don't know if this actually happens because the action quickly turns to an Israelite man and a Midianite woman walking slowly into the tent of meeting, which is presumably some kind of meeting tent. Phinehas, one of Aaron's sons, takes a spear, follows the man and woman into the tent, and kills them both with one jab. That Phinehas must be pretty strong or that spear must have been quite sharp. Maybe it was a combination of the two.

Regardless, God decides to stop the plague. I know, what plague, right? Beats me, but 24,000 people died because of it, so it must have been pretty bad. You think someone would have mentioned it before.

This spearing satisfies God. He's no longer angry about the strange-god worshiping thing and makes a covenant with Phinehas that his descendants will forever be priests. As far as covenant's go, that's got to be one of the worst.

Even though God isn't angry with the Israelites anymore it doesn't mean he isn't angry. He’s always angry. He tells Moses to treat the Midianites as enemies and to go all Metallica on them and kill ’em all. It turns out that the Midianites and the Moabites worship the same gods and God considers the Midianites as equally to blame for the whole Baal-Peor thing.

Man, this is getting confusing.

God now wants an accounting of every male 20 years and older who can be conscripted. I guess it's hard for god to keep track of who's left after all the wars and the most recent plague and everything. Turns out that there's still a respectable number of men who can fight for Israel. 601,730, to be exact. Later on we learn that there are 23,000 male infants at least a month old. And that's just the males. That means there’s still a lot of people wandering around the desert.

Then God wants Moses to divvy up the land among the tribes, allocating larger portions of land to the larger tribes and small portions to the smaller tribes. I guess that means the Israelites are staying put for a while! Right?

Numbers 23, 24

God's new mouthpiece Balaam cons Balak into building seven altars so they can sacrifice bulls and rams to the Lord. Balaam must be some sweet talker, considering Balak in the king's son and the last time he probably built an alter it was out of solid gold Legos. A bull and a ram are killed on each altar and Balaam head out for his conference call with the Lord.

God stuffs some words in Balaam's mouth, and Balaam returns to deliver the message to Balak and the elders of Moab. I'm paraphrasing here, but God essentially told Balaam to say that there is no fucking way He was going to curse the Israelites.

Annoyed, Balak climbs a hill with Balaam in tow to show him the amassing Israeli army. "Thou shalt see the upmost of them, and shalt not see them all," Balak says. "That's a buttload of soldiers who are coming to kill me. Now will you curse them?"

Balaam backs away and again meets with God. The message from God is essentially the same: are you fucking nuts, Balak?"

God does say something interesting to Balaam, though. "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent; hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"

It appears that God is like any father reflecting on his child-rearing years, whitewashing his memories until everything is painted to color of fond memories. There are numerous instances where God has broken his promises, or lied, or felt bad about something he did and reversed course. God's indulging in some selective memory here.

Balak just won't take no for an answer. Must be nice being the king's son, always getting your way. Balak convinces Balaam to give it one last shot to convince God to curse His chosen people. Giving in, Balaam instructs Balak to build seven altars and prepare seven bulls and rams. One of each animal is killed on each altar. Third time's a charm, Balak. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

As you can imagine, the third meeting does not go in Balak's favor. Balaam returns with this message: "God hath brough him out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows."

"So," Balak asks, "is that a no to cursing them, then? It's a little unclear." But Balak is a tad miffed. Ok, he's pissed. Royally pissed, some might say as a way to tie in his parantage with his anger. He sends Balaam back to his people without the riches he promised him. Balaam says he doesn't care, but it's obvious he feels cheated because he has four more messages from God to deliver.

Ther are:

1. To the people of Moab: A sceptor weilded by the Israelites will crush the foreheads of your people and the skulls of all the people of Sheth. Edom and Seir will be conquered, and the Israelites will destroy the survivors of the city.

2. To the people of Amalek: your country was on the first nations but now it will be completely destroyed, bitches!

3. To the Kenites: Do you think building your homes in rocks was a sound idea? No fucking way! Nothing can save you! Everyone will be taken captive.

4. To anyone who would foolish enough to land their ships at Cyprus: Bad choice, dickweeds! Prepare to be destroyed?

Balak and Balaam part, promising to definitely meet for coffee next week, or maybe the week after. Well, let me ckeck my schedule. But soon! We'll definitely get together soon! Love ya!