Deutronomy 20

In the face of what looks to be a hard fought battle for control of the Promised Land, God lays down the ways any chickenshit men can weasel out of their obligation to fight. The rules are amazingly lax and ripe for abuse. Exemptions are included for:

1. Any man who has recently constructed a new house but has yet to dedicate it, because if he dies in battle another man will live in it.

2. Any man who has recently planted a vineyard but has yet to eat any grapes from it, because he may die in battle and another man may get the first taste.

3. Any man recently engaged but not yet married, because he may die in battle and another man may marry her.

4. Any man who is afraid to fight, lest his fear spread to the other soldiers.

With such broad categories almost anything applies. What if I was given an iPod for my birthday and have yet to download an app to it? What if I started a blog but haven't had time to write my first post? What if I bought a new car but have yet to take it on a proper road trip? It's a wonder anyone will be in this army at all.

Once the battle begins, the Israeli army should, before attacking a city, make an offer of peace. Because who wouldn’t accept an offer of peace from an armed hoard bent on occupying your land? What could go wrong? Well, for one thing, if the residents do accept the offer of peace they will all be forced to work for the Israelites. Sounds like someone needs to read the terms of service pretty closely before just clicking “agree.”

If they decline the kind offer of involuntary servitude then their land will be laid siege and all the men will be killed, and all the women, children, and livestock will be considered spoils of war to be used in who knows what depraved ways. That's a difficult choice right there.

But this kind of mercy pertains only to the cities that are not part of what God considers the Israelites' inheritance, namely the cities belonging to the Hittites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites. They should be completely destroyed and every living thing in them killed without first making an offer of peace, chiefly because those people will only corrupt the Israelites' morality. Irony, as we have come to learn, is not one of God's strong suits.

God does have one rule about attacking cities: don't cut down the fruit trees. Yes, by all means, spare the trees! Cut down the women and children, but for God's sake leave the lemon trees alone! "Are the trees people, that you should besiege them?" asks the New International Version. Why of course not, but isn't that the point? People should be treated better than trees, don't you think?

It turns out that the concern is not for all trees, just the ones that bear something humans can eat. Any non–fruit bearing trees should be cut down and fashioned into walls to protect the Israelites against attacks from the people they attack. After all, self-defense doesn’t mean other people get to defend themselves.