God has some special instructions for the Israelites for when they invade what will be their Promised Land: kill everyone, take no prisoners, show no mercy. I guess this is why it wasn't always called the Promised Land.
The reason for this ethnic cleansing is that if the sons and daughters of Israel marry the idolaters of the conquered nations then the Israelites’ spouses might convince them to abandon God in favor of cow made of gold. I wonder if God's fear of abandonment stems from His parents' divorce? We may never know.
So when the Israelites invade, Moses says that God says they should "destroy all their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire," which, we can all agree, is the best way to burn something.
But really, why should the Israelites do these terrible, terrible things to people whose only sin is that they sit on some pretty sweet real estate? "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord they God," Moses says God says, "The Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."
In other words, don’t pay any mind to those other kids. They’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.
Despite the evidence of the preceding chapter, Moses says that God is merciful and will keep His covenant with and show mercy to those who keep His commandments to a thousand generations. A generation is about 20 years, which means to qualify the Israelites must keep God's commandments for 20,000 years. I guess that explains why the Lord fell down on the job a little in the early to mid-20th century.
But right now, for a limited time, anyone who keeps the Lord's commandments will receive blessings from God. But wait! There's more! In addition to these general blessings, the Lord will also bless the fruit of your womb--a completely different blessing than the one mentioned above! That's a one hundred dollar womb blessing, for free. Act now and you'll receive a bonus blessing on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil. But that's only if you act in the next ten minutes!
But wait, there's still more! Refer a friend and the Lord will send you a special bonus complementary extra blessing to increase the number of your cows and sheep.
So you'll get the general blessings; blessings on the fruit of your womb; blessings on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil; and an increase in the number of cows and sheep you own, all for the low price of a lifetime of fealty to God. And your children’s fealty too. And their children. And their children, and their children, and their children, and their children…
In addition, the Lord will throw in, at no cost, freedom from infertility and sickness. It's a deal you can't pass up!
But right now, all you have to do is trounce those poor unsuspecting buggers who are sitting on the land God promised you. So go! Get to killing! What are you waiting for?
Showing posts with label killing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label killing. Show all posts
Monday, March 18, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
Numbers 23, 24
God's new mouthpiece Balaam cons Balak into building seven altars so they can sacrifice bulls and rams to the Lord. Balaam must be some sweet talker, considering Balak in the king's son and the last time he probably built an alter it was out of solid gold Legos. A bull and a ram are killed on each altar and Balaam head out for his conference call with the Lord.
God stuffs some words in Balaam's mouth, and Balaam returns to deliver the message to Balak and the elders of Moab. I'm paraphrasing here, but God essentially told Balaam to say that there is no fucking way He was going to curse the Israelites.
Annoyed, Balak climbs a hill with Balaam in tow to show him the amassing Israeli army. "Thou shalt see the upmost of them, and shalt not see them all," Balak says. "That's a buttload of soldiers who are coming to kill me. Now will you curse them?"
Balaam backs away and again meets with God. The message from God is essentially the same: are you fucking nuts, Balak?"
God does say something interesting to Balaam, though. "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent; hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"
It appears that God is like any father reflecting on his child-rearing years, whitewashing his memories until everything is painted to color of fond memories. There are numerous instances where God has broken his promises, or lied, or felt bad about something he did and reversed course. God's indulging in some selective memory here.
Balak just won't take no for an answer. Must be nice being the king's son, always getting your way. Balak convinces Balaam to give it one last shot to convince God to curse His chosen people. Giving in, Balaam instructs Balak to build seven altars and prepare seven bulls and rams. One of each animal is killed on each altar. Third time's a charm, Balak. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
As you can imagine, the third meeting does not go in Balak's favor. Balaam returns with this message: "God hath brough him out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows."
"So," Balak asks, "is that a no to cursing them, then? It's a little unclear." But Balak is a tad miffed. Ok, he's pissed. Royally pissed, some might say as a way to tie in his parantage with his anger. He sends Balaam back to his people without the riches he promised him. Balaam says he doesn't care, but it's obvious he feels cheated because he has four more messages from God to deliver.
Ther are:
1. To the people of Moab: A sceptor weilded by the Israelites will crush the foreheads of your people and the skulls of all the people of Sheth. Edom and Seir will be conquered, and the Israelites will destroy the survivors of the city.
2. To the people of Amalek: your country was on the first nations but now it will be completely destroyed, bitches!
3. To the Kenites: Do you think building your homes in rocks was a sound idea? No fucking way! Nothing can save you! Everyone will be taken captive.
4. To anyone who would foolish enough to land their ships at Cyprus: Bad choice, dickweeds! Prepare to be destroyed?
Balak and Balaam part, promising to definitely meet for coffee next week, or maybe the week after. Well, let me ckeck my schedule. But soon! We'll definitely get together soon! Love ya!
God stuffs some words in Balaam's mouth, and Balaam returns to deliver the message to Balak and the elders of Moab. I'm paraphrasing here, but God essentially told Balaam to say that there is no fucking way He was going to curse the Israelites.
Annoyed, Balak climbs a hill with Balaam in tow to show him the amassing Israeli army. "Thou shalt see the upmost of them, and shalt not see them all," Balak says. "That's a buttload of soldiers who are coming to kill me. Now will you curse them?"
Balaam backs away and again meets with God. The message from God is essentially the same: are you fucking nuts, Balak?"
God does say something interesting to Balaam, though. "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent; hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"
It appears that God is like any father reflecting on his child-rearing years, whitewashing his memories until everything is painted to color of fond memories. There are numerous instances where God has broken his promises, or lied, or felt bad about something he did and reversed course. God's indulging in some selective memory here.
Balak just won't take no for an answer. Must be nice being the king's son, always getting your way. Balak convinces Balaam to give it one last shot to convince God to curse His chosen people. Giving in, Balaam instructs Balak to build seven altars and prepare seven bulls and rams. One of each animal is killed on each altar. Third time's a charm, Balak. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
As you can imagine, the third meeting does not go in Balak's favor. Balaam returns with this message: "God hath brough him out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows."
"So," Balak asks, "is that a no to cursing them, then? It's a little unclear." But Balak is a tad miffed. Ok, he's pissed. Royally pissed, some might say as a way to tie in his parantage with his anger. He sends Balaam back to his people without the riches he promised him. Balaam says he doesn't care, but it's obvious he feels cheated because he has four more messages from God to deliver.
Ther are:
1. To the people of Moab: A sceptor weilded by the Israelites will crush the foreheads of your people and the skulls of all the people of Sheth. Edom and Seir will be conquered, and the Israelites will destroy the survivors of the city.
2. To the people of Amalek: your country was on the first nations but now it will be completely destroyed, bitches!
3. To the Kenites: Do you think building your homes in rocks was a sound idea? No fucking way! Nothing can save you! Everyone will be taken captive.
4. To anyone who would foolish enough to land their ships at Cyprus: Bad choice, dickweeds! Prepare to be destroyed?
Balak and Balaam part, promising to definitely meet for coffee next week, or maybe the week after. Well, let me ckeck my schedule. But soon! We'll definitely get together soon! Love ya!
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