Friday, March 15, 2013

Deuteronomy 5, 6

God, through Moses, doesn’t want the Israelites to forget about what should be the guiding force in their lives, namely the Ten Commandments. So let's break them down again, shall we?

1.      I am the Lord your God; thou shalt have no other gods before me. After me is fine, but not before!
2.      Thou shalt not take the Lord thy God's name in vain. Not even when you step on a nail, which, while quite painful, doesn’t quite rise to the occasion of in vain name taking.
3.      Keep holy the Sabbath, which, as mentioned earlier can be Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Just to be safe, keep your weekends free.
4.      Honor thy father and mother. Unless your dad’s being a total jerk about your new boyfriend. No one understands your love!
5.      Thou shalt not kill. Let me say it again: thou shalt not kill. Shalt I scream it? Thou! Shalt! Not! Kill!
6.      Thou shalt not commit adultery. Not that you'll have the opportunity after wandering in the desert for forty years. Really, man, take a bath.
7.      Thous shalt not steal, except for the heart of your Valentine, but not if that heart is in a display case in a medical college. That's still stealing.
8.      Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, not even if by doing so you could get out of some kind of punishment for, oh, I don't know, committing adultery, which you won’t be doing. (See #6.)
9.      Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife. I know what you're thinking, but no, gay stuff is out too.
10.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possessions. Yes, even if his stuff is better than yours, which of course it is.
Moses then retells the story of the time God delivered the Ten Commandments Moses, reminding the Israelites of what terrible crybabies they were when they heared God's voice. They were all "Oh! Now therefore why should we die? For this great fire will consume us." Wah wah, Israelites. Put your big boy pants on and listen to your God’s voice already.

God, though, loved the trembling reaction. If the Israelites are afraid of Him, maybe they will follow His laws to the letter, right? You know, for an omniscient guy, God can be quite shortsighted.

The Ten Commandments are God’s most important commandments, and he wants to ensure that they are passed down to future generations. "Teach them dilligently unto they children," Moses says God said to him, "and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou rises up, and when thou attempt to impregnate the wife of your dead brother, or when thou kill the inhabitants of the land I promised to you, or when you do any manner of thing that seemingly contradict these important commandments I have given you."

Despite all His bluster, God fears that the Israelites will turn their backs on Him once they enter the Promised Land. After all, the land they are entering is move-in ready: the cities have been constructed, the houses are filled with furniture and knick knacks, the wells have been dug, the vineyards and olive groves have been planted, and all by someone else's hand. God worries that the Israelites will grow complacent and forget that it was only through Him that the Canaanites who worked hard to make the Promised Land more promise-y died a terrible death.

But what He wants to ensure is that no one complains about the accommodations, like the Israelites constantly did about the lack of water in the desert. But come on, did they really think there would be a lot of water in the desert? What a bunch of doofuses.

And what should the Israelites tell their childrena and grandchildren, who will grow up in paradise never having known the hardships of their parents and grandparents? The same thing any parent or grandparent says:
 "When I was your age..."

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