Exodus 13, 14

The first thing God does after securing the Israelites' freedom on the back of dead Egyptians is reiterate his hatred of good bread. He then swears that he will lead his chosen people to a land "flowing with milk and honey," which sounds unsanitary, smelly, and soggy. Know what would be better than a land flowing with milk and honey? One flowing with hot and cold running babes. I might follow some nutjob in the desert for 40 years if I thought they'd be a chance of getting some tail at the end of it all. Milk and honey? I can get those at the A&P. Tail? That'd take a real miracle.

On his way out of Egypt, Moses exhumes the bones of Joseph, he of the many-colored coat and former right-hand man to a pharaoh, to carry with him to the Soggy Land. That's all Joseph needs: one last indignity at the hands of a relative. Can't Moses let the guy rest in peace? Moses immediately sells Joseph's body to some passing traders, just to make the old guy feel at home.

To help the Israelites along, the Lord leads the way by taking the form of a pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night. Moses is grateful for the assistance, but the burning pillar keeps him up at night, and he asks God if He could change Himself into a Hello Kitty night light instead. God is not amused.

Even though God secured the Israelites freedom in a drawn-out battle of plagues and heart-hardening, He isn't done punishing the Egyptians yet. Just for kicks, He hardens the pharaoh's heart one last time. As pharaoh steps over the fallen bodies of his countrymen, shakes locust husks from his hair, finishes up the last of the frog leg soup, and downs a glass of river blood, he addresses what's left of his nation: "Why have we done this, that we have let Israel go from serving us?"

"Because their God destroyed everything we hold dear?" someone shouts.

"Exactly," pharaoh says. "And we should certainly be thankful that we have anything at all left. But I've got a feeling our luck's about the change. Let's go get 'em!"

Pharaoh somehow locates 600 men willing to follow the obviously bat shit crazy fucker whose apparent obstinance cost them so much, and they set out in chariots to bring the Israelites back to captivity. They quickly overtake the Israelites, who are "sore afraid" of the angry horde, "sore afraid" being a biblical euphemism for "shitting bricks." They turn to Moses and do what they do a lot of in the next few books: utterly renounce him and all that he stands for and bitching about his leadership.

"Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness?" some smart aleck asks.

I have to say that this is the funniest thing I've read so far, and yes, I'm counting the story of Noah. It's really a great joke, and kudos to the quick wit who came up with it when faced with an advancing army of 600 pissed Egyptians. Of course, no one's laughing, but as the blog attests, just because no one's laughing doesn't mean it isn't funny.

"Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt?" the wit continues. "Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness."

Moses calms everyone down. After all, the voice in his head has a plan! Moses raises his rod over the Red Sea and a strong wind parts the water, revealing a somewhat squishy path for a quick if messy escape. "Yeah, whatever," the wit says. "You still suck, Moses."

The Egyptians follow the Israelites into the path, and are halfway through when Moses reaches the far bank and raises his rod again, causing the water to crash down on the 600 men and their horses and chariots. Everyone dies. Except maybe the pharaoh. The Bible is mum on exactly who was killed, but suffice it to say that a lot of people were killed. And that's just how the Bible likes it.

A Message From Our Sponsor

Hi. It's me again, the guy writing this. Every once in a while I pop in to interject some uninformed textual criticism. The last time I did this was during the story of Onan when I discussed the ridiculous rationale against masturbation. This time I'd like to discuss Egyptian record-keeping.

I find the Exodus story difficult to believe, and not for the usual the-Bible-is-made-up reason, although that's a good one. What's odd is that the terrible plagues, the death of the firstborn in every family, and the drowning of 600 men a short time after the death of the firstborn went unmentioned by the Egyptians. Even if the Egyptians didn't want to record these humiliating events, surely word would have spread and someone would have written them down in some form. One could argue that they were written down--by Moses. I wouldn't, though, because that would call into question this entire endeavor, and I'm kind of married to this blogging thing.

But these are huge events that decimated a nation. Surely they did not go unnoticed. Comments by anyone with an informed answer would be greatly appreciated.

So what's up next for Moses & Company? A really long song and complicated directions on how to make a table.

And don't steal Moses & Company as the name of your hipster clothing line. I've got dibs on it.

Exodus 12

This chapter is overlong. Why? Because in it God readies the Israelites to commemorate the senseless slaughter of thousands of people, and you know how a big party takes lots of planning.

First, God settles on the main course: lamb. "Every man a lamb," God tells Moses, "according to the house of their fathers, a lamb for an [sic] house. And a car in every garage. Don't worry, it'll make sense thousands of years from now and will prove that I can tell the future. And here's a tip: don't buy stock in Enron."

But because God is all about details, any old lamb won't cut it. No, it has to be a male no older than 1 year, and without blemish. When such a lamb is found it must be kept for 14 days, then every person in the congregation must gather to kill it. Presumably, this rule applies to every house and every lamb, so you can see the logistical problem of trying to make dinner on time if you spend the whole day attending slaughters, especially if you're planning to make charoses, to. A bit of blood should be collected and splashed on both side posts of the front door. This will come in handy later, so the Moses is advised not to overlook telling the Israelites.

The lamb, God instructs, should be roasted with some bitter herbs over a fire that night and eaten with unleavened bread. If anything is left of the lamb the following morning it must be burned. Know what that means?

No leftovers. Just think how poorly the Jews would the Jews would have been treated if they founded Thanksgiving.

But God, the obsessive-compulsive foodie that he is, has a few more regulations. While eating, the Israelites must bind their genitals with a belt, wear shoes (and a shirt as well, or there will be no service), and carry a staff, and they must eat quickly. Why? "For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast," God explains. "And against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD. Plus I love competitive eating contests."

Coming death is as good a reason as any to eat quickly. While it doesn't explain the genital binding--really, what does?--it does explain the bloody door posts. The blood will be the signal for the angel if death to pass over the house and spare the first born residing within. Too bad the Egyptians hadn't caught on to that little trick. It could have saved them some grief.

Then God starts talking about bread. Seems that God hates yeast. I mean he really, really hates it. So much so that he forces His people to eat flat, cardboard-like bread for a whole week and punishes those who dare eat some Wonder: "Whosoever eateth that which is leavened, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger, or born in the land."

No word if the ban extends to tortilla wraps.

Moses, baffled but not given to doubting the voices in his head, relates all this crazy bullshit to his people. As always, they swallow the whole pill: kill the lambs, splash the blood, eat shitty bread. And as the Israelites eat it up, death comes to the Egyptians. The last plague: death of the firstborn.

When I was young, I always assumed that this plague applied only to children. Perhaps it was because as a child I assumed the worst about authority, and killing the firstborn child in the family seemed like something God would do just out of spite. (Turns out I was right.) But, it's not just the firstborn children who die, it's every firstborn in every family, regardless of age; the animals too. No family was spared death. If your grandpa was the first born in his family, he died. If your mom was the first born in her family, she died. If your dog was the firstborn of its litter, it died. Not a single family was untouched, because no matter how old you were, if you were a firstborn, you died.

I believe is philosophical terms, this is called "fucked up." And it happened only because God hardened pharaoh's heart. Remember that the pharaoh wanted to let the Israelites go when Aaron performed his first magic trick. But no, God wasn't satisfied. He wanted to punish the Egyptians, teach them a lesson. Well, it seems that most of the world learned the lesson, and the Jews to this day are paying for it.

Totally freaked out (and obviously not the firstborn in his family), pharaoh kicks the Israelites out in such a hurry that they barely have the time to borrow the jewelry God commanded them to a couple of chapters ago, and the bread they made doesn't have a chance to rise. Which begs the question: is matza part of Passover because God hates yeast or because the Jews were kicked out of Egypt so quickly it didn't have time to rise?

The answer? Who cares! Tons of people of are dead! Let's focus, people!

As Moses and his crew flee, God gives them a summation of his food laws:

"This is the ordinance of the Passover: There shall no stranger eat thereof: But every man's servant that is bought for money, when thou hast circumcised him, then shall he eat thereof. A foreigner and an [sic] hired servant shall not eat thereof. In one house shall it be eaten; thou shalt not carry forth ought of the flesh abroad out of the house; neither shall ye break a bone thereof. All the congregation of Israel shall keep it. And when a stranger shall sojourn with thee, and will keep the Passover to the LORD, let all his males be circumcised, and then let him come near and keep it; and he shall be as one that is born in the land: for no uncircumcised person shall eat thereof. One law shall be to him that is homeborn, and unto the stranger that sojourneth among you."

Remind me never to attend a seder, just to be safe.

Exodus 8, 9, 10, 11

It's been a couple of weeks since I've updated. But the Bible waits for no man, especially not me. So let's get on with the plagues!

When we last left Moses and his mouthpiece brother Aaron, Aaron had just turned all the water in Egypt to blood and the pharaoh had sulked home to enjoy a nice warm glass of O negative. The menstruating river lasted for 7 days and didn't convince the pharaoh that he should let the Israelites go free. Why? Because hardened his heart. It's important to note that God is fueling the plagues by making the pharaoh stubborn and heartless. The pharaoh is such a pussy he wanted to give in to Moses and Aaron's demands when the latter turned his rod into a snake. This blood shit must be making him crazy.

So the bloody river didn't work, so he Lord tells Moses to tell Aaron to stretch out his hand over the river so that a bazillion frogs may leap from every body of water, no matter how small, and overrun the land. Frogs. That's the best the Lord can do? He's going to overrun the land with a high-priced delicacy? I expect some ingenuity from God, not appetizers.

Aaron does as God commanded Moses to tell him what to do, and a shitload of frogs overtake the Egyptians. There are frogs everywhere: in every house, in every bed, in every oven, on every person. And they pee everywhere. It's just gross.

The Pharaoh, in an attempt to reproduce his success of imitating Aaron's stick-into-snake trick, commands his magicians to duplicate this latest disaster. The plan backfires on the pharaoh; the magicians succeed and the land is overrun with even more frogs. How anyone can tell which are the God-sent frogs and which were conjured up by the magicians is anyone's guess.

The idea of a million frogs hopping around and croaking exuberantly sounds cute at first, but pharaoh quickly realizes that its a drag scraping frog guts from your sandals all day long. To make the plague stop, he tells Moses that his people can go to worship the Lord if the frogs would only disappear. Moses agrees, the frogs all die and create a giant stink of rotting frog corpses, and the pharaoh predictably reneges on the deal--but only because God hardens his heart. Have I mentioned that before?

To punish pharaoh for possessing a heart so easily hardened by an all-powerful deity, God tells Moses to tell Aaron to strike the dust with his rod to turn every tiny mote into lice. Aaron obeys, and what is commonly referred to as the Itchy Plague begins.

Pharaoh calls his magicians together to duplicate the lice trick--why, I'm not sure. As with the frogs, it seems the prudent thing to do would be to have the magicians make the lice disappear, not try to make more. Thankfully, the magicians fail. "This is the finger of God," the magicians say. "One guess as to which finger."

God hardens pharaoh's heart. The next plague? Flies. Swarms and swarms of flies. As annoying as the flies are, what really annoys pharaoh is that his tall hat keeps getting caught on the fly paper dangling from the ceiling.

Pharaoh again tells Moses he'll let the Israelites go if the plague stops. Agreed, says Moses. The flies leave, God hardens pharaoh's heart, and bang! It starts all over again, this time with a grievous murrain. What's a murrain, you ask? According to dictionary.com it's "any of various diseases of cattle, as anthrax, foot-and-mouth disease, and Texas fever." I'm guessing the last one isn't included in the biblical definition.

All the horses asses, camels, sheep, oxen, and cattle not owned by Israelites die. But pharaoh doesn't care, for God has hardened his heart.

Then come the boils that burst with blains--defined as most likely black leprosy, but the word is only used in connection with the sixth plaque. Bursting boils. That's gotta smart. But pharaoh doesn't care, for God has hardened his heart.

Then comes the hail, with a little bit of fire mixed in just to scare the shit out of everyone. The hail-fire destroy everything, including pharaoh's resolve. "I have sinned this time: the LORD is righteous, and I and my people are wicked," Pharaoh says to Moses and Aaron. "Intreat the Lord (for it is enough) that there be no more mighty thunderings and hail; and I will let you go, and ye shall stay no longer."

Moses doesn't believe him, so the hail continues until the mature barley was destroyed, which seems arbitrary to me. The tender, young barely is spared, which is absolutely hilarious considering the aim of the tenth plague.

As soon as the hail stops, God hardens pharaoh's heart again. Which leads us to the next plague: locusts. Here's how God describes the coming locust storm to Moses:

"And they shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth: and they shall eat the residue of that which is escaped, which remaineth unto you from the hail, and shall eat every tree which groweth for you out of the field. And they shall fill thy houses, and the houses of all thy servants, and the houses of all the Egyptians; which neither thy fathers, nor thy fathers' fathers have seen, since the day that they were upon the earth unto this day."

The next day, cans of Raid were selling for $1000 on ebay.

But before the locusts come, pharaoh bargains with Moses and Aaron. He will allow all the men to leave to serve the Lord, but not the women and children. No way, Moses and Aaron say. The next morning, an east wind brings the locusts.

The swarm is so large it blots out the sun, and so ravenous that it devours every tiny leaf or herb in all of Egypt. The stoners are quite upset.

"Uncle!" cries the pharaoh. "I will let your people go!" And just like that, a west wind sweeps the locusts away.

But God's not through having fun yet, for he hardens pharaoh's heart again. That brings on the next plague: darkness that can be felt. So I'm guessing that God just wraps everyone in wool blankets.

After 3 days, tired of barking his shins on the living room coffee table, Pharaoh tells Moses and Aaron to leave already. "Go ye, serve the LORD," he says. "Only let your flocks and your herds be stayed: let your little ones also go with you."

Moses pleads that he must present burnt offerings to the Lord, so the livestock must accompany them. No way, says pharaoh because--wait for it--God has hardened his heart.

Oh no he didn't! Yes he did!

God--once again pissed that pharaoh allows himself to be manipulated--calls for one more plague, a terrible, terrible plague. But before he announces it, God instructs Moses and Aaron to have every man and woman borrow from their neighbors jewels of silver and gold. Considering that their only neighbors are the Egyptians, I'm guessing that the Israelites are going to come up a little short.

Then God drops the bomb: the last plague will be death to the firstborn in every family. And how does God know it will be the last?

Because he will finally allow pharaoh to do what he wanted to when he first saw the rod turn to a snake: let the Israelites go.