There is only one God.
And He's a foodie.
I feel that God has gone over His menu preferences a half dozen times already, but since it seems that no one pays attention to the details He's going to go over everything one more time, with feeling. This time He breaks it down into daily, weekly, and monthly offerings; Passover crudite; and noshables for the Festival of Weeks. He details what to serve at the Festival of Trumpets (I read that Deadmou5 is playing the festival this year), the Day of Atonement (which allows you to do terrible things 364 days a year as long as you’re really, really sorry on that one day), and the Festival of Tabernacles (which includes instructions on gilding your own shittim wood).
Do I really need to go over this again? God digs aroma and everything is burnt rams and bulls without blemish, the finest flour mixed with the oiliest oil, first fruits, and Manischewitz. You’ve heard it before and you’ll probably hear it again. Next time I think I’ll just skip it. Unless there’s a human sacrifice. That would be pretty sweet.
God joins the Clean Plate Club and moves on to the importance of keeping vows. I think that God could learn a little something from his own advice.
The Lord commands that no man should break his word. I like that one. Straight to the point.
And remember what I said last time about God striking a blow for feminism by allowing daughters to inherit their father's land? Well, I take it back. Here God puts women firmly under the boots of their fathers or husbands. It's like this, ladies: If you’re living at home and make a promise and your father hears of the vow and says nothing, the vow stands; but if your father objects then the vow is nullified. If you’re married, your husband has veto power over your promises.
If her husband hears of the vow but waits a while before objecting, tough shit. The vow stands and the husband must bear the brunt of his wife's poor decision, because really, any decision a woman makes on her own behalf will necessarily have a negative outcome.
So girls, before you promise to give your boyfriend a handy you better see what your dad says first. I'm sure it'll be fine.
What this means of course is that while men can’t break their own promises they can break someone else’s. I’m sure that makes sense to someone.
And widowed or divorced women can promise any old fool thing to anyone. Nobody cares about them because without a man in their lives, they are essentially worthless.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Numbers 27
This is the moment we've all been waiting for. After months of reading, writing, and whatever the hell else I've been doing, we finally unearthed the golden nugget, the most important thing that has yet to happen to our unlucky band of desert dwellers. Of course I'm talking about inheritance law! Fuck yeah! Let’s get down to it!
Five women--Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milkah and Tirzah. Happy now?--have a teeny tiny little barely-there problem with the last chapter. In the loooooong list of names representing clans that received a portion of land it seems that Moses left out their father, Zelophehad. My first thought was that it's because his name starts with a "Z" and was accidentally dropped from the list. A simple proofreading error. But no. It was because Zelophehad had no sons to pass an inheritance down to. His daughters think that's an oversight. After all, they had to put up with the guy all these years. They deserve something for that, right?
Moses brings the case before God. In what must be considered a victory for women everywhere, God agrees with the daughters. They deserve a piece of the pie. God even wants Moses to bore everyone by elucidating the laws of inheritance.
Because I want to be like God, I’ll bore you too:
If a man dies but has no son, his inheritance goes to his daughters. (See above.)
No daughters? Then all his crap goes to his brothers.
No brothers? Then it goes not to his father, but his uncles. Seems odd, but who am I to question God?
No uncles? At this point just give it away to whomever. Third cousin once removed? Your aunt’s boyfriend? That guy who always comes to Thanksgiving but no one really knows who he is? Doesn't really matter. Let’s just wrap the whole thing up.
After God gets that important piece of business out of the way, he drops a bomb on Moses: because of the whole incident where Moses didn't follow exactly the directions for getting water from a stone he's being relieved from his duties as head of the Israelites. Nice way to bury the lead, Bible.
And who's the best man to lead the million plus complainers on the final leg of their journey? Joshua. You might remember him from such films as Climbed Halfway up Mt. Sinai When Moses Received the 10 Commandments, Leading the Israelite Army Against Amalek, and I Was One of the 12 Guys Who Spied on Canaan and May or May Not Have Been One of Those Who Lied About What We Saw to Avoid War. He's got credentials.
Moses lays his hands on Joshua and the deal is done. "Now they're your problem, sucker," Moses says. Then he laughs. Oh, how he laughs!
Five women--Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milkah and Tirzah. Happy now?--have a teeny tiny little barely-there problem with the last chapter. In the loooooong list of names representing clans that received a portion of land it seems that Moses left out their father, Zelophehad. My first thought was that it's because his name starts with a "Z" and was accidentally dropped from the list. A simple proofreading error. But no. It was because Zelophehad had no sons to pass an inheritance down to. His daughters think that's an oversight. After all, they had to put up with the guy all these years. They deserve something for that, right?
Moses brings the case before God. In what must be considered a victory for women everywhere, God agrees with the daughters. They deserve a piece of the pie. God even wants Moses to bore everyone by elucidating the laws of inheritance.
Because I want to be like God, I’ll bore you too:
If a man dies but has no son, his inheritance goes to his daughters. (See above.)
No daughters? Then all his crap goes to his brothers.
No brothers? Then it goes not to his father, but his uncles. Seems odd, but who am I to question God?
No uncles? At this point just give it away to whomever. Third cousin once removed? Your aunt’s boyfriend? That guy who always comes to Thanksgiving but no one really knows who he is? Doesn't really matter. Let’s just wrap the whole thing up.
After God gets that important piece of business out of the way, he drops a bomb on Moses: because of the whole incident where Moses didn't follow exactly the directions for getting water from a stone he's being relieved from his duties as head of the Israelites. Nice way to bury the lead, Bible.
And who's the best man to lead the million plus complainers on the final leg of their journey? Joshua. You might remember him from such films as Climbed Halfway up Mt. Sinai When Moses Received the 10 Commandments, Leading the Israelite Army Against Amalek, and I Was One of the 12 Guys Who Spied on Canaan and May or May Not Have Been One of Those Who Lied About What We Saw to Avoid War. He's got credentials.
Moses lays his hands on Joshua and the deal is done. "Now they're your problem, sucker," Moses says. Then he laughs. Oh, how he laughs!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Numbers 25, 26
Now that the Israelites have made themselves comfortable in an actual town named Shittim, they start fucking around with the Moabite women. I'm assuming it's the men who are running loose with the Moabite women, because no one would tolerate the women doing it. (I assume that Shittim is where shittim wood is found. You may recall this wood as the one used to construct the tabernacle and the Ark of the Covenant. Wow. I really am going to kick ass on Jeopardy! in the “Woods of the Old Testament” category.)
The Moabite women not only seduce the Israelite men they convince the men to worship Baal-Peor, who, from what little research I ever do, is their sun god. His name literally means "Lord of the Opening," which explains all the sex.
The Israelite men join the Moabite women in a sacrifice to Lord God Opening. You may recall what happened this one time the Israelites worshiped a god other than God. The Israelites sure don't or else they wouldn't have done it. But surprise surprise! God gets angry. Who could have guessed that?
God wants Moses to kill all the heaven men and hang them facing the sun so "that the fierce anger of the Lord may be turned away from Israel."
I don't know if this actually happens because the action quickly turns to an Israelite man and a Midianite woman walking slowly into the tent of meeting, which is presumably some kind of meeting tent. Phinehas, one of Aaron's sons, takes a spear, follows the man and woman into the tent, and kills them both with one jab. That Phinehas must be pretty strong or that spear must have been quite sharp. Maybe it was a combination of the two.
Regardless, God decides to stop the plague. I know, what plague, right? Beats me, but 24,000 people died because of it, so it must have been pretty bad. You think someone would have mentioned it before.
This spearing satisfies God. He's no longer angry about the strange-god worshiping thing and makes a covenant with Phinehas that his descendants will forever be priests. As far as covenant's go, that's got to be one of the worst.
Even though God isn't angry with the Israelites anymore it doesn't mean he isn't angry. He’s always angry. He tells Moses to treat the Midianites as enemies and to go all Metallica on them and kill ’em all. It turns out that the Midianites and the Moabites worship the same gods and God considers the Midianites as equally to blame for the whole Baal-Peor thing.
Man, this is getting confusing.
God now wants an accounting of every male 20 years and older who can be conscripted. I guess it's hard for god to keep track of who's left after all the wars and the most recent plague and everything. Turns out that there's still a respectable number of men who can fight for Israel. 601,730, to be exact. Later on we learn that there are 23,000 male infants at least a month old. And that's just the males. That means there’s still a lot of people wandering around the desert.
Then God wants Moses to divvy up the land among the tribes, allocating larger portions of land to the larger tribes and small portions to the smaller tribes. I guess that means the Israelites are staying put for a while! Right?
The Moabite women not only seduce the Israelite men they convince the men to worship Baal-Peor, who, from what little research I ever do, is their sun god. His name literally means "Lord of the Opening," which explains all the sex.
The Israelite men join the Moabite women in a sacrifice to Lord God Opening. You may recall what happened this one time the Israelites worshiped a god other than God. The Israelites sure don't or else they wouldn't have done it. But surprise surprise! God gets angry. Who could have guessed that?
God wants Moses to kill all the heaven men and hang them facing the sun so "that the fierce anger of the Lord may be turned away from Israel."
I don't know if this actually happens because the action quickly turns to an Israelite man and a Midianite woman walking slowly into the tent of meeting, which is presumably some kind of meeting tent. Phinehas, one of Aaron's sons, takes a spear, follows the man and woman into the tent, and kills them both with one jab. That Phinehas must be pretty strong or that spear must have been quite sharp. Maybe it was a combination of the two.
Regardless, God decides to stop the plague. I know, what plague, right? Beats me, but 24,000 people died because of it, so it must have been pretty bad. You think someone would have mentioned it before.
This spearing satisfies God. He's no longer angry about the strange-god worshiping thing and makes a covenant with Phinehas that his descendants will forever be priests. As far as covenant's go, that's got to be one of the worst.
Even though God isn't angry with the Israelites anymore it doesn't mean he isn't angry. He’s always angry. He tells Moses to treat the Midianites as enemies and to go all Metallica on them and kill ’em all. It turns out that the Midianites and the Moabites worship the same gods and God considers the Midianites as equally to blame for the whole Baal-Peor thing.
Man, this is getting confusing.
God now wants an accounting of every male 20 years and older who can be conscripted. I guess it's hard for god to keep track of who's left after all the wars and the most recent plague and everything. Turns out that there's still a respectable number of men who can fight for Israel. 601,730, to be exact. Later on we learn that there are 23,000 male infants at least a month old. And that's just the males. That means there’s still a lot of people wandering around the desert.
Then God wants Moses to divvy up the land among the tribes, allocating larger portions of land to the larger tribes and small portions to the smaller tribes. I guess that means the Israelites are staying put for a while! Right?
Numbers 23, 24
God's new mouthpiece Balaam cons Balak into building seven altars so they can sacrifice bulls and rams to the Lord. Balaam must be some sweet talker, considering Balak in the king's son and the last time he probably built an alter it was out of solid gold Legos. A bull and a ram are killed on each altar and Balaam head out for his conference call with the Lord.
God stuffs some words in Balaam's mouth, and Balaam returns to deliver the message to Balak and the elders of Moab. I'm paraphrasing here, but God essentially told Balaam to say that there is no fucking way He was going to curse the Israelites.
Annoyed, Balak climbs a hill with Balaam in tow to show him the amassing Israeli army. "Thou shalt see the upmost of them, and shalt not see them all," Balak says. "That's a buttload of soldiers who are coming to kill me. Now will you curse them?"
Balaam backs away and again meets with God. The message from God is essentially the same: are you fucking nuts, Balak?"
God does say something interesting to Balaam, though. "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent; hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"
It appears that God is like any father reflecting on his child-rearing years, whitewashing his memories until everything is painted to color of fond memories. There are numerous instances where God has broken his promises, or lied, or felt bad about something he did and reversed course. God's indulging in some selective memory here.
Balak just won't take no for an answer. Must be nice being the king's son, always getting your way. Balak convinces Balaam to give it one last shot to convince God to curse His chosen people. Giving in, Balaam instructs Balak to build seven altars and prepare seven bulls and rams. One of each animal is killed on each altar. Third time's a charm, Balak. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
As you can imagine, the third meeting does not go in Balak's favor. Balaam returns with this message: "God hath brough him out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows."
"So," Balak asks, "is that a no to cursing them, then? It's a little unclear." But Balak is a tad miffed. Ok, he's pissed. Royally pissed, some might say as a way to tie in his parantage with his anger. He sends Balaam back to his people without the riches he promised him. Balaam says he doesn't care, but it's obvious he feels cheated because he has four more messages from God to deliver.
Ther are:
1. To the people of Moab: A sceptor weilded by the Israelites will crush the foreheads of your people and the skulls of all the people of Sheth. Edom and Seir will be conquered, and the Israelites will destroy the survivors of the city.
2. To the people of Amalek: your country was on the first nations but now it will be completely destroyed, bitches!
3. To the Kenites: Do you think building your homes in rocks was a sound idea? No fucking way! Nothing can save you! Everyone will be taken captive.
4. To anyone who would foolish enough to land their ships at Cyprus: Bad choice, dickweeds! Prepare to be destroyed?
Balak and Balaam part, promising to definitely meet for coffee next week, or maybe the week after. Well, let me ckeck my schedule. But soon! We'll definitely get together soon! Love ya!
God stuffs some words in Balaam's mouth, and Balaam returns to deliver the message to Balak and the elders of Moab. I'm paraphrasing here, but God essentially told Balaam to say that there is no fucking way He was going to curse the Israelites.
Annoyed, Balak climbs a hill with Balaam in tow to show him the amassing Israeli army. "Thou shalt see the upmost of them, and shalt not see them all," Balak says. "That's a buttload of soldiers who are coming to kill me. Now will you curse them?"
Balaam backs away and again meets with God. The message from God is essentially the same: are you fucking nuts, Balak?"
God does say something interesting to Balaam, though. "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent; hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"
It appears that God is like any father reflecting on his child-rearing years, whitewashing his memories until everything is painted to color of fond memories. There are numerous instances where God has broken his promises, or lied, or felt bad about something he did and reversed course. God's indulging in some selective memory here.
Balak just won't take no for an answer. Must be nice being the king's son, always getting your way. Balak convinces Balaam to give it one last shot to convince God to curse His chosen people. Giving in, Balaam instructs Balak to build seven altars and prepare seven bulls and rams. One of each animal is killed on each altar. Third time's a charm, Balak. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
As you can imagine, the third meeting does not go in Balak's favor. Balaam returns with this message: "God hath brough him out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of a unicorn: he shall eat up the nations his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows."
"So," Balak asks, "is that a no to cursing them, then? It's a little unclear." But Balak is a tad miffed. Ok, he's pissed. Royally pissed, some might say as a way to tie in his parantage with his anger. He sends Balaam back to his people without the riches he promised him. Balaam says he doesn't care, but it's obvious he feels cheated because he has four more messages from God to deliver.
Ther are:
1. To the people of Moab: A sceptor weilded by the Israelites will crush the foreheads of your people and the skulls of all the people of Sheth. Edom and Seir will be conquered, and the Israelites will destroy the survivors of the city.
2. To the people of Amalek: your country was on the first nations but now it will be completely destroyed, bitches!
3. To the Kenites: Do you think building your homes in rocks was a sound idea? No fucking way! Nothing can save you! Everyone will be taken captive.
4. To anyone who would foolish enough to land their ships at Cyprus: Bad choice, dickweeds! Prepare to be destroyed?
Balak and Balaam part, promising to definitely meet for coffee next week, or maybe the week after. Well, let me ckeck my schedule. But soon! We'll definitely get together soon! Love ya!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Numbers 21, 22
Moses, flying solo, ignores the Canaanite King's warning not to set foot on his land. Traveling on the road through Canaan, the Israelites are attacked and some are taken prisoner. Moses makes a plea to the Lord: "If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities. Also, some food would be nice."
God ignores the second request but fulfills the first, and the Israelites are victorious. They rename the place Hormah because they couldn't think of anything else.
And now it's Groundhog Day: the Israelites complain about being in the wilderness with no food or water and why did the Lord lead us out of Egypt just to die in the desert? (Shorthand from now on: TICABITWWNFOWAWDTLLUOOEJTDITD?) The Lord, ever creative in the punishment department, sends venomous snakes to bite His people, which you have to admit is a pretty cool and random punishment. Many people die. No surprise there.
After Moses prays, God releases He may have been a little hasty. But instead of simply curing everyone with a snap of--let's call them His "fingers"--God instructs Moses to make a snake out of bronze and stick it on the end of a pole. Anyone still suffering from snake bite-itis can be instantly cured by looking at the bronze snake on the pole. If you think about it, that's really the best fix for the problem.
The Israelites trudge on until they come to the land of the Armortites. They give King Sihon the same deal they gave to the Canaanite king: let us pass through your land and we'll make restitution for anything we eat, drink, or despoil on the way. Sihon refuses, so Mo and Co take over the land and settle there for a while. Drunk on his newfound military might, Moses leads the Israelites in battle against Og, king of Bashun. In Bashun, Moses just kills everyone and settles there for a while.
All of this conquering makes me wonder why the Israelites need to find the Promised Land in the first place if they have no trouble taking over existing cities, cities that no doubt have an abundance of food, water, and shelter. Why not just live in any of these places, especially after killing everyone who lived there. Kind of a waste to kill everyone in a city and just move on, isn't it?
And yet the Israelites move on, to Moab. As you can imagine, the Moabites are shitting their pants at the sight of all those Israelites near their border. Balak, son of the Moab king, Zippor, asks the elders of Moab and Midian to curse the Israelites, ensuring that the Moabites will win in battle. Balak pays the elders for their cursing spells.
The elders meet with someone named Balaam, who, I don't know why, can also talk to the Lord. Why haven’t we heard about him yet? Balaam, who obviously hasn’t been reading along, asks God to curse the Israelites. God, of course, refuses, and instructs Balaam not to return to Moab with the elders. Balak isn't happy about that: he promises Balaam riches if he returns to Moab. Balaam confers again with God, Who finally tells him to return to Moab. "Go with them," God says. "But yet the word which I shall say unto thee, thou shalt do. Be prepared, though. It's about to get weird."
As instructed by God, Balaam saddles up his donkey and departs for Moab. For some schizophrenic reason, God is angry about this, even though Balaam is doing exactly what He told him to do. God sends an angel with a sword to block Balaam's path. Funny thing is, only the donkey can see the angel. Hilarious, right?
The heavenly visage spooks the donkey so bad that it runs into a field. Balaam, thinking the donkey is just being a stubborn donkey, beats the animal with a stick until it returns to the road.
The swordy angel herds the donkey onto a narrow road with walls on both sides. This also freaks out the donkey; it makes a beeline for the wall, inadvertently crushing Balaam's foot. Pissed, Balaam beats the donkey again. The angel then directs the donkey onto an even narrower path that leaves no room to turn left or right. The scaredy donkey lies down in the road. Out of ideas, Balaam beats it again.
The angel, who one would assume could do pretty much anything, gives the donkey the power of speech. That's right: now we have a talking donkey.
"What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?" the donkey asks. "Besides, you know, the shit I just did."
Balaam, totally unfazed by a talking donkey, answers that he thinks the donkey is mocking him by refusing to obey. "I would that there were a sword in my hand, for now would I kill thee."
The angel, having heard enough, decides to reveal itself. Balaam, horrified, prostrates himself before the apparition. "Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass three times?" the angel wants to know.
First a talking donkey, now an angel with a sword? Balaam thinks he is having one hell of a flashback. But the angel doesn’t really care about the abused donkey; he’s there to remind Balaam that he must say only what God tells him to say.
"Got it," Balaam says. "Now can you make this donkey be quiet?"
When Balaam arrives in Moab, Balak wants to know why he didn't come sooner. You'd think Balaam wouldn't say anything, considering what the angel just told him, but he answers anyway: "Lo, I am come unto thee: have I now any power to say any thing? The word that God putteth in my mouth, that shall I speak. But you're married, so you know what that's like. Women. Am I right fellas?"
Balak offers Balaam oxen and sheep because he doesn't have any decent gifts to give, and the next days they climb a mountain to view the assembling Israelite army. I’m on the edge of my seat here.
God ignores the second request but fulfills the first, and the Israelites are victorious. They rename the place Hormah because they couldn't think of anything else.
And now it's Groundhog Day: the Israelites complain about being in the wilderness with no food or water and why did the Lord lead us out of Egypt just to die in the desert? (Shorthand from now on: TICABITWWNFOWAWDTLLUOOEJTDITD?) The Lord, ever creative in the punishment department, sends venomous snakes to bite His people, which you have to admit is a pretty cool and random punishment. Many people die. No surprise there.
After Moses prays, God releases He may have been a little hasty. But instead of simply curing everyone with a snap of--let's call them His "fingers"--God instructs Moses to make a snake out of bronze and stick it on the end of a pole. Anyone still suffering from snake bite-itis can be instantly cured by looking at the bronze snake on the pole. If you think about it, that's really the best fix for the problem.
The Israelites trudge on until they come to the land of the Armortites. They give King Sihon the same deal they gave to the Canaanite king: let us pass through your land and we'll make restitution for anything we eat, drink, or despoil on the way. Sihon refuses, so Mo and Co take over the land and settle there for a while. Drunk on his newfound military might, Moses leads the Israelites in battle against Og, king of Bashun. In Bashun, Moses just kills everyone and settles there for a while.
All of this conquering makes me wonder why the Israelites need to find the Promised Land in the first place if they have no trouble taking over existing cities, cities that no doubt have an abundance of food, water, and shelter. Why not just live in any of these places, especially after killing everyone who lived there. Kind of a waste to kill everyone in a city and just move on, isn't it?
And yet the Israelites move on, to Moab. As you can imagine, the Moabites are shitting their pants at the sight of all those Israelites near their border. Balak, son of the Moab king, Zippor, asks the elders of Moab and Midian to curse the Israelites, ensuring that the Moabites will win in battle. Balak pays the elders for their cursing spells.
The elders meet with someone named Balaam, who, I don't know why, can also talk to the Lord. Why haven’t we heard about him yet? Balaam, who obviously hasn’t been reading along, asks God to curse the Israelites. God, of course, refuses, and instructs Balaam not to return to Moab with the elders. Balak isn't happy about that: he promises Balaam riches if he returns to Moab. Balaam confers again with God, Who finally tells him to return to Moab. "Go with them," God says. "But yet the word which I shall say unto thee, thou shalt do. Be prepared, though. It's about to get weird."
As instructed by God, Balaam saddles up his donkey and departs for Moab. For some schizophrenic reason, God is angry about this, even though Balaam is doing exactly what He told him to do. God sends an angel with a sword to block Balaam's path. Funny thing is, only the donkey can see the angel. Hilarious, right?
The heavenly visage spooks the donkey so bad that it runs into a field. Balaam, thinking the donkey is just being a stubborn donkey, beats the animal with a stick until it returns to the road.
The swordy angel herds the donkey onto a narrow road with walls on both sides. This also freaks out the donkey; it makes a beeline for the wall, inadvertently crushing Balaam's foot. Pissed, Balaam beats the donkey again. The angel then directs the donkey onto an even narrower path that leaves no room to turn left or right. The scaredy donkey lies down in the road. Out of ideas, Balaam beats it again.
The angel, who one would assume could do pretty much anything, gives the donkey the power of speech. That's right: now we have a talking donkey.
"What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?" the donkey asks. "Besides, you know, the shit I just did."
Balaam, totally unfazed by a talking donkey, answers that he thinks the donkey is mocking him by refusing to obey. "I would that there were a sword in my hand, for now would I kill thee."
The angel, having heard enough, decides to reveal itself. Balaam, horrified, prostrates himself before the apparition. "Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass three times?" the angel wants to know.
First a talking donkey, now an angel with a sword? Balaam thinks he is having one hell of a flashback. But the angel doesn’t really care about the abused donkey; he’s there to remind Balaam that he must say only what God tells him to say.
"Got it," Balaam says. "Now can you make this donkey be quiet?"
When Balaam arrives in Moab, Balak wants to know why he didn't come sooner. You'd think Balaam wouldn't say anything, considering what the angel just told him, but he answers anyway: "Lo, I am come unto thee: have I now any power to say any thing? The word that God putteth in my mouth, that shall I speak. But you're married, so you know what that's like. Women. Am I right fellas?"
Balak offers Balaam oxen and sheep because he doesn't have any decent gifts to give, and the next days they climb a mountain to view the assembling Israelite army. I’m on the edge of my seat here.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Numbers 20
Two important things happen right away. The first is that Miriam, Moses' and Aaron's sister, dies. She passes away and is buried in one sentence, even though you'd think it would be a pretty big deal. The second is that there's no water and, unfathomably, the Israelites rail against the brothers. Given the current state of the world it's no surprise that no one learns anything from the past.
We've heard the complaints before: why would God bring the Israelites into the desert only to let them die? Why did God lead them out of the plentiful land of Egypt into the barren wasteland where they are no figs or pomegranates? How is it that Run-DMC was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame four years before Rush?
Uncharacteristically, God decides to listen for once and not go off half-cocked. He gives Moses and Aaron a rod and instructs them to speak to a rock. The rock will then spill forth water for everyone to drink. Sounds simple enough. Maybe they should have written down the instructions instead of acting like one of those waiters who shows off by memorizing your order only to bring you an open face turkey sandwich instead of the turkey club, the idiot.
The pair gather everyone together for the show and use the rod to strike the rock, which then spills forth water. God, ever the nitpicker, punishes them both harshly for striking the rock instead of talking to it, even though Aaron didn't do a thing: they will not be allowed to enter the Promised land.
Can you believe that shit? These poor guys mess up one tiny thing, an act so inconsequential that no one in their right mind could be angry about it, and now they have to stay in the desert forever? Why did God give them a stick in the first place? If God was going to be so anal about the whole thing why didn't He cut out the middle prophet just make water come from the rock? It's inconceivable.
Moses' and Aaron's problems don't end there. When their unlucky band reaches the edge of Edom Moses sends messengers to ask the king for permission to walk through town on their way to the place he and his brother can no longer enter. The messengers relay their sad story to the king, who, you may have guessed, is less than sympathetic. The king refuses to let the Israelites walk through his city, threatening to kill anyone who steps into Edom. The messengers promise to stick to the highway and even offer to pay the king for any water the cattle might drink and promise to adopt the highway and pick up litter on their way. No dice.
Faced with he prospect of having to go completely out of their way in the desert, the Israelites trudge on to Mount Hor, where God instructs Moses to strip Aaron and give his clothes to Eleazar. Aaron promptly dies on the mountaintop. the Israelites mourn his passing for thirty days, which is more than they did for poor Miriam.
We've heard the complaints before: why would God bring the Israelites into the desert only to let them die? Why did God lead them out of the plentiful land of Egypt into the barren wasteland where they are no figs or pomegranates? How is it that Run-DMC was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame four years before Rush?
Uncharacteristically, God decides to listen for once and not go off half-cocked. He gives Moses and Aaron a rod and instructs them to speak to a rock. The rock will then spill forth water for everyone to drink. Sounds simple enough. Maybe they should have written down the instructions instead of acting like one of those waiters who shows off by memorizing your order only to bring you an open face turkey sandwich instead of the turkey club, the idiot.
The pair gather everyone together for the show and use the rod to strike the rock, which then spills forth water. God, ever the nitpicker, punishes them both harshly for striking the rock instead of talking to it, even though Aaron didn't do a thing: they will not be allowed to enter the Promised land.
Can you believe that shit? These poor guys mess up one tiny thing, an act so inconsequential that no one in their right mind could be angry about it, and now they have to stay in the desert forever? Why did God give them a stick in the first place? If God was going to be so anal about the whole thing why didn't He cut out the middle prophet just make water come from the rock? It's inconceivable.
Moses' and Aaron's problems don't end there. When their unlucky band reaches the edge of Edom Moses sends messengers to ask the king for permission to walk through town on their way to the place he and his brother can no longer enter. The messengers relay their sad story to the king, who, you may have guessed, is less than sympathetic. The king refuses to let the Israelites walk through his city, threatening to kill anyone who steps into Edom. The messengers promise to stick to the highway and even offer to pay the king for any water the cattle might drink and promise to adopt the highway and pick up litter on their way. No dice.
Faced with he prospect of having to go completely out of their way in the desert, the Israelites trudge on to Mount Hor, where God instructs Moses to strip Aaron and give his clothes to Eleazar. Aaron promptly dies on the mountaintop. the Israelites mourn his passing for thirty days, which is more than they did for poor Miriam.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Numbers 17, 18, 19
God wants the Israelites to stop complaining. To accomplish this He commands the twelve princes of Israel--including Aaron, who heads the Levite clan--to write their names on rods so He can play a game of pickup sticks and choose the most favored family. Because choosing one child as your favorite is the best way to stop siblings from complaining.
Moses lays the twelve rods in the tabernacle and the next morning one of the rods has blossomed and borne almonds. And whose rod was that? Aaron's, of course. Stupid Aaron, who gets to do all the cool stuff with God anyway. Everyone I'm sure will be happy to hear that bit of news.
The Levites are charged with caring for the tabernacle, which I think they are already in charge of. They now manage the offerings--wave, heave, grain, etc--and can even eat a tenth of all of them, which surely won't bother any one of the hundreds of thousands of people going hungry in the long march through the desert. The Levites can't own any land but since they will receive food on a regular basis, what difference does it make? They get food and don't have to work the land. Win win!
There are catches, though. If strangers approach the tabernacle, all of the Levites will die. If any Levite helps himself to any gifts or sacrifices--which are someone different than offerings--then he will die. And as long as the Levites follow all of these rules exactly God will never again punish the Israelites. No pressure, Levites. But given the Israelites' track record on keeping God's commandments I'd start preparing now for some major punishments.
The Lord then tells Aaron and Moses to procure for the Aaron's son, the priest Eleazar, a red heifer without blemish, one that has never been under a yoke. Eleazor should kill the cow and sprinkle its blood seven times before the tabernacle. Someone else must then burn the carcass in Eleazar's sight. Both men have to wash their clothes and bathe; they are still considered unclean until the evening. My suggestion would be to kill the cow close to dinner so they'll only be unclean for a little while.
The cow's ashes are to be swept up, mixed with water, and used to purify anyone who comes into contact with a dead body. Oddly, the person who sprinkles the ashy water onto the unclean person is now himself considered unclean. You can see how this kind of thing can go on forever in a recursive loop, where the person purifying the unclean person needs to be cleansed by someone who will them be considered unclean, and on and on and on. That basically guarantees that one person will always be unclean, just like in the NBA.
Moses lays the twelve rods in the tabernacle and the next morning one of the rods has blossomed and borne almonds. And whose rod was that? Aaron's, of course. Stupid Aaron, who gets to do all the cool stuff with God anyway. Everyone I'm sure will be happy to hear that bit of news.
The Levites are charged with caring for the tabernacle, which I think they are already in charge of. They now manage the offerings--wave, heave, grain, etc--and can even eat a tenth of all of them, which surely won't bother any one of the hundreds of thousands of people going hungry in the long march through the desert. The Levites can't own any land but since they will receive food on a regular basis, what difference does it make? They get food and don't have to work the land. Win win!
There are catches, though. If strangers approach the tabernacle, all of the Levites will die. If any Levite helps himself to any gifts or sacrifices--which are someone different than offerings--then he will die. And as long as the Levites follow all of these rules exactly God will never again punish the Israelites. No pressure, Levites. But given the Israelites' track record on keeping God's commandments I'd start preparing now for some major punishments.
The Lord then tells Aaron and Moses to procure for the Aaron's son, the priest Eleazar, a red heifer without blemish, one that has never been under a yoke. Eleazor should kill the cow and sprinkle its blood seven times before the tabernacle. Someone else must then burn the carcass in Eleazar's sight. Both men have to wash their clothes and bathe; they are still considered unclean until the evening. My suggestion would be to kill the cow close to dinner so they'll only be unclean for a little while.
The cow's ashes are to be swept up, mixed with water, and used to purify anyone who comes into contact with a dead body. Oddly, the person who sprinkles the ashy water onto the unclean person is now himself considered unclean. You can see how this kind of thing can go on forever in a recursive loop, where the person purifying the unclean person needs to be cleansed by someone who will them be considered unclean, and on and on and on. That basically guarantees that one person will always be unclean, just like in the NBA.
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