Deuteronomy 21

Here's a question for you: you're out for a stroll in the Promised Land, just a normal everyday walk through the new neighborhood, and you come upon a dead body. You take a look around, maybe under a nearby bush or rock, and you can't figure out who the killer is. Not so unusual. After all, only in movies do killers leave calling cards. What should you do?

You have the elders of the nearest town take a heifer that has neither worked nor worn a yoke down to stream in a valley that has never been plowed or planted with crops. The elders should break the heifer's neck and the priests of the town should wash their hands over the dead beast, asking God to hold them blameless for the death of this man.

Or you could call homicide and have them investigate. Your choice.

Here's another one: in the land you've just conquered you notice a beautiful woman among those taken captive. What should you do?

Take her as your wife, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and have her walk around naked for a month until she has properly mourned her family. Then the two of you can go through town as a proper husband and wife. Unless you get tired of her, in which case you tell her to get lost.

Or you can keep it in your pants. Either one is probably fine.

How about this one: you have two wives, only one of whom you love, and they both bear you sons, but the firstborn son is of the wife you don't love. What should you do?

You should honor the commitments you have to the actual firstborn son and not punish the boy because of the relationship you have with his mother.

Or you could just marry one woman, Joseph Smith. But you know, six of one, half dozen the other.

Just one more: you have a rebellious son who drinks and eats to excess and never listens to you. What do you do?

Why stone him to death, of course.

Or you could...nah, stone him. He deserves it.

Bonus question: someone has been found guilty of a capital offense and put to death, and his body hung on a pole in the center of town. Should you leave the body there overnight?

Wait, what? What kind of book is this anyway?