Numbers 17, 18, 19

God wants the Israelites to stop complaining. To accomplish this He commands the twelve princes of Israel--including Aaron, who heads the Levite clan--to write their names on rods so He can play a game of pickup sticks and choose the most favored family. Because choosing one child as your favorite is the best way to stop siblings from complaining.

Moses lays the twelve rods in the tabernacle and the next morning one of the rods has blossomed and borne almonds. And whose rod was that? Aaron's, of course. Stupid Aaron, who gets to do all the cool stuff with God anyway.  Everyone I'm sure will be happy to hear that bit of news.

The Levites are charged with caring for the tabernacle, which I think they are already in charge of. They now manage the offerings--wave, heave, grain, etc--and can even eat a tenth of all of them, which surely won't bother any one of the hundreds of thousands of people going hungry in the long march through the desert. The Levites can't own any land but since they will receive food on a regular basis, what difference does it make? They get food and don't have to work the land. Win win!

There are catches, though. If strangers approach the tabernacle, all of the Levites will die. If any Levite helps himself to any gifts or sacrifices--which are someone different than offerings--then he will die. And as long as the Levites follow all of these rules exactly God will never again punish the Israelites. No pressure, Levites. But given the Israelites' track record on keeping God's commandments I'd start preparing now for some major punishments.

The Lord then tells Aaron and Moses to procure for the Aaron's son, the priest Eleazar, a red heifer without blemish, one that has never been under a yoke. Eleazor should kill the cow and sprinkle its blood seven times before the tabernacle. Someone else must then burn the carcass in Eleazar's sight. Both men have to wash their clothes and bathe; they are still considered unclean until the evening. My suggestion would be to kill the cow close to dinner so they'll only be unclean for a little while.

The cow's ashes are to be swept up, mixed with water, and used to purify anyone who comes into contact with a dead body. Oddly, the person who sprinkles the ashy water onto the unclean person is now himself considered unclean. You can see how this kind of thing can go on forever in a recursive loop, where the person purifying the unclean person needs to be cleansed by someone who will them be considered unclean, and on and on and on. That basically guarantees that one person will always be unclean, just like in the NBA.