Numbers 31

Looks like God is still quite upset about the Israelite men who worshiped Baal-Poor, so upset in fact that He instructs Moses to raise an army 12,000 strong to fight the Midianites, even though it was the Moabite women who used the promise of sex to lure the Israelites into worshiping Baal-Peor. My guess is that the Midianites live on some oil-rich land and God can't wait a few hundred centuries for the Catholic Church to be founded so he can get some serious scratch.

The 12,000 kill all of the Midian men. Among the dead is Balaam, the guy who did everything God told him to do and also rode a talking donkey. (Come to think of it, if I were God I'd sue the producers of Shrek. They totally ripped off His bit.) They burn the towns, capture all the women and children--I don't like where this one is headed--and plunder all the animals and goods. The army brings the spoils to Moses.

Moses--and this is truly incredible--wonders why they let the women live. "These caused the children of Israel...to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of (Baal)-Peor," he reminds them. As reprehensible as that is, it gets worse. Moses commands the army to kill all of the boys and all the women who have slept with a man, but "all the women children that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Women children! Children!

All right, let's just back this car up. This is Moses, the prophet of the Lord, one of the most revered men in the Old Testament, the great emancipator, and he just gave away young virgins as spoils of war to men who will use them as sex slaves. C’mon people, next time perform a more thorough background check on you heroes, all right?

A lot of fucked up shit has happened in this book so far, but this one is by far the most fucked up.

But before the victors can begin raping their spoils of war, they must be purified if they killed someone or touched a dead body. Hear that, all future rapists? You must get clean before the eyes of the Lord before you rape the little girls.

Moses now wants to divvy up his war winnings, which include animals, goods, and people, among the soldiers and community at large. The total numbers are astounding: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 virgin girls. Half go to the community, half to the soldiers. The soldiers, however, must give a portion as tribute to the God. That means they must give up 675 sheep, 72 cattle, 61 donkeys, and 32 little girls who, I assume, won’t be raped.

But what will happen to those 32 girls given as tribute to the Lord? Will they be slaughtered and burned like the animals will be? Will their charred remains be eaten like the animals will be? Or will they be thrown into a volcano to appease the mighty God? I don't read ahead--I like to keep my comments completely devoid of context--so I don't know if the fate of these 32 virgins will be mentioned again, but I do hope they're thrown in a volcano.