Deuteronomy 22

This has to be the most random chapter so far. So let's get to it!

If you find a lost ox or sheep, take it back to its owner, or at least put up "found" posters and feed the thing until its rightful owner comes to claim it. Same goes for any donkeys or cloaks you find. Well, feed the donkey but put the cloak in the lost and found. The important thing is that you don’t keep what clearly belongs to others.

Help fallen donkeys or oxen to their feet. Yeah, you heard me.

Neither should women wear men's clothing nor should men wear women's clothing. God detests it. Take that, Monty Python.

Feel free to take chicks or eggs out of bird nests but don't take the mother. After all, she may create more eggs for you to steal later.

To guard against anyone falling off your roof, build a parapet around its perimeter. Or maybe don't let people onto your roof. Just an idea.

Plant only one kind of seed in your vineyard. Maybe you can divide the vineyard in two. That seems like an easy fix.

Do not yoke a donkey and an ox together. They hate that.

Do not make one garment out of wool and linen. It's a bitch to iron.

Make sure tassels hang from the four corners of your cloak. But first you need a cloak, preferably one not made out of wool and linen.

If a man marries a woman and expresses doubt, upon consummation, that she was a virgin, her parents must offer up proof of her virginity. What that would be I'm not entirely sure. An affidavit from her ObGyn? A notarized letter from prior boyfriends stating that she never gave it up? If her virginity is proven then her husband will be fined 100 shekels, to be delivered to the girl's father. As further punishment the man can never divorce her. No word on who that punishes, though.

If no proof of the girl's virginity is offered then the girl should be stoned to death. Likewise, adulterous couples should be stoned to death.

A man who rapes a woman who is engaged to be married should be put to death. If the girl is single, he owes her 50 and must marry her. Because if there’s anything we can all agree on it’s that forcing a woman to marry the man who raped her is the very definition of justice.

You can't marry your father's wife, which, I assume, means his wife who is not your mother. There are some things that don't need to be said.