Numbers 27

This is the moment we've all been waiting for. After months of reading, writing, and whatever the hell else I've been doing, we finally unearthed the golden nugget, the most important thing that has yet to happen to our unlucky band of desert dwellers. Of course I'm talking about inheritance law! Fuck yeah! Let’s get down to it!

Five women--Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milkah and Tirzah. Happy now?--have a teeny tiny little barely-there problem with the last chapter. In the loooooong list of names representing clans that received a portion of land it seems that Moses left out their father, Zelophehad. My first thought was that it's because his name starts with a "Z" and was accidentally dropped from the list. A simple proofreading error. But no. It was because Zelophehad had no sons to pass an inheritance down to. His daughters think that's an oversight. After all, they had to put up with the guy all these years. They deserve something for that, right?

Moses brings the case before God. In what must be considered a victory for women everywhere, God agrees with the daughters. They deserve a piece of the pie. God even wants Moses to bore everyone by elucidating the laws of inheritance.

Because I want to be like God, I’ll bore you too:

If a man dies but has no son, his inheritance goes to his daughters. (See above.)

No daughters? Then all his crap goes to his brothers.

No brothers? Then it goes not to his father, but his uncles. Seems odd, but who am I to question God?

No uncles? At this point just give it away to whomever. Third cousin once removed? Your aunt’s boyfriend? That guy who always comes to Thanksgiving but no one really knows who he is? Doesn't really matter. Let’s just wrap the whole thing up.

After God gets that important piece of business out of the way, he drops a bomb on Moses: because of the whole incident where Moses didn't follow exactly the directions for getting water from a stone he's being relieved from his duties as head of the Israelites. Nice way to bury the lead, Bible.

And who's the best man to lead the million plus complainers on the final leg of their journey? Joshua. You might remember him from such films as Climbed Halfway up Mt. Sinai When Moses Received the 10 Commandments, Leading the Israelite Army Against Amalek, and I Was One of the 12 Guys Who Spied on Canaan and May or May Not Have Been One of Those Who Lied About What We Saw to Avoid War. He's got credentials.

Moses lays his hands on Joshua and the deal is done. "Now they're your problem, sucker," Moses says. Then he laughs. Oh, how he laughs!