Exodus 18, 19

Jethro, Moses' toothless father-in-law, hears tale of all the cool shit that God has done for the Israelites and wants in on the awesome adventure of following pillars of smoke through the desert and eating sandy bread disks and conjured-up birds. He drags with him Moses' wife and two sons, and they meet Moses at his swank desert tent.

Moses is able to sum up the Israelites plight in a single paragraph--note to Bible publishers: follow Moses' lead in following editions--and Jethro, astounded by the retelling says something interesting: "Now I know that the LORD is greater than all gods."

I've talked of this before, but this quote admits the existence of many different gods, a plurality of deities of whom the big G is just the best. Kind of like Zeus. Or Jupiter. Or L. Ron Hubbard. But back to the story.

Moses, Jethro, and some of the other top Israelites make a sacrifice to God and enjoy some manna. The following day, Moses gathers everyone before him and spends the entire day arbitrating his people's disputes and lecturing them on the finer points and proper application of God's law, whatever that may be because the commandments don't make an appearance until the next chapter. Jethro, watching Moses from the sidelines as Moses dispenses justice, thinks Moses is working too hard and tries to convince him to create an enormous bureaucracy to hear complaints.

"[T]hou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, and shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do. Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens: And let them judge the people at all seasons: and it shall be, that every great matter they shall bring unto thee, but every small matter they shall judge: so shall it be easier for thyself, and they shall bear the burden with thee. That way you can take up a hobby or something, or focus on getting the hell out of the desert."

Moses thinks this is a great idea and ropes his followers into doing his work for him. Now with lots of time to spend with his family, Moses promptly sends his father-in-law away. That guy is such a drag!

After three months in the desert, the Israelites arrive at Sinai and make camp at the base of a mountain. God calls to Moses from the mountain to remind him of all the awesome stuff He's done for the Israelites, like delivering them from bondage into a terrible desert wasteland and...well, I guess that just about sums it up. God says that if the Israelites heed His words they will be to Him a wonderful treasure that He will protect for all time and never let anything bad happen to ever again. Then God giggles into his hand. "I'm totally not bullshitting you," God snorts.

The people think heeding the word of God without knowing the specifics of what they are promising to do is a great idea. Remember, lawyers had yet to be invented, so no one knew what a terrible deal this was.

God is pleased with His people's response and tells Moses that He will appear to the Israelites as a thick cloud and speak loud enough for all the people to hear Him so as to allay any doubts about His existence. Not that anyone doubts, mind you. Everyone is completely on board with the whole God thing.

"Oh, a few more items," God says. "Go unto the people, and sanctify them to day and to morrow, and let them wash their clothes, and be ready against the third day: for the third day the LORD will come down in the sight of all the people upon mount Sinai. And tell them not to touch the mountain. Very important. Don't touch the mountain. Got that? Touch the mountain and you'll be stoned to death. Animals too. Don't let any animals touch the mountian either. Got it? And one more thing: tell the Israelites not to touch their wives either. You know, you might as well tell them to keep their hands in the their pockets for a few days. Well, considering the no-sex thing, it would be better if they kept their hands at their sides."

Three days later the Lord descends upon the mount in a massive pillar of smoke and flame. The mountain looks like it's on fire, and all the crackling flames make it difficult for anyone to make out any real words, but somehow Moses has no trouble hearing an invite from God to come up the mountain for a little chitchat. When Moses gets to the top of the mountain, God tells him to go back down and bring all the Israelites up the mountain to see Him.

"The people cannot come up to mount Sinai," Moses says. "Thou chargedst us, saying, 'Set bounds about the mount, and sanctify it.'"

"I don't remember that," God says.

"You don't remember the part about stoning whomever touches the mountain?"

"Tell you what. Just bring up Aaron, OK?"

Instead Moses heads back down the mountain and and God delivers--spoiler alert--the Ten Commandments.

Next up: The Ten Commandments! And a whole boat load of laws that conservative Christians never ever follow!

Exodus 16 and 17

Two months later, Mo & Co. enter the foreshadowly named town of Sin. Moses should have known something bad was going to happen from the town's welcome sign motto:

Sin: One Square Mile of People Bitchin' About the Dry Accommodations!

Not one to ignore a sign, the children of Israel finally realize that maybe, just maybe, Moses and Aaron are full of shit. They murmur among themselves about what a terrible decision it was to trade a life slavery for a life of starving to death in a desert.

"Would to God we had died by the hand of the LORD in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the flesh pots, and when we did eat bread to the full," the children say, "for ye have brought us forth into this wilderness, to kill this whole assembly with hunger. Plus, cell phone reception out here is terrible."

God tells Moses that as a special favor to his chosen people he will make it rain bread. Every day there will enough bread for each person to eat his fill, except on the sixth day, when there will be twice as much the usual bread per person. Moses convinces Aaron to tell the flock about the free sand-covered bread, and Aaron can't resist sweetening the deal: in addition to morning bread, God will also provide evening meat in the form of quails. God, for once not wanting to look like the bad cop, agrees to the quail upgrade.

"And our Lord and God also shall provide free beer!" Aaron says. "And all the hot wings you can eat!"

"Tell ye brother not to push his luck," God tells Moses to tell Aaron.

In a purely socialist way, every Israelite "gathered every man according to his eating," and none was left wanting. Moses warns them not to stockpile the bread--an excusable instinct from people wasting away in a desert--but some don't listen. They find the next morning that the manna had bred worms overnight and now stinks. Starving, they eat the worms.

The sixth day brings double rations. Realizing that people may be wary of leftovers after the worms and stink, Moses reminds them that because the next day is the Sabbath and no one is allowed to perform any work, there will be no manna to gather. Repeat: there will be no manna to gather tomorrow!

Naturally, some Israelites gorged on manna the day before and wake up early Saturday morning with no breakfast. So, against God' explicit instructions, they head out in search of manna that is not there. God, you can imagine, is peeved.

"How long refuse ye to keep my commandments and my laws? See, for that the LORD hath given you the sabbath, therefore he giveth you on the sixth day the bread of two days; abide ye every man in his place, let no man go out of his place on the seventh day," He says to Moses. Which is why to this day no one does anything on the sabbath but stay inside their homes and read the Bible, as God hath commanded.

The Israelites existed on manna for 40 years, until they came to the land of Canaan. Remember that the next time you complain about your mom giving you the same lunch every day for school.

The children of Israel move from Sin to Rephidem, where murmurs about the quality of their leadership begin anew: "Wherefore is this that thou hast brought us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our cattle with thirst?"

Wait a minute. What are the cattle eating? And why don't the Israelites drink cow milk? And why haven't they eaten the cattle yet if they were so hungry?

God of course has a plan to get His Chosen People, the people he loves and adores, the ones he rescued from slavery, to shut up about food and water and just get the hell off his back already: "Behold, I will stand before thee there upon the rock in Horeb; and thou shalt smite the rock, and there shall come water out of it, that the people may drink. Happy now, you whiny mob?" Breaking with tradition, Moses takes three witnesses with him to perform this miracle and everyone gets a drink of rock water.

Out of nowhere, Amalek, Esau's grandson, attacks the Israelites. Moses tasks Joshua with raising an army and fighting Amalek's clan. For his part, Moses watches the battle from the top of a hill with the rod of God in his hand. Moses tries to get everyone to do the wave and notices that whenever he raises his hands, Israel gains the upper hand in the battle, and when he lowers his hands, Amalek's band prevails. But crybaby Moses finds that it's really, really difficult to hold his arms in the air all day just to ensure his fellow country don't die, so Aaron and a guy named Hur hold up his arms until Israel wins!

God rewards the victory by promising a war with Amalek every generation. Moses wonders if maybe an Edible Arrangement might have been more appropriate.