Numbers 28, 29, 30

There is only one God.

And He's a foodie.

I feel that God has gone over His menu preferences a half dozen times already, but since it seems that no one pays attention to the details He's going to go over everything one more time, with feeling. This time He breaks it down into daily, weekly, and monthly offerings; Passover crudite; and noshables for the Festival of Weeks. He details what to serve at the Festival of Trumpets (I read that Deadmou5 is playing the festival this year), the Day of Atonement (which allows you to do terrible things 364 days a year as long as you’re really, really sorry on that one day), and the Festival of Tabernacles (which includes instructions on gilding your own shittim wood).

Do I really need to go over this again? God digs aroma and everything is burnt rams and bulls without blemish, the finest flour mixed with the oiliest oil, first fruits, and Manischewitz. You’ve heard it before and you’ll probably hear it again. Next time I think I’ll just skip it. Unless there’s a human sacrifice. That would be pretty sweet.

God joins the Clean Plate Club and moves on to the importance of keeping vows. I think that God could learn a little something from his own advice.

The Lord commands that no man should break his word. I like that one. Straight to the point.

And remember what I said last time about God striking a blow for feminism by allowing daughters to inherit their father's land? Well, I take it back. Here God puts women firmly under the boots of their fathers or husbands. It's like this, ladies: If you’re living at home and make a promise and your father hears of the vow and says nothing, the vow stands; but if your father objects then the vow is nullified. If you’re married, your husband has veto power over your promises.

If her husband hears of the vow but waits a while before objecting, tough shit. The vow stands and the husband must bear the brunt of his wife's poor decision, because really, any decision a woman makes on her own behalf will necessarily have a negative outcome.

So girls, before you promise to give your boyfriend a handy you better see what your dad says first. I'm sure it'll be fine.

What this means of course is that while men can’t break their own promises they can break someone else’s. I’m sure that makes sense to someone.

And widowed or divorced women can promise any old fool thing to anyone. Nobody cares about them because without a man in their lives, they are essentially worthless.