Exodus 15

Thankful for the preceding needless death and destruction, Moses and Co. sing a song unto the Lord, a song so long, pointless, repetitive, and tuneless it could have been written by Phil Lesh, Dickie Betts, and Trey Anastasio between sets at the H.O.A.R.D.E Festival. Get out your lighters, don't eat the brown acid, and be ready to follow Mo and Co. for the next 40 years, as An Atheist Reads the Bible presents the Worst Song Ever Written!

"The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him.

"The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

"Pharaoh's chariots and his host hath he cast into the sea: his chosen captains also are drowned in the Red sea.

"The depths have covered them: they sank into the bottom as a stone.

"Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.

"And in the greatness of thine excellency thou hast overthrown them that rose up against thee: thou sentest forth thy wrath, which consumed them as stubble.

"And with the blast of thy nostrils the waters were gathered together, the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths were congealed in the heart of the sea.

"The enemy said, I will pursue, I will overtake, I will divide the spoil; my lust shall be satisfied upon them; I will draw my sword, my hand shall destroy them.

"Thou didst blow with thy wind, the sea covered them: they sank as lead in the mighty waters.

"Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods? who is like thee, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?

"Thou stretchedst out thy right hand, the earth swallowed them.

"Thou in thy mercy hast led forth the people which thou hast redeemed: thou hast guided them in thy strength unto thy holy habitation.

"The people shall hear, and be afraid: sorrow shall take hold on the inhabitants of Palestina.

"Then the dukes of Edom shall be amazed; the mighty men of Moab, trembling shall take hold upon them; all the inhabitants of Canaan shall melt away.

"Fear and dread shall fall upon them; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O LORD, till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

"Thou shalt bring them in, and plant them in the mountain of thine inheritance, in the place, O LORD, which thou hast made for thee to dwell in, in the Sanctuary, O LORD, which thy hands have established.

"The LORD shall reign for ever and ever.

"For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them; but the children of Israel went on dry land in the midst of the sea."

Whoooo! You rock, Moses! Now comes the bass solo!

My 7 year old made up a better song today about her imaginary friend Minyo Girl, the talking mouse who climbs on the roof and dances.

You may not have caught it, what with the song being so shitty and all, but somewhere in there, lying like a turd, is this gem: "Who is like unto thee, O LORD, among the gods?" The gods? Seems to me Moses is admitting that there are other gods other than the Lord, and that the Lord is just the bestest one of them all. It's something that comes up again when Moses is given the 10 Commandments. We'll discuss in depth then.

Burned out, the Israelites walk for 3 days without finding water. Finally, they hit Marah. There they find the water supply bitter, probably because it had paid to listen to that goddamned song and it just found it for free on bit torrent. Dammit!

The Lord shows Moses a special tree whose branches can turn the bitter water sweet. Mo cuts a branch from the Brita tree and makes potable water for everyone at a fraction of the cost of Evian.

Good going Moses! Only 39 years and 50 weeks to go and you're home free!

Exodus 13, 14

The first thing God does after securing the Israelites' freedom on the back of dead Egyptians is reiterate his hatred of good bread. He then swears that he will lead his chosen people to a land "flowing with milk and honey," which sounds unsanitary, smelly, and soggy. Know what would be better than a land flowing with milk and honey? One flowing with hot and cold running babes. I might follow some nutjob in the desert for 40 years if I thought they'd be a chance of getting some tail at the end of it all. Milk and honey? I can get those at the A&P. Tail? That'd take a real miracle.

On his way out of Egypt, Moses exhumes the bones of Joseph, he of the many-colored coat and former right-hand man to a pharaoh, to carry with him to the Soggy Land. That's all Joseph needs: one last indignity at the hands of a relative. Can't Moses let the guy rest in peace? Moses immediately sells Joseph's body to some passing traders, just to make the old guy feel at home.

To help the Israelites along, the Lord leads the way by taking the form of a pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night. Moses is grateful for the assistance, but the burning pillar keeps him up at night, and he asks God if He could change Himself into a Hello Kitty night light instead. God is not amused.

Even though God secured the Israelites freedom in a drawn-out battle of plagues and heart-hardening, He isn't done punishing the Egyptians yet. Just for kicks, He hardens the pharaoh's heart one last time. As pharaoh steps over the fallen bodies of his countrymen, shakes locust husks from his hair, finishes up the last of the frog leg soup, and downs a glass of river blood, he addresses what's left of his nation: "Why have we done this, that we have let Israel go from serving us?"

"Because their God destroyed everything we hold dear?" someone shouts.

"Exactly," pharaoh says. "And we should certainly be thankful that we have anything at all left. But I've got a feeling our luck's about the change. Let's go get 'em!"

Pharaoh somehow locates 600 men willing to follow the obviously bat shit crazy fucker whose apparent obstinance cost them so much, and they set out in chariots to bring the Israelites back to captivity. They quickly overtake the Israelites, who are "sore afraid" of the angry horde, "sore afraid" being a biblical euphemism for "shitting bricks." They turn to Moses and do what they do a lot of in the next few books: utterly renounce him and all that he stands for and bitching about his leadership.

"Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness?" some smart aleck asks.

I have to say that this is the funniest thing I've read so far, and yes, I'm counting the story of Noah. It's really a great joke, and kudos to the quick wit who came up with it when faced with an advancing army of 600 pissed Egyptians. Of course, no one's laughing, but as the blog attests, just because no one's laughing doesn't mean it isn't funny.

"Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt?" the wit continues. "Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness."

Moses calms everyone down. After all, the voice in his head has a plan! Moses raises his rod over the Red Sea and a strong wind parts the water, revealing a somewhat squishy path for a quick if messy escape. "Yeah, whatever," the wit says. "You still suck, Moses."

The Egyptians follow the Israelites into the path, and are halfway through when Moses reaches the far bank and raises his rod again, causing the water to crash down on the 600 men and their horses and chariots. Everyone dies. Except maybe the pharaoh. The Bible is mum on exactly who was killed, but suffice it to say that a lot of people were killed. And that's just how the Bible likes it.

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Hi. It's me again, the guy writing this. Every once in a while I pop in to interject some uninformed textual criticism. The last time I did this was during the story of Onan when I discussed the ridiculous rationale against masturbation. This time I'd like to discuss Egyptian record-keeping.

I find the Exodus story difficult to believe, and not for the usual the-Bible-is-made-up reason, although that's a good one. What's odd is that the terrible plagues, the death of the firstborn in every family, and the drowning of 600 men a short time after the death of the firstborn went unmentioned by the Egyptians. Even if the Egyptians didn't want to record these humiliating events, surely word would have spread and someone would have written them down in some form. One could argue that they were written down--by Moses. I wouldn't, though, because that would call into question this entire endeavor, and I'm kind of married to this blogging thing.

But these are huge events that decimated a nation. Surely they did not go unnoticed. Comments by anyone with an informed answer would be greatly appreciated.

So what's up next for Moses & Company? A really long song and complicated directions on how to make a table.

And don't steal Moses & Company as the name of your hipster clothing line. I've got dibs on it.

Exodus 12

This chapter is overlong. Why? Because in it God readies the Israelites to commemorate the senseless slaughter of thousands of people, and you know how a big party takes lots of planning.

First, God settles on the main course: lamb. "Every man a lamb," God tells Moses, "according to the house of their fathers, a lamb for an [sic] house. And a car in every garage. Don't worry, it'll make sense thousands of years from now and will prove that I can tell the future. And here's a tip: don't buy stock in Enron."

But because God is all about details, any old lamb won't cut it. No, it has to be a male no older than 1 year, and without blemish. When such a lamb is found it must be kept for 14 days, then every person in the congregation must gather to kill it. Presumably, this rule applies to every house and every lamb, so you can see the logistical problem of trying to make dinner on time if you spend the whole day attending slaughters, especially if you're planning to make charoses, to. A bit of blood should be collected and splashed on both side posts of the front door. This will come in handy later, so the Moses is advised not to overlook telling the Israelites.

The lamb, God instructs, should be roasted with some bitter herbs over a fire that night and eaten with unleavened bread. If anything is left of the lamb the following morning it must be burned. Know what that means?

No leftovers. Just think how poorly the Jews would the Jews would have been treated if they founded Thanksgiving.

But God, the obsessive-compulsive foodie that he is, has a few more regulations. While eating, the Israelites must bind their genitals with a belt, wear shoes (and a shirt as well, or there will be no service), and carry a staff, and they must eat quickly. Why? "For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast," God explains. "And against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD. Plus I love competitive eating contests."

Coming death is as good a reason as any to eat quickly. While it doesn't explain the genital binding--really, what does?--it does explain the bloody door posts. The blood will be the signal for the angel if death to pass over the house and spare the first born residing within. Too bad the Egyptians hadn't caught on to that little trick. It could have saved them some grief.

Then God starts talking about bread. Seems that God hates yeast. I mean he really, really hates it. So much so that he forces His people to eat flat, cardboard-like bread for a whole week and punishes those who dare eat some Wonder: "Whosoever eateth that which is leavened, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger, or born in the land."

No word if the ban extends to tortilla wraps.

Moses, baffled but not given to doubting the voices in his head, relates all this crazy bullshit to his people. As always, they swallow the whole pill: kill the lambs, splash the blood, eat shitty bread. And as the Israelites eat it up, death comes to the Egyptians. The last plague: death of the firstborn.

When I was young, I always assumed that this plague applied only to children. Perhaps it was because as a child I assumed the worst about authority, and killing the firstborn child in the family seemed like something God would do just out of spite. (Turns out I was right.) But, it's not just the firstborn children who die, it's every firstborn in every family, regardless of age; the animals too. No family was spared death. If your grandpa was the first born in his family, he died. If your mom was the first born in her family, she died. If your dog was the firstborn of its litter, it died. Not a single family was untouched, because no matter how old you were, if you were a firstborn, you died.

I believe is philosophical terms, this is called "fucked up." And it happened only because God hardened pharaoh's heart. Remember that the pharaoh wanted to let the Israelites go when Aaron performed his first magic trick. But no, God wasn't satisfied. He wanted to punish the Egyptians, teach them a lesson. Well, it seems that most of the world learned the lesson, and the Jews to this day are paying for it.

Totally freaked out (and obviously not the firstborn in his family), pharaoh kicks the Israelites out in such a hurry that they barely have the time to borrow the jewelry God commanded them to a couple of chapters ago, and the bread they made doesn't have a chance to rise. Which begs the question: is matza part of Passover because God hates yeast or because the Jews were kicked out of Egypt so quickly it didn't have time to rise?

The answer? Who cares! Tons of people of are dead! Let's focus, people!

As Moses and his crew flee, God gives them a summation of his food laws:

"This is the ordinance of the Passover: There shall no stranger eat thereof: But every man's servant that is bought for money, when thou hast circumcised him, then shall he eat thereof. A foreigner and an [sic] hired servant shall not eat thereof. In one house shall it be eaten; thou shalt not carry forth ought of the flesh abroad out of the house; neither shall ye break a bone thereof. All the congregation of Israel shall keep it. And when a stranger shall sojourn with thee, and will keep the Passover to the LORD, let all his males be circumcised, and then let him come near and keep it; and he shall be as one that is born in the land: for no uncircumcised person shall eat thereof. One law shall be to him that is homeborn, and unto the stranger that sojourneth among you."

Remind me never to attend a seder, just to be safe.

Exodus 8, 9, 10, 11

It's been a couple of weeks since I've updated. But the Bible waits for no man, especially not me. So let's get on with the plagues!

When we last left Moses and his mouthpiece brother Aaron, Aaron had just turned all the water in Egypt to blood and the pharaoh had sulked home to enjoy a nice warm glass of O negative. The menstruating river lasted for 7 days and didn't convince the pharaoh that he should let the Israelites go free. Why? Because hardened his heart. It's important to note that God is fueling the plagues by making the pharaoh stubborn and heartless. The pharaoh is such a pussy he wanted to give in to Moses and Aaron's demands when the latter turned his rod into a snake. This blood shit must be making him crazy.

So the bloody river didn't work, so he Lord tells Moses to tell Aaron to stretch out his hand over the river so that a bazillion frogs may leap from every body of water, no matter how small, and overrun the land. Frogs. That's the best the Lord can do? He's going to overrun the land with a high-priced delicacy? I expect some ingenuity from God, not appetizers.

Aaron does as God commanded Moses to tell him what to do, and a shitload of frogs overtake the Egyptians. There are frogs everywhere: in every house, in every bed, in every oven, on every person. And they pee everywhere. It's just gross.

The Pharaoh, in an attempt to reproduce his success of imitating Aaron's stick-into-snake trick, commands his magicians to duplicate this latest disaster. The plan backfires on the pharaoh; the magicians succeed and the land is overrun with even more frogs. How anyone can tell which are the God-sent frogs and which were conjured up by the magicians is anyone's guess.

The idea of a million frogs hopping around and croaking exuberantly sounds cute at first, but pharaoh quickly realizes that its a drag scraping frog guts from your sandals all day long. To make the plague stop, he tells Moses that his people can go to worship the Lord if the frogs would only disappear. Moses agrees, the frogs all die and create a giant stink of rotting frog corpses, and the pharaoh predictably reneges on the deal--but only because God hardens his heart. Have I mentioned that before?

To punish pharaoh for possessing a heart so easily hardened by an all-powerful deity, God tells Moses to tell Aaron to strike the dust with his rod to turn every tiny mote into lice. Aaron obeys, and what is commonly referred to as the Itchy Plague begins.

Pharaoh calls his magicians together to duplicate the lice trick--why, I'm not sure. As with the frogs, it seems the prudent thing to do would be to have the magicians make the lice disappear, not try to make more. Thankfully, the magicians fail. "This is the finger of God," the magicians say. "One guess as to which finger."

God hardens pharaoh's heart. The next plague? Flies. Swarms and swarms of flies. As annoying as the flies are, what really annoys pharaoh is that his tall hat keeps getting caught on the fly paper dangling from the ceiling.

Pharaoh again tells Moses he'll let the Israelites go if the plague stops. Agreed, says Moses. The flies leave, God hardens pharaoh's heart, and bang! It starts all over again, this time with a grievous murrain. What's a murrain, you ask? According to dictionary.com it's "any of various diseases of cattle, as anthrax, foot-and-mouth disease, and Texas fever." I'm guessing the last one isn't included in the biblical definition.

All the horses asses, camels, sheep, oxen, and cattle not owned by Israelites die. But pharaoh doesn't care, for God has hardened his heart.

Then come the boils that burst with blains--defined as most likely black leprosy, but the word is only used in connection with the sixth plaque. Bursting boils. That's gotta smart. But pharaoh doesn't care, for God has hardened his heart.

Then comes the hail, with a little bit of fire mixed in just to scare the shit out of everyone. The hail-fire destroy everything, including pharaoh's resolve. "I have sinned this time: the LORD is righteous, and I and my people are wicked," Pharaoh says to Moses and Aaron. "Intreat the Lord (for it is enough) that there be no more mighty thunderings and hail; and I will let you go, and ye shall stay no longer."

Moses doesn't believe him, so the hail continues until the mature barley was destroyed, which seems arbitrary to me. The tender, young barely is spared, which is absolutely hilarious considering the aim of the tenth plague.

As soon as the hail stops, God hardens pharaoh's heart again. Which leads us to the next plague: locusts. Here's how God describes the coming locust storm to Moses:

"And they shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth: and they shall eat the residue of that which is escaped, which remaineth unto you from the hail, and shall eat every tree which groweth for you out of the field. And they shall fill thy houses, and the houses of all thy servants, and the houses of all the Egyptians; which neither thy fathers, nor thy fathers' fathers have seen, since the day that they were upon the earth unto this day."

The next day, cans of Raid were selling for $1000 on ebay.

But before the locusts come, pharaoh bargains with Moses and Aaron. He will allow all the men to leave to serve the Lord, but not the women and children. No way, Moses and Aaron say. The next morning, an east wind brings the locusts.

The swarm is so large it blots out the sun, and so ravenous that it devours every tiny leaf or herb in all of Egypt. The stoners are quite upset.

"Uncle!" cries the pharaoh. "I will let your people go!" And just like that, a west wind sweeps the locusts away.

But God's not through having fun yet, for he hardens pharaoh's heart again. That brings on the next plague: darkness that can be felt. So I'm guessing that God just wraps everyone in wool blankets.

After 3 days, tired of barking his shins on the living room coffee table, Pharaoh tells Moses and Aaron to leave already. "Go ye, serve the LORD," he says. "Only let your flocks and your herds be stayed: let your little ones also go with you."

Moses pleads that he must present burnt offerings to the Lord, so the livestock must accompany them. No way, says pharaoh because--wait for it--God has hardened his heart.

Oh no he didn't! Yes he did!

God--once again pissed that pharaoh allows himself to be manipulated--calls for one more plague, a terrible, terrible plague. But before he announces it, God instructs Moses and Aaron to have every man and woman borrow from their neighbors jewels of silver and gold. Considering that their only neighbors are the Egyptians, I'm guessing that the Israelites are going to come up a little short.

Then God drops the bomb: the last plague will be death to the firstborn in every family. And how does God know it will be the last?

Because he will finally allow pharaoh to do what he wanted to when he first saw the rod turn to a snake: let the Israelites go.

Exodus 5, 6, 7

Moses and Aaron, confident that their Godly words and C-grade magic tricks will win their people's freedom, go before the pharaoh and ask permission for the Israelites to hold a 3-day feast in God's honor in the wilderness. A 3-day feast? Did Moses and Aaron lose their stones? They were supposed to demand the Israelites' freedom from bondage and instead ask for a long weekend. Laaame!

God isn't angry at this sudden change in negotiating tactics on Moses and Aaron's part. In fact, this is all part of God's plan. Before popping the big demand, God wans to annoy the hell out of the pharaoh angry, and the 3-day-pass request does the trick. The pharaoh is so angry that he not only denies the Israelites shore leave he also refuses to supply them with straw. Without straw, they cannot make their daily quota of bricks for the kingdom. When they fail to make the bricks, the pharaoh has them beaten. Suddenly the Israelites regret listening to the man who claimed to speak to God alone on a mountain top while eating peyote buttons.

The Israelites meet up with Moses and Aaron and bitterly complain. "The LORD look upon you, and judge; because ye have made our savour to be abhorred in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of his servants, to put a sword in their hand to slay us," they say. "And you have cooties, too."

Annoyed, Moses confers with the Lord again. "Lord, wherefore hast thou so evil entreated this people?" Moses asks. "Why is it that thou hast sent me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all. And now everyone thinks I have cooties!"

God spouts a bunch of mumbo jumbo about covenants and lineages and how powerful his is blah blah blah, and goes on and on like that for a whole chapter. Moses, who has the worst self-esteem of any biblical character thus far, wonders why pharaoh would even listen to him because he's dumb and stupid and of uncircumcised lips (it really says that, and no, I don't know what it means). He storms away and blasts My Chem and writes in his journal how much he hates his stupid God because his stupid lips are uncircumcised. Stupid lips!

God tells the petulant Moses and his silent-partner brother Aaron that he has made Moses "a god to Pharaoh." That explains why pharaoh isn't listening to him.

God has also made Aaron Moses' prophet, meaning that he gets to do all the hard work and actually accomplish things while Moses sits back, enjoys the praise when things go right, and gets blamed for nothing when they go wrong. Being God is kind of like being George W. Bush, only doesn't have an MBA and is smarter than a fifth grader.

God repeats his plan to harden pharaoh's heart no matter what happens to the Egyptians (did I mention how awful that is?) and sends Reluctant Moses and PR Flack Aaron to meet with pharaoh again and repeat the order to let the Israelites go. Once there, Aaron performs the Rod Into Snake Trick. Pharaoh summons all the magicians of Egypt to duplicate the trick, which, amazingly, they do. But Aaron's snake quickly devours all the other snakes. Take that, magic trick!

On the strength of that one Johnson Smith Company magic trick, pharoah is already willing to concede the fight. Can you believe it? He's already caving and there hasn't even been one plague! But God can't let anyone show compassion--not on his watch--and hardens the pharaoh's heart so he refuses to let the Israelites go. Have I mentioned what a dickey thing that is to do?

God tells Moses to have Aaron meet the Pharaoh by the river the next morning and strike the water with his rod. The river and its tributaries, and all the streams and ponds, and every pool of water, will instantly turn to blood. Every living thing in the waters will die, and all of Egypt will stink of blood.

The pair meet the pharaoh by the river, and Aaron strikes the river with his rod. Instantly the water turns to blood. The pharaoh is unimpressed and simply walks home, thanks to God's little Plaster of Paris for the Soul. The blood water lasts 7 days, and the Egyptians are mighty thirsty. It's a good thing they knew how to make beer or everyone would die of thirst.

Exodus 3, 4

A married and on-the-lam Moses settles into his new life by tending the sheep of his father-in-law Jethro and avoiding murder.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, his father-in-law's real name is Jethro. It's in the Bible. No tooth count is provided, though.

One day, as Moses tends his flock on a mountainside covered in Lophophora williamsii, a bush catches fire but remains whole, despite the roaring flames. Moses denies the vision. "I will now turn aside," Moses says, "and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt. For I am totally freaking out right now."

The flameless flame is really God, who, noticing that Moses is trying his best to ignore the nonburning burning bush, calls out from the heatless heat. "Marco!" God calls.

"Who said that?" Moses asks. "The Cheetos? Are the Cheetos talking again? I told you already, I didn't kill your brother, little Cheeto! He was already dead when I ate him!"

God hands Moses some oranges and puts on "Casey Jones." "I am the God of thy father," God says. "The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and a whole bunch of other people. The list goes on, like, forever, believe me."

Moses hides his face from God. Or at least tries to when his fingers turn to snakes and begin eating his feet. It's a good thing Moses doesn't have a mirror or the rest of the Bible might never have happened.

"I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows," God says from the still-there unburned burning bush. "And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey."

"OK," Moses says. "Have fun doing all that. With your great power it should be easy. You won't be needing my services, I suppose. Thanks for keeping me up to speed on your plans, though. I appreciate it. Now I just gotta climb into a cocoon and die. Stupid talking flaming bush."

Turns out that God says that he is going to free his people from bondage he means Moses is. Moses is skeptical. "Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?" he asks God.

"Certainly I will be with thee," God says.

"Really?" Moses asks.

"Oh, sure, if take 'with you' to mean a general sense of actually not being right there, then, yeah, totally," God says.

"And what do I get if I do this for you?" Moses asks.

"This shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain," God says.

"Serve you on Mount Hallucination?" Moses says. "You've got a deal!"

Moses is a practical--if a little trippy--man and wants to know what he should say to the Israelites to make them follow him.

"Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, the LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath sent me unto you: this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations," God says through the flames that aren't actually flaming. "Go, and gather the elders of Israel together, and say unto them, The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, appeared unto me, saying, I have surely visited you, and seen that which is done to you in Egypt: and I have said, I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt unto the land of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, unto a land flowing with milk and honey."

"So just promise them some crazy shit that they want to hear and tell them you said it," Moses says. "I can totally do that. Now let me get back to singing rocks. They're doing doo wop covers of Phish songs."

But Moses is kidding. He's still quite concerned that the Israelites won't believe him when he says he spoke to God. Gee, why would anyone doubt a man who said that he spoke to God while he was tending sheep alone atop a mountain? It's a perfectly plausible story.

So God shows Moses a few of magic tricks to impress the Catskills crowd. He instructs Moses to pick up his rod--his shepherd's staff, boyo; this act ain't blue--and cast it on the ground. The staff turns into a snake. God instructs Moses to pick the snake up by the tail; he does, and the snake becomes a rod again.

"If they do not believe you," God says, "put now thine hand into thy bosom." Moses does, and when he extracts it the hand is pure white. Moses repeats the move and the hand returns to normal.

"I am so high," Moses says.

"And it shall come to pass," God says, "if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land."

But Moses is still wary. Turns out he is not eloquent. "But I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue," Moses says.

"I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say," God says. I don't know. Sounds kind of kinky to me.

Moses still protests, so God compromises: Aaron, Moses' brother, can be the spokesperson. "And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth." God says. "And I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do." Now it's turned from kinky to freaky.

Moses packs up the wife and kids and moves back to Egypt on his date with destiny. As soon as the peyote wears off, that is.

But here's the unnerving thing: even though God has sent Moses to free the Israelites from bondage, the Big Guy has decided to harden the pharaoh's heart, regardless of what Moses does to the Egyptians. Do you understand the import of this? God is about to visit 10 plagues on the Egyptians--the last one of which murders the first born in every Egyptian family--and even when the pharaoh has had enough and decides to let the Israelites go, God stops him just to keep the plagues coming. Now that's just fucked up.

But before this travesty of a forgone conclusion can get going, Moses has to convince the Israelites of the plan. To do this, Moses convinces Aaron to tell the Israelites all the things God said and to perform God's little magic tricks God. Aaron does, and the Israelites totally buy into it.

"Now," Aaron says. "Who's interested in a lovely bridge in a town called Brooklyn?"

Exodus 1, 2

After Joseph's death, the Hebrews finally get around to heeding God's command to Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. The pharaoh has a big problem with this development, because, as history has taught us, nations dislike a lot of Hebrews, especially they have the temerity to grow into a mighty nation as the Israelites have.

It appears that the new Pharaoh has a selective memory and has conveniently forgotten about all the wonderful things Joseph did for his predecessor. This means that all the promises the previous pharaoh made to Jacob about keeping his family's land and cattle are null and void. Now, because of his betrayal, pharaoh fears that this fruitful and mighty nation will join with Egypt's enemies to overthrow him. He weighs his diplomatic options--should he open talks with the Israelites, promise them aid in exchange for their loyalty in a time of war, maybe just be nice to them--and decides instead to just enslave them because it's the most expedient. The Israelites are evidently not mighty enough to resist and become a nation forced into servitude.

Slavery, however, doesn't solve the pharaoh's problem. What he really wants to do is kill all the Hebrews, but the local chapter of Amnesty International enforces a strict "no genocide" policy. What's a maniac to do under these conditions? Farm out his dirty work to the poor: he instructs every woman who midwifes to an Israelite to kill all the boys they deliver. The girls the pharaoh lets live, not knowing that Jewishness is traced through the mother. It's a small oversight in an otherwise flawless plan.

What he didn't count on was the midwives' fear of God. As a result, they refuse to kill the boys. Pharaoh can't wrap his headdress around the concept. "Why have ye done this thing, and have saved the men children alive?" he asks them

"Because the Hebrew women are not as the Egyptian women," the midwives lie, "for they are lively, and are delivered ere the midwives come in unto them. And you know how stingy they are. Once they have their clutches on their own children it's hard to pry the little fuckers out."

Incensed, pharaoh hatches another plan to rid himself of the Jewish threat: he instructs everyone in the kingdom to throw newborn males into the river. How this indiscriminate drowning helps the Egyptians is a mystery. Presumably, just as many male Egyptian children as Israeli children will be killed; in geopolitical terms that's called a "draw."

However, a nameless couple have a boy and unbelievably opt not to throw him in the river; they instead hide him for 3 months. When the stench of the 90 days worth of diapers becomes too strong to hide any longer they realize they must get rid of their forbidden son. They place the boy in a small basket at the river's edge and have their daughter watch from some distance to see what will happen.

The pharaoh's daughter traipses by with her entourage and discovers the boy, whom she immediately recognizes as a Hebrew. I'm assuming it's because the boy is circumcised, but it might be the dreidel-shaped rattle or his hook nose and green blood. She decides to keep the boy, not realizing that her father will most likely drown the thing as soon as he sees it just do keep up appearances.

Sensing an opportunity, the boy's sister rushes to the pharaoh's daughter and asks if she should go and find a Hebrew to nurse the baby. The pharaoh's daughter agrees. And who does the sister get to nurse the baby? Her own mother, who, you may recall, is also the baby's mother. See how these things work out for the best when you believe in God? One minute you're leaving your baby in a wicker basket in a river and the next your acting as a wet nurse for the pharaoh's daughter. Does life get any better than that?

The boy grows up and is brought to the pharaoh's daughter, who raises him as her son now that all the hard work has been done by someone else. She calls him Moses because she secretly hates him.

As a young man, Moses witnesses an Egyptian kill a Hebrew. He feels a kinship with the smited man and in turn kills the Egyptian and hides the body in the sand. No word on what happen to the Hebrew corpse. Evidently a dead Hebrew lying in the street doesn't cause a scene.

Even though there were no witnesses to either slaying, the pharaoh hears of Moses' crime and puts a hit on him. Moses runs to Vegas, lays low a while, then moves to Midian. One day at a well, the 7 daughters of the high priest of Midian come to fill their troughs and are pushed aside by some greedy shepherds. Moses does nothing to prevent the assault but helps the girls up and then waters their flock. I'm assuming it's not a euphemism and Moses actually gave water to thirsty animals. With the Bible you never really know.

The girls tell their dad of Moses' near-chivalrous behavior and he rewards Moses by giving him one of the girls, Zipporah, for a wife. They have a son, whom they name Bic.

Soon after, the pharoah dies. The Israelites heave a collective sigh of relief, for they believe freedom is near. Not so fast, Israelites! Chapter 3 is coming right up!

Genesis: What Have We Learned? Absolutely Nothing

I have finally finished blogging about Genesis. All I can say is what a drag, man, what a drag.

Reading the Bible is like passing a kidney stone: a curiosity when someone else does it, outright painful when you do. Maybe it's just the King James Version translation, but the Bible is so poorly written it makes the Da Vinci Code seem like it was written by Da Vinci himself. It's boring, repetitive, and mendacious. It's excremental.

I can't appreciate the Bible as the great work of literature it supposedly is. Maybe some critics mistake its sheer length for artistic merit. If that's the case, I'd like to show them my 2 thousand-page novel, The Run-On Sentence. It's really, rally good. Believe me.

The writing is a mess. There are never any concrete details, people and places come and go in the space of 2 paragraphs without any reason given as to why they were even mentioned, and plot lines are dropped as soon as they are introduced, usually for something as equally baffling and uninteresting. The characters are unsympathetic. Everyone acts like a total prick, especially if land, cattle, or women are involved. The reprehensible behavior exhibited by every major character makes me ashamed to be a human. And these men are held in high esteem for acting this way! No wonder religion is so fucked up. Genesis just plain sucks.

Reading it, I marvel at the suspension of disbelief that goes into religious conviction. Far from being divinely inspired, Genesis reads like an urban legend your gullible aunt would email you. What's immediately apparent is that while events are often attributed to God, it's the people who do all the damage. God comes to the actors in a dream or some other hallucinogenic form and they just go crazy and start killing people--Genesis does occur before the Ten Commandments were written, so I guess they have an excuse--or trading their daughters to their first cousins for some goats. Except for Lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt, every event is easily and completely explained in rational ways. And truthfully, I'm sure there's a precedent for the salt thing.

So why am I still still reading the KJV? Because there's been a lot more incest than I expected, and I can only imagine what surprises the other books hold.

For those of you who are just joining this blog and don't want to read all the posts so far, allow me hit Genesis' high points.

God created everything in the universe, then toggles the reset switch, blows into the cartridge a few times, and starts the game all over again. He creates a garden for Adam and Eve and requests that they do not eat of its fruit. They do. Personally, I think God should have seen that one coming, being omnipotent and all.

A and E have a kid who's a real asshole, then God floods the world to punish the human race's inequity. Things eventually dry out and a new, classier form of inequity takes root.

Abraham comes on the scene. Old Abe does some funky shit, including, but not limited to, telling everyone his wife is his sister and marrying her off someone else--twice, if you can believe it. And he's the guy responsible for circumcision. That Abraham. He was the life of the party, as long as you could keep him away from your wife and your penis.

Lot offers to give his two daughters to a murderous mob so they won't attack two strangers pretending to be angels he allowed into his house. For some reason his wife is turned to salt and not him.

Jacob gets plenty of pussy. His sons conspire to kill their youngest brother, Joseph, but instead sell him into slavery. Joseph can interpret dreams, so he become indispensable to the superstitious retards who believe in God to begin with. Famine hits, Joe gets his revenge, and end scene.

Up next: Exodus, Bob Marley's favorite book of the Bible.

Genesis 48, 49, 50

And Then There Were 12

Jacob feels his kidneys failing, so he meets with Joseph to divulge the family recipe for Abraham's Caramel Oatmeal Cookie Surprise.

Jacob proceeds to bore the hell out of Joseph with the same old story about how God blessed him and his descendants and blah blah blah. Joseph listens patiently but wants to get down to business: having Jacob bless his two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh. I mean there's only so much the boys can achieve being the sons of the pharaoh's right-hand man with untold riches, limitless power, and scores of servants tripping over each other to satisfy thier every wish. They need Jacob's blessing.

The boys come before Jacob, who places his hands on their heads and pushes Ephraim toward his dick and Manasseh toward his balls. Joseph is incensed. "Not so, my father," Joseph says. "For Manasseh is the firstborn; he should be at the knob. Ephraim is the younger, and should be at the sack."

Jacob demurs. "I know it, my son, I know it," he says. "Manasseh also shall become a people, and he also shall be great: but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations. Right after my seed, that is"

Powerless to counter perfect logic, Joseph acquiesces.

Still dying, Jacob calls his remaining sons to him and tells them their fortunes, much in the manner of a daily syndicated horoscope in your local newspaper.

"Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might," Jacob says. "Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch." Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either, but it sounds rather sordid.

"Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations.

"Judah, thou art he whom thy brethren shall praise: thy hand shall be in the neck of thine enemies; thy father's children shall bow down before thee.

"Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon.

"Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens." That sounds a bit gay.

"Dan," Jacob continues, "shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse heels, so that his rider shall fall backward.

"Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last.

"Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties.

"Naphtali is a hind let loose: he giveth goodly words.

"Joseph is a fruitful bough, even a fruitful bough by a well; whose branches run over the wall.

"Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil."

Whew! That's the twelve tribes of Israel, folks. Great leaders one and all. It won't be long before a homeland is theirs and there is peace in the Middle East.

Jacob then wakes his sons and asks to be buried where Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, his wife Leah, and Jim Morrison are buried. (The Soft Parade is one of his favorite albums.)

Joseph cries and cries and cries on his father's corpse, and the pharaoh gives him permission to travel to Canaan to bury Jacob and meet with Oprah for a change to cry on national television. Joseph then invents the bagpipes to both give his father a good send-off and annoy the shit out of his brothers and anyone else within earshot.

After the funeral, the brothers realize that now that Jacob's gone, there is nothing stopping Joseph from killing them all as revenge for the crimes they committed against him. Hoping to avoid justice, they remind Joseph that he promised Jacob not to harm them.

"Fear not: for am I in the place of God?," Joseph asks. "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. And to eat the ass of my jailer just to survive. But I'm not bitter. Really."

Joseph keeps his promises, and when he's 110 years old he dies. His brothers immediately play 1-1-0 in the pick 3, hoping to make money off him one last time.

Genesis 46, 47

Before Jacob heads to the reunion with Joseph, God visits him in a dream. God is always doing that: visiting people in dreams. It's a wonder that God isn't described more often as being a unicorn.

"I am God," God says unnecessarily. "The God of thy father: fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation."

"I have a question, Lord," Jacob asks. "You know what's going to happen in the future, right?"

"I do," God says.

"Just checking. Because I skipped ahead in this book and believe me, it isn't pretty."

Jacob gathers all of his belongings and his descendants--66 in all--and makes his way to Egypt. His reunion with Joseph is tearful one. That Joseph is one weepy bitch, let me tell ya. As soon as Jacob enters the room, Joseph is weeping on his neck. I think he needs Zoloft.

"Now let me die, since I have seen thy face, because thou art yet alive," Jacob says. That Jacob is happy to die now that he finally has time to spend with his long-lost son speaks volumes about the strength of their relationship.

Joseph sets aside some land in Goshen for his father and brothers, but it comes with one odd stipulation: they must lie and tell pharaoh that they raise cattle and not sheep. "Every shepherd is an abomination unto the Egyptians," Joseph says. "It's the sheep fucking thing. Grosses the Egyptians out big time.

Yet when they meet with the pharaoh they readily admit to their evil sheep-fucking ways. Pharaoh is unconcerned and puts them in charge of his cattle as a favor to Joseph and so they won't be so abominable. They're still abominable though, being Jewish and all, but raising cattle will mean no one will spit on them as they walk by.

Pharaoh then violates one Miss Manners's rules and asks Jacob his age.

"The days of the years of my pilgrimage are an hundred and thirty years," Jacob says. "Few and evil have the days of the years of my life been, and have not attained unto the days of the years of the life of my fathers in the days of their pilgrimage."

Pharaoh is silent. Then says, "What?"

"I'm old," Jacob says. "I'm really, really old."

Famine continues to rage throughout the land. Due to some unwise investments in some Internet startups, all the money pharaoh has made selling corn to his own people is suddenly worthless. The people come to Joseph demanding bread, but they cannot pay for it because the stock market took such a nose dive. Joseph comes up the kind of seemingly fair and equitable deal only a bleeding-heart capitalist would think up: he will give bread to the people for a whole year if they give to him all their cattle, horses, birds, and horses.

"Why don't we just eat all these animals instead of trading them for some bread?" someone in the crowd pipes up.

"Shut up," someone else says. "He's an unelected government official with unlimited power. He must have our best interests at heart."

The year passes and the people approach Joseph again. Desperate for food and aware of the bad deal they struck last time, they decide to cut out the middleman and screws themselves over. "My lord also hath our herds of cattle," they say. "There is not ought left in the sight of my lord, but our bodies, and our lands. Buy us and our land for bread, and we and our land will be servants unto Pharaoh."

"Sold!" Joseph shouts.

Is anyone exempt from the mass sell out? Oh yeah. The priests. And Jacob and his family, out there in Goshen. Figures.

Adding insult to injury, Joseph makes the people sow the land that is no longer theirs and render unto pharaoh a fifth of the yield. Not that there's much yielding going on, what with the devastating famine and all, a detail that somehow escaped the author.

In a complete non sequitur, Jacob decides it's time to die. "If now I have found grace in thy sight," Jacob says, "put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me." And just like Abraham did to his servant, Jacob farts of Joseph's hand.

"And one more thing," Jacob gasps.

"Anything, father," Joseph says.

"Pull my finger."

Genesis 43, 44, 45

The Battle of God's Favor

The corn doesn't last long in a house with 11 growing boys, that's for sure. So Jacob, being old and forgetful, instructs his sons to buy some more food from that nice man in Egypt.

"The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, 'Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you,' " Judah reminds him.

"Oh shit, I forgot all about that," Jacob says. "By the way, where's Simeon?"Judah pleads with his dad to allow Benjamin to travel to Egypt, but Jacob adamantly refuses. Then his stomach growls and he relents.

"If it must be so now, do this," Jacob says. "Take of the best fruits in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds." Why Jacob's family has to buy food from the Egyptians when they have some perfectly edible food they are willing to just give away is not explained. Neither is why Jacob thinks food is a good bribe for someone with stockpiles of corn.

In addition to the food, Jacob sweetens the pot. "And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight. Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man. And see if you can't get some Cool Ranch Doritos this time. Those things rock."

Off the brothers go to see Joseph. When Joseph sees Benjamin, he is ecstatic and tells his servants to show the men to his home as they will be his guests for dinner. The brothers fear a trap, punishment for not paying for the corn the last time, but they are in no position to refuse the offer. But the boys confess to basically stealing the food as soon as they reach Joseph's door. "Don't worry," the steward of the house says. "Wait till you see the fucked up shit Joe's gonna pull on you soon. Stolen corn pales in comparison."

Wary, the men enter the house to see Simeon freed from prison. Simeon holds out a pack of Marlboros. "Smoke? I got them from the guard."

Joseph comes home and is so overcome with emotion at the sight of his younger brother Benjamin that he again sneaks away for a good cry. After changing his maxi pad and touching up his mascara, Joseph invites his brothers to sit. He can't stay, though, because it's an abomination for Egyptians to eat at the same table with a Hebrews and Joe must maintain his cover story if he is to effectively screw them over.

The food is brought out and everyone notices that Benjamin has 5 times as much as they do. Benjamin is frightened of the looks his brothers give him. And for good reason.

Stick That in Your Sack!

As his brothers; gorge themselves, Joseph puts his plan in motion. He instructs his house steward to fill each brother's sack with corn and to once again return all the money. The kicker? Place a silver cup in Benjamin's sack.

The brothers leave the next morning, and Joseph sends men to catch up with them and accuse them of stealing the silver cup. The brothers deny the charge, and one of them runs his fool mouth off: "With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord's bondmen."

Joe's man, knowing it's all a set-up, takes mercy on the overconfident brother and offers a counter punishment: "He with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless." The unnamed brother intelligently shuts the fuck up.

The men unpack each sack, starting with the oldest brother and ending with Benjamin, in whose sack they find the cup. They tear the brothers' clothes off and make them form a naked pyramid. The they are brought before Joseph.

Joe says that Benjamin, being the one who stole the cup, must become his servant. Judah freaks out and recounts for Joseph how Jacob lost his wife and one of his sons, but leaves out his complicity in the latter. If Benjamin were not to return, he says, Judah would die of sadness. He then offers to become Joseph's bitch in his brother's place. "Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren," Judah pleads.

Moved by the plot-advancing character growth, Joseph puts on a diaper and starts bawling. He yanks off his horn-rimmed glasses and reveals himself. "Come near to me, I pray you," Joseph says. "I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: it's cool. Except for the slavery part. And the two years in prison. And the anilingus for cigarettes. No, really, it's all cool." He tells them that God orchestrated his bondage so that he could save the world from famine by interpreting the pharaoh's dreams.

"But God is with our father, Jacob," Judah says. "And by selling you into slavery we have nearly destroyed him. What kind of God would do that to his loyal servant?"

"That's a really good question," Joseph says. "Who needs a good cry?"

Everyone starts bawling like they're on Oprah. Joseph tells his brothers to go home and inform their father he is alive and well and masquerading as an Egyptian. The Pharaoh pays a visit to the happy reunion and hands over the deed to a large stretch of land for Jacob's clan to use. He then promises that under no circumstances will the Hebrews be forced into slavery until a prophet comes along to free them under penalty of hideous plagues. Just so everyone is clear on that point.

Joseph also gifts his brothers a change of clothes, but to Benjamin his gifts 5 new suits and 300 pieces of silver. On the way home to Jacob, the brothers sell Benjamin into slavery and steal the suits and money.

Not really. But that would have been cool, huh?

Jacob is overjoyed not only that Benjamin wasn't eaten by a beast but that Joseph is still alive. He promises that he will see Joseph before he dies, right after the Sanford and Son marathon on Nick at Night.

Genesis 41, 42

I Have a Dream

Joseph rots in prison for 2 years. One night pharaoh chases a few OxyContin with a couple of shots of NyQuil and has some bizarro dreams. In the first, 7 fat cows emerge from the river to feed in a meadow. As they graze, 7 emaciated cows devour them. Even though they have eaten the fat cows, they remain skin and bones.

The pharaoh turns his pillow over to the cool side and dreams of 7 large, juicy ears of corn that sprout from a single stalk. The east wind causes 7 small, thin ears to sprout, and they devour the 7 large ears. If I were the pharaoh I'd be most disturbed that I dreamed ears of corn had mouths.

The pharaoh has another dream where he's playing bass for Journey and receives awesome groupie fellatio.

Pharaoh consults his dream symbols dictionary, but all he can find is a reference to acorns. The court magicians and wise men also fail to interpret his dreams. It's then that the chief butler remembers his promise to Joseph and tells the pharaoh how the Hebrew prisoner accurately interpreted his and the baker's dreams as they languished in jail. Pharaoh doesn't have any recollection of Joseph, who was once his right-hand man and whom he accused of attempted rape. He summons Joseph, because he has to find out if he and his bandmates will ever match the success of Escape.

The jailer gives Joseph a Brazilian and a change clothes for his audience with the pharaoh. "I have dreamed a dream, and there is none that can interpret it," pharaoh says to the freshened-up Joseph.

"I can," Joseph says. "It'll be $4.50 for the first minute, and $2.00 for each additional minute."

Pharaoh agrees, and says the dreams describe the same events. The 7 fat cows and the 7 healthy ears of corn represent 7 years of bountiful harvest. The 7 thin cows and 7 small ears of corn represent a devastating 7-year drought that will follow the years of plenty.

Pharaoh is not only unable to interpret dreams, he's unable to set policy, so he asks Joseph's advice on how to deal with the coming famine. "Now therefore let Pharaoh look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt," Joseph says. "Let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the 7 plenteous years. And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. And that food shall be for store to the land against the 7 years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine."

Impressed, mainly because he has no idea what Joseph is talking about, the pharaoh once again makes Joseph his second banana. To avoid any misunderstanding this time, he gives Joseph a wife. He also changes Joseph's name to Zaphnathpaaneah, which, never really catches on for some reason.

True to Joseph's interpretation, 7 years of bounty are followed by 7 years of famine. Because of Joseph's idea, the Egyptians have food aplenty and do not suffer. Of course, Joseph is the "man discreet and wise" he suggested the pharaoh find, sort of like how Dick Cheney headed Bush 42's vice president search committee and discovered that he himself was the best candidate. In his new post, Joseph sells the stored food to the hungry instead of giving it away. Joe's not being a dick, folks, it's just capitalism.

Payback's a Bitch, Especially in the Bible

The famine hits Canaan hard, and Jacob and his remaining sons are desperate for food. The old man hears of the Egyptian stockpiles and commands 10 of his sons--the very same who sold Joseph into slavery--to travel to Egypt and buy corn. Jacob keeps his youngest son, Benjamin, with him, because the last time those 10 guys went anywhere together someone was eaten by a beast and he's grown fond of the boy.

Joseph sees his brothers coming and pulls a Clark Kent on them. Donning horn-rimmed glasses and greasing his bangs into a curl, he deftly evades recognition. Just to fuck with them he speaks through an interpreter and accuses the brothers of being spies. They deny it, and for some reason tell Joseph that their youngest brother stayed home with their aged father. Joseph acts outraged and tells them that they must send one brother home to fetch the youngest, so he can see if they are telling the truth. He then changes his mind sends them all to prison.

Three days later he switches up his request: instead of sending one brother home to fetch the youngest, one brother must remain in prison and the rest must go fetch the youngest.

The brothers, thinking that Joseph doesn't understand them, express their regret at selling Joseph into slavery because it's now obvious that their decision has created some seriously negative karma for them. Touched by his brother's regrets, Joseph excuses himself and has a good cry in the next room like the sissy girly cry baby he is.

When he returns, he ties up Simeon and agrees to sell them corn. In the corn sacks Joseph has him men also return his brother's money. Upon their return to Canaan, they discover the money and seriously flip the fuck out. They have no idea if it's a prank, an error, or a set-up. When they tell Jacob about bringing Benjamin back in exchange for Simeon, he is heartbroken. He refuses to send Benjamin to Egypt and tells the boys not to return either. That means that Simeon is shit out of luck for now.

Everyone enjoys the corn.

Genesis 39, 40

The Only Likable Character Gets Royally Fucked

Joseph proves quite capable as a slave and is promoted to head of household after beating the other contestants at a grueling game of Jarts. The pharaoh recognizes that the Lord is with Joseph--but not with him enough to help him avoid slavery, which is just the right amount of "with him" for pharaoh's tastes--and puts Joseph in charge of everything. Joseph takes his responsibilities seriously and works like a...well, like a slave...and as a result, the land prospers, everyone is happy, and, best of all, the pharaoh is pleased. And with the Pyramid Construction Authority's mandatory work program in full swing, unemployment is at an all-time low, and deaths caused by being crushed under 3 ton blocks of sandstone are at an all-time high.

But the pharaoh's wife isn't so pleased. In bed. If you know what I mean. She has never been with a cut guy before, so she corners Joseph one day and proposes a little hanky panky. Joseph, demonstrating why he is the only honorable and trustworthy person to show up the Bible so far, refuses.

"There is none greater in this house than I," Joseph says, arguing why he won't sleep with his boss's wife by citing the reason most men would give for doing so. "Neither hath [the pharaoh] kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?" Joseph escapes with his honor intact, a state of being that, I'm sure you know, will not go unpunished.

Rebuffed but not deterred, pharaoh's wife later catches Joseph by his cloak and pulls him near. Joseph struggles against her, and she tears a piece of his clothing off. He runs away, but the pharaoh's wife begins to scream. She tells the housemen who arrive that Joseph tried to attack her and she tore off a piece of his clothing as they fought. When the men tell the pharaoh he is righteously pissed. Here he had trusted Joseph with everything in his house except his wife and what did he do? Acted like that no good bum Abraham, that's what. Pharaoh throws Joseph in prison.

In the clink, Joseph finds favor with the head guard, who recognizes that the lord is with him--but not with him enough to avoid being unjustly accused of a sex crime and thrown in jail. That and Joseph offers to toss the guard's salad every day in exchange for cigarettes.

Pleased with the barter, the jailer puts his new bitch in charge of all the prisoners, freeing himself up to play Minesweeper all day. Under Joseph's rule, the prison prospers. How exactly a prison prospers isn't discussed. I would assume that a prosperous prison would be a bad thing, since it would mean more prisoners within its walls. By that definition, things are going great, because soon enough the chief of the bakers and the chief of the butlers find themselves the under Joseph's command.

Interpreter of Calamities

Because Egyptian prisons are hotter than Abraham's wife Sarah in a Catholic school girl outfit sucking on a Blow Pop, the chiefs start having crazy fever dreams. Joseph, being a kind and thoughtful person utterly undeserving of even being in the Bible let alone in prison, notices that his charges are upset and asks them if he can help. They spill the crazy beans.

The chief butler says he dreamed of a vine with 3 branches clustered with ripe grapes. In the dream, he presses the grapes into the pharaoh's cup and delivers it to his former boss's hand.

"And?" Joseph asks.

"And what?" The chief butler asks.

"Nothing," Joseph says, and whips out his Magic 8 Ball to interpret the dream. The 3 branches, Joseph says, are 3 days, and 3 days from now the pharaoh will free the chief of the butlers from prison and restore him to his position as grape presser and cup hander overer. The butler chief is overjoyed--who wouldn't be?--and agrees to Joseph's demand that he talk up Joseph to the pharaoh. "For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews," Joseph says. "And here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon."

"Suuuuure," the chief says. "I'm innocent, too."

Also overjoyed is the chief of the bakers, who had a similar dream. In his dream, he had 3 white baskets stacked on his head. In the uppermost basket were bake meats for the pharaoh, but a flock of birds attacked him and ate everything. Smiling, the bakers asks, "So? Am I getting my job back, too?"

Joseph smiles thinly. "Well, the good news is that, like the butler, you will also be released in 3 days," Joseph says. "The bad news is that the pharaoh will hang you and birds will peck at your corpse." The baker is, of course, devastated.

"I hate to ask you this," Joseph asks the stunned baker, "but don't mention my name to the pharaoh, okay? You're kind of damaged goods."

Three days later, the predictions come to pass: the butler is again butlering and the baker is baking in the sun with birds pecking at his eyeballs.

But the butler, once again enjoying the high life, forgets his promise to Joseph. Really, what does he owe to Joseph? Predictions only describe what's going to happen, they don't make it happen.

Or do they?

Genesis 38

Like a Nervous Teenager

Judah, one of Israel's sons who sold Joseph into slavery, has 3 sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. I'm positive it's pronounced "shea-lah," because homophobic fundy Christians would never worship a book where a character had a girl's name.

Er marries Tamar, and soon after does something so unspeakably awful in the sight of the Lord that the Lord strikes him dead. Considering some of the atrocities committed thus far, I can't even imagine what Er could have done to piss off God that much.

Judah has a plan for the widow Tamar: he wants Onan to marry her so she can have children to carry on Er's name. This doesn't sit right with Onan. Why should he father a child that everyone will recognize as Er's? His objections don't stop him from having sex with Tamar, but just before climaxing he pulls out and spurts on the ground. God is displeased with Onan's waste of sperm and strikes him dead. We're left to wonder how Tamar handles watching her dead husband's brother die after having sex with her.

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So far I've refrained from overtly expressing my view of biblical interpretation, but the story of Onan touches on a matter near and dear to my heart. I speak of masturbation.

The story of Onan is often cited as a reason why God doesn't want you to masturbate. However, it's clear from the story that Onan wasn't masturbating. He was fucking his dead brother's wife and felt icky about impregnating her, so he pulled out. Instead of warning against masturbation, religious types should warn against fucking your dead brother's wife and then pulling out. It's obvious that that's what God really despises.

But I can see how a leap can be made from Onan's spilled seed to your average horny teenager's jerking it into a gym sock. Sperm wasted is sperm wasted, unless said teenager gives his girlfriend the sock as a tampon. I wouldn't make the leap, but at least it's an argument. So what should we make of the prohibition against female masturbation? News flash, folks: female orgasm is not integral to procreation the way male orgasm is. That means that girls should be able to twiddle all they want without incurring God's wrath.

All righty then. Back to our story, already in progress.

I Still Have One More Son

Judah, reeling from the death of two sons, suggests that Tamar get as far away from him as possible. "Remain a widow at thy father's house, till Shelah my son be grown," Judah says. "Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did." Judah's tactful, heartwarming speech no doubt makes Tamar feel better. Shelah, on the other hand, prays like mad that someone makes him a eunuch so he never has to marry the Black Widow.

A little while later, Judah's daughter dies. To comfort himself, he goes into the countryside to sheer some sheep. Recognizing an opportunity, Tamar changes from her mourning clothes to a hooker's outfit and a veil, and sits in an open field, waiting for Judah to walk past. When Judah comes by, he doesn't recognize his one-time daughter-in-law, thinking instead that she's a harlot. "Let me come in unto thee," Judah purrs.

Playing the part a bit too perfectly, Tamar asks, "What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?"

He offers her a kid goat. Skeptical, she accepts but only if he leaves her his ring, bracelets, and staff as insurance that he will come back with the goat. So the deal is made, as is some love, and Tamar of course conceives.

Judah sends a friend back to the field with the promised goat, but the harlot is nowhere to be found. Puzzled, Judah himself returns to the spot and searches for the harlot. He returns knowing that he finally got some sex for free.

Three months later word comes to Judah that Tamar has been acting slutty and is pregnant. Unironically enraged that a woman would let any old man have sex with her, Judah proposes burning her to death. Tamar is brought before him, but before punishment can be meted out she has a little surprise for him. "By the man, whose these are, am I with child," she says, and whips out Judah's ring, bracelets, and staff. Suddenly full of forgiveness, Judah admits that if he had just given Shelah a crack at her this never would have happened. He then swears of sleeping with his daughter-in-law.

In time, Tamar has twins. During delivery, a hand thrusts out of Tamar's vagina and the midwife ties a red string around the wrist. The hand slips back in, and minutes later Pharez is born--without the string around its wrist. But the second born, Zarah is born with the string around his wrist, and one arm that is incredibly long.

Genesis 35, 36, 37

Jesus, Another Altar?

God, fresh off not interfering with sibling reconciliation, is obviously lonely and tells Jacob to move his whole family to Bethel to build an altar. Announcing the news to his puzzled family, Jacob instructs everyone to "put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments."

The family delivers to Jacob all the strange gods they have lying around and their earrings. Instead of destroying the objectionable items, Jacob buries them under an oak tree. In case the whole God thing turns out to be rubbish, he'll be wanting those strange gods.

Jacob and Co. arrive in Bethel and build the altar. The previously unmentioned Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, dies and is buried under an oak tree, presumably next to the strange gods and earrings. God comes down from wherever the hell it is lives when not screwing with people on earth and tells Jacob that his name is now Israel.

"Yeah, I know," Jacob says. "The guy in that U2 lyric renamed me. Aren't you reading this book, God?"

As the group is leaving Bethel, Rachel goes into hard labor. Strange, considering that no one has mentioned that she is pregnant. She has a boy, Benjamin, and dies. Jacob sets up a pillar on her grave, and once a year he travels back to Bethel to leave 3 roses and a bottle of cognac before slipping away unnoticed.

Back at home, the mandrake-loving Reuben sleeps with Israel's concubine Bilhah. No mention of a punishment yet, but one can only imagine that it will be a doozy.

Oh, and Isaac dies. It's just tossed in at the end of Chapter 35, so I doubt it has any significance whatsoever.

A Musical Is Born

All is not well with Esau. His rich brother is crowding him out. The fields aren't big enough for all the cattle. Everyone's all like "Israel this," and "Israel that," and Esau is sick of it. So he moves to Seir.

The rest of chapter 36 consists of a list of Esau's generations, the kind of names that people say when they want to make fun of biblical names. They are pretty funny, now that I think about them. Check them out here.

Chapter 37 introduces one of the more sympathetic and interesting characters so far--maybe the only sympathetic and interesting one: Joseph. All of Joseph's brothers hate him because he is their father Israel's favorite. Israel loves Joseph so much he made the boy a coat of many colors. Can you believe that shit? The other kids only got coats of a few colors. The hate gravy is Joseph's prophetic dreams. One involves Joe and his brother's stacking sheaves of wheat, and the brother's stacks bow obediently to Joseph's. This is widely interpreted to mean that one day Joseph will be the master of his brothers. Oh, shit! Now it's on!

Joseph has another dream: the sun, the moon, and 11 stars all bow to him. Boring the piss out of everyone in earshot, he won't shut up about the dream. Unfortunately, Joseph doesn't have a dream where his brothers plot to kill him but instead throw him into a pit and then sell him to Midianite merchants for 20 pieces of silver. Now that would have been a good dream to have because it's about to come true.

Covering up their crime, the brothers tear Joseph's coat, splash it with goat's blood, and tell Israel that Joseph was devoured by a beast. Israel is so upset he tears off his clothes and puts sackcloth on his genitals. I assume that means he was upset.

Later, the merchants sell Joseph to Potiphar, the captain of the Pharaoh's guard. I tell you , if I were Israel, I'd move my family to Arizona just to get away from the Egyptians. They've been nothing but trouble.

Genesis 32, 33, 34

Run for Your Life! My Brother's in Town!

Jacob fears that the time he impersonated his brother, Esau, to steal their father's blessing has irreparably damaged their relationship. That and when he poked a hole in Esau's Stretch Armstrong just to see what was inside.

To make things right, Jacob sends messengers to feel out Esau. The message: I have scores of cattle, dozens of servants, four women I'm sleeping with, and 11 kids, all thanks to the blessing meant for you. How's it going for you and your Canaanite wife dad didn't want you to marry?

The messengers return with the news that Esau is on his way with 400 men in tow.

Jacob wets his pants. He then divides his caravan in 2 so that if Esau slaughters one group the other will survive. His only problem now is how to make sure the group he doesn't go with is the one that will be destroyed.

The wet-pantsed Jacob prays to God. "Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau," he says. "For I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children. But especially me. I'm really most concerned about me."

He decides to blunt Esau's anger by sending the hairy orangutan a present of 200 she goats and 20 he goats, 200 ewes and 20 rams, 30 camels and their colts, 40 cows and 10 bulls, 20 she asses, and 10 foals. Not a bright move, an ostentatious display of wealth to a man bent on killing you because you got rich off his stolen blessing.

As a few nervous servants herd all those animals to Esau, Jacob sends his wives and concubines and their 11 children away as decoys, hoping his brother's blood lust will be slaked if he kills them first. Jacob is left alone and inexplicably wrestles a man from nightfall to daybreak. The man touches the hollow of Jacob's thigh, causing it to go out of joint. Jacob wrestles on through the pain thanks to the timely application of Icy Hot.

With no clear winner is sight, Jacob demands his opponent bless him. The man does, renaming Jacob Israel in the process.

Draw your own conclusions about what happened, but the sodomy and Jacob's subsequent drag queen name form the basis for a key U2 lyric, so who am I to judge. To this day, Jews will not eat the sinew which is in the hollow of the thigh. Just as well, considering no one knows what the hell it is anyway.

Exhausted from his all-night oil wrestling, Jacob sees Esau coming across the land. Too tired to stand, Jacob pees himself lying down. Then he throws up and shits himself.

But Esau and his 400 men aren't there to kill Jacob. In fact, Esau runs up to Jacob and, ignoring the pee and shit smell, embraces him and weeps on his neck. Rachel, Leah, the handmaidens, and all the children appear and awkward introductions are made.

No doubt feeling guilty about the Stretch Armstrong thing, Israel presses Esau to keep the flocks he sent ahead; he even builds Esau a house and stables. This unlikely display of brotherly love and forgiveness shows what people can accomplish as long as God stays out of the way.

Off With Your Foreskin!

Leah's daughter Dinah is spotted by Prince Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite. As princes are wont to do, he takes Dinah and defiles her. Oh, Bible! What a hopeless romantic you are.

Prince Shechem falls in love with Dinah, and he asks his dad to ensure that she becomes his wife. Hamor approaches Israel with an offer: "Marry your daughters off to us and we'll let you live here. Where you're currently living. If you catch our drift." No word about how Dinah feels about matters. Not that anyone would really care.

But Dinah cannot marry the prince because he is not circumcised. So Israel tells Hamor that if every male in the king's kingdom has a piece of his penis lopped off...well, maybe then something can be arranged.

Hamor meets with all the men and tells them that Israel and his people are nice and friendly, and would love to trade their daughters for the right to live on the land they're already living on, and that the deal is basically done except for one little mine detail you all have to lop off the tips of your penises but other than that it's all totally cool."

"What was that last part?" the men ask.

"Oh, it's all totally cool," Hamor says.

"No, the part before the totally cool part."

"Oh, we'll let them live on their land."

"After that."

"You all have to lop off the tips of your penises?"

"Yeah, that's what we thought you said."

Unbelievably, the men agree. But three days later, as the men lie around nursing their bloody penises, Israel's sons Simeon and Levi sneak into the city, kill all the men, take all the animals, and kidnap the women and children.

Israel is not pleased with this, as he knows someone will hear tale of this totally outrageous behavior and come looking for him.

His sons respond, "Should he [Shechem] deal with our sister as with a harlot?"

"Good point," Israel says. "Did you kick them in their sore crotches before you killed them?"

Genesis 30, 31

Take My Handmaiden, Please!

Rachel is understandably upset that her sister, Leah, is squeezing out pups while she herself can't get knocked up. Of course, Jacob is to blame--an odd reaction considering he's already had 4 with Leah, proving his sperm's mobility. Jacob rightfully blames God, and God blames--well, God has no one to blame but himself, considering he's the one that sealed her womb and all. Feeling guilty, God kills a bunch of people for no good reason. Never fails to make him feel better.

Fearing a retirement in Boca with no grandchildren to spoil, Rachel hatches an ingenious plan, one borrowed from Sarah: she will give her handmaiden Bilhah to Jacob to impregnate. The plan works and Bilhah bears a son. Rachel takes all the credit and claims the boy, Dan, as her own. Bilhah conceives again and gives birth to Naphtali, a name that never caught on as Dan did.

Not to be outdone, Leah gives her handmaiden Zilpah to Jacob. Just because, you know? I guess it's a sister thing. Zilpah bears a son, named Gad. Soon, Zilpah has a second son, named Asher.

Rachel is furious that her own handmaiden, her hated sister, and her hated sister's handmaiden are all sleeping with Jacob and having babies by the boatload, so she transfers her rage to basket of mandrakes her nephew Reuben brings home. She really, really, really wants those mandrakes and makes a huge stink about them.

"Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband?" the irony-deficient Leah asks. "Wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also?" Rachel, clearly not thinking at all, makes a compromise. "OK," she says. "If you giveth me the mandrakes you can spendeth the night with Jacob."

"Reuben," Leah says, "give whatever the hell those things are to Rachel. I'm getting laid tonight!"

Rachel takes the mandrakes home and spends the evening dressing them up and taking them for a stroll in her doll carriage.

Baby Race!

Turns out that Rachel made a bad deal for those mandrakes: as a result of that night's sleeping arrangements, Leah bears Jabob a fifth son. Later, she conceives number six. But wait! She conceives again, this time a daughter, Dinah, who at some point blows some kind of horn or something.

God, in a strange change of heart that makes sense only to him, decides this is a great time to open Rachel's womb. The Big Guy also creates Barry White, which really gets the party going. The result? Rachel bears Jacob a son.

How many is that so far? Let's see...Leah, and Bilhath, and Zilpath, and Rachel...holy shit. Jacob has 11 kids by four different women! Somewhere right now P. Diddy is calling Jacob a playa.

Meanwhile, Jacob is so tired of all this pussy that he asks Laban to release him from his labor. Laban agrees, and he and Jacob agree on a payment: all the spotted and speckled cattle, all the brown sheep, and all the spotted and speckled goats, then asks Laban to move three days journey away. Oh, and Rachel and Leah. Can't forget that they were payment too.

Jacob quickly creates some voodoo to increase his livestock: taking rods of green poplar, hazel, and chestnut, he puts them in the animals' watering troughs. After drinking from the mahic rod water, the animals conceive like mad, and Jacob finds himself with a huge stock. Just to be a prick, Jacob sends the weakest of the new breed to Laban and keeps the strongest for himself. The mighty animals drink the horny water again, and the cycle starts anew. Jacob grows rich.

Laban realizes that Jacob actually accomplished something with the fair wages he was paid for 2 decades of hard work and is characteristically pissed. His sons are pissed too, but because they only now realized that Laban threw their foosball table into the deal when they weren't looking.

Jacob starts bitching to Rachel and Leah about their dad. "And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times," he says. "And now he wants the friggin' foosball table back? That's bullshit, man." They pack up camels with all their goods, and tote along all the livestock the magic rods, and head for Canaan, Jacob's homeland. Somewhere in there are Jacob's 11 kids and his two handmaiden fuck buddies, I'm sure, but the Bible doesn't say exactly.

Last Dance With Mary Jane

Laban hears of the Jacob's trek 3 days later and immediately sets out after him. God comes to Laban in a dream and warns him not to speak to Jacob "either good or bad." What kind of conversation is left to have is a mystery. Perhaps they can talk about American Idol.

Catching up to Jacob 7 days later, Laban lays into him. "What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword?" Laban says, totally making up the sword part. "Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me."

"Well,"Jacob says, "fleeing in secret is the best way to flee, actually. And didn't you give me all this stuff as payment for 20 years of work? How am I fleeing from you, exactly?"

Turns out that the reason Laban is pissed is that he wanted to have a party in honor of Jacob's leaving. Imagine that? Chasing a guy for 7 days across the desert to tell him you wanted to throw him a party! What a great father-in-law!

But Laban's not exactly telling the truth. What he's really looking for are his "gods," which he believes Rachel and Leah took with them. According to biblical scholars, "gods," loosely translated, means "weed."

Laban ransaks every tent looking for his ganja, but comes up empty. At last he sees Rachel, sitting on a camel saddle, under which is the goods. She refuses to stand up and he goes all Reefer Madness on her tears the tent apart. Jonesing pretty hard, he storms out.

"These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and that sticky icky is my sticky icky," Laban says to Jacob. "You even rolled over your 401(k). You heartless bastard!"

After he calms down, Laban proposes a pact with Jacob. The two build pillars of rocks, and Laban says, "If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee."

"What about the handmaidens?" Jacob asks.

"Oh, they don't count," Laban says.

Laban points to the rock pillars. "This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm," he says. "Now I gotta go see a guy about a thing."

Genesis 27, 28, 29

Eating the Venison

Isaac is old and has cataracts, but because God doesn't invent Lasik for another 6,000 years, he's kind of stuck with dim vision. That's good news for Jacob, the heel-grabbing brother of Esau, who in true biblical fashion is about to take advantage of someone weak and vulnerable.

The story: Isaac calls Esau to his tent intending to bless his elder son. Create a savory meat, preferably venison, Isaac instructs Esau, winking at the mention of "venison." Rebekah overhears the conversation--she may be old, but she's not deaf--and tells Jacob how he can steal his brother's blessing. "Go now to the flock," she says, "and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savory meat for thy father, such as he loveth." Jacob is such a mama's boy that he can't even make the meal with which he plans to steal his brother's blessing. No wonder Isaac likes Esau better.

Jacob bring up a solid objection: Esau is Robin Williams hairy and he, Jacob, is smooth, like the buttocks of the helpless boy he is. When Isaac feels him--which I'm sure has something to do with eating the venison--he will curse Jacob instead of bless him.

But Rebekah has it all figured out. She takes the skin of the goat and places it on Jacob's hands, arms, and the back of his neck--in case Isaac tries to push his head down while he's "eating the venison"--and makes him wear Esau's clothes. Wearing his brother's clothes and the skin of a goat, and bearing the savory meat he didn't prepare, Jacob goes to steal himself a blessing!

Isaac is initially confused. "The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau," he says. Having no reason to suspect traitorous behavior from a family member, he agrees to bless Jacob. "Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine: Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee." The blessing ends with the words God said to Abraham: "Cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee." Jacob is certain that this time it will come true.

In classic sitcom fashion, as soon as Jacob leaves Esau comes in. "Here's your savory meat, Mr Furley!" Esau says, and then trips over an ottoman. Isaac wants to know why Esau has brought him another stew. "But I didn't..." Esau begins. "Newman!" he cries.

Just then, a piano falls through the tent and crushes him.

From his painful place beneath the Steinway, Esau begs his father for any kind of sloppy seconds blessing. "Uh," Isaac says, "you can live on the land. With your brother's permission, of course. But I guess that's true of everyone now. And I've got some old Bread albums you can have." Esau vows revenge on his brother, because if there's one thing he hates its 70s soft rock.

Rebekah learns of Esau's plan to kill Jacob and tells her youngest son to flee to her brother Laban. She fears that Jacob will marry a daughter of Heth, a clan that lives in Canaan. "Why can't he marry a good Jewish girl?" Rebekah wonders.

Hairy Legs and All

Chapter 28 begins with Isaac again blessing Jacob and telling him to marry one of Laban's daughters--you know, just to keep the polluted gene pool stirred up a bit. "But whatever you do," Isaac said, "don't marry a Canaanite. They all have crabs and they smell of beets. And they don't shave their pits. They are total sluts."

Esau hears the warning and, just to rile the old man up, decides to marry a Canaanite. That, and he loves sluts and beets.

On the road to Laban's, Jacob lies down to sleep with some rocks as a pillow and has a dream of a giant ladder descending from the sky with angels of the Lord going up and down it. At the top is God, who blesses Jacob. "And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth," God says. "And thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And southwest, and northeast, and north by northwest, and..."

"I get it," Jacob says.

Jacob wakes and uses his pillow stones as an altar, on which he pours some oil. He swears that as long as God stays with him he shall give God ten percent of all he makes. Jacob also suggests that God set up a no-load IRA, preferably a Roth, and maybe a 529 to cover the college costs of any future children he might have.

Like Father, Like Son

Isaac reaches Haran and stops at a well for water, and who should he see fetching water but Rachel, Laban's daughter--his own cousin! Funny how history repeats itself.

Laban, who learned his lesson after marrying off his sister for nothing, says that Jacob can have Rachel for his wife only after he works on the family farm for 7 years. The years pass like days, so great is Jacob's love for his cousin. Everyone around them is disgusted by the cheese curd hearts Jacob makes.

After the 7 years passes, Jacob demands that Laban pay up. That evening, instead of bringing Rachel to Isaac's tent, Laban brings his eldest daughter, Leah. It's the old bait and switch! Jacob falls for it, and sleeps with Leah. The next morning, Jacob is understandably pissed. The criticism rolls right off Laban, who justifies his deceit by saying it's customary to marry the oldest before the youngest. He then offers Jacob another deal: If Jacob can bang Leah for one week, he gets to marry Rachel, too. One catch, though: Jacob has to agree to work another 7 years. Dreaming of the awesome sister threesomes he'll have, Jacob agrees.

For some reason, God is annoyed that Jacob loves Rachel, the woman he courted for 7 years, and hates Leah, the woman he was tricked into sleeping with and then marrying by her conniving father. God does something absolutely character consistent: he makes Rachel barren and opens Leah's womb. Leah subsequently has 4 children with Jacob, which means that even though he hates her, Jacob still sleeps with her.

Now that's my kind of guy.

Genesis 24, 25, 26

Nahor: The Kentucky of Mesopotamia

Abraham calls his eldest servant over and says, "Put, I pray thee, they hand under my thigh." That's not a joke. The King James Version actually says that.

Then Abraham farts on his servant's hand. That Abraham, he's the life of the party.

The servant thigh-swears that he will not marry off Issac, Abraham's son, to a Canaanite but will instead find a woman from Abraham's country. Considering all the land that God has promised Abraham, the field is wide open chick-wise.

Taking 10 camels with him, the servant travels to Mesopotamia to the city of Nahor and parks by a well, hoping to flirt on Isaac's behalf with the women fetching water. He asks God to make Isaac's bride the first women who agrees to give him and his camels water from the pitcher she fills up. He also asks God to make the woman laugh at his double entendre about her big jugs.

Before he is finished telling God his next joke involving some water balloons, Abraham's niece Rebekah comes by and offers both the servant and his camels water. Totally skeeved out at the prospect of setting up Isaac with his own cousin, but bound by both his promise to God and Abraham's fart swear, the servant asks Rebekah if he can lodge at her house that night. Rebekah agrees, then asks him to pull her finger.

The servant is greeted with open arms by Rebekah's brother, Laban, and he introduces himself to the family: "The Lord hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses. You don't wanteth to know what my master did to get those things, but let's just say this whole cousin-marrying scheme doesn't surprise me in the least."

The servant bores everyone by relating the sorry tale of how he ended up in their house, and asks if Rebekah will agree to marry Isaac. Rebekah is about to answer--I'm guessing "no"--when Laban jumps in. "Behold," Laban says, "Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the Lord hath spoken." Rebekah smacks Laban's arm. "Mom," she says, "Laban is marrying me off to my cousin again. I hate you, Laban!" She storms off to her room and blasts Dashboard Confessional.

The next morning as the servant prepares to leave, Laban asks that Rebekah stay at home for at least 10 days. "You think I was born yesterday?" the servant asks. "Abraham hates it when women say no. Let's get hopping."

Cut to Isaac, meditating in a field. He sees the camel parade coming near and hastens toward it. The lovebirds take one look at each other and make a beeline for Isaac's mother's tent, where they totally do it on his parent's bed. They are now man and wife, but still have to clean up the wet spot before Abraham comes home.

The Hairy Orangutan Lacks Perspective

Horny old coot that he is, Abraham takes another wife, Keturah, proving that he's the Bible's answer to Gene Simmons. Keturha bears Abraham 6 children, but he gives everything he owns to Isaac. Oddly, he does reserve some give gifts to the sons of his concubines--yes, plural--but sends them away from Isaac. Finally, Abraham dies. The cause of death? Too much fucking.

Turns out that Rebekah, Isaac's wife and cousin, is also barren. The Lord entreats Isaac: "Try the hole on the other side." That works, and she conceives twins. Firstborn Esau is so hirsute he is described as wearing a hairy red garment. Isaac and Rebekah immediately set up an appointment with PT Barnum.

Second born Jacob comes out grasping Esau's heel, which means something I'm sure. Let's read on, shall we?

Esau grows up to be a cunning hunter; Jacob, a plain man. Guess who their dad likes better? Right, Esau, but only because he eats of Isaac's venison. I'm sure I'm reading into it, but that's what the book says.

One day, Esau, hungry and thirsty after a hard day of eating his father's venison, comes to Jacob begging for food. Jacob agrees to feed his brother in exchange for his birthright. Being as dull-witted as he is hairy like an orangutan, Esau agrees. It is the best lentil soup of his life, but still Esau vows to learn how to make a sandwich.

"Hey, baby, wanna go sportin'?"

A famine hits the land, and God helps out his people by bringing much needed rain to the area. Only kidding! God would never do something like that. Instead, he tells Isaac not to go the Egypt, which is the kind of helpful advice you want from your God when everyone around you is dying of malnutrition.

Isaac dwells in Gerar, and--get this--tells the men there that Rebekah is his sister! Isaac could have easily told them the truth: she is my cousin and I have no excuse being married to her in the first place. The ruse is discovered when the King of the Philistines looks out his window and sees Isaac and Rebekah "sporting" in a field. Why the king assumes they are married is beyond me.

Thankfully, no one has yet hit Rebekah's shit other than Isaac, so Isaac and Rebekah are allowed to stay in the community. Isaac sows the land and reaps a hundredfold what he planted. In response, all the men go around telling people their wives are really their sisters. Isaac grows so wealthy, the king tells him to leave. He moves to the valley where he becomes embroiled in disputes over well-water rights. The rest of the chapter reads like a legal brief. It's a yawner.

The chapter ends with Esau taking Judith as his wife, which surprises Isaac and Rebekah because they never thought he'd find someone to marry his hairy ass.