Nahor: The Kentucky of Mesopotamia
Abraham calls his eldest servant over and says, "Put, I pray thee, they hand under my thigh." That's not a joke. The King James Version actually says that.
Then Abraham farts on his servant's hand. That Abraham, he's the life of the party.
The servant thigh-swears that he will not marry off Issac, Abraham's son, to a Canaanite but will instead find a woman from Abraham's country. Considering all the land that God has promised Abraham, the field is wide open chick-wise.
Taking 10 camels with him, the servant travels to Mesopotamia to the city of Nahor and parks by a well, hoping to flirt on Isaac's behalf with the women fetching water. He asks God to make Isaac's bride the first women who agrees to give him and his camels water from the pitcher she fills up. He also asks God to make the woman laugh at his double entendre about her big jugs.
Before he is finished telling God his next joke involving some water balloons, Abraham's niece Rebekah comes by and offers both the servant and his camels water. Totally skeeved out at the prospect of setting up Isaac with his own cousin, but bound by both his promise to God and Abraham's fart swear, the servant asks Rebekah if he can lodge at her house that night. Rebekah agrees, then asks him to pull her finger.
The servant is greeted with open arms by Rebekah's brother, Laban, and he introduces himself to the family: "The Lord hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses. You don't wanteth to know what my master did to get those things, but let's just say this whole cousin-marrying scheme doesn't surprise me in the least."
The servant bores everyone by relating the sorry tale of how he ended up in their house, and asks if Rebekah will agree to marry Isaac. Rebekah is about to answer--I'm guessing "no"--when Laban jumps in. "Behold," Laban says, "Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the Lord hath spoken." Rebekah smacks Laban's arm. "Mom," she says, "Laban is marrying me off to my cousin again. I hate you, Laban!" She storms off to her room and blasts Dashboard Confessional.
The next morning as the servant prepares to leave, Laban asks that Rebekah stay at home for at least 10 days. "You think I was born yesterday?" the servant asks. "Abraham hates it when women say no. Let's get hopping."
Cut to Isaac, meditating in a field. He sees the camel parade coming near and hastens toward it. The lovebirds take one look at each other and make a beeline for Isaac's mother's tent, where they totally do it on his parent's bed. They are now man and wife, but still have to clean up the wet spot before Abraham comes home.
The Hairy Orangutan Lacks Perspective
Horny old coot that he is, Abraham takes another wife, Keturah, proving that he's the Bible's answer to Gene Simmons. Keturha bears Abraham 6 children, but he gives everything he owns to Isaac. Oddly, he does reserve some give gifts to the sons of his concubines--yes, plural--but sends them away from Isaac. Finally, Abraham dies. The cause of death? Too much fucking.
Turns out that Rebekah, Isaac's wife and cousin, is also barren. The Lord entreats Isaac: "Try the hole on the other side." That works, and she conceives twins. Firstborn Esau is so hirsute he is described as wearing a hairy red garment. Isaac and Rebekah immediately set up an appointment with PT Barnum.
Second born Jacob comes out grasping Esau's heel, which means something I'm sure. Let's read on, shall we?
Esau grows up to be a cunning hunter; Jacob, a plain man. Guess who their dad likes better? Right, Esau, but only because he eats of Isaac's venison. I'm sure I'm reading into it, but that's what the book says.
One day, Esau, hungry and thirsty after a hard day of eating his father's venison, comes to Jacob begging for food. Jacob agrees to feed his brother in exchange for his birthright. Being as dull-witted as he is hairy like an orangutan, Esau agrees. It is the best lentil soup of his life, but still Esau vows to learn how to make a sandwich.
"Hey, baby, wanna go sportin'?"
A famine hits the land, and God helps out his people by bringing much needed rain to the area. Only kidding! God would never do something like that. Instead, he tells Isaac not to go the Egypt, which is the kind of helpful advice you want from your God when everyone around you is dying of malnutrition.
Isaac dwells in Gerar, and--get this--tells the men there that Rebekah is his sister! Isaac could have easily told them the truth: she is my cousin and I have no excuse being married to her in the first place. The ruse is discovered when the King of the Philistines looks out his window and sees Isaac and Rebekah "sporting" in a field. Why the king assumes they are married is beyond me.
Thankfully, no one has yet hit Rebekah's shit other than Isaac, so Isaac and Rebekah are allowed to stay in the community. Isaac sows the land and reaps a hundredfold what he planted. In response, all the men go around telling people their wives are really their sisters. Isaac grows so wealthy, the king tells him to leave. He moves to the valley where he becomes embroiled in disputes over well-water rights. The rest of the chapter reads like a legal brief. It's a yawner.
The chapter ends with Esau taking Judith as his wife, which surprises Isaac and Rebekah because they never thought he'd find someone to marry his hairy ass.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Genesis 21, 22, 23
What Not to Wear
Sarah gives birth to a son she names Isaac, and when Isaac is a 8 days old, Abraham cuts off a piece of the little guy's dick. Without anesthesia. With an unsterilized knife. Now that's the way to begin a chapter.
When Isaac weans from his centenarian mother's flap-jack breast, Abraham throws a party. Hagar--you remember her right? Sarah's handmaiden given to Abraham as his wife for the purpose of conceiving a child?--mocks the party because Sarah is wearing white shoes and it's after Labor Day. Sarah: fashion disaster.
Annoyed, Sarah browbeats Abraham into kicking Hagar to the curb. Abraham is torn: should he obey the woman who he married off to 2 different men and who forced Hagar to sleep with him or show mercy on the woman who he and his wife have repeatedly taken advantage of? He leaves it up to God, who doesn't tell Abraham what to do exactly, but says that baby will one day make a great nation. Abraham interprets this as a green light and sends Hagar and his kid packing. But first he gives them a loaf of bread and a bottle of Dasani, just in case being homeless sucks as much as he heard it does.
After finishing all the water, Hagar throws the baby into a Dumpster. What else can she do? She only has one loaf of bread. Weeping, Hagar hears the voice of God. "Arise, lift up the lad," God says, "and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation. Just as soon as you brush the coffee grinds off him." The boy grows up to be an archer, a detail that comes out of nowhere and is never referred to again. The mother and son move to Egypt. End of story.
Meanwhile, these two guys, Abimelech and Phichol, ask Abraham to swear to God that he will deal fairly with them. "Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned." When Abraham stops laughing he says, "Oh, sure, Abimelech. You've got my--snort! chortle!--word on that one. Care to meet my sister? Snort!"
Then someone digs a well and some sheep exchange hands and--shit, I don't know what the hell is going on here. Let's skip to chapter 22.
My Dad Tried to Sacrifice Me to the Lord and All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt
Deciding that all the altars, slaughtered animals, and circumcisions weren't enough evidence of Abraham's devotion, God asks Abraham a teensy weensy favor: sacrifice his son Isaac.
"Sure," Abraham says. "No problem. But first let me return this World's Greatest Dad mug the kid got me for my birthday before the irony kills me."
Abraham takes an ass, two manservants, and Isaac and hikes 3 days to Jeffery Dahmer's house. Abraham and Isaac trudge alone to a distant outcropping, gather wood, and make a fire. Isaac innocently asks, "Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?"
Abraham says, "Oh look, your sandals are untied," and when Isaac bends down, Abraham knocks him out cold with a blackjack, binds him, and places him on the wood pile. As Abraham readies the knife, Alan Funt appears, screaming, "You're on Candid Camera!"
Flattered that Abraham would actually go through with the cockamamie plan that he totally came up with on a lark, God blesses all of Abraham's descendants, saying they will be as multiple as the stars, and promises him all the land as far as he can see.
"You've already promised me all that, like a dozen times already," Abraham says.
"Oh," God says. "Well, how do you like that? Hey, Abraham, have you seen my car keys anywhere?"
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Sarah dies at the age of 127. In the Bible, 127 is the new 935.
Abraham begins shopping around for a nice little plot. Someplace with a view of the pyramids would be nice. Sarah loved the pyramids when she was married to the pharaoh. You remember that, right? When her husband Abraham told everyone she was his sister, and when the deception was discovered Abraham somehow walked away with a small fortune? And remember when Abraham hoodwinked someone else the same way? Good times, good times.
After the funeral, Abraham approaches the sons of Heth (yes, the Heth!) and asks them for a plot in their land so that he has an excuse for not visiting her grave all the time. The sons of Heth agree to give Abraham one of their sepulchres. A sepulchre, by the way, is a cave. Just thought you'd like to know that the sons of Heth own caves.
Abraham is suddenly concerned that Sarah will be buried out of his sight, just in case the opportunity to marry off his "sister's" rotting corpse presents itself. Wouldn't want to miss out on any new she-goats just because she's dead, now would he? He offers to pay for the land around the sepulchre, four hundred shekels of silver. "Shekels" sounds like something I would make up, but it's not.
The sons of Heth accept the offer and Sarah is laid to rest. Maybe I shouldn't use the word "laid." God hates it when people try to do that to Sarah. Plus, now that she's dead, she's even drier than before.
Sarah gives birth to a son she names Isaac, and when Isaac is a 8 days old, Abraham cuts off a piece of the little guy's dick. Without anesthesia. With an unsterilized knife. Now that's the way to begin a chapter.
When Isaac weans from his centenarian mother's flap-jack breast, Abraham throws a party. Hagar--you remember her right? Sarah's handmaiden given to Abraham as his wife for the purpose of conceiving a child?--mocks the party because Sarah is wearing white shoes and it's after Labor Day. Sarah: fashion disaster.
Annoyed, Sarah browbeats Abraham into kicking Hagar to the curb. Abraham is torn: should he obey the woman who he married off to 2 different men and who forced Hagar to sleep with him or show mercy on the woman who he and his wife have repeatedly taken advantage of? He leaves it up to God, who doesn't tell Abraham what to do exactly, but says that baby will one day make a great nation. Abraham interprets this as a green light and sends Hagar and his kid packing. But first he gives them a loaf of bread and a bottle of Dasani, just in case being homeless sucks as much as he heard it does.
After finishing all the water, Hagar throws the baby into a Dumpster. What else can she do? She only has one loaf of bread. Weeping, Hagar hears the voice of God. "Arise, lift up the lad," God says, "and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation. Just as soon as you brush the coffee grinds off him." The boy grows up to be an archer, a detail that comes out of nowhere and is never referred to again. The mother and son move to Egypt. End of story.
Meanwhile, these two guys, Abimelech and Phichol, ask Abraham to swear to God that he will deal fairly with them. "Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son's son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned." When Abraham stops laughing he says, "Oh, sure, Abimelech. You've got my--snort! chortle!--word on that one. Care to meet my sister? Snort!"
Then someone digs a well and some sheep exchange hands and--shit, I don't know what the hell is going on here. Let's skip to chapter 22.
My Dad Tried to Sacrifice Me to the Lord and All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt
Deciding that all the altars, slaughtered animals, and circumcisions weren't enough evidence of Abraham's devotion, God asks Abraham a teensy weensy favor: sacrifice his son Isaac.
"Sure," Abraham says. "No problem. But first let me return this World's Greatest Dad mug the kid got me for my birthday before the irony kills me."
Abraham takes an ass, two manservants, and Isaac and hikes 3 days to Jeffery Dahmer's house. Abraham and Isaac trudge alone to a distant outcropping, gather wood, and make a fire. Isaac innocently asks, "Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?"
Abraham says, "Oh look, your sandals are untied," and when Isaac bends down, Abraham knocks him out cold with a blackjack, binds him, and places him on the wood pile. As Abraham readies the knife, Alan Funt appears, screaming, "You're on Candid Camera!"
Flattered that Abraham would actually go through with the cockamamie plan that he totally came up with on a lark, God blesses all of Abraham's descendants, saying they will be as multiple as the stars, and promises him all the land as far as he can see.
"You've already promised me all that, like a dozen times already," Abraham says.
"Oh," God says. "Well, how do you like that? Hey, Abraham, have you seen my car keys anywhere?"
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Sarah dies at the age of 127. In the Bible, 127 is the new 935.
Abraham begins shopping around for a nice little plot. Someplace with a view of the pyramids would be nice. Sarah loved the pyramids when she was married to the pharaoh. You remember that, right? When her husband Abraham told everyone she was his sister, and when the deception was discovered Abraham somehow walked away with a small fortune? And remember when Abraham hoodwinked someone else the same way? Good times, good times.
After the funeral, Abraham approaches the sons of Heth (yes, the Heth!) and asks them for a plot in their land so that he has an excuse for not visiting her grave all the time. The sons of Heth agree to give Abraham one of their sepulchres. A sepulchre, by the way, is a cave. Just thought you'd like to know that the sons of Heth own caves.
Abraham is suddenly concerned that Sarah will be buried out of his sight, just in case the opportunity to marry off his "sister's" rotting corpse presents itself. Wouldn't want to miss out on any new she-goats just because she's dead, now would he? He offers to pay for the land around the sepulchre, four hundred shekels of silver. "Shekels" sounds like something I would make up, but it's not.
The sons of Heth accept the offer and Sarah is laid to rest. Maybe I shouldn't use the word "laid." God hates it when people try to do that to Sarah. Plus, now that she's dead, she's even drier than before.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Genesis 18, 19, 20
Bargaining With the Lord
Abraham spends the afternoon sitting on the front porch of his desert tent drinking iced tea and playing a mouth harp when the Lord appears in a mirage. "I'd better hide," Abraham says. "God knows what other cherished body parts he's after now."
Suddenly, 3 men stand before him. Abraham recognizes them as the members of ZZ Top and offers them something to eat and a flying V to practice on. The strangers reiterate what God has already told Abraham, that despite Sarah's dry womb she will conceive a child. Sarah silently chuckles at the idea, but God hears her. "Helloooo?" God says. "Omnipotent deity here!"
Sarah says she didn't laugh. God says she did. Sarah says no. God says yes. No way, Sarah says. Yes way, God says. They play a round of rock, paper, scissors to decide who is right. God brilliantly plays The Avalanche and is declared the winner.
The Bible goes to commercial and when it returns, God is pissed that Sodom and Gomorrah are filled with sodomites and gomorrahites committing sodomy and gomorrahy, which is, like, 100 times worse than ordinary butt-fucking. God plans to destroy both cities instead of just telling everyone to go easy on the lube.
Abraham shows some balls for once and demands to know if God will destroy Sodomif there are fifty righteous men living there. "Shall not the judge of the Earth do right?" Abraham asks. If Abraham had read the Bible so far he would know the answer. (The answer, by the way, is "no.")
Surprisingly, God relents. "If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes," God says.
Abraham decides to push his luck. "Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five?"
"If I find there forty and five," God says, "I will not destroy it."
"What about 40?"
"All right," God says, "I'll give you forty."
"Thirty-five?"
God thinks. "You driveth a hard bargain. Thirty-five it is."
"Do I hear 30? What about 25? Ten?"
"All right, all right. If I can find 10 righteous men in all of Sodom I'll spare the city. Man, way to haggle, Abraham."
Lot Whores Out His Daughters
The story now turns to Lot, who, you may recall, lives in Sodom. Two angels visit his home and he invites them to stay the night. He regrets the offer immediately when their enormous wings knock over a display case of rare Franklin Mint plates.
News of the broken plates spreads quickly and the city's curio shop owners demand that the angels come outside for a little "talk." Lot, ever the gracious host, is reluctant to feed the angles to the angry mob, so does what anyone would do to protect total strangers: he offers up his 2 virgin daughters instead.
"I have 2 daughters which have not known man," Lot entices the crowd. "Let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof. Yea, my daughters are also under the shadow of my roof, but, you know, they're girls."
The crowd declines the generous offer. After all, they collect plates, if you know what I mean. The angles step in 3 paragraphs too late and blind everyone outside Lot's house. They then tell Lot to pack up his family and leave because God plans to destroy all of Sodom and Gomorrah.
"As soon as he searches for 10 righteous men, right?" Lot asks, knowing for humor's sake the pact between God and Abraham.
"Uh, sure," the angels say. "Yeah. Right after that."
Lot speaks to his sons-in-law, the ones who married his 2 virgin daughters. They mock Lot because they're living in Sodom and still not butt-fucking the virgin brides. Lot leaves them behind and takes his wife and virgin girls with him.
God tells them not to look back at Sodom as it's destroyed. He also wants them to escape to the mountains. Lot, however, wants to live in a nearby city. After some hemming and hawing, God agrees to an apartment close to the subway on 86th. "But don't look back!" he reminds them. Lot and family are too busy contemplating how much better the city will be than the mountains that they pay him no attention.
As they flee, Lot's wife looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt. That'll learn her to listen when God speaks.
Lot's Daughters Whore Themselves Out
After watching his wife turn to salt, Lot thinks it may not be in his best interest to live in the city after all and moves into a cave in the mountains. His daughters notice something odd right away: there aren't any men around. They devise a simple plan to pop their cherries. "Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father."
Uh--I just threw up in my mouth. Wait a minute. Hold on.
Blaaah! Okay. I'm back.
The sisters get Lot drunk and lay with him--
Urp! Hold on! Urp! All right.
Lot is so plastered he doesn't remember screwing his own daughters, so you know it must have been enjoyable for everyone involved.
Amazingly, both daughters conceive from the one-night stand and bear sons, Moab and Benammi. These genetic mutations serve as the patriarchs of two great biblical families: the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Abraham: Back to His Old Tricks
Abraham travels to Gerar and tells King Abimelech that his wife Sarah is really his sister, a lie that netted him lots of goodies the last time he told it. Despite Sarah's age, vaginal dryness, and barrenness, the king takes her as his wife. I guess she's still hot in a Sophia Loren, old lady kind of way.
Just like the last time, God is angry with the deceived for believing Abraham. "Thou art but a dead man, " God tells the king in a dream. Unlike the last time, God is easily talked out of his wrath by the apologetic king, but not before the Big Guy closes up the wombs of all the women of Gerar. It's an odd punishment, but hey, it wouldn't be the Bible if it made sense.
The king confronts Abraham demanding an explanation. Abraham offers a Clintonesque excuse: "And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife."
Uh--wait, it's coming up again. Urp!
Paging through the previous chapters, I don't see this relationship mentioned. My guess? Abraham is lying.
Still, the king is for some reason duty bound to give Abraham livestock, manservants, and a thousand pieces of silver. Abraham rubs his hands together and cackles, then prays to God. Miraculously, all the wombs that had been closed up earlier that morning are now opened. One whole day without wombs would have decimated the population, that's for sure.
Abraham spends the afternoon sitting on the front porch of his desert tent drinking iced tea and playing a mouth harp when the Lord appears in a mirage. "I'd better hide," Abraham says. "God knows what other cherished body parts he's after now."
Suddenly, 3 men stand before him. Abraham recognizes them as the members of ZZ Top and offers them something to eat and a flying V to practice on. The strangers reiterate what God has already told Abraham, that despite Sarah's dry womb she will conceive a child. Sarah silently chuckles at the idea, but God hears her. "Helloooo?" God says. "Omnipotent deity here!"
Sarah says she didn't laugh. God says she did. Sarah says no. God says yes. No way, Sarah says. Yes way, God says. They play a round of rock, paper, scissors to decide who is right. God brilliantly plays The Avalanche and is declared the winner.
The Bible goes to commercial and when it returns, God is pissed that Sodom and Gomorrah are filled with sodomites and gomorrahites committing sodomy and gomorrahy, which is, like, 100 times worse than ordinary butt-fucking. God plans to destroy both cities instead of just telling everyone to go easy on the lube.
Abraham shows some balls for once and demands to know if God will destroy Sodomif there are fifty righteous men living there. "Shall not the judge of the Earth do right?" Abraham asks. If Abraham had read the Bible so far he would know the answer. (The answer, by the way, is "no.")
Surprisingly, God relents. "If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes," God says.
Abraham decides to push his luck. "Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five?"
"If I find there forty and five," God says, "I will not destroy it."
"What about 40?"
"All right," God says, "I'll give you forty."
"Thirty-five?"
God thinks. "You driveth a hard bargain. Thirty-five it is."
"Do I hear 30? What about 25? Ten?"
"All right, all right. If I can find 10 righteous men in all of Sodom I'll spare the city. Man, way to haggle, Abraham."
Lot Whores Out His Daughters
The story now turns to Lot, who, you may recall, lives in Sodom. Two angels visit his home and he invites them to stay the night. He regrets the offer immediately when their enormous wings knock over a display case of rare Franklin Mint plates.
News of the broken plates spreads quickly and the city's curio shop owners demand that the angels come outside for a little "talk." Lot, ever the gracious host, is reluctant to feed the angles to the angry mob, so does what anyone would do to protect total strangers: he offers up his 2 virgin daughters instead.
"I have 2 daughters which have not known man," Lot entices the crowd. "Let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof. Yea, my daughters are also under the shadow of my roof, but, you know, they're girls."
The crowd declines the generous offer. After all, they collect plates, if you know what I mean. The angles step in 3 paragraphs too late and blind everyone outside Lot's house. They then tell Lot to pack up his family and leave because God plans to destroy all of Sodom and Gomorrah.
"As soon as he searches for 10 righteous men, right?" Lot asks, knowing for humor's sake the pact between God and Abraham.
"Uh, sure," the angels say. "Yeah. Right after that."
Lot speaks to his sons-in-law, the ones who married his 2 virgin daughters. They mock Lot because they're living in Sodom and still not butt-fucking the virgin brides. Lot leaves them behind and takes his wife and virgin girls with him.
God tells them not to look back at Sodom as it's destroyed. He also wants them to escape to the mountains. Lot, however, wants to live in a nearby city. After some hemming and hawing, God agrees to an apartment close to the subway on 86th. "But don't look back!" he reminds them. Lot and family are too busy contemplating how much better the city will be than the mountains that they pay him no attention.
As they flee, Lot's wife looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt. That'll learn her to listen when God speaks.
Lot's Daughters Whore Themselves Out
After watching his wife turn to salt, Lot thinks it may not be in his best interest to live in the city after all and moves into a cave in the mountains. His daughters notice something odd right away: there aren't any men around. They devise a simple plan to pop their cherries. "Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father."
Uh--I just threw up in my mouth. Wait a minute. Hold on.
Blaaah! Okay. I'm back.
The sisters get Lot drunk and lay with him--
Urp! Hold on! Urp! All right.
Lot is so plastered he doesn't remember screwing his own daughters, so you know it must have been enjoyable for everyone involved.
Amazingly, both daughters conceive from the one-night stand and bear sons, Moab and Benammi. These genetic mutations serve as the patriarchs of two great biblical families: the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Abraham: Back to His Old Tricks
Abraham travels to Gerar and tells King Abimelech that his wife Sarah is really his sister, a lie that netted him lots of goodies the last time he told it. Despite Sarah's age, vaginal dryness, and barrenness, the king takes her as his wife. I guess she's still hot in a Sophia Loren, old lady kind of way.
Just like the last time, God is angry with the deceived for believing Abraham. "Thou art but a dead man, " God tells the king in a dream. Unlike the last time, God is easily talked out of his wrath by the apologetic king, but not before the Big Guy closes up the wombs of all the women of Gerar. It's an odd punishment, but hey, it wouldn't be the Bible if it made sense.
The king confronts Abraham demanding an explanation. Abraham offers a Clintonesque excuse: "And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife."
Uh--wait, it's coming up again. Urp!
Paging through the previous chapters, I don't see this relationship mentioned. My guess? Abraham is lying.
Still, the king is for some reason duty bound to give Abraham livestock, manservants, and a thousand pieces of silver. Abraham rubs his hands together and cackles, then prays to God. Miraculously, all the wombs that had been closed up earlier that morning are now opened. One whole day without wombs would have decimated the population, that's for sure.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Genesis 15, 16, 17
Take My Wife's Handmaiden, Please!
God comes to Abram in a vision with this declaration: "I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward." Abram says sure, but what have you done for me lately? "What wilt thou give me," Abram asks God, "seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus? I mean he had great references and all, but the guy can't make a decent hospital corner for shit."
Abram's big problem is that he'll be heirsless because Sarai is barren. "Who will converse with my all-knowing and mean-sprited imaginary friend after I'm gone?" Abram asks a dancing broom. God assures Abram that he'll have tons of descendants, as many as there are stars in the sky, which, per Genesis 1, may or may not be a lot. To seal the pact, Abram slaughters a 3-year-old heifer, a 3-year-old she-goat, a 3-year-old ram, a turtledove, a young pigeon, four calling birds, three French hens, and a partridge in a pear tree, and stacks them up for God's midnight snack. He then falls asleep and has that same dream where he's hosting a dinner party for the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Rephaims, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites, and the Jebusites, and he answers the door naked. He wakes up screaming.
But Sarai isn't waiting for God to solve the apparent heir problem. She has whipped up an innovative plan: she will give her handmaiden, Hagar, to Abram as his wife. Abram reluctantly agrees, then turns around, pumps his fist, and mouths "Yeeessss!" For those of you keeping count, Abram has pimped out his wife to the pharaoh, started a war, and tricked Lot into buying lake front property in Sodom, and now he's a bigamist. Is there any wonder why this guy is the patriarch of 3 great religions?
Once pregnant, Hagar can't stand the sight of Sarai, because Sarai is hot and Hargar's ankles are swollen. Sarai thinks Hagar should be more grateful to her. After all, how many handmaidens get the opportunity to be forced into marriage with an already married 86 year old just so he can have kids that he'll probably take from her and raise with his first wife? Why it's a dream come true! For some reason Hagar disagrees, and flees the swinging couple. A bit too late, in my opinion.
The angel of the Lord, who has taken quite the backseat over the last few months, finds Hagar by a fountain in the woods and sends her right back to Saria with the promise that if she obeys Sarai's commands she may one day get to have sex with Abram again. Hell, she may even get a to blow him!
The angel also uses God's omnipotent ultrasound and tells Hagar that she's having a boy, and that his name will be Ishmael. "And he will be a wild man," the angel says. "His hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. If you catch my drift. Wink wink. Know what I meaneth? Dost I have to spell it out for thee? He'll be gay! And you knoweth how much God hateth that."
And guess what? Hagar has a boy and names him Ishmael. Wow! The angel of the Lord nails a fifty-fifty guess! What are the odds of that?
About fifty-fifty.
Just Take a Little Off the Top
The Lord changes Abram's name to Abraham and Sarai's name to Sarah. Now they have to order new checks and stand in line at the DMV again. Thanks, Lord.
But the name change is a minor annoyance compared to what God has planned for Abraham. Get this: in exchange for all the land that God has already promised him and for which Abraham has built many an altar and slaughtered many an animal, Abraham must now cut off a piece of his dick for the Lord. A piece of his dick! A. Piece. Of. His. Dick. Let's let that sink in.
All right. My testicles have descended. Let's pick up the story where we left off:
But God's not done. Not only does Abraham have to go under the dick knife, so does every newborn male when he's 8 days old, every male born of his house regardless of age, and any male bought with money. Bought with money? Now there are slaves involved? What the hell is going on here?
Turns out that a mutilated dick is the only way of knowing who in the community has agreed to God's covenant. Abraham instantly regrets founding his nation in a nudist colony. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, what with all the boobies around.
So Abraham circumcises himself--yes, he circumcises himself--his 13-year-old son Ishmael, all the males in his family, and all his slaves. It was a busy, painful day.
But God's still not done. Despite all the drama with Hagar bearing Abraham a son, God decides that now would be a good time for Sarah to conceive.
"But I just cut off a piece of my dick," Abraham complains to God, "and now you want me to have sex?"
God comes to Abram in a vision with this declaration: "I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward." Abram says sure, but what have you done for me lately? "What wilt thou give me," Abram asks God, "seeing I go childless, and the steward of my house is this Eliezer of Damascus? I mean he had great references and all, but the guy can't make a decent hospital corner for shit."
Abram's big problem is that he'll be heirsless because Sarai is barren. "Who will converse with my all-knowing and mean-sprited imaginary friend after I'm gone?" Abram asks a dancing broom. God assures Abram that he'll have tons of descendants, as many as there are stars in the sky, which, per Genesis 1, may or may not be a lot. To seal the pact, Abram slaughters a 3-year-old heifer, a 3-year-old she-goat, a 3-year-old ram, a turtledove, a young pigeon, four calling birds, three French hens, and a partridge in a pear tree, and stacks them up for God's midnight snack. He then falls asleep and has that same dream where he's hosting a dinner party for the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Rephaims, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites, and the Jebusites, and he answers the door naked. He wakes up screaming.
But Sarai isn't waiting for God to solve the apparent heir problem. She has whipped up an innovative plan: she will give her handmaiden, Hagar, to Abram as his wife. Abram reluctantly agrees, then turns around, pumps his fist, and mouths "Yeeessss!" For those of you keeping count, Abram has pimped out his wife to the pharaoh, started a war, and tricked Lot into buying lake front property in Sodom, and now he's a bigamist. Is there any wonder why this guy is the patriarch of 3 great religions?
Once pregnant, Hagar can't stand the sight of Sarai, because Sarai is hot and Hargar's ankles are swollen. Sarai thinks Hagar should be more grateful to her. After all, how many handmaidens get the opportunity to be forced into marriage with an already married 86 year old just so he can have kids that he'll probably take from her and raise with his first wife? Why it's a dream come true! For some reason Hagar disagrees, and flees the swinging couple. A bit too late, in my opinion.
The angel of the Lord, who has taken quite the backseat over the last few months, finds Hagar by a fountain in the woods and sends her right back to Saria with the promise that if she obeys Sarai's commands she may one day get to have sex with Abram again. Hell, she may even get a to blow him!
The angel also uses God's omnipotent ultrasound and tells Hagar that she's having a boy, and that his name will be Ishmael. "And he will be a wild man," the angel says. "His hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren. If you catch my drift. Wink wink. Know what I meaneth? Dost I have to spell it out for thee? He'll be gay! And you knoweth how much God hateth that."
And guess what? Hagar has a boy and names him Ishmael. Wow! The angel of the Lord nails a fifty-fifty guess! What are the odds of that?
About fifty-fifty.
Just Take a Little Off the Top
The Lord changes Abram's name to Abraham and Sarai's name to Sarah. Now they have to order new checks and stand in line at the DMV again. Thanks, Lord.
But the name change is a minor annoyance compared to what God has planned for Abraham. Get this: in exchange for all the land that God has already promised him and for which Abraham has built many an altar and slaughtered many an animal, Abraham must now cut off a piece of his dick for the Lord. A piece of his dick! A. Piece. Of. His. Dick. Let's let that sink in.
All right. My testicles have descended. Let's pick up the story where we left off:
But God's not done. Not only does Abraham have to go under the dick knife, so does every newborn male when he's 8 days old, every male born of his house regardless of age, and any male bought with money. Bought with money? Now there are slaves involved? What the hell is going on here?
Turns out that a mutilated dick is the only way of knowing who in the community has agreed to God's covenant. Abraham instantly regrets founding his nation in a nudist colony. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, what with all the boobies around.
So Abraham circumcises himself--yes, he circumcises himself--his 13-year-old son Ishmael, all the males in his family, and all his slaves. It was a busy, painful day.
But God's still not done. Despite all the drama with Hagar bearing Abraham a son, God decides that now would be a good time for Sarah to conceive.
"But I just cut off a piece of my dick," Abraham complains to God, "and now you want me to have sex?"
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Genesis 12, 13, 14
Take My Wife, Please
Abram, Saria, and Lot are in Haran when God springs a blessing on Abram.
"I will bless them that bless thee," God says to Abram, "and curse he that curseth thee. Except for the Germans. They can pretty much doeth what they wanteeth to thee."
The group moves to Canaan, and no sooner have the delivery camels left than God drops by unannounced with a tent-warming gift to end all tent-warming gifts: the deed to all of Canaan, which is strange considering that other people already live there. History tells us though that it isn't worth the imaginary paper it's not written on. "Unto they seed will I give this land," God says. "Me or the United Nations General Assembly Resolution 181. Same thing, really." As thanks, Abram builds an altar to the Lord.
Suffering from wanderlust, Abram and Sarai travel to Egypt. Sarai, though, is evidently quite hot, and Abram fears that the Egyptian men will kill him just to have a shot at her. So Abram comes up with a foolproof plan: he tells the Egyptians that Sarai is his sister and singlehandedly creates the stereotype of the Jew as scheming businessman. The Egyptian pharaoh falls for it and pays Abram a dowry of sheep, oxen, asses, manservants, maidservants, she-asses, and camels. Abram tells Sarai to have fun as the pharaoh's concubine and pages through his address book for the names of other female relatives he can whore out.
God, ever the chivalrous deity, visits great plagues upon the pharaoh for actually believing Abram. The pharaoh, understandably pissed at being punished because he was lied to, gives Saria back to Abram and sends them on their way. From then on he makes sure that he asks for at least two forms of identification before trading animals for concubines.
Go East, Young Man
Now Abram is rich for his trickery; Lot is too. Abram suspects that Lot made his fortune from infomericials telling people how they too can make a money from their one-bedroom tents by placing small ads in newspapers, but he can't prove it. Because they're both rich, well-fed, and contented, and because this is the Bible, they begin to squabble over cattle. Abram and Lot split the land up by playing one-potato-two. Abram gets Canaan and Lot strikes out to the east for Sodom, which turns out not to be such a good deal. Maybe Lot should have talked to the pharaoh before agreeing to anything with Abram.
God reaffirms his promise to Abram that this land will forever be in the family. Unless, you know, an act of God takes it all away or something. Abram builds another altar to the Lord. Seems like the word is out that the Lord likes altars and that's all anyone ever gives him, kind of like your grandmother and cat-themed gifts.
War! What's it Good For? Advancing the Plot!
Chapter 14 is a complete mess and impossible to follow. But it involves a war, so you know it'll end in bloodshed. And God loves bloodshed.
Here's how the chapter starts:
"And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations; That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar."
Got that? Good. Because now it gets tricky.
"All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea. Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled. And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim, And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.
"And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar. And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim; With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.
"And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain. And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way. And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed."
All right, then. Now that that's out of the way, let's get back to the story.
Lot is captured in one of those battles. Abram--who for some reason is described as Lot's brother, even though he's Lot's uncle--is mighty upset over Lot's imprisonment and trains his servants to be killing machines. Abram is, of course, victorious and the king of Sodom returns from his mountainous exile and lavishes riches on him. Abram declines the offer because he doesn't want the king to have bragging rights to his fortune.
"Unless you want my wife," Abram says. "I mean, my sister. Yeah, she's totally my sister. Got any she-oxen?"
Abram, Saria, and Lot are in Haran when God springs a blessing on Abram.
"I will bless them that bless thee," God says to Abram, "and curse he that curseth thee. Except for the Germans. They can pretty much doeth what they wanteeth to thee."
The group moves to Canaan, and no sooner have the delivery camels left than God drops by unannounced with a tent-warming gift to end all tent-warming gifts: the deed to all of Canaan, which is strange considering that other people already live there. History tells us though that it isn't worth the imaginary paper it's not written on. "Unto they seed will I give this land," God says. "Me or the United Nations General Assembly Resolution 181. Same thing, really." As thanks, Abram builds an altar to the Lord.
Suffering from wanderlust, Abram and Sarai travel to Egypt. Sarai, though, is evidently quite hot, and Abram fears that the Egyptian men will kill him just to have a shot at her. So Abram comes up with a foolproof plan: he tells the Egyptians that Sarai is his sister and singlehandedly creates the stereotype of the Jew as scheming businessman. The Egyptian pharaoh falls for it and pays Abram a dowry of sheep, oxen, asses, manservants, maidservants, she-asses, and camels. Abram tells Sarai to have fun as the pharaoh's concubine and pages through his address book for the names of other female relatives he can whore out.
God, ever the chivalrous deity, visits great plagues upon the pharaoh for actually believing Abram. The pharaoh, understandably pissed at being punished because he was lied to, gives Saria back to Abram and sends them on their way. From then on he makes sure that he asks for at least two forms of identification before trading animals for concubines.
Go East, Young Man
Now Abram is rich for his trickery; Lot is too. Abram suspects that Lot made his fortune from infomericials telling people how they too can make a money from their one-bedroom tents by placing small ads in newspapers, but he can't prove it. Because they're both rich, well-fed, and contented, and because this is the Bible, they begin to squabble over cattle. Abram and Lot split the land up by playing one-potato-two. Abram gets Canaan and Lot strikes out to the east for Sodom, which turns out not to be such a good deal. Maybe Lot should have talked to the pharaoh before agreeing to anything with Abram.
God reaffirms his promise to Abram that this land will forever be in the family. Unless, you know, an act of God takes it all away or something. Abram builds another altar to the Lord. Seems like the word is out that the Lord likes altars and that's all anyone ever gives him, kind of like your grandmother and cat-themed gifts.
War! What's it Good For? Advancing the Plot!
Chapter 14 is a complete mess and impossible to follow. But it involves a war, so you know it'll end in bloodshed. And God loves bloodshed.
Here's how the chapter starts:
"And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations; That these made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar."
Got that? Good. Because now it gets tricky.
"All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea. Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled. And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that were with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emins in Shaveh Kiriathaim, And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which is by the wilderness.
"And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which is Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar. And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same is Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim; With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.
"And the vale of Siddim was full of slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain. And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way. And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed."
All right, then. Now that that's out of the way, let's get back to the story.
Lot is captured in one of those battles. Abram--who for some reason is described as Lot's brother, even though he's Lot's uncle--is mighty upset over Lot's imprisonment and trains his servants to be killing machines. Abram is, of course, victorious and the king of Sodom returns from his mountainous exile and lavishes riches on him. Abram declines the offer because he doesn't want the king to have bragging rights to his fortune.
"Unless you want my wife," Abram says. "I mean, my sister. Yeah, she's totally my sister. Got any she-oxen?"
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Genesis 9, 10, 11
Kill and Be Killed
God repeats to Noah and his sons the totally awesome advice that worked so well for Adam and Eve: knock boots like there's no tomorrow, and make sure to ride bareback. "Only this time," God says, "could you tone down the wicked progeny a hair? It's a bitch to get mud out of this long white beard."
That Noah's nuclear family is the only one left on the planet means that the human race is descended from Noah, a sinless, just man, and not from those sinful, fruit-eating malcontents Adam and Eve. If we were all sinners because Adam and Eve were, then we must all be sinless and just because Noah was. Whew! What a load off my mind that is!
But God can't let Noah and his sons go off to make the beast with two backs with their wives before talking their fool ears off. After all, God hasn't spoken to Noah in year. So much has happened. Where to start?
Well, God tells them that all the animals are delivered into their hands, but that they shouldn't eat of flesh that has blood in it. Noah doesn't exactly know what that means but hopes it has nothing to do with cunnilingus. He really wants to earn his red wings.
God says that anyone who kills another man will himself be killed by other men, which will set off a recursive loop of never ending bloodshed. Unless, of course, no one ever kills anyone again.
Like I said, never ending bloodshed.
Then God does something that emboldens homosexuals generations from now: he creates rainbows. The rainbow symbolizes God's promise that he will never again destroy the whole world with a flood, only large parts of it, with the help of the US Army Corps of Engineers and underwater earthquakes. That rainbows appear only after a rainfall trips Noah's irony alarm, but God doesn't "get" irony, so Noah let's it drop.
Everyone settles into life after the flood. Noah takes up winemaking, because if anyone needs a drink, he does. He proceeds to get shit faced and passes out naked in his tent after playing the bongos along with the Dead's American Beauty. Ham, Noah's middle son, stumbles in on the ugly scene and quickly tattles on dad to his two brothers, Shem and Japheth. In what surely is the first improv skit in the Bible, the brothers wrap a blanket around their shoulders and walk backward into Noah's tent to cover the old man up so they don't see his hairy peter. Just before they lay the blanket down, a bell rings and Shem and Japheth now pretend to be Austrian bounty hunters trapped in a comedic Broadway murder-mystery.
Noah wakes up hungover, checks his nanny cam, and discovers that Ham saw the Marie Claire magazines he was jerking it to before "Casey Jones" came on. Noah does the only rational thing: he curses Ham's son, Canaan, to be the servant of his uncle Japheth. Adding insult to injury, God decides "to enlarge" Japheth, just so it hurts a little more when he sodomizes his nephew.
Speak Now or Forever Need a Translator
The sons of Japheth's, Noah's youngest son, are called out. It's a list that would strike fear into every grade-school teacher in America. "Is Abim-a-el here? Am I pronouncing that right? A-bim-a-el? No? A-bim-a-el? Why don't I just call you Abe, ok?"
The one cool name in the interminable list? Nimrod. One of Japheth's descendants is named Nimrod. That's it. No joke. Nimrod. Just Nimrod.
The kids scatter and form every nation on earth, and everyone speaks the same language. But the nations get together to build a city and--get this--a tower. A really tall tower. The thing towers, you know? It's tall. It's built of brick and slime. It's like the coolest thing ever! The people are stoked. A tower! Yay!
Of course, the tower annoys the snot out of God.
"Behold, the people is one," God says, "and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
Yes, now that the people have Tower Technology, when will the madness end? Two-story homes? Ferris wheels? Fire engines with those telescoping ladders? Madness, I say. Madness!
Fearing something--the Bible is scare on details--God punishes the tower-building nations by confounding their language so that no one can understand each other. He then scatters the people across the globe. Again. because they already were scattered across the globe to begin with. And that's the story of how New York was founded.
To wrap up chapter 11, all the descendants of Shem, Noah's oldest son, are listed. It's as annoying and tedious as Japheth's list, but the last few names are important. There's Terah, who sires Abram, Nahor, and Haran. Haran before his father does, but still manages to have children: sons named Lot and Iscah and a daughter named Milcah. Milcah marries her uncle Nahor, a creepy development in a long line of unsettling occurrences; Abram marries Sarai, who, we're told, is barren. TMI, Sarai. TMI.
Terah decides to take this one third incestuous little group to into the land of Canaan by way of Haran, where Terah dies of embarrassment because he knows Sarai is barren.
Canaan, you may recall, is the eponymous land of the cursed ass-boy son of Ham.
What could possibly go wrong there?
God repeats to Noah and his sons the totally awesome advice that worked so well for Adam and Eve: knock boots like there's no tomorrow, and make sure to ride bareback. "Only this time," God says, "could you tone down the wicked progeny a hair? It's a bitch to get mud out of this long white beard."
That Noah's nuclear family is the only one left on the planet means that the human race is descended from Noah, a sinless, just man, and not from those sinful, fruit-eating malcontents Adam and Eve. If we were all sinners because Adam and Eve were, then we must all be sinless and just because Noah was. Whew! What a load off my mind that is!
But God can't let Noah and his sons go off to make the beast with two backs with their wives before talking their fool ears off. After all, God hasn't spoken to Noah in year. So much has happened. Where to start?
Well, God tells them that all the animals are delivered into their hands, but that they shouldn't eat of flesh that has blood in it. Noah doesn't exactly know what that means but hopes it has nothing to do with cunnilingus. He really wants to earn his red wings.
God says that anyone who kills another man will himself be killed by other men, which will set off a recursive loop of never ending bloodshed. Unless, of course, no one ever kills anyone again.
Like I said, never ending bloodshed.
Then God does something that emboldens homosexuals generations from now: he creates rainbows. The rainbow symbolizes God's promise that he will never again destroy the whole world with a flood, only large parts of it, with the help of the US Army Corps of Engineers and underwater earthquakes. That rainbows appear only after a rainfall trips Noah's irony alarm, but God doesn't "get" irony, so Noah let's it drop.
Everyone settles into life after the flood. Noah takes up winemaking, because if anyone needs a drink, he does. He proceeds to get shit faced and passes out naked in his tent after playing the bongos along with the Dead's American Beauty. Ham, Noah's middle son, stumbles in on the ugly scene and quickly tattles on dad to his two brothers, Shem and Japheth. In what surely is the first improv skit in the Bible, the brothers wrap a blanket around their shoulders and walk backward into Noah's tent to cover the old man up so they don't see his hairy peter. Just before they lay the blanket down, a bell rings and Shem and Japheth now pretend to be Austrian bounty hunters trapped in a comedic Broadway murder-mystery.
Noah wakes up hungover, checks his nanny cam, and discovers that Ham saw the Marie Claire magazines he was jerking it to before "Casey Jones" came on. Noah does the only rational thing: he curses Ham's son, Canaan, to be the servant of his uncle Japheth. Adding insult to injury, God decides "to enlarge" Japheth, just so it hurts a little more when he sodomizes his nephew.
Speak Now or Forever Need a Translator
The sons of Japheth's, Noah's youngest son, are called out. It's a list that would strike fear into every grade-school teacher in America. "Is Abim-a-el here? Am I pronouncing that right? A-bim-a-el? No? A-bim-a-el? Why don't I just call you Abe, ok?"
The one cool name in the interminable list? Nimrod. One of Japheth's descendants is named Nimrod. That's it. No joke. Nimrod. Just Nimrod.
The kids scatter and form every nation on earth, and everyone speaks the same language. But the nations get together to build a city and--get this--a tower. A really tall tower. The thing towers, you know? It's tall. It's built of brick and slime. It's like the coolest thing ever! The people are stoked. A tower! Yay!
Of course, the tower annoys the snot out of God.
"Behold, the people is one," God says, "and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
Yes, now that the people have Tower Technology, when will the madness end? Two-story homes? Ferris wheels? Fire engines with those telescoping ladders? Madness, I say. Madness!
Fearing something--the Bible is scare on details--God punishes the tower-building nations by confounding their language so that no one can understand each other. He then scatters the people across the globe. Again. because they already were scattered across the globe to begin with. And that's the story of how New York was founded.
To wrap up chapter 11, all the descendants of Shem, Noah's oldest son, are listed. It's as annoying and tedious as Japheth's list, but the last few names are important. There's Terah, who sires Abram, Nahor, and Haran. Haran before his father does, but still manages to have children: sons named Lot and Iscah and a daughter named Milcah. Milcah marries her uncle Nahor, a creepy development in a long line of unsettling occurrences; Abram marries Sarai, who, we're told, is barren. TMI, Sarai. TMI.
Terah decides to take this one third incestuous little group to into the land of Canaan by way of Haran, where Terah dies of embarrassment because he knows Sarai is barren.
Canaan, you may recall, is the eponymous land of the cursed ass-boy son of Ham.
What could possibly go wrong there?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Genesis 6, 7, 8
You Don't Need a Deity to Know Which Way the Wind Blows
God does not like what his creation has done with the earth. Man is so wicked that God regrets creating him and decides to start fresh with a whole new group of people to disappoint him. By my count, this makes try number 3. Third time's the charm, Lord! Good luck! But here's a creation tip, God: next time, forgo the trees hung with sin fruit. Just a suggestion.
God's plan to re-create creation? Flood the earth, killing everything. Except the fish and sea mammals. They would keep on swimming. Maybe the ocean waters baptized them all thousands of years before the concept was invented, cleansing them of Original Sin. Makes as much sense as anything else.
But Noah, it turns out, pleases God. Noah is the only just person on the entire earth. Well, Noah and his wife. Uh, and his three sons. And, um, their wives. Hmm. Maybe if God looked around some more he could fine enough just people to commission a flotilla of arks. That way there would be enough room for all the frigging insects in the world.
God commands Noah to build a boat that's 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits tall. Doesn't sound that big until you realize that each cubit is approximately 18 inches. That makes Noah's ark an astounding 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet tall! Cartoons and coloring books about Noah always have the guy building the ship with his family as the community mocks their efforts as a waste of time. That doesn't actually happen. It's a good addition to the story, though. Adds drama and irony.
Here's a question: how long do you think it would take one man and his three sons to build such a monstrous boat? A few months? Years? A lifetime?
Nah, 7 days. I just hope Noah was in the arkbuilder's union, because that's a lot of overtime right there.
These Elephants Are Driving Me Crazy!
God, ever the control freak, instructs Noah to make a window in the ark--just one; wouldn't want to let the stink out--and a door on one side. "A door?" says Noah. "Great idea. I knew it was missing something."
Chapter 6 ends with God telling Noah to gather 2 of every animal, but chapter 7 begins with God telling Noah to gather 7 of each clean beast and fowl and 2 of each unclean beast. A conservative estimate sets the number of species on Earth today at 1.4 million. Because evolution is junk science and current species owe their lives to Noah, Noah must bring at least 2.8 million animals on the ark. Unless you go by the 7 of each clean beast and fowl, which pumps up the number a wee bit. When you factor in the food for Noah, his family, and the beasts--including beasts for the beasts that eat other beasts, which means that Noah would have had to gather more than 2 (or 7) of some animals just to feed to the other animals and his family--and that Noah's on the ark for a whole year, suddenly that huge boat isn't nearly big enough. The thing would have to be the goddamned Death Star.
Noah loads everyone up in his stinky too-small ark, closes the door and the one window, and tries to avoid the man-eating tigers while ignoring the thousands of drowning people who bang on the hull and plead for mercy. "Fuck 'em," Noah tells a giant panda, which is munching the first of 20 pounds of bamboo he'll eat every day for the next 365 days. "Should've been more just."
Noah's menagerie floats around the Earth for 7 months and finally runs aground only a few hundred miles north, on the tip of Mount Ararat in Turkey. Noah tells everyone not to move for 3 months lest the precariously balanced ark tip and all the pungent feces and urine spill out the window.
Noah watches the waters recede from atop the mountain for 3 more months, wishing all the while that he had brought Mindsweeper with him because he's sick of playing Travel Mastermind with his wife. He sends a raven out to find a hint of dry land, but the bird comes back empty-beaked. He releases a dove, which comes back with an olive leaf. "Christ," Noah says, "I'm in fucking Greece."
Finally, the land is dry, and the Lord allows everyone off the ark. Thankful that the Big Guy allowed him to gather and keep so many animals for so long , Noah kills and cooks some of them as burnt offerings to the Lord. Noah chooses a Tyrannosaurus Rex and an Australopithecus afarensis.
Pleased by the easy explanation the offering provides, God makes Noah a promise: "I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done."
Fortunately, there are still gobs of ways left for God to punish his creations. We'll be reading about those in future chapters.
God does not like what his creation has done with the earth. Man is so wicked that God regrets creating him and decides to start fresh with a whole new group of people to disappoint him. By my count, this makes try number 3. Third time's the charm, Lord! Good luck! But here's a creation tip, God: next time, forgo the trees hung with sin fruit. Just a suggestion.
God's plan to re-create creation? Flood the earth, killing everything. Except the fish and sea mammals. They would keep on swimming. Maybe the ocean waters baptized them all thousands of years before the concept was invented, cleansing them of Original Sin. Makes as much sense as anything else.
But Noah, it turns out, pleases God. Noah is the only just person on the entire earth. Well, Noah and his wife. Uh, and his three sons. And, um, their wives. Hmm. Maybe if God looked around some more he could fine enough just people to commission a flotilla of arks. That way there would be enough room for all the frigging insects in the world.
God commands Noah to build a boat that's 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits tall. Doesn't sound that big until you realize that each cubit is approximately 18 inches. That makes Noah's ark an astounding 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet tall! Cartoons and coloring books about Noah always have the guy building the ship with his family as the community mocks their efforts as a waste of time. That doesn't actually happen. It's a good addition to the story, though. Adds drama and irony.
Here's a question: how long do you think it would take one man and his three sons to build such a monstrous boat? A few months? Years? A lifetime?
Nah, 7 days. I just hope Noah was in the arkbuilder's union, because that's a lot of overtime right there.
These Elephants Are Driving Me Crazy!
God, ever the control freak, instructs Noah to make a window in the ark--just one; wouldn't want to let the stink out--and a door on one side. "A door?" says Noah. "Great idea. I knew it was missing something."
Chapter 6 ends with God telling Noah to gather 2 of every animal, but chapter 7 begins with God telling Noah to gather 7 of each clean beast and fowl and 2 of each unclean beast. A conservative estimate sets the number of species on Earth today at 1.4 million. Because evolution is junk science and current species owe their lives to Noah, Noah must bring at least 2.8 million animals on the ark. Unless you go by the 7 of each clean beast and fowl, which pumps up the number a wee bit. When you factor in the food for Noah, his family, and the beasts--including beasts for the beasts that eat other beasts, which means that Noah would have had to gather more than 2 (or 7) of some animals just to feed to the other animals and his family--and that Noah's on the ark for a whole year, suddenly that huge boat isn't nearly big enough. The thing would have to be the goddamned Death Star.
Noah loads everyone up in his stinky too-small ark, closes the door and the one window, and tries to avoid the man-eating tigers while ignoring the thousands of drowning people who bang on the hull and plead for mercy. "Fuck 'em," Noah tells a giant panda, which is munching the first of 20 pounds of bamboo he'll eat every day for the next 365 days. "Should've been more just."
Noah's menagerie floats around the Earth for 7 months and finally runs aground only a few hundred miles north, on the tip of Mount Ararat in Turkey. Noah tells everyone not to move for 3 months lest the precariously balanced ark tip and all the pungent feces and urine spill out the window.
Noah watches the waters recede from atop the mountain for 3 more months, wishing all the while that he had brought Mindsweeper with him because he's sick of playing Travel Mastermind with his wife. He sends a raven out to find a hint of dry land, but the bird comes back empty-beaked. He releases a dove, which comes back with an olive leaf. "Christ," Noah says, "I'm in fucking Greece."
Finally, the land is dry, and the Lord allows everyone off the ark. Thankful that the Big Guy allowed him to gather and keep so many animals for so long , Noah kills and cooks some of them as burnt offerings to the Lord. Noah chooses a Tyrannosaurus Rex and an Australopithecus afarensis.
Pleased by the easy explanation the offering provides, God makes Noah a promise: "I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done."
Fortunately, there are still gobs of ways left for God to punish his creations. We'll be reading about those in future chapters.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Genesis 4, 5
Adam Raised a Cain
Only 4 chapters in and we have our first homicide! Something tells me there's lots more to come.
Chapter 4 begins with the most sterile description of sex ever written: Adam knew Eve (wink wink) and Cain was born. An indeterminate time later, Adam knows Eve again and Abel follows. That Adam is a sure shot. Only two knowings and he has two kids.
Abel grows up to tend sheep; Cain becomes a farmer. The brothers make an offering of their livelihood to God, but God rejects Cain's lame salad, citing the lack of ranch dressing, and fawns over Abel's sheep. To make matters worse, God chastises Cain for the sad look on his salad-making face:
"And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door."
Why is Cain's countenance fallen? Jeez, maybe because he spent all morning making you a salad and you turn your nose--or similar ethereal body part--up at it? What did God expect Cain to make him? The dude's a farmer. What an ingrate.
Upset over the rejection, Cain does what anyone would do: he kills his brother because God hated his salad. This ticks off God, who curses the ground so Cain is unable to grow any food--a definite negative for a farmer--and makes him a fugitive from his homeland, condemning Cain to chase a one-armed man for 4 seasons.
Cain complains to God that if people find out he has been cursed they will kill him. God does the only reasonable thing and puts a huge mark on Cain that warns others that they will die if they kill him. That will certainly endear Cain to his new neighbors.
Cain moves to the land of Nod where he shoots heroin and marries a woman he met--wait a minute! Cain marries someone? Where the hell did she come from? Did I miss a creation somewhere? Maybe not.
Remember how God re-created all the animals and man and woman after his initial 7-day creationpalooza? What if God didn't wipe away his first experiment in populating the earth and the man and woman had kids? Let's just say that it did happen to neatly tie up that plot hole and get back to this stirring story of brotherly love.
Oh, wait. That's the end of the story.
Family Sequoia
The rest of chapter 4 lists all of Cain descendants. They include Jabal, the father of those who dwell in tents and have cattle, which I'm guessing was pretty much everyone back then; Jubal, the father of all who play the harp and organ, which I'm sure were the favored instruments among the nomadic peoples; and Tubalcain, the man who taught everyone how to make things out of brass and iron, and the guy to blame for those annoying craftspeople hawking their wares at Renaissance Fairs.
Chapter 5 consists of the genealogy of Noah. It seems that Adam and Eve, at the feisty age of 130, have another son named Seth, who lives to be 912. His descendants are similarly long lived--Enos dies at 905, Methuselah 969--and millennia later Noah is born.
The prophecy is that Noah will be the one to finally lift the curse of the sterile ground caused by Cain's fratricide. They're right, but not in the way they think. Unfortunately, the prophecy does not include a gentle reminder to buy flood insurance.
Up next: the invention of the raincoat.
Only 4 chapters in and we have our first homicide! Something tells me there's lots more to come.
Chapter 4 begins with the most sterile description of sex ever written: Adam knew Eve (wink wink) and Cain was born. An indeterminate time later, Adam knows Eve again and Abel follows. That Adam is a sure shot. Only two knowings and he has two kids.
Abel grows up to tend sheep; Cain becomes a farmer. The brothers make an offering of their livelihood to God, but God rejects Cain's lame salad, citing the lack of ranch dressing, and fawns over Abel's sheep. To make matters worse, God chastises Cain for the sad look on his salad-making face:
"And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door."
Why is Cain's countenance fallen? Jeez, maybe because he spent all morning making you a salad and you turn your nose--or similar ethereal body part--up at it? What did God expect Cain to make him? The dude's a farmer. What an ingrate.
Upset over the rejection, Cain does what anyone would do: he kills his brother because God hated his salad. This ticks off God, who curses the ground so Cain is unable to grow any food--a definite negative for a farmer--and makes him a fugitive from his homeland, condemning Cain to chase a one-armed man for 4 seasons.
Cain complains to God that if people find out he has been cursed they will kill him. God does the only reasonable thing and puts a huge mark on Cain that warns others that they will die if they kill him. That will certainly endear Cain to his new neighbors.
Cain moves to the land of Nod where he shoots heroin and marries a woman he met--wait a minute! Cain marries someone? Where the hell did she come from? Did I miss a creation somewhere? Maybe not.
Remember how God re-created all the animals and man and woman after his initial 7-day creationpalooza? What if God didn't wipe away his first experiment in populating the earth and the man and woman had kids? Let's just say that it did happen to neatly tie up that plot hole and get back to this stirring story of brotherly love.
Oh, wait. That's the end of the story.
Family Sequoia
The rest of chapter 4 lists all of Cain descendants. They include Jabal, the father of those who dwell in tents and have cattle, which I'm guessing was pretty much everyone back then; Jubal, the father of all who play the harp and organ, which I'm sure were the favored instruments among the nomadic peoples; and Tubalcain, the man who taught everyone how to make things out of brass and iron, and the guy to blame for those annoying craftspeople hawking their wares at Renaissance Fairs.
Chapter 5 consists of the genealogy of Noah. It seems that Adam and Eve, at the feisty age of 130, have another son named Seth, who lives to be 912. His descendants are similarly long lived--Enos dies at 905, Methuselah 969--and millennia later Noah is born.
The prophecy is that Noah will be the one to finally lift the curse of the sterile ground caused by Cain's fratricide. They're right, but not in the way they think. Unfortunately, the prophecy does not include a gentle reminder to buy flood insurance.
Up next: the invention of the raincoat.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Genesis 1, 2, 3
We Are the World
I thought I would get through a few pages of Genesis without reading something surprising. After all, everyone knows the Christian creation myth. God creates the heaven--yes, it's singular--and the earth and all the animals and then Adam and Eve. Someone eats something he shouldn't and the party comes to an end. Pretty straightforward, right?
But I did a double-take on the last line of page one: "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness." What's this, now? Our likeness? As in more than one God? Is this some reference to the Trinity--God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (nee Ghost)--at the beginning of a book supposedly written by Moses? Some might see it as prophesy; I see it as either bad copyediting or polytheism. I can't decide which is worse.
God pluralizes himself more than once in Genesis. The Big Man must have a regular commune of jealous gods up there in heaven. I think the Lord is a self-important blowhard and pumps up his numbers just to frighten people. Yeah, that makes sense.
God Makes the World...
Imagine the first line of Genesis 1 in the Star Wars crawl backed by a John Williams score and it's awesome: "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth." As long as Ewoks don't show up, this will be the greatest movie ever! Unfortunately, the narrative is a bit dry and skips over a lot of detail. A quick synopsis for those who don't know the story.
Day 1: God creates
Day 2: God creates
Day 3: God creates
Day 4: God creates
Day 5: God creates
Day 7: God rests, is bored, then creates Mike's Hard Lemonade and football
...Then Makes it Again
But wait! That was Chapter 1! In Chapter 2, God remakes living things in a slightly different order. After resting on the seventh day, God evidently decides that Creation 1.0 is in need of an upgrade and re-creates plants and herbs and then man. The new man-making process is the familiar one: God molds a mannequin of dust and blows life into its nostrils. He then creates Eden and places man in it. In Eden, trees grow, including the dreaded tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God instructs Adam not to eat of the fruit of either tree. SPOILER ALERT: Adam does!
God sees that Adam is lonely, so he creates animals, which you may remember were created on days 5 and 6 before man and woman, who were created at the same time on day 6. The animals fail to entertain Adam--God forgot to create concertinas for the monkeys to play--and God realizes that Adam needs a "help meet, " aka woman.
God slips Adam a mickey, and as Adam sleeps God removes a rib and fashions Eve. The next morning, Adam wakes up in a tub full of ice with a note taped to his chest and a telephone by his side. Adam swears off picking up deities at closing time.
Chapter 2 ends with Adam and Eve naked, and they are not ashamed about it. Adam puts on some Marvin Gaye and they feed each other figs. Fade to black.
Broken Promise No. 1
Chapter 3 gives us God's first empty threat. "And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."
Adam and Eve do eat the fruit--not an apple, by the way, but fruit--and they do not die. In fact they live an impossibly long time. But the serpent--which is not described as the devil, just so you know--tells A & E that the opposite is true. Not only will they not die if they eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (ToKoGaE), if they eat it they will be like gods! God later confirms this: "Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil." Not good from evil, which is necessary for morality, but good and evil, which is necessary for sociopaths to take advantage of others. That means to be like the gods you must be both good and evil. True enough, I suppose.
As you can imagine, God is righteously pissed about the off-limits ToKoGaE, so pissed that he curses the snake to forever go around on his belly, a strange punishment for a creature that already gets around on its belly. God condemns the woman to sorrow in conception, understandable considering the she's forced to sleep with the first man she ever laid eyes on. Adam is destined to eat in sorrow. Luckily he soon stumbles on a great oatmeal cookie recipe and learns to enjoy eating again.
But how did God know that A & E had eaten from the ToKoGaE? Well, they tried to hide their nakedness from him; their shame betrayed their knowledge. Damn, this is sounding more Catholic with every sentence.
Before he kicks his creations out of paradise, God plays haberdasher and makes new clothes for them to hide their nakedness, leading me to ask, Who exactly is ashamed of whom?
Terrible Words to Say at a Funeral
Every funeral I've ever attended has featured humbling words about the deceased returning to the dust from which he came. In chapter 3 God does say to Adam "for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return," but he says it after Adam eats the fruit. God is pissed and wants to remind Adam of his roots. "You are dirt, and you'll be dirt again," God is saying. "So don't screw with me."
So much for not speaking ill of the dead.
I thought I would get through a few pages of Genesis without reading something surprising. After all, everyone knows the Christian creation myth. God creates the heaven--yes, it's singular--and the earth and all the animals and then Adam and Eve. Someone eats something he shouldn't and the party comes to an end. Pretty straightforward, right?
But I did a double-take on the last line of page one: "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness." What's this, now? Our likeness? As in more than one God? Is this some reference to the Trinity--God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit (nee Ghost)--at the beginning of a book supposedly written by Moses? Some might see it as prophesy; I see it as either bad copyediting or polytheism. I can't decide which is worse.
God pluralizes himself more than once in Genesis. The Big Man must have a regular commune of jealous gods up there in heaven. I think the Lord is a self-important blowhard and pumps up his numbers just to frighten people. Yeah, that makes sense.
God Makes the World...
Imagine the first line of Genesis 1 in the Star Wars crawl backed by a John Williams score and it's awesome: "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth." As long as Ewoks don't show up, this will be the greatest movie ever! Unfortunately, the narrative is a bit dry and skips over a lot of detail. A quick synopsis for those who don't know the story.
Day 1: God creates
- The heaven and the earth
- Light, which is separate from the dark
Day 2: God creates
- The Firmament, which has something to do with water, and which God then calls heaven
Day 3: God creates
- Dry land, by gathering the waters together in one place; he calls the water seas
- Fruit trees, grass, and herbs
Day 4: God creates
- The Sun, moon, and stars
Day 5: God creates
- Fish, fowl, and whales
- Cattle, "creeping things," and "beasts of the earth"
- Man and woman
Day 7: God rests, is bored, then creates Mike's Hard Lemonade and football
...Then Makes it Again
But wait! That was Chapter 1! In Chapter 2, God remakes living things in a slightly different order. After resting on the seventh day, God evidently decides that Creation 1.0 is in need of an upgrade and re-creates plants and herbs and then man. The new man-making process is the familiar one: God molds a mannequin of dust and blows life into its nostrils. He then creates Eden and places man in it. In Eden, trees grow, including the dreaded tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. God instructs Adam not to eat of the fruit of either tree. SPOILER ALERT: Adam does!
God sees that Adam is lonely, so he creates animals, which you may remember were created on days 5 and 6 before man and woman, who were created at the same time on day 6. The animals fail to entertain Adam--God forgot to create concertinas for the monkeys to play--and God realizes that Adam needs a "help meet, " aka woman.
God slips Adam a mickey, and as Adam sleeps God removes a rib and fashions Eve. The next morning, Adam wakes up in a tub full of ice with a note taped to his chest and a telephone by his side. Adam swears off picking up deities at closing time.
Chapter 2 ends with Adam and Eve naked, and they are not ashamed about it. Adam puts on some Marvin Gaye and they feed each other figs. Fade to black.
Broken Promise No. 1
Chapter 3 gives us God's first empty threat. "And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."
Adam and Eve do eat the fruit--not an apple, by the way, but fruit--and they do not die. In fact they live an impossibly long time. But the serpent--which is not described as the devil, just so you know--tells A & E that the opposite is true. Not only will they not die if they eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (ToKoGaE), if they eat it they will be like gods! God later confirms this: "Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil." Not good from evil, which is necessary for morality, but good and evil, which is necessary for sociopaths to take advantage of others. That means to be like the gods you must be both good and evil. True enough, I suppose.
As you can imagine, God is righteously pissed about the off-limits ToKoGaE, so pissed that he curses the snake to forever go around on his belly, a strange punishment for a creature that already gets around on its belly. God condemns the woman to sorrow in conception, understandable considering the she's forced to sleep with the first man she ever laid eyes on. Adam is destined to eat in sorrow. Luckily he soon stumbles on a great oatmeal cookie recipe and learns to enjoy eating again.
But how did God know that A & E had eaten from the ToKoGaE? Well, they tried to hide their nakedness from him; their shame betrayed their knowledge. Damn, this is sounding more Catholic with every sentence.
Before he kicks his creations out of paradise, God plays haberdasher and makes new clothes for them to hide their nakedness, leading me to ask, Who exactly is ashamed of whom?
Terrible Words to Say at a Funeral
Every funeral I've ever attended has featured humbling words about the deceased returning to the dust from which he came. In chapter 3 God does say to Adam "for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return," but he says it after Adam eats the fruit. God is pissed and wants to remind Adam of his roots. "You are dirt, and you'll be dirt again," God is saying. "So don't screw with me."
So much for not speaking ill of the dead.
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