Deuteronomy 1, 2, 3

Right after the Israelites defeated King Sihon, which was on the first day of the eleventh month of the fortieth year of the Israelites' trek through the desert, Moses gets up on his soapbox and gives a rundown of everything that has happened in the past four decades. Tempest fugit, am I right, parents? It seems like just yesterday you were escaping the Egyptians with your baby strapped to your back and now that baby has a family of his own and an enlarged prostate. Crazy, isn't it?

Moses reminisces. "Remember when I appointed the heads of the twelve tribes so I could get a break from solving endless petty disputes? Remember when I sent twelve spies into Canaan to see what the big deal was and some of you lied about the land being filled with giants so we would all stay put? How about the time God made me appoint Joshua the head of Israel because I screwed up the directions for getting water from a rock, and as I result God said I would never enter the Promised Land? Or the time you rebelled against the Lord and then failed in your attack against the Amorites?

"Now that I think of it, you people have really been total dicks to me.”

Moses' memory must be fading because his story fast-forwards thirty-eight years to when he tried to pass through all those lands on the way to Canaan, promising to be careful and to make restitution for anything the Israelites might accidentally break ,and all the kings of all those lands refused the offer so their kingdoms were all defeated.

"That was pretty cool, wasn't it?" Moses asks. Everyone agrees that it was indeed very cool to kill so many people in the service of the Lord.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

"And remember how I divvied up all the land in Canaan?" Moses asks. "I mean that just happened so it must be fresh in your memory."

Moses then recounts a so far unheard of conversation with God where Moses attempts to convince God to let him enter Canaan. "I pray thee," Moses pleads, "let me go over and see the good land that is beyond the Jordan."

Now God has given in to Moses' requests many times over the past forty years, but for some reason He's sticking to his guns on this business about the proper way to get water from a rock. "Let it suffice: speak no more unto me of this matter," God says. “There may be more than one way to skin a cat but there’s only one way to get water from a rock.”

God tells Moses that if he wants to see the Promised Land so badly that he should climb to the top of Mount Pisgah and look out over Canaan. I like to imagine Moses doing this and starting to cry, like that Indian guy in the old commercial about the effects of littering. It is quite sad to think that Moses led his people faithfully for so many decades, endured wars with other nations and betrayals from his own people, and had to remain steadfast even as everyone else around him fell to pieces, and still he must be content with watching from a distance his people settle into their new homeland. It's heartbreaking.

But then I remember that it's all made up and never really happened.