I'm going to go quickly through the remaining books of Deuteronomy. It's a midseason flashback episode of a book, and something tells me that Joshua will return to the narrative-based storytelling that suits my purposes much better. So for a while each post will contain short accounts of each chapter. Enjoy!
Deuteronomy 11
Moses relates this from God: "Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse; a blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the Lord your God; and a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn aside...to go after other gods." God really is like a father: He says the same thing over and over and over until you’re zoning out on the guy. “Keep my commandments or die!” “Go clean your room or you’ll die!” “Can you come down here and put away these dishes—or die!”
Deuteronomy 12
As stated before, the Israelites should destroy everything they can get their hands on in Canaan, then make an offering to God. (Think “wave,” “hand,” “oil.”) They should eat the meat of the offerings but not eat the blood, or what modern people would call "drinking." And it bears repeating: don't worship other gods, and don't incorporate that god's religious customs into your own, because some of those customs are abhorrent. Like burning children as a sacrifice to their gods. Much better is the practice of burning heretical children during the Inquisition. That’s a completely different thing that God approves of.
Deuteronomy 13
In keeping with the false idols vein, God instructs the Israelites not to follow prophets. Well, a certain kind of prophet.
"If there arise among you a prophet," Moses says, "or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, and the sign or the wonder come to pass whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known and let us serve them, thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet."
Whew! For a minute there it sounded like Moses was talking about Jesus! I thought I had uncovered the largest scoop in the history of bible study namely that God doesn’t want anyone to follow Jesus. That would have been great find.
But what is to become of that prophet, "dreamer of dreams?" He should be put to death.
Hmm. Maybe I was right after all.
Actually, if anyone even attempts to get you to follow another god, you should just stone him right then and there. I’ll have to remember to take rocks with me on the subway for the Scientologists camped out with their e-meters.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Deuteronomy 10
Moses is like that balding middle-aged former high school baseballer sitting at the local bar regaling the old timers with stories of the year the team won the pennant. The more you listen to him the more you realize that he peaked in senior year.
Wow, I just realized that Moses is the main character in Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days."
But instead of recounting the Big Game for the umpteenth time, Moses retells the story of Making the Ark. It's in Exodus somewhere. Find it there if you really want to read about it again. Long story short: Moses should have measured twice and cut once.
Sometime after that Aaron died, then the Levites were allowed to carry the ark around the desert on sticks made of shittim. You know, this has already been covered.
But what hasn't been covered is this: the Wikipedia entry for the Levites includes a list of the notable descendents of the original clan, a list that includes Maroon 5 singer and The Voice judge Adam Levine. In fact, he appears in a cluster of photos with Levite luminaries Moses, Aaron, Samuel, Yitzhaq ben Amram, and Yitzhaq ben Horowitz. I don't who those last two guys are either, but I bet they're significantly more accomplished Jewish-wise than Adam Levine is.
Moses reminds the Israelites to mutilate the genitals of newborn boys as a way to demonstrate their covenant with the Lord. It's a small price to pay for the God who made the Israelites as numerous as the stars in the sky.
Now according to Wikipedia--again! I know!--there are between 13 and 15 million Jews in the world. (The disparity in figures stems from the controversy over who can rightfully be considered Jewish.) This site claims that the most stars one could count in a dark night sky is 2,000. So technically, Moses' statement is true.
But that's only because Moses had no real understanding of the universe. This site estimates that there are 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy alone. Considering there may be more than 125 billion galaxies, you can see that Moses was off by a trillion stars or so. But why would God know that? He only made the entire universe.
Oh, right.
Wow, I just realized that Moses is the main character in Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days."
But instead of recounting the Big Game for the umpteenth time, Moses retells the story of Making the Ark. It's in Exodus somewhere. Find it there if you really want to read about it again. Long story short: Moses should have measured twice and cut once.
Sometime after that Aaron died, then the Levites were allowed to carry the ark around the desert on sticks made of shittim. You know, this has already been covered.
But what hasn't been covered is this: the Wikipedia entry for the Levites includes a list of the notable descendents of the original clan, a list that includes Maroon 5 singer and The Voice judge Adam Levine. In fact, he appears in a cluster of photos with Levite luminaries Moses, Aaron, Samuel, Yitzhaq ben Amram, and Yitzhaq ben Horowitz. I don't who those last two guys are either, but I bet they're significantly more accomplished Jewish-wise than Adam Levine is.
Moses reminds the Israelites to mutilate the genitals of newborn boys as a way to demonstrate their covenant with the Lord. It's a small price to pay for the God who made the Israelites as numerous as the stars in the sky.
Now according to Wikipedia--again! I know!--there are between 13 and 15 million Jews in the world. (The disparity in figures stems from the controversy over who can rightfully be considered Jewish.) This site claims that the most stars one could count in a dark night sky is 2,000. So technically, Moses' statement is true.
But that's only because Moses had no real understanding of the universe. This site estimates that there are 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy alone. Considering there may be more than 125 billion galaxies, you can see that Moses was off by a trillion stars or so. But why would God know that? He only made the entire universe.
Oh, right.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Deuteronomy 9
It's the big day! The day the Israelites have been praying for for forty years. That's right, it's time to enter the Promised Land! Hot damn!
But first there's the pesky little problem of the people who already live there. Moses does his best Knute Rockne impersonation to pump up his team.
"Hear, O Israel, thou art to pass over Jordan this day," Moses says, "to go in to posses nations greater and mightier than thyself..."
"Um, coach?" asks an Israelite.
"...cities great and fenced up to heaven. A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims, whom thou knowest, and of whom thou hast heard say, 'Who can stand before the children of Anak!'"
"Um, Moses?"
"Understand therefore this day," Moses says, "that the Lord they God is He which goeth over before thee as a consuming fire he shall destroy them...so shalt he drive them out and destroy them quickly."
"Oh," the Israelite says. "So if God planned on killing everyone himself, why did he make such a big deal about the Reubenites and Gadites not wanting to cross the River and fight?"
Moses is glad that someone spoke like an idiot; it gives him an excuse to tell everyone the real reason God is gifting them Canaan, and it ain't because the Israelites are sooooo special.
"Not for thy righteousness or for the uprightness of thine heart dost thou go to possess their land," Moses says, "but for the wickedness of these nations the Lord thy God doth drive them out from before thee."
Take that you lousy good-for-nothing chosen people! You're only worthy of such primo real estate because the current inhabitants are completely morally debased! Moses then call the Israelites "stiffnecked," which, according to a cursory Google search, means "stubborn" or "unyielding"--not exactly the words I'd use to describe almost a million men, women, and children who have followed a dark cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night and who have eaten nothing but pigeons and sandy sky-bread for forty years.
Gullible. That's the word I'd use. Stupid, too.
To drive home the unworthiness of the Israelites, Moses again reminds everyone of all the terrible ways they have disappointed God over the decades--two words: golden calf--and recounts the begging and pleading and bowing and scraping he had to do to make God forgive everyone.
Man, that Moses is such a drama queen.
This focus on how rebellious the Israelites have been makes me wonder: why they follow the Lord at all? If they rebel against God at every turn even though He is obviously in their lives, affecting their lives every day, giving them food, protecting them from their enemies, and, even now, about to lead an army and destroy untold number of people just so they can have a decent place to retire, why not just go all the way and either convert to another faith or discard religion altogether? They're more than halfway there already. Really, why do they even bother?
But first there's the pesky little problem of the people who already live there. Moses does his best Knute Rockne impersonation to pump up his team.
"Hear, O Israel, thou art to pass over Jordan this day," Moses says, "to go in to posses nations greater and mightier than thyself..."
"Um, coach?" asks an Israelite.
"...cities great and fenced up to heaven. A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims, whom thou knowest, and of whom thou hast heard say, 'Who can stand before the children of Anak!'"
"Um, Moses?"
"Understand therefore this day," Moses says, "that the Lord they God is He which goeth over before thee as a consuming fire he shall destroy them...so shalt he drive them out and destroy them quickly."
"Oh," the Israelite says. "So if God planned on killing everyone himself, why did he make such a big deal about the Reubenites and Gadites not wanting to cross the River and fight?"
Moses is glad that someone spoke like an idiot; it gives him an excuse to tell everyone the real reason God is gifting them Canaan, and it ain't because the Israelites are sooooo special.
"Not for thy righteousness or for the uprightness of thine heart dost thou go to possess their land," Moses says, "but for the wickedness of these nations the Lord thy God doth drive them out from before thee."
Take that you lousy good-for-nothing chosen people! You're only worthy of such primo real estate because the current inhabitants are completely morally debased! Moses then call the Israelites "stiffnecked," which, according to a cursory Google search, means "stubborn" or "unyielding"--not exactly the words I'd use to describe almost a million men, women, and children who have followed a dark cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night and who have eaten nothing but pigeons and sandy sky-bread for forty years.
Gullible. That's the word I'd use. Stupid, too.
To drive home the unworthiness of the Israelites, Moses again reminds everyone of all the terrible ways they have disappointed God over the decades--two words: golden calf--and recounts the begging and pleading and bowing and scraping he had to do to make God forgive everyone.
Man, that Moses is such a drama queen.
This focus on how rebellious the Israelites have been makes me wonder: why they follow the Lord at all? If they rebel against God at every turn even though He is obviously in their lives, affecting their lives every day, giving them food, protecting them from their enemies, and, even now, about to lead an army and destroy untold number of people just so they can have a decent place to retire, why not just go all the way and either convert to another faith or discard religion altogether? They're more than halfway there already. Really, why do they even bother?
Friday, March 22, 2013
Deuteronomy 8
Turns out that there was a very good reason why God forced the Israelites into the desert for four decades, and no, it wasn't to escape the chains of slavery in Egypt. It was all a test to see how humble the Israelites wereand how dedicated they were to keeping His commandments.
"He humbled thee," Moses tells the no doubt thinning crowd, "and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with mana, which thou knewest not, neither did they fathers know."
"'Cause it tastes like crap," someone in the crowd yells.
Moses continues. "That He might make thee know that man doth not live by bread alone..."
"No kidding!"
"...but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live."
Here's a little aside: when I was growing up, my dad had a coin bank in the shape of a loaf of bread. On it were the words "Man does not live on bread alone." The message to me was that there is more to life than just scraping by, to just eating bread and nothing else, to denying yourself. That it was a bank reflected a emphasis on money and material goods. Never once did anyone suggest that one needed the word of God more than cash.
But let's get back to the story.
Moses tells the israelites a couple of more reasons why the arduous trip through the desert was miraculous: no one needed new clothes and no one had swollen feet. Which means that the Israelites have been wearing the same clothes for four decades. Imagine for a moment that the only clothes you had in your closet right now were perfectly preserved forty-year-old fashions. Clothes from 1973. Thanks for that, God.
"Thou shalt also consider in thine heart," Moses tells everyone, "that, as a man casteneth his son, so the Lord they God chasteneth thee. Only with more killing, obviously."
But you know what? Let's leave all of that messiness behind us. All's well that ends well, and after all, God has delivered the Israelites into the a land filled with good food and lots of water, a land where the rocks are made of iron and anyone can dig brass right out of the hills. Brass, of course, is an alloy, so it's a pretty big deal that it comes right out of the ground already smelted.
But once again, God doesn't really trust the Israelites to maintain the proper level of appreciation for all He did to--I mean for--them. He fears they will forget all about Him and the sacrifices He made for them once they start living large on conquered lands. So He does the only thing He can think of to keep everyone in line: He threatens them with destruction if they ever forget His commandments or worship other gods.
I guess He is like a parent after all.
"He humbled thee," Moses tells the no doubt thinning crowd, "and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with mana, which thou knewest not, neither did they fathers know."
"'Cause it tastes like crap," someone in the crowd yells.
Moses continues. "That He might make thee know that man doth not live by bread alone..."
"No kidding!"
"...but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live."
Here's a little aside: when I was growing up, my dad had a coin bank in the shape of a loaf of bread. On it were the words "Man does not live on bread alone." The message to me was that there is more to life than just scraping by, to just eating bread and nothing else, to denying yourself. That it was a bank reflected a emphasis on money and material goods. Never once did anyone suggest that one needed the word of God more than cash.
But let's get back to the story.
Moses tells the israelites a couple of more reasons why the arduous trip through the desert was miraculous: no one needed new clothes and no one had swollen feet. Which means that the Israelites have been wearing the same clothes for four decades. Imagine for a moment that the only clothes you had in your closet right now were perfectly preserved forty-year-old fashions. Clothes from 1973. Thanks for that, God.
"Thou shalt also consider in thine heart," Moses tells everyone, "that, as a man casteneth his son, so the Lord they God chasteneth thee. Only with more killing, obviously."
But you know what? Let's leave all of that messiness behind us. All's well that ends well, and after all, God has delivered the Israelites into the a land filled with good food and lots of water, a land where the rocks are made of iron and anyone can dig brass right out of the hills. Brass, of course, is an alloy, so it's a pretty big deal that it comes right out of the ground already smelted.
But once again, God doesn't really trust the Israelites to maintain the proper level of appreciation for all He did to--I mean for--them. He fears they will forget all about Him and the sacrifices He made for them once they start living large on conquered lands. So He does the only thing He can think of to keep everyone in line: He threatens them with destruction if they ever forget His commandments or worship other gods.
I guess He is like a parent after all.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Deuteronomy 7
God has some special instructions for the Israelites for when they invade what will be their Promised Land: kill everyone, take no prisoners, show no mercy. I guess this is why it wasn't always called the Promised Land.
The reason for this ethnic cleansing is that if the sons and daughters of Israel marry the idolaters of the conquered nations then the Israelites’ spouses might convince them to abandon God in favor of cow made of gold. I wonder if God's fear of abandonment stems from His parents' divorce? We may never know.
So when the Israelites invade, Moses says that God says they should "destroy all their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire," which, we can all agree, is the best way to burn something.
But really, why should the Israelites do these terrible, terrible things to people whose only sin is that they sit on some pretty sweet real estate? "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord they God," Moses says God says, "The Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."
In other words, don’t pay any mind to those other kids. They’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.
Despite the evidence of the preceding chapter, Moses says that God is merciful and will keep His covenant with and show mercy to those who keep His commandments to a thousand generations. A generation is about 20 years, which means to qualify the Israelites must keep God's commandments for 20,000 years. I guess that explains why the Lord fell down on the job a little in the early to mid-20th century.
But right now, for a limited time, anyone who keeps the Lord's commandments will receive blessings from God. But wait! There's more! In addition to these general blessings, the Lord will also bless the fruit of your womb--a completely different blessing than the one mentioned above! That's a one hundred dollar womb blessing, for free. Act now and you'll receive a bonus blessing on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil. But that's only if you act in the next ten minutes!
But wait, there's still more! Refer a friend and the Lord will send you a special bonus complementary extra blessing to increase the number of your cows and sheep.
So you'll get the general blessings; blessings on the fruit of your womb; blessings on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil; and an increase in the number of cows and sheep you own, all for the low price of a lifetime of fealty to God. And your children’s fealty too. And their children. And their children, and their children, and their children, and their children…
In addition, the Lord will throw in, at no cost, freedom from infertility and sickness. It's a deal you can't pass up!
But right now, all you have to do is trounce those poor unsuspecting buggers who are sitting on the land God promised you. So go! Get to killing! What are you waiting for?
The reason for this ethnic cleansing is that if the sons and daughters of Israel marry the idolaters of the conquered nations then the Israelites’ spouses might convince them to abandon God in favor of cow made of gold. I wonder if God's fear of abandonment stems from His parents' divorce? We may never know.
So when the Israelites invade, Moses says that God says they should "destroy all their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire," which, we can all agree, is the best way to burn something.
But really, why should the Israelites do these terrible, terrible things to people whose only sin is that they sit on some pretty sweet real estate? "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord they God," Moses says God says, "The Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."
In other words, don’t pay any mind to those other kids. They’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.
Despite the evidence of the preceding chapter, Moses says that God is merciful and will keep His covenant with and show mercy to those who keep His commandments to a thousand generations. A generation is about 20 years, which means to qualify the Israelites must keep God's commandments for 20,000 years. I guess that explains why the Lord fell down on the job a little in the early to mid-20th century.
But right now, for a limited time, anyone who keeps the Lord's commandments will receive blessings from God. But wait! There's more! In addition to these general blessings, the Lord will also bless the fruit of your womb--a completely different blessing than the one mentioned above! That's a one hundred dollar womb blessing, for free. Act now and you'll receive a bonus blessing on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil. But that's only if you act in the next ten minutes!
But wait, there's still more! Refer a friend and the Lord will send you a special bonus complementary extra blessing to increase the number of your cows and sheep.
So you'll get the general blessings; blessings on the fruit of your womb; blessings on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil; and an increase in the number of cows and sheep you own, all for the low price of a lifetime of fealty to God. And your children’s fealty too. And their children. And their children, and their children, and their children, and their children…
In addition, the Lord will throw in, at no cost, freedom from infertility and sickness. It's a deal you can't pass up!
But right now, all you have to do is trounce those poor unsuspecting buggers who are sitting on the land God promised you. So go! Get to killing! What are you waiting for?
Friday, March 15, 2013
Deuteronomy 5, 6
God, through Moses, doesn’t want the Israelites to forget about what should be the guiding force in their lives, namely the Ten Commandments. So let's break them down again, shall we?
1. I am the Lord your God; thou shalt have no other gods before me. After me is fine, but not before!
2. Thou shalt not take the Lord thy God's name in vain. Not even when you step on a nail, which, while quite painful, doesn’t quite rise to the occasion of in vain name taking.
3. Keep holy the Sabbath, which, as mentioned earlier can be Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Just to be safe, keep your weekends free.
4. Honor thy father and mother. Unless your dad’s being a total jerk about your new boyfriend. No one understands your love!
5. Thou shalt not kill. Let me say it again: thou shalt not kill. Shalt I scream it? Thou! Shalt! Not! Kill!
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Not that you'll have the opportunity after wandering in the desert for forty years. Really, man, take a bath.
7. Thous shalt not steal, except for the heart of your Valentine, but not if that heart is in a display case in a medical college. That's still stealing.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, not even if by doing so you could get out of some kind of punishment for, oh, I don't know, committing adultery, which you won’t be doing. (See #6.)
9. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife. I know what you're thinking, but no, gay stuff is out too.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possessions. Yes, even if his stuff is better than yours, which of course it is.
Moses then retells the story of the time God delivered the Ten Commandments Moses, reminding the Israelites of what terrible crybabies they were when they heared God's voice. They were all "Oh! Now therefore why should we die? For this great fire will consume us." Wah wah, Israelites. Put your big boy pants on and listen to your God’s voice already.
God, though, loved the trembling reaction. If the Israelites are afraid of Him, maybe they will follow His laws to the letter, right? You know, for an omniscient guy, God can be quite shortsighted.
The Ten Commandments are God’s most important commandments, and he wants to ensure that they are passed down to future generations. "Teach them dilligently unto they children," Moses says God said to him, "and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou rises up, and when thou attempt to impregnate the wife of your dead brother, or when thou kill the inhabitants of the land I promised to you, or when you do any manner of thing that seemingly contradict these important commandments I have given you."
Despite all His bluster, God fears that the Israelites will turn their backs on Him once they enter the Promised Land. After all, the land they are entering is move-in ready: the cities have been constructed, the houses are filled with furniture and knick knacks, the wells have been dug, the vineyards and olive groves have been planted, and all by someone else's hand. God worries that the Israelites will grow complacent and forget that it was only through Him that the Canaanites who worked hard to make the Promised Land more promise-y died a terrible death.
But what He wants to ensure is that no one complains about the accommodations, like the Israelites constantly did about the lack of water in the desert. But come on, did they really think there would be a lot of water in the desert? What a bunch of doofuses.
And what should the Israelites tell their childrena and grandchildren, who will grow up in paradise never having known the hardships of their parents and grandparents? The same thing any parent or grandparent says:
"When I was your age..."
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Deutronomy 4
Moses, still in fillibuster-mode, continues with the nostalgia. This time he's looking back fondly on the many, many commandments God has laid down over the past four decades. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you," he says, "neither shall you diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God." I wonder how this affects the countless translations of the Bible that have been written over the centuries?
To drive this point home, Moses reminds the Israelites what God did to those who worshipped Baal-Peor. (To recap: God killed them.) "You don't want that to happen again, do you?" Moses asks. "One God, true god. What's so difficult about that?"
After all, what other nation is so great that God has blessed it? What other nation is so perfect that God backs it at every turn? Helps it win wars? Guides its citizens with righteous laws? Other than the Unites States, that is? Israel, of course. God loves Israel more than any other nation--after the U.S. That goes without saying.
Moses reminds everyone about the good times. For instance:
And even though God said not to mention it, Moses can't let the moment pass without talking about how he can't go into the Promised Land because "the Lord was angry at me for your sakes." Way to go blame someone else for your failure to follow directions, Mo.
And what will happen if the Israelites do worship graven images? I'm glad you asked. Of course, the first thing to happen will be that everyone will be utterly destroyed. the few that survive will be scattered among "the heathen" to worship gods that "neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell." So, kind of like the God they currently worship?
Contrary to previous actions, Moses claims that God is merciful, so if anyone decides later to come back to the fold the Lord will welcome them with open God arms.
Completely out of left field Moses sets aside three citites to serve as refuge for anyone who accidentally murders another person. Considering that Moses already set aside a six cities in Canaan for ther same purpose. I guess God is expecting a lot of accidental killing in the coming years.
To drive this point home, Moses reminds the Israelites what God did to those who worshipped Baal-Peor. (To recap: God killed them.) "You don't want that to happen again, do you?" Moses asks. "One God, true god. What's so difficult about that?"
After all, what other nation is so great that God has blessed it? What other nation is so perfect that God backs it at every turn? Helps it win wars? Guides its citizens with righteous laws? Other than the Unites States, that is? Israel, of course. God loves Israel more than any other nation--after the U.S. That goes without saying.
Moses reminds everyone about the good times. For instance:
- The time God wanted Israel to hear his voice so that they would know to fear Him
- The time everyone stood trembling at the base of a mountain as it burned with fire and was engulged in clouds and "thick darkness"
- The time God gave Israel the Ten Commandments and the whole problem with the graven images
And even though God said not to mention it, Moses can't let the moment pass without talking about how he can't go into the Promised Land because "the Lord was angry at me for your sakes." Way to go blame someone else for your failure to follow directions, Mo.
And what will happen if the Israelites do worship graven images? I'm glad you asked. Of course, the first thing to happen will be that everyone will be utterly destroyed. the few that survive will be scattered among "the heathen" to worship gods that "neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell." So, kind of like the God they currently worship?
Contrary to previous actions, Moses claims that God is merciful, so if anyone decides later to come back to the fold the Lord will welcome them with open God arms.
Completely out of left field Moses sets aside three citites to serve as refuge for anyone who accidentally murders another person. Considering that Moses already set aside a six cities in Canaan for ther same purpose. I guess God is expecting a lot of accidental killing in the coming years.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Deuteronomy 1, 2, 3
Right after the Israelites defeated King Sihon, which was on the first day of the eleventh month of the fortieth year of the Israelites' trek through the desert, Moses gets up on his soapbox and gives a rundown of everything that has happened in the past four decades. Tempest fugit, am I right, parents? It seems like just yesterday you were escaping the Egyptians with your baby strapped to your back and now that baby has a family of his own and an enlarged prostate. Crazy, isn't it?
Moses reminisces. "Remember when I appointed the heads of the twelve tribes so I could get a break from solving endless petty disputes? Remember when I sent twelve spies into Canaan to see what the big deal was and some of you lied about the land being filled with giants so we would all stay put? How about the time God made me appoint Joshua the head of Israel because I screwed up the directions for getting water from a rock, and as I result God said I would never enter the Promised Land? Or the time you rebelled against the Lord and then failed in your attack against the Amorites?
"Now that I think of it, you people have really been total dicks to me.”
Moses' memory must be fading because his story fast-forwards thirty-eight years to when he tried to pass through all those lands on the way to Canaan, promising to be careful and to make restitution for anything the Israelites might accidentally break ,and all the kings of all those lands refused the offer so their kingdoms were all defeated.
"That was pretty cool, wasn't it?" Moses asks. Everyone agrees that it was indeed very cool to kill so many people in the service of the Lord.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
"And remember how I divvied up all the land in Canaan?" Moses asks. "I mean that just happened so it must be fresh in your memory."
Moses then recounts a so far unheard of conversation with God where Moses attempts to convince God to let him enter Canaan. "I pray thee," Moses pleads, "let me go over and see the good land that is beyond the Jordan."
Now God has given in to Moses' requests many times over the past forty years, but for some reason He's sticking to his guns on this business about the proper way to get water from a rock. "Let it suffice: speak no more unto me of this matter," God says. “There may be more than one way to skin a cat but there’s only one way to get water from a rock.”
God tells Moses that if he wants to see the Promised Land so badly that he should climb to the top of Mount Pisgah and look out over Canaan. I like to imagine Moses doing this and starting to cry, like that Indian guy in the old commercial about the effects of littering. It is quite sad to think that Moses led his people faithfully for so many decades, endured wars with other nations and betrayals from his own people, and had to remain steadfast even as everyone else around him fell to pieces, and still he must be content with watching from a distance his people settle into their new homeland. It's heartbreaking.
But then I remember that it's all made up and never really happened.
Moses reminisces. "Remember when I appointed the heads of the twelve tribes so I could get a break from solving endless petty disputes? Remember when I sent twelve spies into Canaan to see what the big deal was and some of you lied about the land being filled with giants so we would all stay put? How about the time God made me appoint Joshua the head of Israel because I screwed up the directions for getting water from a rock, and as I result God said I would never enter the Promised Land? Or the time you rebelled against the Lord and then failed in your attack against the Amorites?
"Now that I think of it, you people have really been total dicks to me.”
Moses' memory must be fading because his story fast-forwards thirty-eight years to when he tried to pass through all those lands on the way to Canaan, promising to be careful and to make restitution for anything the Israelites might accidentally break ,and all the kings of all those lands refused the offer so their kingdoms were all defeated.
"That was pretty cool, wasn't it?" Moses asks. Everyone agrees that it was indeed very cool to kill so many people in the service of the Lord.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.
"And remember how I divvied up all the land in Canaan?" Moses asks. "I mean that just happened so it must be fresh in your memory."
Moses then recounts a so far unheard of conversation with God where Moses attempts to convince God to let him enter Canaan. "I pray thee," Moses pleads, "let me go over and see the good land that is beyond the Jordan."
Now God has given in to Moses' requests many times over the past forty years, but for some reason He's sticking to his guns on this business about the proper way to get water from a rock. "Let it suffice: speak no more unto me of this matter," God says. “There may be more than one way to skin a cat but there’s only one way to get water from a rock.”
God tells Moses that if he wants to see the Promised Land so badly that he should climb to the top of Mount Pisgah and look out over Canaan. I like to imagine Moses doing this and starting to cry, like that Indian guy in the old commercial about the effects of littering. It is quite sad to think that Moses led his people faithfully for so many decades, endured wars with other nations and betrayals from his own people, and had to remain steadfast even as everyone else around him fell to pieces, and still he must be content with watching from a distance his people settle into their new homeland. It's heartbreaking.
But then I remember that it's all made up and never really happened.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Numbers 36
This is the last chapter of Numbers. One more book to go to finish up the Pentateuch--the first five books of the Old Testament--which wraps up the story of Moses. I can't wait to find out if Moses defuses the bomb in time!
After all the mayhem and wars and stonings and assorted craziness that has occurred so far, Numbers closes both anticlimatically and typically with this question: is there another way that we can control our women? The answer, you'll be pleased to know, is an emphatic yes!
The heads of the Gilead clan have a problem. They are related to Zelophehad, which means, as you may recall, that their land inheritance has been promised to Zelophehad's daughters. What's so wrong with that? Well, when a woman marries, her husband becomes the sole owner of everything she previously owned--including herself, one would presume. That means that, when the Year of the Jubilee arrives, the land owned by the Gildead tribe will become part of the husbands' tribes. Then the Gilead clan will have no more land! Given the way things are in the Middle East this is a very big deal.
Moses has a great idea: why not limit the daughters' marriage prospects to only men in the Gliead tribe? The New International Version of the Bible says it beautifully: "They may marry anyone they please as long as they marry within their father’s tribal clan." When you put it that way it almost sounds fair.
Zelophehad's daughters are cool with this idea--they have to be; what choice do they really have?--and decide to marry their father's cousins. No word on how closely the cousins are related, but something tells me it’s pretty close.
Next stop, Deuteronomy, which--spoiler alert!--transcribes three speeches given by Moses just before the Isrealites take possession of Canaan. Should be riveting.
After all the mayhem and wars and stonings and assorted craziness that has occurred so far, Numbers closes both anticlimatically and typically with this question: is there another way that we can control our women? The answer, you'll be pleased to know, is an emphatic yes!
The heads of the Gilead clan have a problem. They are related to Zelophehad, which means, as you may recall, that their land inheritance has been promised to Zelophehad's daughters. What's so wrong with that? Well, when a woman marries, her husband becomes the sole owner of everything she previously owned--including herself, one would presume. That means that, when the Year of the Jubilee arrives, the land owned by the Gildead tribe will become part of the husbands' tribes. Then the Gilead clan will have no more land! Given the way things are in the Middle East this is a very big deal.
Moses has a great idea: why not limit the daughters' marriage prospects to only men in the Gliead tribe? The New International Version of the Bible says it beautifully: "They may marry anyone they please as long as they marry within their father’s tribal clan." When you put it that way it almost sounds fair.
Zelophehad's daughters are cool with this idea--they have to be; what choice do they really have?--and decide to marry their father's cousins. No word on how closely the cousins are related, but something tells me it’s pretty close.
Next stop, Deuteronomy, which--spoiler alert!--transcribes three speeches given by Moses just before the Isrealites take possession of Canaan. Should be riveting.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Numbers 34, 35
God must be feeling pretty good about His chances for defeating the Canaanites because He carves up the land before the battle has begun. Now that's chutzpah!
So with that, God declares that the southern boundary of Canaan runs from from the Dead Sea to south of Scorpion Pass, then on to Zin and south of Kadesh Barnea. It continues to Hazar Addar, then on to Azmon, where it joins the Wadi of Egypt. It terminates at the Mediterranean Sea.
The western boundary is the Mediterranean Sea.
The northern boundary runs from the Mediterranean Sea to Mount Hor and continues on to Lebo Hamath, Zedad, and Ziphron, ending at Hazar Enan.
The eastern boundary snakes from Hazar Enan to Shepham. From there it continues on to Riblah, on the east side of Ain, and down to the slopes east of the Sea of Galilee, and across the bank of the Jordan, finally terminating at the Dead Sea.
God then appoints Eleazar and Joshua to divide the land among the nine and a half tribes--evidently two and a half tribes claimed land on the east side of Jordan last chapter, not just two; must have missed that--with input from one member of each of the tribes. Bible-history.com depicts the map like this:
So that's settled, right? God has spoken so everybody's cool with this? It would be preposterous to argue with something so plainly rendered. Anyone who disagrees should speak up now while the floor is open to public comments. No one? We're all good? Excellent. The matter is resolved for all time. Let's move on.
Now that the overall geography has been nailed down, God carves out 48 towns for the Levites to live in, divided proportionately to the size of the each tribe's land; in other words, the larger the individual tribe’s land, the more Levite towns will be founded there. (The Levites, you may recall, are the caretakers of the tabernacle and cannot own any land. One assumes they will rent in the cities.) God also stipulates that each town be surrounded on four sides by pastureland extending from the town a total of 3,000 cubits, which works out to be about 800 acres. But I'm not so good at math; suffice to say, it's seems like a decent amount of land.
Six of the towns are designated as refuges for someone who has killed another person accidentally. Gotta have that, especially these days when it's so difficult not to accidentally kill someone. That happens all the time. The refuges exist to protect the accused from angry mobs, so that the accused may live to stand trial. That's pretty cool.
But those who kill purposefully aren't so lucky. They are put to death without trial. The lesson here is if you ever find yourself accused of murder, it's best to claim it was an accident.
And here's an odd twist: if the accidental killer leaves his city of refuge before being judged, the "avenger of blood"--presumably the one who was most wronged by the death--is allowed to kill him without himself being labeled a murderer. Given the options, house arrest isn't looking so bad.
Also, a murderer can only be convicted under the testimony of two witnesses, not just one. Hear that Law & Order: SVU?
After all that, the important thing to understand is that any bloodshed pollutes the land. The really important thing to understand is that the land can only be made clean again by the blood of the one who shed the blood in the first place.
So the cycle of violence continues.
So with that, God declares that the southern boundary of Canaan runs from from the Dead Sea to south of Scorpion Pass, then on to Zin and south of Kadesh Barnea. It continues to Hazar Addar, then on to Azmon, where it joins the Wadi of Egypt. It terminates at the Mediterranean Sea.
The western boundary is the Mediterranean Sea.
The northern boundary runs from the Mediterranean Sea to Mount Hor and continues on to Lebo Hamath, Zedad, and Ziphron, ending at Hazar Enan.
The eastern boundary snakes from Hazar Enan to Shepham. From there it continues on to Riblah, on the east side of Ain, and down to the slopes east of the Sea of Galilee, and across the bank of the Jordan, finally terminating at the Dead Sea.
God then appoints Eleazar and Joshua to divide the land among the nine and a half tribes--evidently two and a half tribes claimed land on the east side of Jordan last chapter, not just two; must have missed that--with input from one member of each of the tribes. Bible-history.com depicts the map like this:
So that's settled, right? God has spoken so everybody's cool with this? It would be preposterous to argue with something so plainly rendered. Anyone who disagrees should speak up now while the floor is open to public comments. No one? We're all good? Excellent. The matter is resolved for all time. Let's move on.
Now that the overall geography has been nailed down, God carves out 48 towns for the Levites to live in, divided proportionately to the size of the each tribe's land; in other words, the larger the individual tribe’s land, the more Levite towns will be founded there. (The Levites, you may recall, are the caretakers of the tabernacle and cannot own any land. One assumes they will rent in the cities.) God also stipulates that each town be surrounded on four sides by pastureland extending from the town a total of 3,000 cubits, which works out to be about 800 acres. But I'm not so good at math; suffice to say, it's seems like a decent amount of land.
Six of the towns are designated as refuges for someone who has killed another person accidentally. Gotta have that, especially these days when it's so difficult not to accidentally kill someone. That happens all the time. The refuges exist to protect the accused from angry mobs, so that the accused may live to stand trial. That's pretty cool.
But those who kill purposefully aren't so lucky. They are put to death without trial. The lesson here is if you ever find yourself accused of murder, it's best to claim it was an accident.
And here's an odd twist: if the accidental killer leaves his city of refuge before being judged, the "avenger of blood"--presumably the one who was most wronged by the death--is allowed to kill him without himself being labeled a murderer. Given the options, house arrest isn't looking so bad.
Also, a murderer can only be convicted under the testimony of two witnesses, not just one. Hear that Law & Order: SVU?
After all that, the important thing to understand is that any bloodshed pollutes the land. The really important thing to understand is that the land can only be made clean again by the blood of the one who shed the blood in the first place.
So the cycle of violence continues.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Numbers 32, 33
Did you read my last entry, on Numbers 31? No? Please do, because in it Moses gives away 32,000 adult women and children to be raped. Go ahead and read it. It's a fascinating insight into the moral compass of one of the world’s most revered religious figures. I'll be here when you get back.
Shall we continue?
This current chapter is both convoluted and boring, so try not the fall asleep as we get lost in it.
The Reubenites and Gadites, two tribes with tons of stuff, notice that Jazer and Gilead were kind of sitting empty and they thought it would be a great place to settle down. Problem is, those lands are on the east side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are currently camped, and not the west side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites must go to get to the Promised Land. In other words, the Reubenites and Gadites want to stay while everyone else moves on. Instead of getting all “Doomsday Preppers” on Moses, they simply ask the old man if they could maybe possibly stay here if it’s not too much trouble or anything.
But Moses ain't having it. He tells a rambling story about the last time a group of idiots wanted to stay in some lush land with plenty of food and water and didn’t want to tramp through the desert to fight armies that lived on the lush land with plenty of food and water that God had promised the Israelites.
Moses accuses the men of being just like those guys, who God thought were chickening out of a good fight, because—lo and behold—as soon as the Israelites cross the Jordan they are going to attack the Canaanites. “Really?” say the Reubenites and Gadites. “We had no idea that we might die in another stupid war when we decided we’d rather live in this paradise.”
So the Reubenites and Gadites make Moses a deal: They'll stay here on the east side of the Jordan and build a nice home for themselves but they'll also arm themselves to the teeth and fight alongside everyone else going to the Promised Land. Then, when the fighting's over and the Israelites are safely tucked into bed, they'll return to the east side. That is if they’re still alive.
Moses agrees, with one stipulation: that if the Reubenites and Gadites don't live up to their agreement to fight the Canaanites then they will be totally fucked over for all eternity.
The Reubenites and Gadites swallow hard and agree. After all, what could go wrong?
Then the narrative is interrupted in favor of a list of hostels the Israelites stayed in up to this point. I suppose it's the equivalent of fondly reading all the postcards you sent your parents during that summer you backpacked across Europe. "Remember that couple in Benelux who let us stay in their guest cottage for two days until mom wired me that money? Oh look, and here's the postcard I sent of the Arc de Triomphe after I got tossed out of the Louvre for throwing up near the Mona Lisa."
It's a long list; read it for yourself (Numbers 33:3-49). One interesting tidbit that comes up: Aaron was 123 years old when he died. I guess desert living agreed with him. Miriam’s age is not mentioned.
After the travelogue, God prepares Moses for the final push into Canaan. First on the agenda, destroying everything in Canaan. Moses must drive out the inhabitants, smash their graven images, melt down their metal objects, and divide the land among the tribes of Israel. And if the Israelites fail to push the inhabitants out of Canaan? "Then it shall come to pass that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein you dwell," God promises.
I'm impressed. This might be the only true prophecy in the entire Bible. Something tells me though that this approach makes for very bad foreign policy.
But God's not done yet. He has one more punishment for the Israelites if they fail to drive out the Canaanites: "Moreover it shall come to pass that I shall do unto you as I thought to do unto them."
Now that is legitimately frightening.
Shall we continue?
This current chapter is both convoluted and boring, so try not the fall asleep as we get lost in it.
The Reubenites and Gadites, two tribes with tons of stuff, notice that Jazer and Gilead were kind of sitting empty and they thought it would be a great place to settle down. Problem is, those lands are on the east side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are currently camped, and not the west side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites must go to get to the Promised Land. In other words, the Reubenites and Gadites want to stay while everyone else moves on. Instead of getting all “Doomsday Preppers” on Moses, they simply ask the old man if they could maybe possibly stay here if it’s not too much trouble or anything.
But Moses ain't having it. He tells a rambling story about the last time a group of idiots wanted to stay in some lush land with plenty of food and water and didn’t want to tramp through the desert to fight armies that lived on the lush land with plenty of food and water that God had promised the Israelites.
Moses accuses the men of being just like those guys, who God thought were chickening out of a good fight, because—lo and behold—as soon as the Israelites cross the Jordan they are going to attack the Canaanites. “Really?” say the Reubenites and Gadites. “We had no idea that we might die in another stupid war when we decided we’d rather live in this paradise.”
So the Reubenites and Gadites make Moses a deal: They'll stay here on the east side of the Jordan and build a nice home for themselves but they'll also arm themselves to the teeth and fight alongside everyone else going to the Promised Land. Then, when the fighting's over and the Israelites are safely tucked into bed, they'll return to the east side. That is if they’re still alive.
Moses agrees, with one stipulation: that if the Reubenites and Gadites don't live up to their agreement to fight the Canaanites then they will be totally fucked over for all eternity.
The Reubenites and Gadites swallow hard and agree. After all, what could go wrong?
Then the narrative is interrupted in favor of a list of hostels the Israelites stayed in up to this point. I suppose it's the equivalent of fondly reading all the postcards you sent your parents during that summer you backpacked across Europe. "Remember that couple in Benelux who let us stay in their guest cottage for two days until mom wired me that money? Oh look, and here's the postcard I sent of the Arc de Triomphe after I got tossed out of the Louvre for throwing up near the Mona Lisa."
It's a long list; read it for yourself (Numbers 33:3-49). One interesting tidbit that comes up: Aaron was 123 years old when he died. I guess desert living agreed with him. Miriam’s age is not mentioned.
After the travelogue, God prepares Moses for the final push into Canaan. First on the agenda, destroying everything in Canaan. Moses must drive out the inhabitants, smash their graven images, melt down their metal objects, and divide the land among the tribes of Israel. And if the Israelites fail to push the inhabitants out of Canaan? "Then it shall come to pass that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein you dwell," God promises.
I'm impressed. This might be the only true prophecy in the entire Bible. Something tells me though that this approach makes for very bad foreign policy.
But God's not done yet. He has one more punishment for the Israelites if they fail to drive out the Canaanites: "Moreover it shall come to pass that I shall do unto you as I thought to do unto them."
Now that is legitimately frightening.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Numbers 31
Looks like God is still quite upset about the Israelite men who worshiped Baal-Poor, so upset in fact that He instructs Moses to raise an army 12,000 strong to fight the Midianites, even though it was the Moabite women who used the promise of sex to lure the Israelites into worshiping Baal-Peor. My guess is that the Midianites live on some oil-rich land and God can't wait a few hundred centuries for the Catholic Church to be founded so he can get some serious scratch.
The 12,000 kill all of the Midian men. Among the dead is Balaam, the guy who did everything God told him to do and also rode a talking donkey. (Come to think of it, if I were God I'd sue the producers of Shrek. They totally ripped off His bit.) They burn the towns, capture all the women and children--I don't like where this one is headed--and plunder all the animals and goods. The army brings the spoils to Moses.
Moses--and this is truly incredible--wonders why they let the women live. "These caused the children of Israel...to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of (Baal)-Peor," he reminds them. As reprehensible as that is, it gets worse. Moses commands the army to kill all of the boys and all the women who have slept with a man, but "all the women children that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Women children! Children!
All right, let's just back this car up. This is Moses, the prophet of the Lord, one of the most revered men in the Old Testament, the great emancipator, and he just gave away young virgins as spoils of war to men who will use them as sex slaves. C’mon people, next time perform a more thorough background check on you heroes, all right?
A lot of fucked up shit has happened in this book so far, but this one is by far the most fucked up.
But before the victors can begin raping their spoils of war, they must be purified if they killed someone or touched a dead body. Hear that, all future rapists? You must get clean before the eyes of the Lord before you rape the little girls.
Moses now wants to divvy up his war winnings, which include animals, goods, and people, among the soldiers and community at large. The total numbers are astounding: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 virgin girls. Half go to the community, half to the soldiers. The soldiers, however, must give a portion as tribute to the God. That means they must give up 675 sheep, 72 cattle, 61 donkeys, and 32 little girls who, I assume, won’t be raped.
But what will happen to those 32 girls given as tribute to the Lord? Will they be slaughtered and burned like the animals will be? Will their charred remains be eaten like the animals will be? Or will they be thrown into a volcano to appease the mighty God? I don't read ahead--I like to keep my comments completely devoid of context--so I don't know if the fate of these 32 virgins will be mentioned again, but I do hope they're thrown in a volcano.
The 12,000 kill all of the Midian men. Among the dead is Balaam, the guy who did everything God told him to do and also rode a talking donkey. (Come to think of it, if I were God I'd sue the producers of Shrek. They totally ripped off His bit.) They burn the towns, capture all the women and children--I don't like where this one is headed--and plunder all the animals and goods. The army brings the spoils to Moses.
Moses--and this is truly incredible--wonders why they let the women live. "These caused the children of Israel...to commit trespass against the Lord in the matter of (Baal)-Peor," he reminds them. As reprehensible as that is, it gets worse. Moses commands the army to kill all of the boys and all the women who have slept with a man, but "all the women children that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Women children! Children!
All right, let's just back this car up. This is Moses, the prophet of the Lord, one of the most revered men in the Old Testament, the great emancipator, and he just gave away young virgins as spoils of war to men who will use them as sex slaves. C’mon people, next time perform a more thorough background check on you heroes, all right?
A lot of fucked up shit has happened in this book so far, but this one is by far the most fucked up.
But before the victors can begin raping their spoils of war, they must be purified if they killed someone or touched a dead body. Hear that, all future rapists? You must get clean before the eyes of the Lord before you rape the little girls.
Moses now wants to divvy up his war winnings, which include animals, goods, and people, among the soldiers and community at large. The total numbers are astounding: 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 virgin girls. Half go to the community, half to the soldiers. The soldiers, however, must give a portion as tribute to the God. That means they must give up 675 sheep, 72 cattle, 61 donkeys, and 32 little girls who, I assume, won’t be raped.
But what will happen to those 32 girls given as tribute to the Lord? Will they be slaughtered and burned like the animals will be? Will their charred remains be eaten like the animals will be? Or will they be thrown into a volcano to appease the mighty God? I don't read ahead--I like to keep my comments completely devoid of context--so I don't know if the fate of these 32 virgins will be mentioned again, but I do hope they're thrown in a volcano.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)