Leviticus 24, 25

God's feeling romantic. He wants Moses to get the mood right by lighting a few lamps and making Him cake. Twelve Cakes, actually. From the looks of it it's gonna be a looong night.

But before God and Moses can get their freak on, a man, whose mother is an Israelite and father is an Egyptian—I’m sure there’s a good story there— walks into the camp and gets into an argument with an Israelite man. My guess is the guy’s drunk. Regardless, during the fight, the half-Israeli man blasphemes and curses God. If you haven't been paying attention, that is a big no-no.

The only punishment for such a terrible transgression is, of course, stoning. To death. With stones. But in the very next sentence God says this: "And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death." God then reiterates the eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth brand of justice: if you kill someone, you will be likewise put to death; if you injure someone, then the same injury will befall you. And then the Israelites stone the man to death.

Moses raises his hand. "So does that mean we all have to be put to death too? After all, we just killed this guy. The logical thing to do is for all of us to die too." 

God scratches his chin. "I'll get back to you on that,” He says, and never brings the subject up again.

Changing gears, God gives some farming advice: "Six years shalt thou sow thy field, and six years shalt thou prune thy vineyard...but in the seventh year...thou shalt neither sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard." The Israelites aren't even allowed to pick crops that accidentally grow. And every fifty years is considered the Jubilee year, which is the year in which no crops can be reaped and no one can cheat their fellow man when selling goods--which, I assume, means that that people are free to cheat each other every other year.

This sets Moses to wondering what will everyone eat during the fallow years? God has the answer: bumper crops every six years. But we're talking big big big bumper crops, because not only does the food have to last during the year the land is left fallow it also has to last for the year it takes for the land to be re-sown and produce food in the eighth year. But the largest bumper crop of all must come every 48 years because in the forty-ninth year the crops must be fallow—it’s divisible by seven—then the fiftieth year is the Jubilee year, and then it will take another year to re-sow the fields and let the crops grow. Moses better get moving on those silos right away because that’s a lot of food to store.

All of this food talk is making Moses, who hasn't eaten anything but sky-bread and pigeons in God knows how long, so hungry that when he looks at the pillar of smoke that is God, all he sees is an enormous talking turkey leg.

God then turns to real estate, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. There appear to be two different arrangements. The first arrangement: if you buy land in the suburbs then the seller reserves the right to buy back the land whenever he can afford to. If he personally can't afford to then a relative can buy it back for him. But it doesn't really matter whether or not the seller can afford to buy back his home, because at the next Jubilee the land will revert back to him, just when the original buyer needs the money from the sale to fund his retirement. Nice going, God.

The second arrangement: if you buy land in a walled city the seller has a year to buy back his property. That's it. No Jubilee give-backs, no relatives to the rescue. I suspect Donald Trump is involved somehow.

God continues with the snooze fest by discussing banking, specifically prohibiting anyone from charging interest on loans. Oddly, though, an Israelite can sell himself to another Israelite, but he must not be treated as a slave. Oh no. Mere slavery is too good for an Israelite: he is to be considered a hired laborer, albeit one you don't pay and who cannot leave you no matter how badly you treat him. And he must be set free during the Jubilee year. 

This doesn't mean you have to give up being a slave owner. Don't be silly! You can still purchase non-Israelis to treat as property and pass down to your family members like Precious Moments figurines. Unless an Israelite is bought by a foreigner. Then the Israelite can be bought back by his family at any time and must be released in the Jubilee year. 

You can wake up now.