Deuteronomy 7

God has some special instructions for the Israelites for when they invade what will be their Promised Land: kill everyone, take no prisoners, show no mercy. I guess this is why it wasn't always called the Promised Land.

The reason for this ethnic cleansing is that if the sons and daughters of Israel marry the idolaters of the conquered nations then the Israelites’ spouses might convince them to abandon God in favor of cow made of gold. I wonder if God's fear of abandonment stems from His parents' divorce? We may never know.

So when the Israelites invade, Moses says that God says they should "destroy all their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire," which, we can all agree, is the best way to burn something.

But really, why should the Israelites do these terrible, terrible things to people whose only sin is that they sit on some pretty sweet real estate? "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord they God," Moses says God says, "The Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."

In other words, don’t pay any mind to those other kids. They’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.

Despite the evidence of the preceding chapter, Moses says that God is merciful and will keep His covenant with and show mercy to those who keep His commandments to a thousand generations. A generation is about 20 years, which means to qualify the Israelites must keep God's commandments for 20,000 years. I guess that explains why the Lord fell down on the job a little in the early to mid-20th century.

But right now, for a limited time, anyone who keeps the Lord's commandments will receive blessings from God. But wait! There's more! In addition to these general blessings, the Lord will also bless the fruit of your womb--a completely different blessing than the one mentioned above! That's a one hundred dollar womb blessing, for free. Act now and you'll receive a bonus blessing on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil. But that's only if you act in the next ten minutes!

But wait, there's still more! Refer a friend and the Lord will send you a special bonus complementary extra blessing to increase the number of your cows and sheep.

So you'll get the general blessings; blessings on the fruit of your womb; blessings on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil; and an increase in the number of cows and sheep you own, all for the low price of a lifetime of fealty to God. And your children’s fealty too. And their children. And their children, and their children, and their children, and their children…

In addition, the Lord will throw in, at no cost, freedom from infertility and sickness. It's a deal you can't pass up!

But right now, all you have to do is trounce those poor unsuspecting buggers who are sitting on the land God promised you. So go! Get to killing! What are you waiting for?

Numbers 32, 33

Did you read my last entry, on Numbers 31? No? Please do, because in it Moses gives away 32,000 adult women and children to be raped. Go ahead and read it. It's a fascinating insight into the moral compass of one of the world’s most revered religious figures. I'll be here when you get back.

Shall we continue?

This current chapter is both convoluted and boring, so try not the fall asleep as we get lost in it.
 
The Reubenites and Gadites, two tribes with tons of stuff, notice that Jazer and Gilead were kind of sitting empty and they thought it would be a great place to settle down. Problem is, those lands are on the east side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are currently camped, and not the west side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites must go to get to the Promised Land. In other words, the Reubenites and Gadites want to stay while everyone else moves on. Instead of getting all “Doomsday Preppers” on Moses, they simply ask the old man if they could maybe possibly stay here if it’s not too much trouble or anything.

But Moses ain't having it. He tells a rambling story about the last time a group of idiots wanted to stay in some lush land with plenty of food and water and didn’t want to tramp through the desert to fight armies that lived on the lush land with plenty of food and water that God had promised the Israelites.

Moses accuses the men of being just like those guys, who God thought were chickening out of a good fight, because—lo and behold—as soon as the Israelites cross the Jordan they are going to attack the Canaanites. “Really?” say the Reubenites and Gadites. “We had no idea that we might die in another stupid war when we decided we’d rather live in this paradise.”

 So the Reubenites and Gadites make Moses a deal: They'll stay here on the east side of the Jordan and build a nice home for themselves but they'll also arm themselves to the teeth and fight alongside everyone else going to the Promised Land. Then, when the fighting's over and the Israelites are safely tucked into bed, they'll return to the east side. That is if they’re still alive.

Moses agrees, with one stipulation: that if the Reubenites and Gadites don't live up to their agreement to fight the Canaanites then they will be totally fucked over for all eternity.

The Reubenites and Gadites swallow hard and agree. After all, what could go wrong?

 Then the narrative is interrupted in favor of a list of hostels the Israelites stayed in up to this point. I suppose it's the equivalent of fondly reading all the postcards you sent your parents during that summer you backpacked across Europe. "Remember that couple in Benelux who let us stay in their guest cottage for two days until mom wired me that money? Oh look, and here's the postcard I sent of the Arc de Triomphe after I got tossed out of the Louvre for throwing up near the Mona Lisa."

It's a long list; read it for yourself (Numbers 33:3-49). One interesting tidbit that comes up: Aaron was 123 years old when he died. I guess desert living agreed with him. Miriam’s age is not mentioned.

After the travelogue, God prepares Moses for the final push into Canaan. First on the agenda, destroying everything in Canaan. Moses must drive out the inhabitants, smash their graven images, melt down their metal objects, and divide the land among the tribes of Israel. And if the Israelites fail to push the inhabitants out of Canaan? "Then it shall come to pass that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein you dwell," God promises.

I'm impressed. This might be the only true prophecy in the entire Bible. Something tells me though that this approach makes for very bad foreign policy.

But God's not done yet. He has one more punishment for the Israelites if they fail to drive out the Canaanites: "Moreover it shall come to pass that I shall do unto you as I thought to do unto them."

Now that is legitimately frightening.