Deuteronomy 7

God has some special instructions for the Israelites for when they invade what will be their Promised Land: kill everyone, take no prisoners, show no mercy. I guess this is why it wasn't always called the Promised Land.

The reason for this ethnic cleansing is that if the sons and daughters of Israel marry the idolaters of the conquered nations then the Israelites’ spouses might convince them to abandon God in favor of cow made of gold. I wonder if God's fear of abandonment stems from His parents' divorce? We may never know.

So when the Israelites invade, Moses says that God says they should "destroy all their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire," which, we can all agree, is the best way to burn something.

But really, why should the Israelites do these terrible, terrible things to people whose only sin is that they sit on some pretty sweet real estate? "For thou art a holy people unto the Lord they God," Moses says God says, "The Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."

In other words, don’t pay any mind to those other kids. They’re just jealous of you because you’re better than they are.

Despite the evidence of the preceding chapter, Moses says that God is merciful and will keep His covenant with and show mercy to those who keep His commandments to a thousand generations. A generation is about 20 years, which means to qualify the Israelites must keep God's commandments for 20,000 years. I guess that explains why the Lord fell down on the job a little in the early to mid-20th century.

But right now, for a limited time, anyone who keeps the Lord's commandments will receive blessings from God. But wait! There's more! In addition to these general blessings, the Lord will also bless the fruit of your womb--a completely different blessing than the one mentioned above! That's a one hundred dollar womb blessing, for free. Act now and you'll receive a bonus blessing on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil. But that's only if you act in the next ten minutes!

But wait, there's still more! Refer a friend and the Lord will send you a special bonus complementary extra blessing to increase the number of your cows and sheep.

So you'll get the general blessings; blessings on the fruit of your womb; blessings on the fruit of your land, corn, wine, and oil; and an increase in the number of cows and sheep you own, all for the low price of a lifetime of fealty to God. And your children’s fealty too. And their children. And their children, and their children, and their children, and their children…

In addition, the Lord will throw in, at no cost, freedom from infertility and sickness. It's a deal you can't pass up!

But right now, all you have to do is trounce those poor unsuspecting buggers who are sitting on the land God promised you. So go! Get to killing! What are you waiting for?