This has to be the most random chapter so far. So let's get to it!
If you find a lost ox or sheep, take it back to its owner, or at least put up "found" posters and feed the thing until its rightful owner comes to claim it. Same goes for any donkeys or cloaks you find. Well, feed the donkey but put the cloak in the lost and found. The important thing is that you don’t keep what clearly belongs to others.
Help fallen donkeys or oxen to their feet. Yeah, you heard me.
Neither should women wear men's clothing nor should men wear women's clothing. God detests it. Take that, Monty Python.
Feel free to take chicks or eggs out of bird nests but don't take the mother. After all, she may create more eggs for you to steal later.
To guard against anyone falling off your roof, build a parapet around its perimeter. Or maybe don't let people onto your roof. Just an idea.
Plant only one kind of seed in your vineyard. Maybe you can divide the vineyard in two. That seems like an easy fix.
Do not yoke a donkey and an ox together. They hate that.
Do not make one garment out of wool and linen. It's a bitch to iron.
Make sure tassels hang from the four corners of your cloak. But first you need a cloak, preferably one not made out of wool and linen.
If a man marries a woman and expresses doubt, upon consummation, that she was a virgin, her parents must offer up proof of her virginity. What that would be I'm not entirely sure. An affidavit from her ObGyn? A notarized letter from prior boyfriends stating that she never gave it up? If her virginity is proven then her husband will be fined 100 shekels, to be delivered to the girl's father. As further punishment the man can never divorce her. No word on who that punishes, though.
If no proof of the girl's virginity is offered then the girl should be stoned to death. Likewise, adulterous couples should be stoned to death.
A man who rapes a woman who is engaged to be married should be put to death. If the girl is single, he owes her 50 and must marry her. Because if there’s anything we can all agree on it’s that forcing a woman to marry the man who raped her is the very definition of justice.
You can't marry your father's wife, which, I assume, means his wife who is not your mother. There are some things that don't need to be said.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Deuteronomy 21
Here's a question for you: you're out for a stroll in the Promised Land, just a normal everyday walk through the new neighborhood, and you come upon a dead body. You take a look around, maybe under a nearby bush or rock, and you can't figure out who the killer is. Not so unusual. After all, only in movies do killers leave calling cards. What should you do?
You have the elders of the nearest town take a heifer that has neither worked nor worn a yoke down to stream in a valley that has never been plowed or planted with crops. The elders should break the heifer's neck and the priests of the town should wash their hands over the dead beast, asking God to hold them blameless for the death of this man.
Or you could call homicide and have them investigate. Your choice.
Here's another one: in the land you've just conquered you notice a beautiful woman among those taken captive. What should you do?
Take her as your wife, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and have her walk around naked for a month until she has properly mourned her family. Then the two of you can go through town as a proper husband and wife. Unless you get tired of her, in which case you tell her to get lost.
Or you can keep it in your pants. Either one is probably fine.
How about this one: you have two wives, only one of whom you love, and they both bear you sons, but the firstborn son is of the wife you don't love. What should you do?
You should honor the commitments you have to the actual firstborn son and not punish the boy because of the relationship you have with his mother.
Or you could just marry one woman, Joseph Smith. But you know, six of one, half dozen the other.
Just one more: you have a rebellious son who drinks and eats to excess and never listens to you. What do you do?
Why stone him to death, of course.
Or you could...nah, stone him. He deserves it.
Bonus question: someone has been found guilty of a capital offense and put to death, and his body hung on a pole in the center of town. Should you leave the body there overnight?
Wait, what? What kind of book is this anyway?
You have the elders of the nearest town take a heifer that has neither worked nor worn a yoke down to stream in a valley that has never been plowed or planted with crops. The elders should break the heifer's neck and the priests of the town should wash their hands over the dead beast, asking God to hold them blameless for the death of this man.
Or you could call homicide and have them investigate. Your choice.
Here's another one: in the land you've just conquered you notice a beautiful woman among those taken captive. What should you do?
Take her as your wife, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and have her walk around naked for a month until she has properly mourned her family. Then the two of you can go through town as a proper husband and wife. Unless you get tired of her, in which case you tell her to get lost.
Or you can keep it in your pants. Either one is probably fine.
How about this one: you have two wives, only one of whom you love, and they both bear you sons, but the firstborn son is of the wife you don't love. What should you do?
You should honor the commitments you have to the actual firstborn son and not punish the boy because of the relationship you have with his mother.
Or you could just marry one woman, Joseph Smith. But you know, six of one, half dozen the other.
Just one more: you have a rebellious son who drinks and eats to excess and never listens to you. What do you do?
Why stone him to death, of course.
Or you could...nah, stone him. He deserves it.
Bonus question: someone has been found guilty of a capital offense and put to death, and his body hung on a pole in the center of town. Should you leave the body there overnight?
Wait, what? What kind of book is this anyway?
Monday, May 6, 2013
Deutronomy 20
In the face of what looks to be a hard fought battle for control of the Promised Land, God lays down the ways any chickenshit men can weasel out of their obligation to fight. The rules are amazingly lax and ripe for abuse. Exemptions are included for:
1. Any man who has recently constructed a new house but has yet to dedicate it, because if he dies in battle another man will live in it.
2. Any man who has recently planted a vineyard but has yet to eat any grapes from it, because he may die in battle and another man may get the first taste.
3. Any man recently engaged but not yet married, because he may die in battle and another man may marry her.
4. Any man who is afraid to fight, lest his fear spread to the other soldiers.
With such broad categories almost anything applies. What if I was given an iPod for my birthday and have yet to download an app to it? What if I started a blog but haven't had time to write my first post? What if I bought a new car but have yet to take it on a proper road trip? It's a wonder anyone will be in this army at all.
Once the battle begins, the Israeli army should, before attacking a city, make an offer of peace. Because who wouldn’t accept an offer of peace from an armed hoard bent on occupying your land? What could go wrong? Well, for one thing, if the residents do accept the offer of peace they will all be forced to work for the Israelites. Sounds like someone needs to read the terms of service pretty closely before just clicking “agree.”
If they decline the kind offer of involuntary servitude then their land will be laid siege and all the men will be killed, and all the women, children, and livestock will be considered spoils of war to be used in who knows what depraved ways. That's a difficult choice right there.
But this kind of mercy pertains only to the cities that are not part of what God considers the Israelites' inheritance, namely the cities belonging to the Hittites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites. They should be completely destroyed and every living thing in them killed without first making an offer of peace, chiefly because those people will only corrupt the Israelites' morality. Irony, as we have come to learn, is not one of God's strong suits.
God does have one rule about attacking cities: don't cut down the fruit trees. Yes, by all means, spare the trees! Cut down the women and children, but for God's sake leave the lemon trees alone! "Are the trees people, that you should besiege them?" asks the New International Version. Why of course not, but isn't that the point? People should be treated better than trees, don't you think?
It turns out that the concern is not for all trees, just the ones that bear something humans can eat. Any non–fruit bearing trees should be cut down and fashioned into walls to protect the Israelites against attacks from the people they attack. After all, self-defense doesn’t mean other people get to defend themselves.
1. Any man who has recently constructed a new house but has yet to dedicate it, because if he dies in battle another man will live in it.
2. Any man who has recently planted a vineyard but has yet to eat any grapes from it, because he may die in battle and another man may get the first taste.
3. Any man recently engaged but not yet married, because he may die in battle and another man may marry her.
4. Any man who is afraid to fight, lest his fear spread to the other soldiers.
With such broad categories almost anything applies. What if I was given an iPod for my birthday and have yet to download an app to it? What if I started a blog but haven't had time to write my first post? What if I bought a new car but have yet to take it on a proper road trip? It's a wonder anyone will be in this army at all.
Once the battle begins, the Israeli army should, before attacking a city, make an offer of peace. Because who wouldn’t accept an offer of peace from an armed hoard bent on occupying your land? What could go wrong? Well, for one thing, if the residents do accept the offer of peace they will all be forced to work for the Israelites. Sounds like someone needs to read the terms of service pretty closely before just clicking “agree.”
If they decline the kind offer of involuntary servitude then their land will be laid siege and all the men will be killed, and all the women, children, and livestock will be considered spoils of war to be used in who knows what depraved ways. That's a difficult choice right there.
But this kind of mercy pertains only to the cities that are not part of what God considers the Israelites' inheritance, namely the cities belonging to the Hittites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites. They should be completely destroyed and every living thing in them killed without first making an offer of peace, chiefly because those people will only corrupt the Israelites' morality. Irony, as we have come to learn, is not one of God's strong suits.
God does have one rule about attacking cities: don't cut down the fruit trees. Yes, by all means, spare the trees! Cut down the women and children, but for God's sake leave the lemon trees alone! "Are the trees people, that you should besiege them?" asks the New International Version. Why of course not, but isn't that the point? People should be treated better than trees, don't you think?
It turns out that the concern is not for all trees, just the ones that bear something humans can eat. Any non–fruit bearing trees should be cut down and fashioned into walls to protect the Israelites against attacks from the people they attack. After all, self-defense doesn’t mean other people get to defend themselves.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Deuteronomy 19
After God clear cuts the people already living in the Promised Land and the Israelites set up shop, they should set aside three cities as asylum for people who accidentally kill other people. Why is God forcing the issue? Because He wants to ensure that no innocent blood is spilled in the land where untold numbers are about to be slaughtered for the sin of living in a place desired by a nation with a stronger army. I guess God does love America after all.
Like I said, only those who have accidentally killed someone, without, as the New International Version puts it, "malice aforethought," can take advantage of these special cities. The example given of an accidental killing, and I am not making this up, is if man is chopping wood in a forest and the ax head flies off on a down stroke and buries itself in his neighbor's chest. Unless you've ever watched "Forensic Files" this is obviously an accident, which entitles the ax-wielding nonmaniac to asylum to escape the neighbor's bloodthirsty kin.
But what of the man who lies in wait for another man and murders him? That dude is shit out of luck, for even if he does make it to the special asylum land he must be dragged back to the town where the murder was committed and be put to death. I suppose the lesson here is that if you plan on killing someone invite them out wood chopping.
There is one catch, however. One can only be convicted of a crime on the testimony of two or three witnesses. So basically, it's three witnesses, because you know the defense attorney would argue that the higher standard for witnesses must be used or else why was the law delivered in that way? Lawyers. Always paying attention to how laws are written.
And wipe any thought of bearing false witness against someone. Not only does it violate one of the Ten Commandments, you will actually be punished for it. However, the threat is vague: the court is instructed to do unto the false witness what he meant to do to the accused. So I'm guessing that means lie about him? Send him to jail? Whatever it is, the false witness’s punishment should be commensurate with his intention toward the accused: a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, and a foot for a foot. No life for a foot, or a tooth for a hand, although I consider an eye for a foot to be pretty much equal. I guess that's why I never get picked for jury duty.
Like I said, only those who have accidentally killed someone, without, as the New International Version puts it, "malice aforethought," can take advantage of these special cities. The example given of an accidental killing, and I am not making this up, is if man is chopping wood in a forest and the ax head flies off on a down stroke and buries itself in his neighbor's chest. Unless you've ever watched "Forensic Files" this is obviously an accident, which entitles the ax-wielding nonmaniac to asylum to escape the neighbor's bloodthirsty kin.
But what of the man who lies in wait for another man and murders him? That dude is shit out of luck, for even if he does make it to the special asylum land he must be dragged back to the town where the murder was committed and be put to death. I suppose the lesson here is that if you plan on killing someone invite them out wood chopping.
There is one catch, however. One can only be convicted of a crime on the testimony of two or three witnesses. So basically, it's three witnesses, because you know the defense attorney would argue that the higher standard for witnesses must be used or else why was the law delivered in that way? Lawyers. Always paying attention to how laws are written.
And wipe any thought of bearing false witness against someone. Not only does it violate one of the Ten Commandments, you will actually be punished for it. However, the threat is vague: the court is instructed to do unto the false witness what he meant to do to the accused. So I'm guessing that means lie about him? Send him to jail? Whatever it is, the false witness’s punishment should be commensurate with his intention toward the accused: a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a hand for a hand, and a foot for a foot. No life for a foot, or a tooth for a hand, although I consider an eye for a foot to be pretty much equal. I guess that's why I never get picked for jury duty.
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