Deuteronomy 15, 16, 17

Deuteronomy 15
All debts are cancelled after seven years. For Israeltes, that is You can hold the debts of strangers for as long as you want.

And here's something you don't hear conservative Christian politicians quoting a lot: God's commandment toward the poor:

If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the Lord thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother: But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth

Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the Lord against thee, and it be sin unto thee.

Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the Lord thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.

For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

 That was nice, wasn't it? It almost makes me want to be religious so I don't have to follow it.

But it's a brief respite, because Moses turns now to slavery.

If you bought an Israelite as a slave then you must free him or her on the seventh year. When you send them on their way you need to provide them with tons of animals, grain, and wine, which presumably makes up for slavery. Forty acres and a mule, am I right?

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the slave you're about to set free decides he loves you and would rather stay. Let’s pretend it happens all the time. What do you do then? Why what any rational person would do: pierce his earlobe with an awl, nailing him directly to a door. What? You can think of something better?

Deuteronomy 16
Pretty straightforward book:

Observe Passover. You know what that means.

Observe the Feast of Weeks. If you were the kind of person who celebrated it you'd know what it was.

Observe the Feast of Tabernacles. It probably has something to do with camping.

Appoint fair judges.

Don't worship graven images.

Done!

Deuteronomy 17
When you sacrifice animals to God, ensure said animals are blemish free. I recommend Proactiv.

If you notice any man or woman acting without regard to God's commandments you should stone them to death. On second thought, maybe it's a good thing that no one pays perfect attention to the bible after all.

Disagreements too difficult for the parties to settle between themselves should be brought before the judges or priests. Be careful though: if you don't follow their advice exactly you will be put to death.

When it comes time to elect a king make sure it's the one that God has chosen. Which flies in the face of the whole "election" thing, but what can you do? And he--of course it's a man--should not keep an unusual number of horses, return the Istraelites to Egypt, have many wifes, accumulate gold or silver, or think himself better than his subjects.

Something tells me the king list is going to be kind of short.

Numbers 28, 29, 30

There is only one God.

And He's a foodie.

I feel that God has gone over His menu preferences a half dozen times already, but since it seems that no one pays attention to the details He's going to go over everything one more time, with feeling. This time He breaks it down into daily, weekly, and monthly offerings; Passover crudite; and noshables for the Festival of Weeks. He details what to serve at the Festival of Trumpets (I read that Deadmou5 is playing the festival this year), the Day of Atonement (which allows you to do terrible things 364 days a year as long as you’re really, really sorry on that one day), and the Festival of Tabernacles (which includes instructions on gilding your own shittim wood).

Do I really need to go over this again? God digs aroma and everything is burnt rams and bulls without blemish, the finest flour mixed with the oiliest oil, first fruits, and Manischewitz. You’ve heard it before and you’ll probably hear it again. Next time I think I’ll just skip it. Unless there’s a human sacrifice. That would be pretty sweet.

God joins the Clean Plate Club and moves on to the importance of keeping vows. I think that God could learn a little something from his own advice.

The Lord commands that no man should break his word. I like that one. Straight to the point.

And remember what I said last time about God striking a blow for feminism by allowing daughters to inherit their father's land? Well, I take it back. Here God puts women firmly under the boots of their fathers or husbands. It's like this, ladies: If you’re living at home and make a promise and your father hears of the vow and says nothing, the vow stands; but if your father objects then the vow is nullified. If you’re married, your husband has veto power over your promises.

If her husband hears of the vow but waits a while before objecting, tough shit. The vow stands and the husband must bear the brunt of his wife's poor decision, because really, any decision a woman makes on her own behalf will necessarily have a negative outcome.

So girls, before you promise to give your boyfriend a handy you better see what your dad says first. I'm sure it'll be fine.

What this means of course is that while men can’t break their own promises they can break someone else’s. I’m sure that makes sense to someone.

And widowed or divorced women can promise any old fool thing to anyone. Nobody cares about them because without a man in their lives, they are essentially worthless.