Deuteronomy 18

Deuteronomy 18

Remember the Levites? No? Well, they carried the Tabernacle through the desert. It was a pretty sweet gig. And their reward? They have no inheritance from Israel--the country, not the person. The Levites can't own land, so they can't pass it down generation to generation. Because they can't own land, they can't raise livestock or grow their own crops. As a result, all of Israel must donate to the Levites' well-being.

Like I said before: the Levites are welfare queens.

Moses wants to ensure that when the Israelites finally take possession of the Promised Land that they don't "learn to do after the abominations of those nations." Way to be a dick to the people you're about to conquer and dispossess of their land, Moses. Maybe next time be kinder to the people you’re about to throw off their ancestral homeland.

                                  

Here's the short list of forbidden practices:

·  Sacrificing your children in a fire

·  Acts of divination

·  Being an "observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch" ( basically dealing in the occult)

·  Or "a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer" (the last one means someone who consults with the dead. I’m looking at you, twelve apostles)

So basically Dungeons & Dragons is out.

God, through Moses, promises to send a prophet to the Israelites, one who will come from their ranks and through whom God will speak. God instructs the Israelites to listen to this prophet, because what good is a prophet who no one listens too? But God warns against false prophets, ones who will claim to speak for God but are just out to make a quick buck for their megachurch.

The Israelites, understandably, want to know how they can discern the true prophet from the false. As usual, God has an answer for that.

"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord," Moses says, "if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him."

So basically, the only way to tell if a prophet is false is if the predictions he makes fail to come true. Which means the Israelites might follow a false prophet for years and years only to discover the truth well after it can do them any good. What could possibly go wrong with that plan?

Deuteronomy 11, 12, 13

I'm going to go quickly through the remaining books of Deuteronomy. It's a midseason flashback episode of a book, and something tells me that Joshua will return to the narrative-based storytelling that suits my purposes much better. So for a while each post will contain short accounts of each chapter. Enjoy!

Deuteronomy 11
Moses relates this from God: "Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse; a blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the Lord your God; and a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn aside...to go after other gods." God really is like a father: He says the same thing over and over and over until you’re zoning out on the guy.  “Keep my commandments or die!” “Go clean your room or you’ll die!” “Can you come down here and put away these dishes—or die!”

Deuteronomy 12
As stated before, the Israelites should destroy everything they can get their hands on in Canaan, then make an offering to God. (Think “wave,” “hand,” “oil.”) They should eat the meat of the offerings but not eat the blood, or what modern people would call "drinking." And it bears repeating: don't worship other gods, and don't incorporate that god's religious customs into your own, because some of those customs are abhorrent. Like burning children as a sacrifice to their gods. Much better is the practice of burning heretical children during the Inquisition. That’s a completely different thing that God approves of.

Deuteronomy 13
In keeping with the false idols vein, God instructs the Israelites not to follow prophets. Well, a certain kind of prophet.

"If there arise among you a prophet," Moses says, "or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, and the sign or the wonder come to pass whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known and let us serve them, thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet."

Whew! For a minute there it sounded like Moses was talking about Jesus! I thought I had uncovered the largest scoop in the history of bible study namely that God doesn’t want anyone to follow Jesus. That would have been great find.

But what is to become of that prophet, "dreamer of dreams?" He should be put to death.

Hmm. Maybe I was right after all.

Actually, if anyone even attempts to get you to follow another god, you should just stone him right then and there. I’ll have to remember to take rocks with me on the subway for the Scientologists camped out with their e-meters.