Deuteronomy 18

Deuteronomy 18

Remember the Levites? No? Well, they carried the Tabernacle through the desert. It was a pretty sweet gig. And their reward? They have no inheritance from Israel--the country, not the person. The Levites can't own land, so they can't pass it down generation to generation. Because they can't own land, they can't raise livestock or grow their own crops. As a result, all of Israel must donate to the Levites' well-being.

Like I said before: the Levites are welfare queens.

Moses wants to ensure that when the Israelites finally take possession of the Promised Land that they don't "learn to do after the abominations of those nations." Way to be a dick to the people you're about to conquer and dispossess of their land, Moses. Maybe next time be kinder to the people you’re about to throw off their ancestral homeland.

                                  

Here's the short list of forbidden practices:

·  Sacrificing your children in a fire

·  Acts of divination

·  Being an "observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch" ( basically dealing in the occult)

·  Or "a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer" (the last one means someone who consults with the dead. I’m looking at you, twelve apostles)

So basically Dungeons & Dragons is out.

God, through Moses, promises to send a prophet to the Israelites, one who will come from their ranks and through whom God will speak. God instructs the Israelites to listen to this prophet, because what good is a prophet who no one listens too? But God warns against false prophets, ones who will claim to speak for God but are just out to make a quick buck for their megachurch.

The Israelites, understandably, want to know how they can discern the true prophet from the false. As usual, God has an answer for that.

"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord," Moses says, "if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him."

So basically, the only way to tell if a prophet is false is if the predictions he makes fail to come true. Which means the Israelites might follow a false prophet for years and years only to discover the truth well after it can do them any good. What could possibly go wrong with that plan?

Deuteronomy 15, 16, 17

Deuteronomy 15
All debts are cancelled after seven years. For Israeltes, that is You can hold the debts of strangers for as long as you want.

And here's something you don't hear conservative Christian politicians quoting a lot: God's commandment toward the poor:

If there be among you a poor man of one of thy brethren within any of thy gates in thy land which the Lord thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not harden thine heart, nor shut thine hand from thy poor brother: But thou shalt open thine hand wide unto him, and shalt surely lend him sufficient for his need, in that which he wanteth

Beware that there be not a thought in thy wicked heart, saying, The seventh year, the year of release, is at hand; and thine eye be evil against thy poor brother, and thou givest him nought; and he cry unto the Lord against thee, and it be sin unto thee.

Thou shalt surely give him, and thine heart shall not be grieved when thou givest unto him: because that for this thing the Lord thy God shall bless thee in all thy works, and in all that thou puttest thine hand unto.

For the poor shall never cease out of the land: therefore I command thee, saying, Thou shalt open thine hand wide unto thy brother, to thy poor, and to thy needy, in thy land.

 That was nice, wasn't it? It almost makes me want to be religious so I don't have to follow it.

But it's a brief respite, because Moses turns now to slavery.

If you bought an Israelite as a slave then you must free him or her on the seventh year. When you send them on their way you need to provide them with tons of animals, grain, and wine, which presumably makes up for slavery. Forty acres and a mule, am I right?

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the slave you're about to set free decides he loves you and would rather stay. Let’s pretend it happens all the time. What do you do then? Why what any rational person would do: pierce his earlobe with an awl, nailing him directly to a door. What? You can think of something better?

Deuteronomy 16
Pretty straightforward book:

Observe Passover. You know what that means.

Observe the Feast of Weeks. If you were the kind of person who celebrated it you'd know what it was.

Observe the Feast of Tabernacles. It probably has something to do with camping.

Appoint fair judges.

Don't worship graven images.

Done!

Deuteronomy 17
When you sacrifice animals to God, ensure said animals are blemish free. I recommend Proactiv.

If you notice any man or woman acting without regard to God's commandments you should stone them to death. On second thought, maybe it's a good thing that no one pays perfect attention to the bible after all.

Disagreements too difficult for the parties to settle between themselves should be brought before the judges or priests. Be careful though: if you don't follow their advice exactly you will be put to death.

When it comes time to elect a king make sure it's the one that God has chosen. Which flies in the face of the whole "election" thing, but what can you do? And he--of course it's a man--should not keep an unusual number of horses, return the Istraelites to Egypt, have many wifes, accumulate gold or silver, or think himself better than his subjects.

Something tells me the king list is going to be kind of short.

Deuteronomy 14

As if we haven’t heard this enough, Moses reiterates the dos and don’ts of Jewish cuisine, plus a few random no-nos. I’d think that people living in deserts wouldn’t have the luxury of being so picky, but to each his own, especially when God’s pointing his big angry finger at you.

Let's hit the bullets:

·  When someone dies, don't cut yourselves or shave the front of your head. That means Peter Gabriel is in a lot of trouble

·  Eat only oxen, sheep, goat, hart (which are a kind of deer), roebuck (which are male deer), wild goats, pygarg (which may be antelopes), wiled oxen, and chamois (which are large mountain goats; no word on whether or not it's kosher to use a ShamWow)

·  Handy rule: you can eat any animal that has a cloven hoof and chews a cud; both traits are necessary. That means no camel (chews cud but has an undivided hoof) or pig (divided hoof but doesn't chew cud). Maybe someday geneticists will create a pamel, a gigantic pig with bacon humps, spindly legs, and the head of a camel. It just seems a shame that there are so many people in the world who cannot eat bacon

·  Don't touch the carcass of an unclean animal. Now that I think about it, just leave carcasses alone. That's just gross

·  Anything in the water with scales and fins you can eat; anything else from the water is unclean, which means mermaids are fair game

·   Birds in general are cool

·  Except for eagles, ossifrages (bearded vultures), ospreys, gledes (birds of prey, especially kites), kites (see gledes), other vultures, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckoos, other hawks, a couple of other owls, swans, pelicans, another eagle, cormorants, storks, herons, lapwings, and bats

·  God's not really into taxonomy

·  Don't eat insects. Do you even have to be told that?

·  Don't eat anything that you found already dead

·  Yes, road kill counts, Kentucky

·  You can give away found dead meat to strangers though. Who cares what they eat? They're going to hell already because they don't believe in Jesus

·  Don't cook a kid goat in its mother's milk. You don't have to tell me twice. Milk-boiled meat sounds nasty

I just had a great idea: a restaurant that not only doesn’t keep kosher but one that deliberately doesn't keep kosher. The menu would offer only those items specifically mentioned in the bible as being unclean. I even have a name: Uncloven Hoof. Sounds like a hate crime waiting to happen.

One last thing: tithe. That's offering ten percent of your crops and animals to the Lord. Every year take your tithe to a place of God's choosing, let's say Boca Raton, and eat it all in front of the Lord. If you tithe is so large you can't transport it all, sell it for silver, travel to the eating place, and then buy some food with the money when get you get there. McDonald’s counts.

Because the Levites are forbidden to own land, every three years all the tithes should be donated to them instead of eaten by the members of the individual tribes, which makes the Levites the original welfare queens. 

Deuteronomy 11, 12, 13

I'm going to go quickly through the remaining books of Deuteronomy. It's a midseason flashback episode of a book, and something tells me that Joshua will return to the narrative-based storytelling that suits my purposes much better. So for a while each post will contain short accounts of each chapter. Enjoy!

Deuteronomy 11
Moses relates this from God: "Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse; a blessing, if ye obey the commandments of the Lord your God; and a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn aside...to go after other gods." God really is like a father: He says the same thing over and over and over until you’re zoning out on the guy.  “Keep my commandments or die!” “Go clean your room or you’ll die!” “Can you come down here and put away these dishes—or die!”

Deuteronomy 12
As stated before, the Israelites should destroy everything they can get their hands on in Canaan, then make an offering to God. (Think “wave,” “hand,” “oil.”) They should eat the meat of the offerings but not eat the blood, or what modern people would call "drinking." And it bears repeating: don't worship other gods, and don't incorporate that god's religious customs into your own, because some of those customs are abhorrent. Like burning children as a sacrifice to their gods. Much better is the practice of burning heretical children during the Inquisition. That’s a completely different thing that God approves of.

Deuteronomy 13
In keeping with the false idols vein, God instructs the Israelites not to follow prophets. Well, a certain kind of prophet.

"If there arise among you a prophet," Moses says, "or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder, and the sign or the wonder come to pass whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known and let us serve them, thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet."

Whew! For a minute there it sounded like Moses was talking about Jesus! I thought I had uncovered the largest scoop in the history of bible study namely that God doesn’t want anyone to follow Jesus. That would have been great find.

But what is to become of that prophet, "dreamer of dreams?" He should be put to death.

Hmm. Maybe I was right after all.

Actually, if anyone even attempts to get you to follow another god, you should just stone him right then and there. I’ll have to remember to take rocks with me on the subway for the Scientologists camped out with their e-meters.

Deuteronomy 10

Moses is like that balding middle-aged former high school baseballer sitting at the local bar regaling the old timers with stories of the year the team won the pennant. The more you listen to him the more you realize that he peaked in senior year.

Wow, I just realized that Moses is the main character in Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days."

But instead of recounting the Big Game for the umpteenth time, Moses retells the story of Making the Ark. It's in Exodus somewhere. Find it there if you really want to read about it again. Long story short: Moses should have measured twice and cut once.

Sometime after that Aaron died, then the Levites were allowed to carry the ark around the desert on sticks made of shittim. You know, this has already been covered.

But what hasn't been covered is this: the Wikipedia entry for the Levites includes a list of the notable descendents of the original clan, a list that includes Maroon 5 singer and The Voice judge Adam Levine. In fact, he appears in a cluster of photos with Levite luminaries Moses, Aaron, Samuel, Yitzhaq ben Amram, and Yitzhaq ben Horowitz. I don't who those last two guys are either, but I bet they're significantly more accomplished Jewish-wise than Adam Levine is.

Moses reminds the Israelites to mutilate the genitals of newborn boys as a way to demonstrate their covenant with the Lord. It's a small price to pay for the God who made the Israelites as numerous as the stars in the sky.

Now according to Wikipedia--again! I know!--there are between 13 and 15 million Jews in the world. (The disparity in figures stems from the controversy over who can rightfully be considered Jewish.) This site claims that the most stars one could count in a dark night sky is 2,000. So technically, Moses' statement is true.

But that's only because Moses had no real understanding of the universe. This site estimates that there are 100 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy alone. Considering there may be more than 125 billion galaxies, you can see that Moses was off by a trillion stars or so. But why would God know that? He only made the entire universe.

Oh, right.

Deuteronomy 9

It's the big day! The day the Israelites have been praying for for forty years. That's right, it's time to enter the Promised Land! Hot damn!

But first there's the pesky little problem of the people who already live there. Moses does his best Knute Rockne impersonation to pump up his team.

"Hear, O Israel, thou art to pass over Jordan this day," Moses says, "to go in to posses nations greater and mightier than thyself..."

"Um, coach?" asks an Israelite.

"...cities great and fenced up to heaven. A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims, whom thou knowest, and of whom thou hast heard say, 'Who can stand before the children of Anak!'"

"Um, Moses?"

"Understand therefore this day," Moses says, "that the Lord they God is He which goeth over before thee as a consuming fire he shall destroy them...so shalt he drive them out and destroy them quickly."

"Oh," the Israelite says. "So if God planned on killing everyone himself, why did he make such a big deal about the  Reubenites and Gadites not wanting to cross the River and fight?"

Moses is glad that someone spoke like an idiot; it gives him an excuse to tell everyone the real reason God is gifting them Canaan, and it ain't because the Israelites are sooooo special.

"Not for thy righteousness or for the uprightness of thine heart dost thou go to possess their land," Moses says, "but for the wickedness of these nations the Lord thy God doth drive them out from before thee."

Take that you lousy good-for-nothing chosen people! You're only worthy of such primo real estate because the current inhabitants are completely morally debased! Moses then call the Israelites "stiffnecked," which, according to a cursory Google search, means "stubborn" or "unyielding"--not exactly the words I'd use to describe almost a million men, women, and children who have followed a dark cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night and who have eaten nothing but pigeons and sandy sky-bread for forty years.

Gullible. That's the word I'd use. Stupid, too.

To drive home the unworthiness of the Israelites, Moses again reminds everyone of all the terrible ways they have disappointed God over the decades--two words: golden calf--and recounts the begging and pleading and bowing and scraping he had to do to make God forgive everyone.

Man, that Moses is such a drama queen.  

This focus on how rebellious the Israelites have been makes me wonder: why they follow the Lord at all? If they rebel against God at every turn even though He is obviously in their lives, affecting their lives every day, giving them food, protecting them from their enemies, and, even now, about to lead an army and destroy untold number of people just so they can have a decent place to retire, why not just go all the way and either convert to another faith or discard religion altogether? They're more than halfway there already. Really, why do they even bother?

Deuteronomy 5, 6

God, through Moses, doesn’t want the Israelites to forget about what should be the guiding force in their lives, namely the Ten Commandments. So let's break them down again, shall we?

1.      I am the Lord your God; thou shalt have no other gods before me. After me is fine, but not before!

2.      Thou shalt not take the Lord thy God's name in vain. Not even when you step on a nail, which, while quite painful, doesn’t quite rise to the occasion of in vain name taking.

3.      Keep holy the Sabbath, which, as mentioned earlier can be Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Just to be safe, keep your weekends free.

4.      Honor thy father and mother. Unless your dad’s being a total jerk about your new boyfriend. No one understands your love!

5.      Thou shalt not kill. Let me say it again: thou shalt not kill. Shalt I scream it? Thou! Shalt! Not! Kill!

6.      Thou shalt not commit adultery. Not that you'll have the opportunity after wandering in the desert for forty years. Really, man, take a bath.

7.      Thous shalt not steal, except for the heart of your Valentine, but not if that heart is in a display case in a medical college. That's still stealing.

8.      Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, not even if by doing so you could get out of some kind of punishment for, oh, I don't know, committing adultery, which you won’t be doing. (See #6.)

9.      Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife. I know what you're thinking, but no, gay stuff is out too.

10.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's possessions. Yes, even if his stuff is better than yours, which of course it is.

Moses then retells the story of the time God delivered the Ten Commandments Moses, reminding the Israelites of what terrible crybabies they were when they heared God's voice. They were all "Oh! Now therefore why should we die? For this great fire will consume us." Wah wah, Israelites. Put your big boy pants on and listen to your God’s voice already.

God, though, loved the trembling reaction. If the Israelites are afraid of Him, maybe they will follow His laws to the letter, right? You know, for an omniscient guy, God can be quite shortsighted.

The Ten Commandments are God’s most important commandments, and he wants to ensure that they are passed down to future generations. "Teach them dilligently unto they children," Moses says God said to him, "and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou rises up, and when thou attempt to impregnate the wife of your dead brother, or when thou kill the inhabitants of the land I promised to you, or when you do any manner of thing that seemingly contradict these important commandments I have given you."

Despite all His bluster, God fears that the Israelites will turn their backs on Him once they enter the Promised Land. After all, the land they are entering is move-in ready: the cities have been constructed, the houses are filled with furniture and knick knacks, the wells have been dug, the vineyards and olive groves have been planted, and all by someone else's hand. God worries that the Israelites will grow complacent and forget that it was only through Him that the Canaanites who worked hard to make the Promised Land more promise-y died a terrible death.

But what He wants to ensure is that no one complains about the accommodations, like the Israelites constantly did about the lack of water in the desert. But come on, did they really think there would be a lot of water in the desert? What a bunch of doofuses.

And what should the Israelites tell their childrena and grandchildren, who will grow up in paradise never having known the hardships of their parents and grandparents? The same thing any parent or grandparent says:

 "When I was your age..."

Deutronomy 4

Moses, still in fillibuster-mode, continues with the nostalgia. This time he's looking back fondly on the many, many commandments God has laid down over the past four decades. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you," he says, "neither shall you diminish ought from it, that ye may keep the commandments of the Lord your God." I wonder how this affects the countless translations of the Bible that have been written over the centuries?

To drive this point home, Moses reminds the Israelites what God did to those who worshipped Baal-Peor. (To recap: God killed them.) "You don't want that to happen again, do you?" Moses asks. "One God, true god. What's so difficult about that?"

After all, what other nation is so great that God has blessed it? What other nation is so perfect that God backs it at every turn? Helps it win wars? Guides its citizens with righteous laws? Other than the Unites States, that is? Israel, of course. God loves Israel more than any other nation--after the U.S. That goes without saying.

Moses reminds everyone about the good times. For instance:

• The time God wanted Israel to hear his voice so that they would know to fear Him
• The time everyone stood trembling at the base of a mountain as it burned with fire and was engulged in clouds and "thick darkness"
• The time God gave Israel the Ten Commandments and the whole problem with the graven images

Moses expunds on that last point. He thinks it's important to remind everyone what a terrible, awful, proundly stupid idea it is to worship graven images, even a cool one like a golden baby cow. In fact, it's best not to worship anything other than God: no likeness of male or female, any beast that walks on the earth, any "winged fowl" that flies through the air, any thing that creeps ont he ground, or any fish. Likewise don't worship the sun, the moon, or the stars. So basicaly nothing.

And even though God said not to mention it, Moses can't let the moment pass without talking about how he can't go into the Promised Land because "the Lord was angry at me for your sakes." Way to go blame someone else for your failure to follow directions, Mo.

And what will happen if the Israelites do worship graven images? I'm glad you asked. Of course, the first thing to happen will be that everyone will be utterly destroyed. the few that survive will be scattered among "the heathen" to worship gods that "neither see, nor hear, nor eat, nor smell." So, kind of like the God they currently worship?

Contrary to previous actions, Moses claims that God is merciful, so if anyone decides later to come back to the fold the Lord will welcome them with open God arms.

Completely out of left field Moses sets aside three citites to serve as refuge for anyone who accidentally murders another person. Considering that Moses already set aside a six cities in Canaan for ther same purpose. I guess God is expecting a lot of accidental killing in the coming years.

Numbers 32, 33

Did you read my last entry, on Numbers 31? No? Please do, because in it Moses gives away 32,000 adult women and children to be raped. Go ahead and read it. It's a fascinating insight into the moral compass of one of the world’s most revered religious figures. I'll be here when you get back.

Shall we continue?

This current chapter is both convoluted and boring, so try not the fall asleep as we get lost in it.
 
The Reubenites and Gadites, two tribes with tons of stuff, notice that Jazer and Gilead were kind of sitting empty and they thought it would be a great place to settle down. Problem is, those lands are on the east side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites are currently camped, and not the west side of the Jordan River, where the Israelites must go to get to the Promised Land. In other words, the Reubenites and Gadites want to stay while everyone else moves on. Instead of getting all “Doomsday Preppers” on Moses, they simply ask the old man if they could maybe possibly stay here if it’s not too much trouble or anything.

But Moses ain't having it. He tells a rambling story about the last time a group of idiots wanted to stay in some lush land with plenty of food and water and didn’t want to tramp through the desert to fight armies that lived on the lush land with plenty of food and water that God had promised the Israelites.

Moses accuses the men of being just like those guys, who God thought were chickening out of a good fight, because—lo and behold—as soon as the Israelites cross the Jordan they are going to attack the Canaanites. “Really?” say the Reubenites and Gadites. “We had no idea that we might die in another stupid war when we decided we’d rather live in this paradise.”

 So the Reubenites and Gadites make Moses a deal: They'll stay here on the east side of the Jordan and build a nice home for themselves but they'll also arm themselves to the teeth and fight alongside everyone else going to the Promised Land. Then, when the fighting's over and the Israelites are safely tucked into bed, they'll return to the east side. That is if they’re still alive.

Moses agrees, with one stipulation: that if the Reubenites and Gadites don't live up to their agreement to fight the Canaanites then they will be totally fucked over for all eternity.

The Reubenites and Gadites swallow hard and agree. After all, what could go wrong?

 Then the narrative is interrupted in favor of a list of hostels the Israelites stayed in up to this point. I suppose it's the equivalent of fondly reading all the postcards you sent your parents during that summer you backpacked across Europe. "Remember that couple in Benelux who let us stay in their guest cottage for two days until mom wired me that money? Oh look, and here's the postcard I sent of the Arc de Triomphe after I got tossed out of the Louvre for throwing up near the Mona Lisa."

It's a long list; read it for yourself (Numbers 33:3-49). One interesting tidbit that comes up: Aaron was 123 years old when he died. I guess desert living agreed with him. Miriam’s age is not mentioned.

After the travelogue, God prepares Moses for the final push into Canaan. First on the agenda, destroying everything in Canaan. Moses must drive out the inhabitants, smash their graven images, melt down their metal objects, and divide the land among the tribes of Israel. And if the Israelites fail to push the inhabitants out of Canaan? "Then it shall come to pass that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein you dwell," God promises.

I'm impressed. This might be the only true prophecy in the entire Bible. Something tells me though that this approach makes for very bad foreign policy.

But God's not done yet. He has one more punishment for the Israelites if they fail to drive out the Canaanites: "Moreover it shall come to pass that I shall do unto you as I thought to do unto them."

Now that is legitimately frightening.

Numbers 27

This is the moment we've all been waiting for. After months of reading, writing, and whatever the hell else I've been doing, we finally unearthed the golden nugget, the most important thing that has yet to happen to our unlucky band of desert dwellers. Of course I'm talking about inheritance law! Fuck yeah! Let’s get down to it!

Five women--Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milkah and Tirzah. Happy now?--have a teeny tiny little barely-there problem with the last chapter. In the loooooong list of names representing clans that received a portion of land it seems that Moses left out their father, Zelophehad. My first thought was that it's because his name starts with a "Z" and was accidentally dropped from the list. A simple proofreading error. But no. It was because Zelophehad had no sons to pass an inheritance down to. His daughters think that's an oversight. After all, they had to put up with the guy all these years. They deserve something for that, right?

Moses brings the case before God. In what must be considered a victory for women everywhere, God agrees with the daughters. They deserve a piece of the pie. God even wants Moses to bore everyone by elucidating the laws of inheritance.

Because I want to be like God, I’ll bore you too:

If a man dies but has no son, his inheritance goes to his daughters. (See above.)

No daughters? Then all his crap goes to his brothers.

No brothers? Then it goes not to his father, but his uncles. Seems odd, but who am I to question God?

No uncles? At this point just give it away to whomever. Third cousin once removed? Your aunt’s boyfriend? That guy who always comes to Thanksgiving but no one really knows who he is? Doesn't really matter. Let’s just wrap the whole thing up.

After God gets that important piece of business out of the way, he drops a bomb on Moses: because of the whole incident where Moses didn't follow exactly the directions for getting water from a stone he's being relieved from his duties as head of the Israelites. Nice way to bury the lead, Bible.

And who's the best man to lead the million plus complainers on the final leg of their journey? Joshua. You might remember him from such films as Climbed Halfway up Mt. Sinai When Moses Received the 10 Commandments, Leading the Israelite Army Against Amalek, and I Was One of the 12 Guys Who Spied on Canaan and May or May Not Have Been One of Those Who Lied About What We Saw to Avoid War. He's got credentials.

Moses lays his hands on Joshua and the deal is done. "Now they're your problem, sucker," Moses says. Then he laughs. Oh, how he laughs!

Numbers 25, 26

Now that the Israelites have made themselves comfortable in an actual town named Shittim, they start fucking around with the Moabite women. I'm assuming it's the men who are running loose with the Moabite women, because no one would tolerate the women doing it. (I assume that Shittim is where shittim wood is found. You may recall this wood as the one used to construct the tabernacle and the Ark of the Covenant. Wow. I really am going to kick ass on Jeopardy! in the “Woods of the Old Testament” category.)

The Moabite women not only seduce the Israelite men they convince the men to worship Baal-Peor, who, from what little research I ever do, is their sun god. His name literally means "Lord of the Opening," which explains all the sex.

The Israelite men join the Moabite women in a sacrifice to Lord God Opening. You may recall what happened this one time the Israelites worshiped a god other than God. The Israelites sure don't or else they wouldn't have done it. But surprise surprise! God gets angry. Who could have guessed that?

God wants Moses to kill all the heaven men and hang them facing the sun so "that the fierce anger of the Lord may be turned away from Israel."

I don't know if this actually happens because the action quickly turns to an Israelite man and a Midianite woman walking slowly into the tent of meeting, which is presumably some kind of meeting tent. Phinehas, one of Aaron's sons, takes a spear, follows the man and woman into the tent, and kills them both with one jab. That Phinehas must be pretty strong or that spear must have been quite sharp. Maybe it was a combination of the two.

Regardless, God decides to stop the plague. I know, what plague, right? Beats me, but 24,000 people died because of it, so it must have been pretty bad. You think someone would have mentioned it before.

This spearing satisfies God. He's no longer angry about the strange-god worshiping thing and makes a covenant with Phinehas that his descendants will forever be priests. As far as covenant's go, that's got to be one of the worst.

Even though God isn't angry with the Israelites anymore it doesn't mean he isn't angry. He’s always angry. He tells Moses to treat the Midianites as enemies and to go all Metallica on them and kill ’em all. It turns out that the Midianites and the Moabites worship the same gods and God considers the Midianites as equally to blame for the whole Baal-Peor thing.

Man, this is getting confusing.

God now wants an accounting of every male 20 years and older who can be conscripted. I guess it's hard for god to keep track of who's left after all the wars and the most recent plague and everything. Turns out that there's still a respectable number of men who can fight for Israel. 601,730, to be exact. Later on we learn that there are 23,000 male infants at least a month old. And that's just the males. That means there’s still a lot of people wandering around the desert.

Then God wants Moses to divvy up the land among the tribes, allocating larger portions of land to the larger tribes and small portions to the smaller tribes. I guess that means the Israelites are staying put for a while! Right?

Numbers 21, 22

Moses, flying solo, ignores the Canaanite King's warning not to set foot on his land. Traveling on the road through Canaan, the Israelites are attacked and some are taken prisoner. Moses makes a plea to the Lord: "If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities. Also, some food would be nice."

God ignores the second request but fulfills the first, and the Israelites are victorious. They rename the place Hormah because they couldn't think of anything else.

And now it's Groundhog Day: the Israelites complain about being in the wilderness with no food or water and why did the Lord lead us out of Egypt just to die in the desert? (Shorthand from now on: TICABITWWNFOWAWDTLLUOOEJTDITD?) The Lord, ever creative in the punishment department, sends venomous snakes to bite His people, which you have to admit is a pretty cool and random punishment. Many people die. No surprise there.

After Moses prays, God releases He may have been a little hasty. But instead of simply curing everyone with a snap of--let's call them His "fingers"--God instructs Moses to make a snake out of bronze and stick it on the end of a pole. Anyone still suffering from snake bite-itis can be instantly cured by looking at the bronze snake on the pole. If you think about it, that's really the best fix for the problem.

The Israelites trudge on until they come to the land of the Armortites. They give King Sihon the same deal they gave to the Canaanite king: let us pass through your land and we'll make restitution for anything we eat, drink, or despoil on the way. Sihon refuses, so Mo and Co take over the land and settle there for a while. Drunk on his newfound military might, Moses leads the Israelites in battle against Og, king of Bashun. In Bashun, Moses just kills everyone and settles there for a while.

All of this conquering makes me wonder why the Israelites need to find the Promised Land in the first place if they have no trouble taking over existing cities, cities that no doubt have an abundance of food, water, and shelter. Why not just live in any of these places, especially after killing everyone who lived there. Kind of a waste to kill everyone in a city and just move on, isn't it?

And yet the Israelites move on, to Moab. As you can imagine, the Moabites are shitting their pants at the sight of all those Israelites near their border. Balak, son of the Moab king, Zippor, asks the elders of Moab and Midian to curse the Israelites, ensuring that the Moabites will win in battle. Balak pays the elders for their cursing spells.

The elders meet with someone named Balaam, who, I don't know why, can also talk to the Lord. Why haven’t we heard about him yet? Balaam, who obviously hasn’t been reading along, asks God to curse the Israelites. God, of course, refuses, and instructs Balaam not to return to Moab with the elders. Balak isn't happy about that: he promises Balaam riches if he returns to Moab. Balaam confers again with God, Who finally tells him to return to Moab. "Go with them," God says. "But yet the word which I shall say unto thee, thou shalt do. Be prepared, though. It's about to get weird."

As instructed by God, Balaam saddles up his donkey and departs for Moab. For some schizophrenic reason, God is angry about this, even though Balaam is doing exactly what He told him to do. God sends an angel with a sword to block Balaam's path. Funny thing is, only the donkey can see the angel. Hilarious, right?

The heavenly visage spooks the donkey so bad that it runs into a field. Balaam, thinking the donkey is just being a stubborn donkey, beats the animal with a stick until it returns to the road.

The swordy angel herds the donkey onto a narrow road with walls on both sides. This also freaks out the donkey; it makes a beeline for the wall, inadvertently crushing Balaam's foot. Pissed, Balaam beats the donkey again. The angel then directs the donkey onto an even narrower path that leaves no room to turn left or right. The scaredy donkey lies down in the road. Out of ideas, Balaam beats it again.

The angel, who one would assume could do pretty much anything, gives the donkey the power of speech. That's right: now we have a talking donkey.

"What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?" the donkey asks. "Besides, you know, the shit I just did."

Balaam, totally unfazed by a talking donkey, answers that he thinks the donkey is mocking him by refusing to obey. "I would that there were a sword in my hand, for now would I kill thee."

The angel, having heard enough, decides to reveal itself. Balaam, horrified, prostrates himself before the apparition. "Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass three times?" the angel wants to know.

First a talking donkey, now an angel with a sword? Balaam thinks he is having one hell of a flashback. But the angel doesn’t really care about the abused donkey; he’s there to remind Balaam that he must say only what God tells him to say.

"Got it," Balaam says. "Now can you make this donkey be quiet?"

When Balaam arrives in Moab, Balak wants to know why he didn't come sooner. You'd think Balaam wouldn't say anything, considering what the angel just told him, but he answers anyway: "Lo, I am come unto thee: have I now any power to say any thing? The word that God putteth in my mouth, that shall I speak. But you're married, so you know what that's like. Women. Am I right fellas?"

Balak offers Balaam oxen and sheep because he doesn't have any decent gifts to give, and the next days they climb a mountain to view the assembling Israelite army. I’m on the edge of my seat here.

Numbers 20

Two important things happen right away. The first is that Miriam, Moses' and Aaron's sister, dies. She passes away and is buried in one sentence, even though you'd think it would be a pretty big deal. The second is that there's no water and, unfathomably, the Israelites rail against the brothers. Given the current state of the world it's no surprise that no one learns anything from the past.

We've heard the complaints before: why would God bring the Israelites into the desert only to let them die? Why did God lead them out of the plentiful land of Egypt into the barren wasteland where they are no figs or pomegranates? How is it that Run-DMC was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame four years before Rush?

Uncharacteristically, God decides to listen for once and not go off half-cocked. He gives Moses and Aaron a rod and instructs them to speak to a rock. The rock will then spill forth water for everyone to drink. Sounds simple enough. Maybe they should have written down the instructions instead of acting like one of those waiters who shows off by memorizing your order only to bring you an open face turkey sandwich instead of the turkey club, the idiot.

The pair gather everyone together for the show and use the rod to strike the rock, which then spills forth water. God, ever the nitpicker, punishes them both harshly for striking the rock instead of talking to it, even though Aaron didn't do a thing: they will not be allowed to enter the Promised land.

Can you believe that shit? These poor guys mess up one tiny thing, an act so inconsequential that no one in their right mind could be angry about it, and now they have to stay in the desert forever? Why did God give them a stick in the first place? If God was going to be so anal about the whole thing why didn't He cut out the middle prophet just make water come from the rock? It's inconceivable.

Moses' and Aaron's problems don't end there. When their unlucky band reaches the edge of Edom Moses sends messengers to ask the king for permission to walk through town on their way to the place he and his brother can no longer enter. The messengers relay their sad story to the king, who, you may have guessed, is less than sympathetic. The king refuses to let the Israelites walk through his city, threatening to kill anyone who steps into Edom. The messengers promise to stick to the highway and even offer to pay the king for any water the cattle might drink and promise to adopt the highway and pick up litter on their way. No dice.

Faced with he prospect of having to go completely out of their way in the desert,  the Israelites trudge on to Mount Hor, where God instructs Moses to strip Aaron and give his clothes to Eleazar. Aaron promptly dies on the mountaintop. the Israelites mourn his passing for thirty days, which is more than they did for poor Miriam.

Numbers 17, 18, 19

God wants the Israelites to stop complaining. To accomplish this He commands the twelve princes of Israel--including Aaron, who heads the Levite clan--to write their names on rods so He can play a game of pickup sticks and choose the most favored family. Because choosing one child as your favorite is the best way to stop siblings from complaining.

Moses lays the twelve rods in the tabernacle and the next morning one of the rods has blossomed and borne almonds. And whose rod was that? Aaron's, of course. Stupid Aaron, who gets to do all the cool stuff with God anyway.  Everyone I'm sure will be happy to hear that bit of news.

The Levites are charged with caring for the tabernacle, which I think they are already in charge of. They now manage the offerings--wave, heave, grain, etc--and can even eat a tenth of all of them, which surely won't bother any one of the hundreds of thousands of people going hungry in the long march through the desert. The Levites can't own any land but since they will receive food on a regular basis, what difference does it make? They get food and don't have to work the land. Win win!

There are catches, though. If strangers approach the tabernacle, all of the Levites will die. If any Levite helps himself to any gifts or sacrifices--which are someone different than offerings--then he will die. And as long as the Levites follow all of these rules exactly God will never again punish the Israelites. No pressure, Levites. But given the Israelites' track record on keeping God's commandments I'd start preparing now for some major punishments.

The Lord then tells Aaron and Moses to procure for the Aaron's son, the priest Eleazar, a red heifer without blemish, one that has never been under a yoke. Eleazor should kill the cow and sprinkle its blood seven times before the tabernacle. Someone else must then burn the carcass in Eleazar's sight. Both men have to wash their clothes and bathe; they are still considered unclean until the evening. My suggestion would be to kill the cow close to dinner so they'll only be unclean for a little while.

The cow's ashes are to be swept up, mixed with water, and used to purify anyone who comes into contact with a dead body. Oddly, the person who sprinkles the ashy water onto the unclean person is now himself considered unclean. You can see how this kind of thing can go on forever in a recursive loop, where the person purifying the unclean person needs to be cleansed by someone who will them be considered unclean, and on and on and on. That basically guarantees that one person will always be unclean, just like in the NBA.