The Battle of God's Favor
The corn doesn't last long in a house with 11 growing boys, that's for sure. So Jacob, being old and forgetful, instructs his sons to buy some more food from that nice man in Egypt.
"The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, 'Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you,' " Judah reminds him.
"Oh shit, I forgot all about that," Jacob says. "By the way, where's Simeon?"Judah pleads with his dad to allow Benjamin to travel to Egypt, but Jacob adamantly refuses. Then his stomach growls and he relents.
"If it must be so now, do this," Jacob says. "Take of the best fruits in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds." Why Jacob's family has to buy food from the Egyptians when they have some perfectly edible food they are willing to just give away is not explained. Neither is why Jacob thinks food is a good bribe for someone with stockpiles of corn.
In addition to the food, Jacob sweetens the pot. "And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight. Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man. And see if you can't get some Cool Ranch Doritos this time. Those things rock."
Off the brothers go to see Joseph. When Joseph sees Benjamin, he is ecstatic and tells his servants to show the men to his home as they will be his guests for dinner. The brothers fear a trap, punishment for not paying for the corn the last time, but they are in no position to refuse the offer. But the boys confess to basically stealing the food as soon as they reach Joseph's door. "Don't worry," the steward of the house says. "Wait till you see the fucked up shit Joe's gonna pull on you soon. Stolen corn pales in comparison."
Wary, the men enter the house to see Simeon freed from prison. Simeon holds out a pack of Marlboros. "Smoke? I got them from the guard."
Joseph comes home and is so overcome with emotion at the sight of his younger brother Benjamin that he again sneaks away for a good cry. After changing his maxi pad and touching up his mascara, Joseph invites his brothers to sit. He can't stay, though, because it's an abomination for Egyptians to eat at the same table with a Hebrews and Joe must maintain his cover story if he is to effectively screw them over.
The food is brought out and everyone notices that Benjamin has 5 times as much as they do. Benjamin is frightened of the looks his brothers give him. And for good reason.
Stick That in Your Sack!
As his brothers; gorge themselves, Joseph puts his plan in motion. He instructs his house steward to fill each brother's sack with corn and to once again return all the money. The kicker? Place a silver cup in Benjamin's sack.
The brothers leave the next morning, and Joseph sends men to catch up with them and accuse them of stealing the silver cup. The brothers deny the charge, and one of them runs his fool mouth off: "With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord's bondmen."
Joe's man, knowing it's all a set-up, takes mercy on the overconfident brother and offers a counter punishment: "He with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless." The unnamed brother intelligently shuts the fuck up.
The men unpack each sack, starting with the oldest brother and ending with Benjamin, in whose sack they find the cup. They tear the brothers' clothes off and make them form a naked pyramid. The they are brought before Joseph.
Joe says that Benjamin, being the one who stole the cup, must become his servant. Judah freaks out and recounts for Joseph how Jacob lost his wife and one of his sons, but leaves out his complicity in the latter. If Benjamin were not to return, he says, Judah would die of sadness. He then offers to become Joseph's bitch in his brother's place. "Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren," Judah pleads.
Moved by the plot-advancing character growth, Joseph puts on a diaper and starts bawling. He yanks off his horn-rimmed glasses and reveals himself. "Come near to me, I pray you," Joseph says. "I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: it's cool. Except for the slavery part. And the two years in prison. And the anilingus for cigarettes. No, really, it's all cool." He tells them that God orchestrated his bondage so that he could save the world from famine by interpreting the pharaoh's dreams.
"But God is with our father, Jacob," Judah says. "And by selling you into slavery we have nearly destroyed him. What kind of God would do that to his loyal servant?"
"That's a really good question," Joseph says. "Who needs a good cry?"
Everyone starts bawling like they're on Oprah. Joseph tells his brothers to go home and inform their father he is alive and well and masquerading as an Egyptian. The Pharaoh pays a visit to the happy reunion and hands over the deed to a large stretch of land for Jacob's clan to use. He then promises that under no circumstances will the Hebrews be forced into slavery until a prophet comes along to free them under penalty of hideous plagues. Just so everyone is clear on that point.
Joseph also gifts his brothers a change of clothes, but to Benjamin his gifts 5 new suits and 300 pieces of silver. On the way home to Jacob, the brothers sell Benjamin into slavery and steal the suits and money.
Not really. But that would have been cool, huh?
Jacob is overjoyed not only that Benjamin wasn't eaten by a beast but that Joseph is still alive. He promises that he will see Joseph before he dies, right after the Sanford and Son marathon on Nick at Night.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Genesis 41, 42
I Have a Dream
Joseph rots in prison for 2 years. One night pharaoh chases a few OxyContin with a couple of shots of NyQuil and has some bizarro dreams. In the first, 7 fat cows emerge from the river to feed in a meadow. As they graze, 7 emaciated cows devour them. Even though they have eaten the fat cows, they remain skin and bones.
The pharaoh turns his pillow over to the cool side and dreams of 7 large, juicy ears of corn that sprout from a single stalk. The east wind causes 7 small, thin ears to sprout, and they devour the 7 large ears. If I were the pharaoh I'd be most disturbed that I dreamed ears of corn had mouths.
The pharaoh has another dream where he's playing bass for Journey and receives awesome groupie fellatio.
Pharaoh consults his dream symbols dictionary, but all he can find is a reference to acorns. The court magicians and wise men also fail to interpret his dreams. It's then that the chief butler remembers his promise to Joseph and tells the pharaoh how the Hebrew prisoner accurately interpreted his and the baker's dreams as they languished in jail. Pharaoh doesn't have any recollection of Joseph, who was once his right-hand man and whom he accused of attempted rape. He summons Joseph, because he has to find out if he and his bandmates will ever match the success of Escape.
The jailer gives Joseph a Brazilian and a change clothes for his audience with the pharaoh. "I have dreamed a dream, and there is none that can interpret it," pharaoh says to the freshened-up Joseph.
"I can," Joseph says. "It'll be $4.50 for the first minute, and $2.00 for each additional minute."
Pharaoh agrees, and says the dreams describe the same events. The 7 fat cows and the 7 healthy ears of corn represent 7 years of bountiful harvest. The 7 thin cows and 7 small ears of corn represent a devastating 7-year drought that will follow the years of plenty.
Pharaoh is not only unable to interpret dreams, he's unable to set policy, so he asks Joseph's advice on how to deal with the coming famine. "Now therefore let Pharaoh look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt," Joseph says. "Let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the 7 plenteous years. And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. And that food shall be for store to the land against the 7 years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine."
Impressed, mainly because he has no idea what Joseph is talking about, the pharaoh once again makes Joseph his second banana. To avoid any misunderstanding this time, he gives Joseph a wife. He also changes Joseph's name to Zaphnathpaaneah, which, never really catches on for some reason.
True to Joseph's interpretation, 7 years of bounty are followed by 7 years of famine. Because of Joseph's idea, the Egyptians have food aplenty and do not suffer. Of course, Joseph is the "man discreet and wise" he suggested the pharaoh find, sort of like how Dick Cheney headed Bush 42's vice president search committee and discovered that he himself was the best candidate. In his new post, Joseph sells the stored food to the hungry instead of giving it away. Joe's not being a dick, folks, it's just capitalism.
Payback's a Bitch, Especially in the Bible
The famine hits Canaan hard, and Jacob and his remaining sons are desperate for food. The old man hears of the Egyptian stockpiles and commands 10 of his sons--the very same who sold Joseph into slavery--to travel to Egypt and buy corn. Jacob keeps his youngest son, Benjamin, with him, because the last time those 10 guys went anywhere together someone was eaten by a beast and he's grown fond of the boy.
Joseph sees his brothers coming and pulls a Clark Kent on them. Donning horn-rimmed glasses and greasing his bangs into a curl, he deftly evades recognition. Just to fuck with them he speaks through an interpreter and accuses the brothers of being spies. They deny it, and for some reason tell Joseph that their youngest brother stayed home with their aged father. Joseph acts outraged and tells them that they must send one brother home to fetch the youngest, so he can see if they are telling the truth. He then changes his mind sends them all to prison.
Three days later he switches up his request: instead of sending one brother home to fetch the youngest, one brother must remain in prison and the rest must go fetch the youngest.
The brothers, thinking that Joseph doesn't understand them, express their regret at selling Joseph into slavery because it's now obvious that their decision has created some seriously negative karma for them. Touched by his brother's regrets, Joseph excuses himself and has a good cry in the next room like the sissy girly cry baby he is.
When he returns, he ties up Simeon and agrees to sell them corn. In the corn sacks Joseph has him men also return his brother's money. Upon their return to Canaan, they discover the money and seriously flip the fuck out. They have no idea if it's a prank, an error, or a set-up. When they tell Jacob about bringing Benjamin back in exchange for Simeon, he is heartbroken. He refuses to send Benjamin to Egypt and tells the boys not to return either. That means that Simeon is shit out of luck for now.
Everyone enjoys the corn.
Joseph rots in prison for 2 years. One night pharaoh chases a few OxyContin with a couple of shots of NyQuil and has some bizarro dreams. In the first, 7 fat cows emerge from the river to feed in a meadow. As they graze, 7 emaciated cows devour them. Even though they have eaten the fat cows, they remain skin and bones.
The pharaoh turns his pillow over to the cool side and dreams of 7 large, juicy ears of corn that sprout from a single stalk. The east wind causes 7 small, thin ears to sprout, and they devour the 7 large ears. If I were the pharaoh I'd be most disturbed that I dreamed ears of corn had mouths.
The pharaoh has another dream where he's playing bass for Journey and receives awesome groupie fellatio.
Pharaoh consults his dream symbols dictionary, but all he can find is a reference to acorns. The court magicians and wise men also fail to interpret his dreams. It's then that the chief butler remembers his promise to Joseph and tells the pharaoh how the Hebrew prisoner accurately interpreted his and the baker's dreams as they languished in jail. Pharaoh doesn't have any recollection of Joseph, who was once his right-hand man and whom he accused of attempted rape. He summons Joseph, because he has to find out if he and his bandmates will ever match the success of Escape.
The jailer gives Joseph a Brazilian and a change clothes for his audience with the pharaoh. "I have dreamed a dream, and there is none that can interpret it," pharaoh says to the freshened-up Joseph.
"I can," Joseph says. "It'll be $4.50 for the first minute, and $2.00 for each additional minute."
Pharaoh agrees, and says the dreams describe the same events. The 7 fat cows and the 7 healthy ears of corn represent 7 years of bountiful harvest. The 7 thin cows and 7 small ears of corn represent a devastating 7-year drought that will follow the years of plenty.
Pharaoh is not only unable to interpret dreams, he's unable to set policy, so he asks Joseph's advice on how to deal with the coming famine. "Now therefore let Pharaoh look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt," Joseph says. "Let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the 7 plenteous years. And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. And that food shall be for store to the land against the 7 years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine."
Impressed, mainly because he has no idea what Joseph is talking about, the pharaoh once again makes Joseph his second banana. To avoid any misunderstanding this time, he gives Joseph a wife. He also changes Joseph's name to Zaphnathpaaneah, which, never really catches on for some reason.
True to Joseph's interpretation, 7 years of bounty are followed by 7 years of famine. Because of Joseph's idea, the Egyptians have food aplenty and do not suffer. Of course, Joseph is the "man discreet and wise" he suggested the pharaoh find, sort of like how Dick Cheney headed Bush 42's vice president search committee and discovered that he himself was the best candidate. In his new post, Joseph sells the stored food to the hungry instead of giving it away. Joe's not being a dick, folks, it's just capitalism.
Payback's a Bitch, Especially in the Bible
The famine hits Canaan hard, and Jacob and his remaining sons are desperate for food. The old man hears of the Egyptian stockpiles and commands 10 of his sons--the very same who sold Joseph into slavery--to travel to Egypt and buy corn. Jacob keeps his youngest son, Benjamin, with him, because the last time those 10 guys went anywhere together someone was eaten by a beast and he's grown fond of the boy.
Joseph sees his brothers coming and pulls a Clark Kent on them. Donning horn-rimmed glasses and greasing his bangs into a curl, he deftly evades recognition. Just to fuck with them he speaks through an interpreter and accuses the brothers of being spies. They deny it, and for some reason tell Joseph that their youngest brother stayed home with their aged father. Joseph acts outraged and tells them that they must send one brother home to fetch the youngest, so he can see if they are telling the truth. He then changes his mind sends them all to prison.
Three days later he switches up his request: instead of sending one brother home to fetch the youngest, one brother must remain in prison and the rest must go fetch the youngest.
The brothers, thinking that Joseph doesn't understand them, express their regret at selling Joseph into slavery because it's now obvious that their decision has created some seriously negative karma for them. Touched by his brother's regrets, Joseph excuses himself and has a good cry in the next room like the sissy girly cry baby he is.
When he returns, he ties up Simeon and agrees to sell them corn. In the corn sacks Joseph has him men also return his brother's money. Upon their return to Canaan, they discover the money and seriously flip the fuck out. They have no idea if it's a prank, an error, or a set-up. When they tell Jacob about bringing Benjamin back in exchange for Simeon, he is heartbroken. He refuses to send Benjamin to Egypt and tells the boys not to return either. That means that Simeon is shit out of luck for now.
Everyone enjoys the corn.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Genesis 39, 40
The Only Likable Character Gets Royally Fucked
Joseph proves quite capable as a slave and is promoted to head of household after beating the other contestants at a grueling game of Jarts. The pharaoh recognizes that the Lord is with Joseph--but not with him enough to help him avoid slavery, which is just the right amount of "with him" for pharaoh's tastes--and puts Joseph in charge of everything. Joseph takes his responsibilities seriously and works like a...well, like a slave...and as a result, the land prospers, everyone is happy, and, best of all, the pharaoh is pleased. And with the Pyramid Construction Authority's mandatory work program in full swing, unemployment is at an all-time low, and deaths caused by being crushed under 3 ton blocks of sandstone are at an all-time high.
But the pharaoh's wife isn't so pleased. In bed. If you know what I mean. She has never been with a cut guy before, so she corners Joseph one day and proposes a little hanky panky. Joseph, demonstrating why he is the only honorable and trustworthy person to show up the Bible so far, refuses.
"There is none greater in this house than I," Joseph says, arguing why he won't sleep with his boss's wife by citing the reason most men would give for doing so. "Neither hath [the pharaoh] kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?" Joseph escapes with his honor intact, a state of being that, I'm sure you know, will not go unpunished.
Rebuffed but not deterred, pharaoh's wife later catches Joseph by his cloak and pulls him near. Joseph struggles against her, and she tears a piece of his clothing off. He runs away, but the pharaoh's wife begins to scream. She tells the housemen who arrive that Joseph tried to attack her and she tore off a piece of his clothing as they fought. When the men tell the pharaoh he is righteously pissed. Here he had trusted Joseph with everything in his house except his wife and what did he do? Acted like that no good bum Abraham, that's what. Pharaoh throws Joseph in prison.
In the clink, Joseph finds favor with the head guard, who recognizes that the lord is with him--but not with him enough to avoid being unjustly accused of a sex crime and thrown in jail. That and Joseph offers to toss the guard's salad every day in exchange for cigarettes.
Pleased with the barter, the jailer puts his new bitch in charge of all the prisoners, freeing himself up to play Minesweeper all day. Under Joseph's rule, the prison prospers. How exactly a prison prospers isn't discussed. I would assume that a prosperous prison would be a bad thing, since it would mean more prisoners within its walls. By that definition, things are going great, because soon enough the chief of the bakers and the chief of the butlers find themselves the under Joseph's command.
Interpreter of Calamities
Because Egyptian prisons are hotter than Abraham's wife Sarah in a Catholic school girl outfit sucking on a Blow Pop, the chiefs start having crazy fever dreams. Joseph, being a kind and thoughtful person utterly undeserving of even being in the Bible let alone in prison, notices that his charges are upset and asks them if he can help. They spill the crazy beans.
The chief butler says he dreamed of a vine with 3 branches clustered with ripe grapes. In the dream, he presses the grapes into the pharaoh's cup and delivers it to his former boss's hand.
"And?" Joseph asks.
"And what?" The chief butler asks.
"Nothing," Joseph says, and whips out his Magic 8 Ball to interpret the dream. The 3 branches, Joseph says, are 3 days, and 3 days from now the pharaoh will free the chief of the butlers from prison and restore him to his position as grape presser and cup hander overer. The butler chief is overjoyed--who wouldn't be?--and agrees to Joseph's demand that he talk up Joseph to the pharaoh. "For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews," Joseph says. "And here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon."
"Suuuuure," the chief says. "I'm innocent, too."
Also overjoyed is the chief of the bakers, who had a similar dream. In his dream, he had 3 white baskets stacked on his head. In the uppermost basket were bake meats for the pharaoh, but a flock of birds attacked him and ate everything. Smiling, the bakers asks, "So? Am I getting my job back, too?"
Joseph smiles thinly. "Well, the good news is that, like the butler, you will also be released in 3 days," Joseph says. "The bad news is that the pharaoh will hang you and birds will peck at your corpse." The baker is, of course, devastated.
"I hate to ask you this," Joseph asks the stunned baker, "but don't mention my name to the pharaoh, okay? You're kind of damaged goods."
Three days later, the predictions come to pass: the butler is again butlering and the baker is baking in the sun with birds pecking at his eyeballs.
But the butler, once again enjoying the high life, forgets his promise to Joseph. Really, what does he owe to Joseph? Predictions only describe what's going to happen, they don't make it happen.
Or do they?
Joseph proves quite capable as a slave and is promoted to head of household after beating the other contestants at a grueling game of Jarts. The pharaoh recognizes that the Lord is with Joseph--but not with him enough to help him avoid slavery, which is just the right amount of "with him" for pharaoh's tastes--and puts Joseph in charge of everything. Joseph takes his responsibilities seriously and works like a...well, like a slave...and as a result, the land prospers, everyone is happy, and, best of all, the pharaoh is pleased. And with the Pyramid Construction Authority's mandatory work program in full swing, unemployment is at an all-time low, and deaths caused by being crushed under 3 ton blocks of sandstone are at an all-time high.
But the pharaoh's wife isn't so pleased. In bed. If you know what I mean. She has never been with a cut guy before, so she corners Joseph one day and proposes a little hanky panky. Joseph, demonstrating why he is the only honorable and trustworthy person to show up the Bible so far, refuses.
"There is none greater in this house than I," Joseph says, arguing why he won't sleep with his boss's wife by citing the reason most men would give for doing so. "Neither hath [the pharaoh] kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?" Joseph escapes with his honor intact, a state of being that, I'm sure you know, will not go unpunished.
Rebuffed but not deterred, pharaoh's wife later catches Joseph by his cloak and pulls him near. Joseph struggles against her, and she tears a piece of his clothing off. He runs away, but the pharaoh's wife begins to scream. She tells the housemen who arrive that Joseph tried to attack her and she tore off a piece of his clothing as they fought. When the men tell the pharaoh he is righteously pissed. Here he had trusted Joseph with everything in his house except his wife and what did he do? Acted like that no good bum Abraham, that's what. Pharaoh throws Joseph in prison.
In the clink, Joseph finds favor with the head guard, who recognizes that the lord is with him--but not with him enough to avoid being unjustly accused of a sex crime and thrown in jail. That and Joseph offers to toss the guard's salad every day in exchange for cigarettes.
Pleased with the barter, the jailer puts his new bitch in charge of all the prisoners, freeing himself up to play Minesweeper all day. Under Joseph's rule, the prison prospers. How exactly a prison prospers isn't discussed. I would assume that a prosperous prison would be a bad thing, since it would mean more prisoners within its walls. By that definition, things are going great, because soon enough the chief of the bakers and the chief of the butlers find themselves the under Joseph's command.
Interpreter of Calamities
Because Egyptian prisons are hotter than Abraham's wife Sarah in a Catholic school girl outfit sucking on a Blow Pop, the chiefs start having crazy fever dreams. Joseph, being a kind and thoughtful person utterly undeserving of even being in the Bible let alone in prison, notices that his charges are upset and asks them if he can help. They spill the crazy beans.
The chief butler says he dreamed of a vine with 3 branches clustered with ripe grapes. In the dream, he presses the grapes into the pharaoh's cup and delivers it to his former boss's hand.
"And?" Joseph asks.
"And what?" The chief butler asks.
"Nothing," Joseph says, and whips out his Magic 8 Ball to interpret the dream. The 3 branches, Joseph says, are 3 days, and 3 days from now the pharaoh will free the chief of the butlers from prison and restore him to his position as grape presser and cup hander overer. The butler chief is overjoyed--who wouldn't be?--and agrees to Joseph's demand that he talk up Joseph to the pharaoh. "For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews," Joseph says. "And here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon."
"Suuuuure," the chief says. "I'm innocent, too."
Also overjoyed is the chief of the bakers, who had a similar dream. In his dream, he had 3 white baskets stacked on his head. In the uppermost basket were bake meats for the pharaoh, but a flock of birds attacked him and ate everything. Smiling, the bakers asks, "So? Am I getting my job back, too?"
Joseph smiles thinly. "Well, the good news is that, like the butler, you will also be released in 3 days," Joseph says. "The bad news is that the pharaoh will hang you and birds will peck at your corpse." The baker is, of course, devastated.
"I hate to ask you this," Joseph asks the stunned baker, "but don't mention my name to the pharaoh, okay? You're kind of damaged goods."
Three days later, the predictions come to pass: the butler is again butlering and the baker is baking in the sun with birds pecking at his eyeballs.
But the butler, once again enjoying the high life, forgets his promise to Joseph. Really, what does he owe to Joseph? Predictions only describe what's going to happen, they don't make it happen.
Or do they?
Monday, February 18, 2008
Genesis 38
Like a Nervous Teenager
Judah, one of Israel's sons who sold Joseph into slavery, has 3 sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. I'm positive it's pronounced "shea-lah," because homophobic fundy Christians would never worship a book where a character had a girl's name.
Er marries Tamar, and soon after does something so unspeakably awful in the sight of the Lord that the Lord strikes him dead. Considering some of the atrocities committed thus far, I can't even imagine what Er could have done to piss off God that much.
Judah has a plan for the widow Tamar: he wants Onan to marry her so she can have children to carry on Er's name. This doesn't sit right with Onan. Why should he father a child that everyone will recognize as Er's? His objections don't stop him from having sex with Tamar, but just before climaxing he pulls out and spurts on the ground. God is displeased with Onan's waste of sperm and strikes him dead. We're left to wonder how Tamar handles watching her dead husband's brother die after having sex with her.
A Message From Our Sponsor
So far I've refrained from overtly expressing my view of biblical interpretation, but the story of Onan touches on a matter near and dear to my heart. I speak of masturbation.
The story of Onan is often cited as a reason why God doesn't want you to masturbate. However, it's clear from the story that Onan wasn't masturbating. He was fucking his dead brother's wife and felt icky about impregnating her, so he pulled out. Instead of warning against masturbation, religious types should warn against fucking your dead brother's wife and then pulling out. It's obvious that that's what God really despises.
But I can see how a leap can be made from Onan's spilled seed to your average horny teenager's jerking it into a gym sock. Sperm wasted is sperm wasted, unless said teenager gives his girlfriend the sock as a tampon. I wouldn't make the leap, but at least it's an argument. So what should we make of the prohibition against female masturbation? News flash, folks: female orgasm is not integral to procreation the way male orgasm is. That means that girls should be able to twiddle all they want without incurring God's wrath.
All righty then. Back to our story, already in progress.
I Still Have One More Son
Judah, reeling from the death of two sons, suggests that Tamar get as far away from him as possible. "Remain a widow at thy father's house, till Shelah my son be grown," Judah says. "Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did." Judah's tactful, heartwarming speech no doubt makes Tamar feel better. Shelah, on the other hand, prays like mad that someone makes him a eunuch so he never has to marry the Black Widow.
A little while later, Judah's daughter dies. To comfort himself, he goes into the countryside to sheer some sheep. Recognizing an opportunity, Tamar changes from her mourning clothes to a hooker's outfit and a veil, and sits in an open field, waiting for Judah to walk past. When Judah comes by, he doesn't recognize his one-time daughter-in-law, thinking instead that she's a harlot. "Let me come in unto thee," Judah purrs.
Playing the part a bit too perfectly, Tamar asks, "What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?"
He offers her a kid goat. Skeptical, she accepts but only if he leaves her his ring, bracelets, and staff as insurance that he will come back with the goat. So the deal is made, as is some love, and Tamar of course conceives.
Judah sends a friend back to the field with the promised goat, but the harlot is nowhere to be found. Puzzled, Judah himself returns to the spot and searches for the harlot. He returns knowing that he finally got some sex for free.
Three months later word comes to Judah that Tamar has been acting slutty and is pregnant. Unironically enraged that a woman would let any old man have sex with her, Judah proposes burning her to death. Tamar is brought before him, but before punishment can be meted out she has a little surprise for him. "By the man, whose these are, am I with child," she says, and whips out Judah's ring, bracelets, and staff. Suddenly full of forgiveness, Judah admits that if he had just given Shelah a crack at her this never would have happened. He then swears of sleeping with his daughter-in-law.
In time, Tamar has twins. During delivery, a hand thrusts out of Tamar's vagina and the midwife ties a red string around the wrist. The hand slips back in, and minutes later Pharez is born--without the string around its wrist. But the second born, Zarah is born with the string around his wrist, and one arm that is incredibly long.
Judah, one of Israel's sons who sold Joseph into slavery, has 3 sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. I'm positive it's pronounced "shea-lah," because homophobic fundy Christians would never worship a book where a character had a girl's name.
Er marries Tamar, and soon after does something so unspeakably awful in the sight of the Lord that the Lord strikes him dead. Considering some of the atrocities committed thus far, I can't even imagine what Er could have done to piss off God that much.
Judah has a plan for the widow Tamar: he wants Onan to marry her so she can have children to carry on Er's name. This doesn't sit right with Onan. Why should he father a child that everyone will recognize as Er's? His objections don't stop him from having sex with Tamar, but just before climaxing he pulls out and spurts on the ground. God is displeased with Onan's waste of sperm and strikes him dead. We're left to wonder how Tamar handles watching her dead husband's brother die after having sex with her.
A Message From Our Sponsor
So far I've refrained from overtly expressing my view of biblical interpretation, but the story of Onan touches on a matter near and dear to my heart. I speak of masturbation.
The story of Onan is often cited as a reason why God doesn't want you to masturbate. However, it's clear from the story that Onan wasn't masturbating. He was fucking his dead brother's wife and felt icky about impregnating her, so he pulled out. Instead of warning against masturbation, religious types should warn against fucking your dead brother's wife and then pulling out. It's obvious that that's what God really despises.
But I can see how a leap can be made from Onan's spilled seed to your average horny teenager's jerking it into a gym sock. Sperm wasted is sperm wasted, unless said teenager gives his girlfriend the sock as a tampon. I wouldn't make the leap, but at least it's an argument. So what should we make of the prohibition against female masturbation? News flash, folks: female orgasm is not integral to procreation the way male orgasm is. That means that girls should be able to twiddle all they want without incurring God's wrath.
All righty then. Back to our story, already in progress.
I Still Have One More Son
Judah, reeling from the death of two sons, suggests that Tamar get as far away from him as possible. "Remain a widow at thy father's house, till Shelah my son be grown," Judah says. "Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did." Judah's tactful, heartwarming speech no doubt makes Tamar feel better. Shelah, on the other hand, prays like mad that someone makes him a eunuch so he never has to marry the Black Widow.
A little while later, Judah's daughter dies. To comfort himself, he goes into the countryside to sheer some sheep. Recognizing an opportunity, Tamar changes from her mourning clothes to a hooker's outfit and a veil, and sits in an open field, waiting for Judah to walk past. When Judah comes by, he doesn't recognize his one-time daughter-in-law, thinking instead that she's a harlot. "Let me come in unto thee," Judah purrs.
Playing the part a bit too perfectly, Tamar asks, "What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?"
He offers her a kid goat. Skeptical, she accepts but only if he leaves her his ring, bracelets, and staff as insurance that he will come back with the goat. So the deal is made, as is some love, and Tamar of course conceives.
Judah sends a friend back to the field with the promised goat, but the harlot is nowhere to be found. Puzzled, Judah himself returns to the spot and searches for the harlot. He returns knowing that he finally got some sex for free.
Three months later word comes to Judah that Tamar has been acting slutty and is pregnant. Unironically enraged that a woman would let any old man have sex with her, Judah proposes burning her to death. Tamar is brought before him, but before punishment can be meted out she has a little surprise for him. "By the man, whose these are, am I with child," she says, and whips out Judah's ring, bracelets, and staff. Suddenly full of forgiveness, Judah admits that if he had just given Shelah a crack at her this never would have happened. He then swears of sleeping with his daughter-in-law.
In time, Tamar has twins. During delivery, a hand thrusts out of Tamar's vagina and the midwife ties a red string around the wrist. The hand slips back in, and minutes later Pharez is born--without the string around its wrist. But the second born, Zarah is born with the string around his wrist, and one arm that is incredibly long.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Genesis 35, 36, 37
Jesus, Another Altar?
God, fresh off not interfering with sibling reconciliation, is obviously lonely and tells Jacob to move his whole family to Bethel to build an altar. Announcing the news to his puzzled family, Jacob instructs everyone to "put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments."
The family delivers to Jacob all the strange gods they have lying around and their earrings. Instead of destroying the objectionable items, Jacob buries them under an oak tree. In case the whole God thing turns out to be rubbish, he'll be wanting those strange gods.
Jacob and Co. arrive in Bethel and build the altar. The previously unmentioned Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, dies and is buried under an oak tree, presumably next to the strange gods and earrings. God comes down from wherever the hell it is lives when not screwing with people on earth and tells Jacob that his name is now Israel.
"Yeah, I know," Jacob says. "The guy in that U2 lyric renamed me. Aren't you reading this book, God?"
As the group is leaving Bethel, Rachel goes into hard labor. Strange, considering that no one has mentioned that she is pregnant. She has a boy, Benjamin, and dies. Jacob sets up a pillar on her grave, and once a year he travels back to Bethel to leave 3 roses and a bottle of cognac before slipping away unnoticed.
Back at home, the mandrake-loving Reuben sleeps with Israel's concubine Bilhah. No mention of a punishment yet, but one can only imagine that it will be a doozy.
Oh, and Isaac dies. It's just tossed in at the end of Chapter 35, so I doubt it has any significance whatsoever.
A Musical Is Born
All is not well with Esau. His rich brother is crowding him out. The fields aren't big enough for all the cattle. Everyone's all like "Israel this," and "Israel that," and Esau is sick of it. So he moves to Seir.
The rest of chapter 36 consists of a list of Esau's generations, the kind of names that people say when they want to make fun of biblical names. They are pretty funny, now that I think about them. Check them out here.
Chapter 37 introduces one of the more sympathetic and interesting characters so far--maybe the only sympathetic and interesting one: Joseph. All of Joseph's brothers hate him because he is their father Israel's favorite. Israel loves Joseph so much he made the boy a coat of many colors. Can you believe that shit? The other kids only got coats of a few colors. The hate gravy is Joseph's prophetic dreams. One involves Joe and his brother's stacking sheaves of wheat, and the brother's stacks bow obediently to Joseph's. This is widely interpreted to mean that one day Joseph will be the master of his brothers. Oh, shit! Now it's on!
Joseph has another dream: the sun, the moon, and 11 stars all bow to him. Boring the piss out of everyone in earshot, he won't shut up about the dream. Unfortunately, Joseph doesn't have a dream where his brothers plot to kill him but instead throw him into a pit and then sell him to Midianite merchants for 20 pieces of silver. Now that would have been a good dream to have because it's about to come true.
Covering up their crime, the brothers tear Joseph's coat, splash it with goat's blood, and tell Israel that Joseph was devoured by a beast. Israel is so upset he tears off his clothes and puts sackcloth on his genitals. I assume that means he was upset.
Later, the merchants sell Joseph to Potiphar, the captain of the Pharaoh's guard. I tell you , if I were Israel, I'd move my family to Arizona just to get away from the Egyptians. They've been nothing but trouble.
God, fresh off not interfering with sibling reconciliation, is obviously lonely and tells Jacob to move his whole family to Bethel to build an altar. Announcing the news to his puzzled family, Jacob instructs everyone to "put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments."
The family delivers to Jacob all the strange gods they have lying around and their earrings. Instead of destroying the objectionable items, Jacob buries them under an oak tree. In case the whole God thing turns out to be rubbish, he'll be wanting those strange gods.
Jacob and Co. arrive in Bethel and build the altar. The previously unmentioned Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, dies and is buried under an oak tree, presumably next to the strange gods and earrings. God comes down from wherever the hell it is lives when not screwing with people on earth and tells Jacob that his name is now Israel.
"Yeah, I know," Jacob says. "The guy in that U2 lyric renamed me. Aren't you reading this book, God?"
As the group is leaving Bethel, Rachel goes into hard labor. Strange, considering that no one has mentioned that she is pregnant. She has a boy, Benjamin, and dies. Jacob sets up a pillar on her grave, and once a year he travels back to Bethel to leave 3 roses and a bottle of cognac before slipping away unnoticed.
Back at home, the mandrake-loving Reuben sleeps with Israel's concubine Bilhah. No mention of a punishment yet, but one can only imagine that it will be a doozy.
Oh, and Isaac dies. It's just tossed in at the end of Chapter 35, so I doubt it has any significance whatsoever.
A Musical Is Born
All is not well with Esau. His rich brother is crowding him out. The fields aren't big enough for all the cattle. Everyone's all like "Israel this," and "Israel that," and Esau is sick of it. So he moves to Seir.
The rest of chapter 36 consists of a list of Esau's generations, the kind of names that people say when they want to make fun of biblical names. They are pretty funny, now that I think about them. Check them out here.
Chapter 37 introduces one of the more sympathetic and interesting characters so far--maybe the only sympathetic and interesting one: Joseph. All of Joseph's brothers hate him because he is their father Israel's favorite. Israel loves Joseph so much he made the boy a coat of many colors. Can you believe that shit? The other kids only got coats of a few colors. The hate gravy is Joseph's prophetic dreams. One involves Joe and his brother's stacking sheaves of wheat, and the brother's stacks bow obediently to Joseph's. This is widely interpreted to mean that one day Joseph will be the master of his brothers. Oh, shit! Now it's on!
Joseph has another dream: the sun, the moon, and 11 stars all bow to him. Boring the piss out of everyone in earshot, he won't shut up about the dream. Unfortunately, Joseph doesn't have a dream where his brothers plot to kill him but instead throw him into a pit and then sell him to Midianite merchants for 20 pieces of silver. Now that would have been a good dream to have because it's about to come true.
Covering up their crime, the brothers tear Joseph's coat, splash it with goat's blood, and tell Israel that Joseph was devoured by a beast. Israel is so upset he tears off his clothes and puts sackcloth on his genitals. I assume that means he was upset.
Later, the merchants sell Joseph to Potiphar, the captain of the Pharaoh's guard. I tell you , if I were Israel, I'd move my family to Arizona just to get away from the Egyptians. They've been nothing but trouble.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Genesis 32, 33, 34
Run for Your Life! My Brother's in Town!
Jacob fears that the time he impersonated his brother, Esau, to steal their father's blessing has irreparably damaged their relationship. That and when he poked a hole in Esau's Stretch Armstrong just to see what was inside.
To make things right, Jacob sends messengers to feel out Esau. The message: I have scores of cattle, dozens of servants, four women I'm sleeping with, and 11 kids, all thanks to the blessing meant for you. How's it going for you and your Canaanite wife dad didn't want you to marry?
The messengers return with the news that Esau is on his way with 400 men in tow.
Jacob wets his pants. He then divides his caravan in 2 so that if Esau slaughters one group the other will survive. His only problem now is how to make sure the group he doesn't go with is the one that will be destroyed.
The wet-pantsed Jacob prays to God. "Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau," he says. "For I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children. But especially me. I'm really most concerned about me."
He decides to blunt Esau's anger by sending the hairy orangutan a present of 200 she goats and 20 he goats, 200 ewes and 20 rams, 30 camels and their colts, 40 cows and 10 bulls, 20 she asses, and 10 foals. Not a bright move, an ostentatious display of wealth to a man bent on killing you because you got rich off his stolen blessing.
As a few nervous servants herd all those animals to Esau, Jacob sends his wives and concubines and their 11 children away as decoys, hoping his brother's blood lust will be slaked if he kills them first. Jacob is left alone and inexplicably wrestles a man from nightfall to daybreak. The man touches the hollow of Jacob's thigh, causing it to go out of joint. Jacob wrestles on through the pain thanks to the timely application of Icy Hot.
With no clear winner is sight, Jacob demands his opponent bless him. The man does, renaming Jacob Israel in the process.
Draw your own conclusions about what happened, but the sodomy and Jacob's subsequent drag queen name form the basis for a key U2 lyric, so who am I to judge. To this day, Jews will not eat the sinew which is in the hollow of the thigh. Just as well, considering no one knows what the hell it is anyway.
Exhausted from his all-night oil wrestling, Jacob sees Esau coming across the land. Too tired to stand, Jacob pees himself lying down. Then he throws up and shits himself.
But Esau and his 400 men aren't there to kill Jacob. In fact, Esau runs up to Jacob and, ignoring the pee and shit smell, embraces him and weeps on his neck. Rachel, Leah, the handmaidens, and all the children appear and awkward introductions are made.
No doubt feeling guilty about the Stretch Armstrong thing,
Off With Your Foreskin!
Leah's daughter Dinah is spotted by Prince Shechem, the son of Hamor the Hivite. As princes are wont to do, he takes Dinah and defiles her. Oh, Bible! What a hopeless romantic you are.
Prince Shechem falls in love with Dinah, and he asks his dad to ensure that she becomes his wife. Hamor approaches
But Dinah cannot marry the prince because he is not circumcised. So
Hamor meets with all the men and tells them that Israel and his people are nice and friendly, and would love to trade their daughters for the right to live on the land they're already living on, and that the deal is basically done except for one little mine detail you all have to lop off the tips of your penises but other than that it's all totally cool."
"What was that last part?" the men ask.
"Oh, it's all totally cool," Hamor says.
"No, the part before the totally cool part."
"Oh, we'll let them live on their land."
"After that."
"You all have to lop off the tips of your penises?"
"Yeah, that's what we thought you said."
Unbelievably, the men agree. But three days later, as the men lie around nursing their bloody penises, Israel's sons Simeon and Levi sneak into the city, kill all the men, take all the animals, and kidnap the women and children.
His sons respond, "Should he [Shechem] deal with our sister as with a harlot?"
"Good point,"
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Genesis 30, 31
Take My Handmaiden, Please!
Rachel is understandably upset that her sister, Leah, is squeezing out pups while she herself can't get knocked up. Of course, Jacob is to blame--an odd reaction considering he's already had 4 with Leah, proving his sperm's mobility. Jacob rightfully blames God, and God blames--well, God has no one to blame but himself, considering he's the one that sealed her womb and all. Feeling guilty, God kills a bunch of people for no good reason. Never fails to make him feel better.
Fearing a retirement in Boca with no grandchildren to spoil, Rachel hatches an ingenious plan, one borrowed from Sarah: she will give her handmaiden Bilhah to Jacob to impregnate. The plan works and Bilhah bears a son. Rachel takes all the credit and claims the boy, Dan, as her own. Bilhah conceives again and gives birth to Naphtali, a name that never caught on as Dan did.
Not to be outdone, Leah gives her handmaiden Zilpah to Jacob. Just because, you know? I guess it's a sister thing. Zilpah bears a son, named Gad. Soon, Zilpah has a second son, named Asher.
Rachel is furious that her own handmaiden, her hated sister, and her hated sister's handmaiden are all sleeping with Jacob and having babies by the boatload, so she transfers her rage to basket of mandrakes her nephew Reuben brings home. She really, really, really wants those mandrakes and makes a huge stink about them.
"Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband?" the irony-deficient Leah asks. "Wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also?" Rachel, clearly not thinking at all, makes a compromise. "OK," she says. "If you giveth me the mandrakes you can spendeth the night with Jacob."
"Reuben," Leah says, "give whatever the hell those things are to Rachel. I'm getting laid tonight!"
Rachel takes the mandrakes home and spends the evening dressing them up and taking them for a stroll in her doll carriage.
Baby Race!
Turns out that Rachel made a bad deal for those mandrakes: as a result of that night's sleeping arrangements, Leah bears Jabob a fifth son. Later, she conceives number six. But wait! She conceives again, this time a daughter, Dinah, who at some point blows some kind of horn or something.
God, in a strange change of heart that makes sense only to him, decides this is a great time to open Rachel's womb. The Big Guy also creates Barry White, which really gets the party going. The result? Rachel bears Jacob a son.
How many is that so far? Let's see...Leah, and Bilhath, and Zilpath, and Rachel...holy shit. Jacob has 11 kids by four different women! Somewhere right now P. Diddy is calling Jacob a playa.
Meanwhile, Jacob is so tired of all this pussy that he asks Laban to release him from his labor. Laban agrees, and he and Jacob agree on a payment: all the spotted and speckled cattle, all the brown sheep, and all the spotted and speckled goats, then asks Laban to move three days journey away. Oh, and Rachel and Leah. Can't forget that they were payment too.
Jacob quickly creates some voodoo to increase his livestock: taking rods of green poplar, hazel, and chestnut, he puts them in the animals' watering troughs. After drinking from the mahic rod water, the animals conceive like mad, and Jacob finds himself with a huge stock. Just to be a prick, Jacob sends the weakest of the new breed to Laban and keeps the strongest for himself. The mighty animals drink the horny water again, and the cycle starts anew. Jacob grows rich.
Laban realizes that Jacob actually accomplished something with the fair wages he was paid for 2 decades of hard work and is characteristically pissed. His sons are pissed too, but because they only now realized that Laban threw their foosball table into the deal when they weren't looking.
Jacob starts bitching to Rachel and Leah about their dad. "And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times," he says. "And now he wants the friggin' foosball table back? That's bullshit, man." They pack up camels with all their goods, and tote along all the livestock the magic rods, and head for Canaan, Jacob's homeland. Somewhere in there are Jacob's 11 kids and his two handmaiden fuck buddies, I'm sure, but the Bible doesn't say exactly.
Last Dance With Mary Jane
Laban hears of the Jacob's trek 3 days later and immediately sets out after him. God comes to Laban in a dream and warns him not to speak to Jacob "either good or bad." What kind of conversation is left to have is a mystery. Perhaps they can talk about American Idol.
Catching up to Jacob 7 days later, Laban lays into him. "What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword?" Laban says, totally making up the sword part. "Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me."
"Well,"Jacob says, "fleeing in secret is the best way to flee, actually. And didn't you give me all this stuff as payment for 20 years of work? How am I fleeing from you, exactly?"
Turns out that the reason Laban is pissed is that he wanted to have a party in honor of Jacob's leaving. Imagine that? Chasing a guy for 7 days across the desert to tell him you wanted to throw him a party! What a great father-in-law!
But Laban's not exactly telling the truth. What he's really looking for are his "gods," which he believes Rachel and Leah took with them. According to biblical scholars, "gods," loosely translated, means "weed."
Laban ransaks every tent looking for his ganja, but comes up empty. At last he sees Rachel, sitting on a camel saddle, under which is the goods. She refuses to stand up and he goes all Reefer Madness on her tears the tent apart. Jonesing pretty hard, he storms out.
"These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and that sticky icky is my sticky icky," Laban says to Jacob. "You even rolled over your 401(k). You heartless bastard!"
After he calms down, Laban proposes a pact with Jacob. The two build pillars of rocks, and Laban says, "If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee."
"What about the handmaidens?" Jacob asks.
"Oh, they don't count," Laban says.
Laban points to the rock pillars. "This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm," he says. "Now I gotta go see a guy about a thing."
Rachel is understandably upset that her sister, Leah, is squeezing out pups while she herself can't get knocked up. Of course, Jacob is to blame--an odd reaction considering he's already had 4 with Leah, proving his sperm's mobility. Jacob rightfully blames God, and God blames--well, God has no one to blame but himself, considering he's the one that sealed her womb and all. Feeling guilty, God kills a bunch of people for no good reason. Never fails to make him feel better.
Fearing a retirement in Boca with no grandchildren to spoil, Rachel hatches an ingenious plan, one borrowed from Sarah: she will give her handmaiden Bilhah to Jacob to impregnate. The plan works and Bilhah bears a son. Rachel takes all the credit and claims the boy, Dan, as her own. Bilhah conceives again and gives birth to Naphtali, a name that never caught on as Dan did.
Not to be outdone, Leah gives her handmaiden Zilpah to Jacob. Just because, you know? I guess it's a sister thing. Zilpah bears a son, named Gad. Soon, Zilpah has a second son, named Asher.
Rachel is furious that her own handmaiden, her hated sister, and her hated sister's handmaiden are all sleeping with Jacob and having babies by the boatload, so she transfers her rage to basket of mandrakes her nephew Reuben brings home. She really, really, really wants those mandrakes and makes a huge stink about them.
"Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband?" the irony-deficient Leah asks. "Wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also?" Rachel, clearly not thinking at all, makes a compromise. "OK," she says. "If you giveth me the mandrakes you can spendeth the night with Jacob."
"Reuben," Leah says, "give whatever the hell those things are to Rachel. I'm getting laid tonight!"
Rachel takes the mandrakes home and spends the evening dressing them up and taking them for a stroll in her doll carriage.
Baby Race!
Turns out that Rachel made a bad deal for those mandrakes: as a result of that night's sleeping arrangements, Leah bears Jabob a fifth son. Later, she conceives number six. But wait! She conceives again, this time a daughter, Dinah, who at some point blows some kind of horn or something.
God, in a strange change of heart that makes sense only to him, decides this is a great time to open Rachel's womb. The Big Guy also creates Barry White, which really gets the party going. The result? Rachel bears Jacob a son.
How many is that so far? Let's see...Leah, and Bilhath, and Zilpath, and Rachel...holy shit. Jacob has 11 kids by four different women! Somewhere right now P. Diddy is calling Jacob a playa.
Meanwhile, Jacob is so tired of all this pussy that he asks Laban to release him from his labor. Laban agrees, and he and Jacob agree on a payment: all the spotted and speckled cattle, all the brown sheep, and all the spotted and speckled goats, then asks Laban to move three days journey away. Oh, and Rachel and Leah. Can't forget that they were payment too.
Jacob quickly creates some voodoo to increase his livestock: taking rods of green poplar, hazel, and chestnut, he puts them in the animals' watering troughs. After drinking from the mahic rod water, the animals conceive like mad, and Jacob finds himself with a huge stock. Just to be a prick, Jacob sends the weakest of the new breed to Laban and keeps the strongest for himself. The mighty animals drink the horny water again, and the cycle starts anew. Jacob grows rich.
Laban realizes that Jacob actually accomplished something with the fair wages he was paid for 2 decades of hard work and is characteristically pissed. His sons are pissed too, but because they only now realized that Laban threw their foosball table into the deal when they weren't looking.
Jacob starts bitching to Rachel and Leah about their dad. "And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times," he says. "And now he wants the friggin' foosball table back? That's bullshit, man." They pack up camels with all their goods, and tote along all the livestock the magic rods, and head for Canaan, Jacob's homeland. Somewhere in there are Jacob's 11 kids and his two handmaiden fuck buddies, I'm sure, but the Bible doesn't say exactly.
Last Dance With Mary Jane
Laban hears of the Jacob's trek 3 days later and immediately sets out after him. God comes to Laban in a dream and warns him not to speak to Jacob "either good or bad." What kind of conversation is left to have is a mystery. Perhaps they can talk about American Idol.
Catching up to Jacob 7 days later, Laban lays into him. "What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword?" Laban says, totally making up the sword part. "Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me."
"Well,"Jacob says, "fleeing in secret is the best way to flee, actually. And didn't you give me all this stuff as payment for 20 years of work? How am I fleeing from you, exactly?"
Turns out that the reason Laban is pissed is that he wanted to have a party in honor of Jacob's leaving. Imagine that? Chasing a guy for 7 days across the desert to tell him you wanted to throw him a party! What a great father-in-law!
But Laban's not exactly telling the truth. What he's really looking for are his "gods," which he believes Rachel and Leah took with them. According to biblical scholars, "gods," loosely translated, means "weed."
Laban ransaks every tent looking for his ganja, but comes up empty. At last he sees Rachel, sitting on a camel saddle, under which is the goods. She refuses to stand up and he goes all Reefer Madness on her tears the tent apart. Jonesing pretty hard, he storms out.
"These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and that sticky icky is my sticky icky," Laban says to Jacob. "You even rolled over your 401(k). You heartless bastard!"
After he calms down, Laban proposes a pact with Jacob. The two build pillars of rocks, and Laban says, "If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee."
"What about the handmaidens?" Jacob asks.
"Oh, they don't count," Laban says.
Laban points to the rock pillars. "This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm," he says. "Now I gotta go see a guy about a thing."
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Genesis 27, 28, 29
Eating the Venison
Isaac is old and has cataracts, but because God doesn't invent Lasik for another 6,000 years, he's kind of stuck with dim vision. That's good news for Jacob, the heel-grabbing brother of Esau, who in true biblical fashion is about to take advantage of someone weak and vulnerable.
The story: Isaac calls Esau to his tent intending to bless his elder son. Create a savory meat, preferably venison, Isaac instructs Esau, winking at the mention of "venison." Rebekah overhears the conversation--she may be old, but she's not deaf--and tells Jacob how he can steal his brother's blessing. "Go now to the flock," she says, "and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savory meat for thy father, such as he loveth." Jacob is such a mama's boy that he can't even make the meal with which he plans to steal his brother's blessing. No wonder Isaac likes Esau better.
Jacob bring up a solid objection: Esau is Robin Williams hairy and he, Jacob, is smooth, like the buttocks of the helpless boy he is. When Isaac feels him--which I'm sure has something to do with eating the venison--he will curse Jacob instead of bless him.
But Rebekah has it all figured out. She takes the skin of the goat and places it on Jacob's hands, arms, and the back of his neck--in case Isaac tries to push his head down while he's "eating the venison"--and makes him wear Esau's clothes. Wearing his brother's clothes and the skin of a goat, and bearing the savory meat he didn't prepare, Jacob goes to steal himself a blessing!
Isaac is initially confused. "The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau," he says. Having no reason to suspect traitorous behavior from a family member, he agrees to bless Jacob. "Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine: Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee." The blessing ends with the words God said to Abraham: "Cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee." Jacob is certain that this time it will come true.
In classic sitcom fashion, as soon as Jacob leaves Esau comes in. "Here's your savory meat, Mr Furley!" Esau says, and then trips over an ottoman. Isaac wants to know why Esau has brought him another stew. "But I didn't..." Esau begins. "Newman!" he cries.
Just then, a piano falls through the tent and crushes him.
From his painful place beneath the Steinway, Esau begs his father for any kind of sloppy seconds blessing. "Uh," Isaac says, "you can live on the land. With your brother's permission, of course. But I guess that's true of everyone now. And I've got some old Bread albums you can have." Esau vows revenge on his brother, because if there's one thing he hates its 70s soft rock.
Rebekah learns of Esau's plan to kill Jacob and tells her youngest son to flee to her brother Laban. She fears that Jacob will marry a daughter of Heth, a clan that lives in Canaan. "Why can't he marry a good Jewish girl?" Rebekah wonders.
Hairy Legs and All
Chapter 28 begins with Isaac again blessing Jacob and telling him to marry one of Laban's daughters--you know, just to keep the polluted gene pool stirred up a bit. "But whatever you do," Isaac said, "don't marry a Canaanite. They all have crabs and they smell of beets. And they don't shave their pits. They are total sluts."
Esau hears the warning and, just to rile the old man up, decides to marry a Canaanite. That, and he loves sluts and beets.
On the road to Laban's, Jacob lies down to sleep with some rocks as a pillow and has a dream of a giant ladder descending from the sky with angels of the Lord going up and down it. At the top is God, who blesses Jacob. "And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth," God says. "And thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And southwest, and northeast, and north by northwest, and..."
"I get it," Jacob says.
Jacob wakes and uses his pillow stones as an altar, on which he pours some oil. He swears that as long as God stays with him he shall give God ten percent of all he makes. Jacob also suggests that God set up a no-load IRA, preferably a Roth, and maybe a 529 to cover the college costs of any future children he might have.
Like Father, Like Son
Isaac reaches Haran and stops at a well for water, and who should he see fetching water but Rachel, Laban's daughter--his own cousin! Funny how history repeats itself.
Laban, who learned his lesson after marrying off his sister for nothing, says that Jacob can have Rachel for his wife only after he works on the family farm for 7 years. The years pass like days, so great is Jacob's love for his cousin. Everyone around them is disgusted by the cheese curd hearts Jacob makes.
After the 7 years passes, Jacob demands that Laban pay up. That evening, instead of bringing Rachel to Isaac's tent, Laban brings his eldest daughter, Leah. It's the old bait and switch! Jacob falls for it, and sleeps with Leah. The next morning, Jacob is understandably pissed. The criticism rolls right off Laban, who justifies his deceit by saying it's customary to marry the oldest before the youngest. He then offers Jacob another deal: If Jacob can bang Leah for one week, he gets to marry Rachel, too. One catch, though: Jacob has to agree to work another 7 years. Dreaming of the awesome sister threesomes he'll have, Jacob agrees.
For some reason, God is annoyed that Jacob loves Rachel, the woman he courted for 7 years, and hates Leah, the woman he was tricked into sleeping with and then marrying by her conniving father. God does something absolutely character consistent: he makes Rachel barren and opens Leah's womb. Leah subsequently has 4 children with Jacob, which means that even though he hates her, Jacob still sleeps with her.
Now that's my kind of guy.
Isaac is old and has cataracts, but because God doesn't invent Lasik for another 6,000 years, he's kind of stuck with dim vision. That's good news for Jacob, the heel-grabbing brother of Esau, who in true biblical fashion is about to take advantage of someone weak and vulnerable.
The story: Isaac calls Esau to his tent intending to bless his elder son. Create a savory meat, preferably venison, Isaac instructs Esau, winking at the mention of "venison." Rebekah overhears the conversation--she may be old, but she's not deaf--and tells Jacob how he can steal his brother's blessing. "Go now to the flock," she says, "and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savory meat for thy father, such as he loveth." Jacob is such a mama's boy that he can't even make the meal with which he plans to steal his brother's blessing. No wonder Isaac likes Esau better.
Jacob bring up a solid objection: Esau is Robin Williams hairy and he, Jacob, is smooth, like the buttocks of the helpless boy he is. When Isaac feels him--which I'm sure has something to do with eating the venison--he will curse Jacob instead of bless him.
But Rebekah has it all figured out. She takes the skin of the goat and places it on Jacob's hands, arms, and the back of his neck--in case Isaac tries to push his head down while he's "eating the venison"--and makes him wear Esau's clothes. Wearing his brother's clothes and the skin of a goat, and bearing the savory meat he didn't prepare, Jacob goes to steal himself a blessing!
Isaac is initially confused. "The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau," he says. Having no reason to suspect traitorous behavior from a family member, he agrees to bless Jacob. "Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine: Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee." The blessing ends with the words God said to Abraham: "Cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee." Jacob is certain that this time it will come true.
In classic sitcom fashion, as soon as Jacob leaves Esau comes in. "Here's your savory meat, Mr Furley!" Esau says, and then trips over an ottoman. Isaac wants to know why Esau has brought him another stew. "But I didn't..." Esau begins. "Newman!" he cries.
Just then, a piano falls through the tent and crushes him.
From his painful place beneath the Steinway, Esau begs his father for any kind of sloppy seconds blessing. "Uh," Isaac says, "you can live on the land. With your brother's permission, of course. But I guess that's true of everyone now. And I've got some old Bread albums you can have." Esau vows revenge on his brother, because if there's one thing he hates its 70s soft rock.
Rebekah learns of Esau's plan to kill Jacob and tells her youngest son to flee to her brother Laban. She fears that Jacob will marry a daughter of Heth, a clan that lives in Canaan. "Why can't he marry a good Jewish girl?" Rebekah wonders.
Hairy Legs and All
Chapter 28 begins with Isaac again blessing Jacob and telling him to marry one of Laban's daughters--you know, just to keep the polluted gene pool stirred up a bit. "But whatever you do," Isaac said, "don't marry a Canaanite. They all have crabs and they smell of beets. And they don't shave their pits. They are total sluts."
Esau hears the warning and, just to rile the old man up, decides to marry a Canaanite. That, and he loves sluts and beets.
On the road to Laban's, Jacob lies down to sleep with some rocks as a pillow and has a dream of a giant ladder descending from the sky with angels of the Lord going up and down it. At the top is God, who blesses Jacob. "And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth," God says. "And thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And southwest, and northeast, and north by northwest, and..."
"I get it," Jacob says.
Jacob wakes and uses his pillow stones as an altar, on which he pours some oil. He swears that as long as God stays with him he shall give God ten percent of all he makes. Jacob also suggests that God set up a no-load IRA, preferably a Roth, and maybe a 529 to cover the college costs of any future children he might have.
Like Father, Like Son
Isaac reaches Haran and stops at a well for water, and who should he see fetching water but Rachel, Laban's daughter--his own cousin! Funny how history repeats itself.
Laban, who learned his lesson after marrying off his sister for nothing, says that Jacob can have Rachel for his wife only after he works on the family farm for 7 years. The years pass like days, so great is Jacob's love for his cousin. Everyone around them is disgusted by the cheese curd hearts Jacob makes.
After the 7 years passes, Jacob demands that Laban pay up. That evening, instead of bringing Rachel to Isaac's tent, Laban brings his eldest daughter, Leah. It's the old bait and switch! Jacob falls for it, and sleeps with Leah. The next morning, Jacob is understandably pissed. The criticism rolls right off Laban, who justifies his deceit by saying it's customary to marry the oldest before the youngest. He then offers Jacob another deal: If Jacob can bang Leah for one week, he gets to marry Rachel, too. One catch, though: Jacob has to agree to work another 7 years. Dreaming of the awesome sister threesomes he'll have, Jacob agrees.
For some reason, God is annoyed that Jacob loves Rachel, the woman he courted for 7 years, and hates Leah, the woman he was tricked into sleeping with and then marrying by her conniving father. God does something absolutely character consistent: he makes Rachel barren and opens Leah's womb. Leah subsequently has 4 children with Jacob, which means that even though he hates her, Jacob still sleeps with her.
Now that's my kind of guy.
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