Genesis 35, 36, 37

Jesus, Another Altar?

God, fresh off not interfering with sibling reconciliation, is obviously lonely and tells Jacob to move his whole family to Bethel to build an altar. Announcing the news to his puzzled family, Jacob instructs everyone to "put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments."

The family delivers to Jacob all the strange gods they have lying around and their earrings. Instead of destroying the objectionable items, Jacob buries them under an oak tree. In case the whole God thing turns out to be rubbish, he'll be wanting those strange gods.

Jacob and Co. arrive in Bethel and build the altar. The previously unmentioned Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, dies and is buried under an oak tree, presumably next to the strange gods and earrings. God comes down from wherever the hell it is lives when not screwing with people on earth and tells Jacob that his name is now Israel.

"Yeah, I know," Jacob says. "The guy in that U2 lyric renamed me. Aren't you reading this book, God?"

As the group is leaving Bethel, Rachel goes into hard labor. Strange, considering that no one has mentioned that she is pregnant. She has a boy, Benjamin, and dies. Jacob sets up a pillar on her grave, and once a year he travels back to Bethel to leave 3 roses and a bottle of cognac before slipping away unnoticed.

Back at home, the mandrake-loving Reuben sleeps with Israel's concubine Bilhah. No mention of a punishment yet, but one can only imagine that it will be a doozy.

Oh, and Isaac dies. It's just tossed in at the end of Chapter 35, so I doubt it has any significance whatsoever.

A Musical Is Born

All is not well with Esau. His rich brother is crowding him out. The fields aren't big enough for all the cattle. Everyone's all like "Israel this," and "Israel that," and Esau is sick of it. So he moves to Seir.

The rest of chapter 36 consists of a list of Esau's generations, the kind of names that people say when they want to make fun of biblical names. They are pretty funny, now that I think about them. Check them out here.

Chapter 37 introduces one of the more sympathetic and interesting characters so far--maybe the only sympathetic and interesting one: Joseph. All of Joseph's brothers hate him because he is their father Israel's favorite. Israel loves Joseph so much he made the boy a coat of many colors. Can you believe that shit? The other kids only got coats of a few colors. The hate gravy is Joseph's prophetic dreams. One involves Joe and his brother's stacking sheaves of wheat, and the brother's stacks bow obediently to Joseph's. This is widely interpreted to mean that one day Joseph will be the master of his brothers. Oh, shit! Now it's on!

Joseph has another dream: the sun, the moon, and 11 stars all bow to him. Boring the piss out of everyone in earshot, he won't shut up about the dream. Unfortunately, Joseph doesn't have a dream where his brothers plot to kill him but instead throw him into a pit and then sell him to Midianite merchants for 20 pieces of silver. Now that would have been a good dream to have because it's about to come true.

Covering up their crime, the brothers tear Joseph's coat, splash it with goat's blood, and tell Israel that Joseph was devoured by a beast. Israel is so upset he tears off his clothes and puts sackcloth on his genitals. I assume that means he was upset.

Later, the merchants sell Joseph to Potiphar, the captain of the Pharaoh's guard. I tell you , if I were Israel, I'd move my family to Arizona just to get away from the Egyptians. They've been nothing but trouble.