Exodus 13, 14

The first thing God does after securing the Israelites' freedom on the back of dead Egyptians is reiterate his hatred of good bread. He then swears that he will lead his chosen people to a land "flowing with milk and honey," which sounds unsanitary, smelly, and soggy. Know what would be better than a land flowing with milk and honey? One flowing with hot and cold running babes. I might follow some nutjob in the desert for 40 years if I thought they'd be a chance of getting some tail at the end of it all. Milk and honey? I can get those at the A&P. Tail? That'd take a real miracle.

On his way out of Egypt, Moses exhumes the bones of Joseph, he of the many-colored coat and former right-hand man to a pharaoh, to carry with him to the Soggy Land. That's all Joseph needs: one last indignity at the hands of a relative. Can't Moses let the guy rest in peace? Moses immediately sells Joseph's body to some passing traders, just to make the old guy feel at home.

To help the Israelites along, the Lord leads the way by taking the form of a pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night. Moses is grateful for the assistance, but the burning pillar keeps him up at night, and he asks God if He could change Himself into a Hello Kitty night light instead. God is not amused.

Even though God secured the Israelites freedom in a drawn-out battle of plagues and heart-hardening, He isn't done punishing the Egyptians yet. Just for kicks, He hardens the pharaoh's heart one last time. As pharaoh steps over the fallen bodies of his countrymen, shakes locust husks from his hair, finishes up the last of the frog leg soup, and downs a glass of river blood, he addresses what's left of his nation: "Why have we done this, that we have let Israel go from serving us?"

"Because their God destroyed everything we hold dear?" someone shouts.

"Exactly," pharaoh says. "And we should certainly be thankful that we have anything at all left. But I've got a feeling our luck's about the change. Let's go get 'em!"

Pharaoh somehow locates 600 men willing to follow the obviously bat shit crazy fucker whose apparent obstinance cost them so much, and they set out in chariots to bring the Israelites back to captivity. They quickly overtake the Israelites, who are "sore afraid" of the angry horde, "sore afraid" being a biblical euphemism for "shitting bricks." They turn to Moses and do what they do a lot of in the next few books: utterly renounce him and all that he stands for and bitching about his leadership.

"Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness?" some smart aleck asks.

I have to say that this is the funniest thing I've read so far, and yes, I'm counting the story of Noah. It's really a great joke, and kudos to the quick wit who came up with it when faced with an advancing army of 600 pissed Egyptians. Of course, no one's laughing, but as the blog attests, just because no one's laughing doesn't mean it isn't funny.

"Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt?" the wit continues. "Is not this the word that we did tell thee in Egypt, saying, Let us alone, that we may serve the Egyptians? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness."

Moses calms everyone down. After all, the voice in his head has a plan! Moses raises his rod over the Red Sea and a strong wind parts the water, revealing a somewhat squishy path for a quick if messy escape. "Yeah, whatever," the wit says. "You still suck, Moses."

The Egyptians follow the Israelites into the path, and are halfway through when Moses reaches the far bank and raises his rod again, causing the water to crash down on the 600 men and their horses and chariots. Everyone dies. Except maybe the pharaoh. The Bible is mum on exactly who was killed, but suffice it to say that a lot of people were killed. And that's just how the Bible likes it.

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Hi. It's me again, the guy writing this. Every once in a while I pop in to interject some uninformed textual criticism. The last time I did this was during the story of Onan when I discussed the ridiculous rationale against masturbation. This time I'd like to discuss Egyptian record-keeping.

I find the Exodus story difficult to believe, and not for the usual the-Bible-is-made-up reason, although that's a good one. What's odd is that the terrible plagues, the death of the firstborn in every family, and the drowning of 600 men a short time after the death of the firstborn went unmentioned by the Egyptians. Even if the Egyptians didn't want to record these humiliating events, surely word would have spread and someone would have written them down in some form. One could argue that they were written down--by Moses. I wouldn't, though, because that would call into question this entire endeavor, and I'm kind of married to this blogging thing.

But these are huge events that decimated a nation. Surely they did not go unnoticed. Comments by anyone with an informed answer would be greatly appreciated.

So what's up next for Moses & Company? A really long song and complicated directions on how to make a table.

And don't steal Moses & Company as the name of your hipster clothing line. I've got dibs on it.