Genesis 27, 28, 29

Eating the Venison

Isaac is old and has cataracts, but because God doesn't invent Lasik for another 6,000 years, he's kind of stuck with dim vision. That's good news for Jacob, the heel-grabbing brother of Esau, who in true biblical fashion is about to take advantage of someone weak and vulnerable.

The story: Isaac calls Esau to his tent intending to bless his elder son. Create a savory meat, preferably venison, Isaac instructs Esau, winking at the mention of "venison." Rebekah overhears the conversation--she may be old, but she's not deaf--and tells Jacob how he can steal his brother's blessing. "Go now to the flock," she says, "and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savory meat for thy father, such as he loveth." Jacob is such a mama's boy that he can't even make the meal with which he plans to steal his brother's blessing. No wonder Isaac likes Esau better.

Jacob bring up a solid objection: Esau is Robin Williams hairy and he, Jacob, is smooth, like the buttocks of the helpless boy he is. When Isaac feels him--which I'm sure has something to do with eating the venison--he will curse Jacob instead of bless him.

But Rebekah has it all figured out. She takes the skin of the goat and places it on Jacob's hands, arms, and the back of his neck--in case Isaac tries to push his head down while he's "eating the venison"--and makes him wear Esau's clothes. Wearing his brother's clothes and the skin of a goat, and bearing the savory meat he didn't prepare, Jacob goes to steal himself a blessing!

Isaac is initially confused. "The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau," he says. Having no reason to suspect traitorous behavior from a family member, he agrees to bless Jacob. "Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine: Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee." The blessing ends with the words God said to Abraham: "Cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee." Jacob is certain that this time it will come true.

In classic sitcom fashion, as soon as Jacob leaves Esau comes in. "Here's your savory meat, Mr Furley!" Esau says, and then trips over an ottoman. Isaac wants to know why Esau has brought him another stew. "But I didn't..." Esau begins. "Newman!" he cries.

Just then, a piano falls through the tent and crushes him.

From his painful place beneath the Steinway, Esau begs his father for any kind of sloppy seconds blessing. "Uh," Isaac says, "you can live on the land. With your brother's permission, of course. But I guess that's true of everyone now. And I've got some old Bread albums you can have." Esau vows revenge on his brother, because if there's one thing he hates its 70s soft rock.

Rebekah learns of Esau's plan to kill Jacob and tells her youngest son to flee to her brother Laban. She fears that Jacob will marry a daughter of Heth, a clan that lives in Canaan. "Why can't he marry a good Jewish girl?" Rebekah wonders.

Hairy Legs and All

Chapter 28 begins with Isaac again blessing Jacob and telling him to marry one of Laban's daughters--you know, just to keep the polluted gene pool stirred up a bit. "But whatever you do," Isaac said, "don't marry a Canaanite. They all have crabs and they smell of beets. And they don't shave their pits. They are total sluts."

Esau hears the warning and, just to rile the old man up, decides to marry a Canaanite. That, and he loves sluts and beets.

On the road to Laban's, Jacob lies down to sleep with some rocks as a pillow and has a dream of a giant ladder descending from the sky with angels of the Lord going up and down it. At the top is God, who blesses Jacob. "And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth," God says. "And thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south. And southwest, and northeast, and north by northwest, and..."

"I get it," Jacob says.

Jacob wakes and uses his pillow stones as an altar, on which he pours some oil. He swears that as long as God stays with him he shall give God ten percent of all he makes. Jacob also suggests that God set up a no-load IRA, preferably a Roth, and maybe a 529 to cover the college costs of any future children he might have.

Like Father, Like Son

Isaac reaches Haran and stops at a well for water, and who should he see fetching water but Rachel, Laban's daughter--his own cousin! Funny how history repeats itself.

Laban, who learned his lesson after marrying off his sister for nothing, says that Jacob can have Rachel for his wife only after he works on the family farm for 7 years. The years pass like days, so great is Jacob's love for his cousin. Everyone around them is disgusted by the cheese curd hearts Jacob makes.

After the 7 years passes, Jacob demands that Laban pay up. That evening, instead of bringing Rachel to Isaac's tent, Laban brings his eldest daughter, Leah. It's the old bait and switch! Jacob falls for it, and sleeps with Leah. The next morning, Jacob is understandably pissed. The criticism rolls right off Laban, who justifies his deceit by saying it's customary to marry the oldest before the youngest. He then offers Jacob another deal: If Jacob can bang Leah for one week, he gets to marry Rachel, too. One catch, though: Jacob has to agree to work another 7 years. Dreaming of the awesome sister threesomes he'll have, Jacob agrees.

For some reason, God is annoyed that Jacob loves Rachel, the woman he courted for 7 years, and hates Leah, the woman he was tricked into sleeping with and then marrying by her conniving father. God does something absolutely character consistent: he makes Rachel barren and opens Leah's womb. Leah subsequently has 4 children with Jacob, which means that even though he hates her, Jacob still sleeps with her.

Now that's my kind of guy.