Genesis 24, 25, 26

Nahor: The Kentucky of Mesopotamia

Abraham calls his eldest servant over and says, "Put, I pray thee, they hand under my thigh." That's not a joke. The King James Version actually says that.

Then Abraham farts on his servant's hand. That Abraham, he's the life of the party.

The servant thigh-swears that he will not marry off Issac, Abraham's son, to a Canaanite but will instead find a woman from Abraham's country. Considering all the land that God has promised Abraham, the field is wide open chick-wise.

Taking 10 camels with him, the servant travels to Mesopotamia to the city of Nahor and parks by a well, hoping to flirt on Isaac's behalf with the women fetching water. He asks God to make Isaac's bride the first women who agrees to give him and his camels water from the pitcher she fills up. He also asks God to make the woman laugh at his double entendre about her big jugs.

Before he is finished telling God his next joke involving some water balloons, Abraham's niece Rebekah comes by and offers both the servant and his camels water. Totally skeeved out at the prospect of setting up Isaac with his own cousin, but bound by both his promise to God and Abraham's fart swear, the servant asks Rebekah if he can lodge at her house that night. Rebekah agrees, then asks him to pull her finger.

The servant is greeted with open arms by Rebekah's brother, Laban, and he introduces himself to the family: "The Lord hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses. You don't wanteth to know what my master did to get those things, but let's just say this whole cousin-marrying scheme doesn't surprise me in the least."

The servant bores everyone by relating the sorry tale of how he ended up in their house, and asks if Rebekah will agree to marry Isaac. Rebekah is about to answer--I'm guessing "no"--when Laban jumps in. "Behold," Laban says, "Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the Lord hath spoken." Rebekah smacks Laban's arm. "Mom," she says, "Laban is marrying me off to my cousin again. I hate you, Laban!" She storms off to her room and blasts Dashboard Confessional.

The next morning as the servant prepares to leave, Laban asks that Rebekah stay at home for at least 10 days. "You think I was born yesterday?" the servant asks. "Abraham hates it when women say no. Let's get hopping."

Cut to Isaac, meditating in a field. He sees the camel parade coming near and hastens toward it. The lovebirds take one look at each other and make a beeline for Isaac's mother's tent, where they totally do it on his parent's bed. They are now man and wife, but still have to clean up the wet spot before Abraham comes home.

The Hairy Orangutan Lacks Perspective

Horny old coot that he is, Abraham takes another wife, Keturah, proving that he's the Bible's answer to Gene Simmons. Keturha bears Abraham 6 children, but he gives everything he owns to Isaac. Oddly, he does reserve some give gifts to the sons of his concubines--yes, plural--but sends them away from Isaac. Finally, Abraham dies. The cause of death? Too much fucking.

Turns out that Rebekah, Isaac's wife and cousin, is also barren. The Lord entreats Isaac: "Try the hole on the other side." That works, and she conceives twins. Firstborn Esau is so hirsute he is described as wearing a hairy red garment. Isaac and Rebekah immediately set up an appointment with PT Barnum.

Second born Jacob comes out grasping Esau's heel, which means something I'm sure. Let's read on, shall we?

Esau grows up to be a cunning hunter; Jacob, a plain man. Guess who their dad likes better? Right, Esau, but only because he eats of Isaac's venison. I'm sure I'm reading into it, but that's what the book says.

One day, Esau, hungry and thirsty after a hard day of eating his father's venison, comes to Jacob begging for food. Jacob agrees to feed his brother in exchange for his birthright. Being as dull-witted as he is hairy like an orangutan, Esau agrees. It is the best lentil soup of his life, but still Esau vows to learn how to make a sandwich.

"Hey, baby, wanna go sportin'?"

A famine hits the land, and God helps out his people by bringing much needed rain to the area. Only kidding! God would never do something like that. Instead, he tells Isaac not to go the Egypt, which is the kind of helpful advice you want from your God when everyone around you is dying of malnutrition.

Isaac dwells in Gerar, and--get this--tells the men there that Rebekah is his sister! Isaac could have easily told them the truth: she is my cousin and I have no excuse being married to her in the first place. The ruse is discovered when the King of the Philistines looks out his window and sees Isaac and Rebekah "sporting" in a field. Why the king assumes they are married is beyond me.

Thankfully, no one has yet hit Rebekah's shit other than Isaac, so Isaac and Rebekah are allowed to stay in the community. Isaac sows the land and reaps a hundredfold what he planted. In response, all the men go around telling people their wives are really their sisters. Isaac grows so wealthy, the king tells him to leave. He moves to the valley where he becomes embroiled in disputes over well-water rights. The rest of the chapter reads like a legal brief. It's a yawner.

The chapter ends with Esau taking Judith as his wife, which surprises Isaac and Rebekah because they never thought he'd find someone to marry his hairy ass.