Genesis: What Have We Learned? Absolutely Nothing

I have finally finished blogging about Genesis. All I can say is what a drag, man, what a drag.

Reading the Bible is like passing a kidney stone: a curiosity when someone else does it, outright painful when you do. Maybe it's just the King James Version translation, but the Bible is so poorly written it makes the Da Vinci Code seem like it was written by Da Vinci himself. It's boring, repetitive, and mendacious. It's excremental.

I can't appreciate the Bible as the great work of literature it supposedly is. Maybe some critics mistake its sheer length for artistic merit. If that's the case, I'd like to show them my 2 thousand-page novel, The Run-On Sentence. It's really, rally good. Believe me.

The writing is a mess. There are never any concrete details, people and places come and go in the space of 2 paragraphs without any reason given as to why they were even mentioned, and plot lines are dropped as soon as they are introduced, usually for something as equally baffling and uninteresting. The characters are unsympathetic. Everyone acts like a total prick, especially if land, cattle, or women are involved. The reprehensible behavior exhibited by every major character makes me ashamed to be a human. And these men are held in high esteem for acting this way! No wonder religion is so fucked up. Genesis just plain sucks.

Reading it, I marvel at the suspension of disbelief that goes into religious conviction. Far from being divinely inspired, Genesis reads like an urban legend your gullible aunt would email you. What's immediately apparent is that while events are often attributed to God, it's the people who do all the damage. God comes to the actors in a dream or some other hallucinogenic form and they just go crazy and start killing people--Genesis does occur before the Ten Commandments were written, so I guess they have an excuse--or trading their daughters to their first cousins for some goats. Except for Lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt, every event is easily and completely explained in rational ways. And truthfully, I'm sure there's a precedent for the salt thing.

So why am I still still reading the KJV? Because there's been a lot more incest than I expected, and I can only imagine what surprises the other books hold.

For those of you who are just joining this blog and don't want to read all the posts so far, allow me hit Genesis' high points.

God created everything in the universe, then toggles the reset switch, blows into the cartridge a few times, and starts the game all over again. He creates a garden for Adam and Eve and requests that they do not eat of its fruit. They do. Personally, I think God should have seen that one coming, being omnipotent and all.

A and E have a kid who's a real asshole, then God floods the world to punish the human race's inequity. Things eventually dry out and a new, classier form of inequity takes root.

Abraham comes on the scene. Old Abe does some funky shit, including, but not limited to, telling everyone his wife is his sister and marrying her off someone else--twice, if you can believe it. And he's the guy responsible for circumcision. That Abraham. He was the life of the party, as long as you could keep him away from your wife and your penis.

Lot offers to give his two daughters to a murderous mob so they won't attack two strangers pretending to be angels he allowed into his house. For some reason his wife is turned to salt and not him.

Jacob gets plenty of pussy. His sons conspire to kill their youngest brother, Joseph, but instead sell him into slavery. Joseph can interpret dreams, so he become indispensable to the superstitious retards who believe in God to begin with. Famine hits, Joe gets his revenge, and end scene.

Up next: Exodus, Bob Marley's favorite book of the Bible.