Genesis 41, 42

I Have a Dream

Joseph rots in prison for 2 years. One night pharaoh chases a few OxyContin with a couple of shots of NyQuil and has some bizarro dreams. In the first, 7 fat cows emerge from the river to feed in a meadow. As they graze, 7 emaciated cows devour them. Even though they have eaten the fat cows, they remain skin and bones.

The pharaoh turns his pillow over to the cool side and dreams of 7 large, juicy ears of corn that sprout from a single stalk. The east wind causes 7 small, thin ears to sprout, and they devour the 7 large ears. If I were the pharaoh I'd be most disturbed that I dreamed ears of corn had mouths.

The pharaoh has another dream where he's playing bass for Journey and receives awesome groupie fellatio.

Pharaoh consults his dream symbols dictionary, but all he can find is a reference to acorns. The court magicians and wise men also fail to interpret his dreams. It's then that the chief butler remembers his promise to Joseph and tells the pharaoh how the Hebrew prisoner accurately interpreted his and the baker's dreams as they languished in jail. Pharaoh doesn't have any recollection of Joseph, who was once his right-hand man and whom he accused of attempted rape. He summons Joseph, because he has to find out if he and his bandmates will ever match the success of Escape.

The jailer gives Joseph a Brazilian and a change clothes for his audience with the pharaoh. "I have dreamed a dream, and there is none that can interpret it," pharaoh says to the freshened-up Joseph.

"I can," Joseph says. "It'll be $4.50 for the first minute, and $2.00 for each additional minute."

Pharaoh agrees, and says the dreams describe the same events. The 7 fat cows and the 7 healthy ears of corn represent 7 years of bountiful harvest. The 7 thin cows and 7 small ears of corn represent a devastating 7-year drought that will follow the years of plenty.

Pharaoh is not only unable to interpret dreams, he's unable to set policy, so he asks Joseph's advice on how to deal with the coming famine. "Now therefore let Pharaoh look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt," Joseph says. "Let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the 7 plenteous years. And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. And that food shall be for store to the land against the 7 years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine."

Impressed, mainly because he has no idea what Joseph is talking about, the pharaoh once again makes Joseph his second banana. To avoid any misunderstanding this time, he gives Joseph a wife. He also changes Joseph's name to Zaphnathpaaneah, which, never really catches on for some reason.

True to Joseph's interpretation, 7 years of bounty are followed by 7 years of famine. Because of Joseph's idea, the Egyptians have food aplenty and do not suffer. Of course, Joseph is the "man discreet and wise" he suggested the pharaoh find, sort of like how Dick Cheney headed Bush 42's vice president search committee and discovered that he himself was the best candidate. In his new post, Joseph sells the stored food to the hungry instead of giving it away. Joe's not being a dick, folks, it's just capitalism.

Payback's a Bitch, Especially in the Bible

The famine hits Canaan hard, and Jacob and his remaining sons are desperate for food. The old man hears of the Egyptian stockpiles and commands 10 of his sons--the very same who sold Joseph into slavery--to travel to Egypt and buy corn. Jacob keeps his youngest son, Benjamin, with him, because the last time those 10 guys went anywhere together someone was eaten by a beast and he's grown fond of the boy.

Joseph sees his brothers coming and pulls a Clark Kent on them. Donning horn-rimmed glasses and greasing his bangs into a curl, he deftly evades recognition. Just to fuck with them he speaks through an interpreter and accuses the brothers of being spies. They deny it, and for some reason tell Joseph that their youngest brother stayed home with their aged father. Joseph acts outraged and tells them that they must send one brother home to fetch the youngest, so he can see if they are telling the truth. He then changes his mind sends them all to prison.

Three days later he switches up his request: instead of sending one brother home to fetch the youngest, one brother must remain in prison and the rest must go fetch the youngest.

The brothers, thinking that Joseph doesn't understand them, express their regret at selling Joseph into slavery because it's now obvious that their decision has created some seriously negative karma for them. Touched by his brother's regrets, Joseph excuses himself and has a good cry in the next room like the sissy girly cry baby he is.

When he returns, he ties up Simeon and agrees to sell them corn. In the corn sacks Joseph has him men also return his brother's money. Upon their return to Canaan, they discover the money and seriously flip the fuck out. They have no idea if it's a prank, an error, or a set-up. When they tell Jacob about bringing Benjamin back in exchange for Simeon, he is heartbroken. He refuses to send Benjamin to Egypt and tells the boys not to return either. That means that Simeon is shit out of luck for now.

Everyone enjoys the corn.