Exodus 8, 9, 10, 11

It's been a couple of weeks since I've updated. But the Bible waits for no man, especially not me. So let's get on with the plagues!

When we last left Moses and his mouthpiece brother Aaron, Aaron had just turned all the water in Egypt to blood and the pharaoh had sulked home to enjoy a nice warm glass of O negative. The menstruating river lasted for 7 days and didn't convince the pharaoh that he should let the Israelites go free. Why? Because hardened his heart. It's important to note that God is fueling the plagues by making the pharaoh stubborn and heartless. The pharaoh is such a pussy he wanted to give in to Moses and Aaron's demands when the latter turned his rod into a snake. This blood shit must be making him crazy.

So the bloody river didn't work, so he Lord tells Moses to tell Aaron to stretch out his hand over the river so that a bazillion frogs may leap from every body of water, no matter how small, and overrun the land. Frogs. That's the best the Lord can do? He's going to overrun the land with a high-priced delicacy? I expect some ingenuity from God, not appetizers.

Aaron does as God commanded Moses to tell him what to do, and a shitload of frogs overtake the Egyptians. There are frogs everywhere: in every house, in every bed, in every oven, on every person. And they pee everywhere. It's just gross.

The Pharaoh, in an attempt to reproduce his success of imitating Aaron's stick-into-snake trick, commands his magicians to duplicate this latest disaster. The plan backfires on the pharaoh; the magicians succeed and the land is overrun with even more frogs. How anyone can tell which are the God-sent frogs and which were conjured up by the magicians is anyone's guess.

The idea of a million frogs hopping around and croaking exuberantly sounds cute at first, but pharaoh quickly realizes that its a drag scraping frog guts from your sandals all day long. To make the plague stop, he tells Moses that his people can go to worship the Lord if the frogs would only disappear. Moses agrees, the frogs all die and create a giant stink of rotting frog corpses, and the pharaoh predictably reneges on the deal--but only because God hardens his heart. Have I mentioned that before?

To punish pharaoh for possessing a heart so easily hardened by an all-powerful deity, God tells Moses to tell Aaron to strike the dust with his rod to turn every tiny mote into lice. Aaron obeys, and what is commonly referred to as the Itchy Plague begins.

Pharaoh calls his magicians together to duplicate the lice trick--why, I'm not sure. As with the frogs, it seems the prudent thing to do would be to have the magicians make the lice disappear, not try to make more. Thankfully, the magicians fail. "This is the finger of God," the magicians say. "One guess as to which finger."

God hardens pharaoh's heart. The next plague? Flies. Swarms and swarms of flies. As annoying as the flies are, what really annoys pharaoh is that his tall hat keeps getting caught on the fly paper dangling from the ceiling.

Pharaoh again tells Moses he'll let the Israelites go if the plague stops. Agreed, says Moses. The flies leave, God hardens pharaoh's heart, and bang! It starts all over again, this time with a grievous murrain. What's a murrain, you ask? According to dictionary.com it's "any of various diseases of cattle, as anthrax, foot-and-mouth disease, and Texas fever." I'm guessing the last one isn't included in the biblical definition.

All the horses asses, camels, sheep, oxen, and cattle not owned by Israelites die. But pharaoh doesn't care, for God has hardened his heart.

Then come the boils that burst with blains--defined as most likely black leprosy, but the word is only used in connection with the sixth plaque. Bursting boils. That's gotta smart. But pharaoh doesn't care, for God has hardened his heart.

Then comes the hail, with a little bit of fire mixed in just to scare the shit out of everyone. The hail-fire destroy everything, including pharaoh's resolve. "I have sinned this time: the LORD is righteous, and I and my people are wicked," Pharaoh says to Moses and Aaron. "Intreat the Lord (for it is enough) that there be no more mighty thunderings and hail; and I will let you go, and ye shall stay no longer."

Moses doesn't believe him, so the hail continues until the mature barley was destroyed, which seems arbitrary to me. The tender, young barely is spared, which is absolutely hilarious considering the aim of the tenth plague.

As soon as the hail stops, God hardens pharaoh's heart again. Which leads us to the next plague: locusts. Here's how God describes the coming locust storm to Moses:

"And they shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth: and they shall eat the residue of that which is escaped, which remaineth unto you from the hail, and shall eat every tree which groweth for you out of the field. And they shall fill thy houses, and the houses of all thy servants, and the houses of all the Egyptians; which neither thy fathers, nor thy fathers' fathers have seen, since the day that they were upon the earth unto this day."

The next day, cans of Raid were selling for $1000 on ebay.

But before the locusts come, pharaoh bargains with Moses and Aaron. He will allow all the men to leave to serve the Lord, but not the women and children. No way, Moses and Aaron say. The next morning, an east wind brings the locusts.

The swarm is so large it blots out the sun, and so ravenous that it devours every tiny leaf or herb in all of Egypt. The stoners are quite upset.

"Uncle!" cries the pharaoh. "I will let your people go!" And just like that, a west wind sweeps the locusts away.

But God's not through having fun yet, for he hardens pharaoh's heart again. That brings on the next plague: darkness that can be felt. So I'm guessing that God just wraps everyone in wool blankets.

After 3 days, tired of barking his shins on the living room coffee table, Pharaoh tells Moses and Aaron to leave already. "Go ye, serve the LORD," he says. "Only let your flocks and your herds be stayed: let your little ones also go with you."

Moses pleads that he must present burnt offerings to the Lord, so the livestock must accompany them. No way, says pharaoh because--wait for it--God has hardened his heart.

Oh no he didn't! Yes he did!

God--once again pissed that pharaoh allows himself to be manipulated--calls for one more plague, a terrible, terrible plague. But before he announces it, God instructs Moses and Aaron to have every man and woman borrow from their neighbors jewels of silver and gold. Considering that their only neighbors are the Egyptians, I'm guessing that the Israelites are going to come up a little short.

Then God drops the bomb: the last plague will be death to the firstborn in every family. And how does God know it will be the last?

Because he will finally allow pharaoh to do what he wanted to when he first saw the rod turn to a snake: let the Israelites go.