Genesis 43, 44, 45

The Battle of God's Favor

The corn doesn't last long in a house with 11 growing boys, that's for sure. So Jacob, being old and forgetful, instructs his sons to buy some more food from that nice man in Egypt.

"The man did solemnly protest unto us, saying, 'Ye shall not see my face, except your brother be with you,' " Judah reminds him.

"Oh shit, I forgot all about that," Jacob says. "By the way, where's Simeon?"Judah pleads with his dad to allow Benjamin to travel to Egypt, but Jacob adamantly refuses. Then his stomach growls and he relents.

"If it must be so now, do this," Jacob says. "Take of the best fruits in the land in your vessels, and carry down the man a present, a little balm, and a little honey, spices, and myrrh, nuts, and almonds." Why Jacob's family has to buy food from the Egyptians when they have some perfectly edible food they are willing to just give away is not explained. Neither is why Jacob thinks food is a good bribe for someone with stockpiles of corn.

In addition to the food, Jacob sweetens the pot. "And take double money in your hand; and the money that was brought again in the mouth of your sacks, carry it again in your hand; peradventure it was an oversight. Take also your brother, and arise, go again unto the man. And see if you can't get some Cool Ranch Doritos this time. Those things rock."

Off the brothers go to see Joseph. When Joseph sees Benjamin, he is ecstatic and tells his servants to show the men to his home as they will be his guests for dinner. The brothers fear a trap, punishment for not paying for the corn the last time, but they are in no position to refuse the offer. But the boys confess to basically stealing the food as soon as they reach Joseph's door. "Don't worry," the steward of the house says. "Wait till you see the fucked up shit Joe's gonna pull on you soon. Stolen corn pales in comparison."

Wary, the men enter the house to see Simeon freed from prison. Simeon holds out a pack of Marlboros. "Smoke? I got them from the guard."

Joseph comes home and is so overcome with emotion at the sight of his younger brother Benjamin that he again sneaks away for a good cry. After changing his maxi pad and touching up his mascara, Joseph invites his brothers to sit. He can't stay, though, because it's an abomination for Egyptians to eat at the same table with a Hebrews and Joe must maintain his cover story if he is to effectively screw them over.

The food is brought out and everyone notices that Benjamin has 5 times as much as they do. Benjamin is frightened of the looks his brothers give him. And for good reason.

Stick That in Your Sack!

As his brothers; gorge themselves, Joseph puts his plan in motion. He instructs his house steward to fill each brother's sack with corn and to once again return all the money. The kicker? Place a silver cup in Benjamin's sack.

The brothers leave the next morning, and Joseph sends men to catch up with them and accuse them of stealing the silver cup. The brothers deny the charge, and one of them runs his fool mouth off: "With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord's bondmen."

Joe's man, knowing it's all a set-up, takes mercy on the overconfident brother and offers a counter punishment: "He with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless." The unnamed brother intelligently shuts the fuck up.

The men unpack each sack, starting with the oldest brother and ending with Benjamin, in whose sack they find the cup. They tear the brothers' clothes off and make them form a naked pyramid. The they are brought before Joseph.

Joe says that Benjamin, being the one who stole the cup, must become his servant. Judah freaks out and recounts for Joseph how Jacob lost his wife and one of his sons, but leaves out his complicity in the latter. If Benjamin were not to return, he says, Judah would die of sadness. He then offers to become Joseph's bitch in his brother's place. "Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren," Judah pleads.

Moved by the plot-advancing character growth, Joseph puts on a diaper and starts bawling. He yanks off his horn-rimmed glasses and reveals himself. "Come near to me, I pray you," Joseph says. "I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt. Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: it's cool. Except for the slavery part. And the two years in prison. And the anilingus for cigarettes. No, really, it's all cool." He tells them that God orchestrated his bondage so that he could save the world from famine by interpreting the pharaoh's dreams.

"But God is with our father, Jacob," Judah says. "And by selling you into slavery we have nearly destroyed him. What kind of God would do that to his loyal servant?"

"That's a really good question," Joseph says. "Who needs a good cry?"

Everyone starts bawling like they're on Oprah. Joseph tells his brothers to go home and inform their father he is alive and well and masquerading as an Egyptian. The Pharaoh pays a visit to the happy reunion and hands over the deed to a large stretch of land for Jacob's clan to use. He then promises that under no circumstances will the Hebrews be forced into slavery until a prophet comes along to free them under penalty of hideous plagues. Just so everyone is clear on that point.

Joseph also gifts his brothers a change of clothes, but to Benjamin his gifts 5 new suits and 300 pieces of silver. On the way home to Jacob, the brothers sell Benjamin into slavery and steal the suits and money.

Not really. But that would have been cool, huh?

Jacob is overjoyed not only that Benjamin wasn't eaten by a beast but that Joseph is still alive. He promises that he will see Joseph before he dies, right after the Sanford and Son marathon on Nick at Night.