Exodus 5, 6, 7

Moses and Aaron, confident that their Godly words and C-grade magic tricks will win their people's freedom, go before the pharaoh and ask permission for the Israelites to hold a 3-day feast in God's honor in the wilderness. A 3-day feast? Did Moses and Aaron lose their stones? They were supposed to demand the Israelites' freedom from bondage and instead ask for a long weekend. Laaame!

God isn't angry at this sudden change in negotiating tactics on Moses and Aaron's part. In fact, this is all part of God's plan. Before popping the big demand, God wans to annoy the hell out of the pharaoh angry, and the 3-day-pass request does the trick. The pharaoh is so angry that he not only denies the Israelites shore leave he also refuses to supply them with straw. Without straw, they cannot make their daily quota of bricks for the kingdom. When they fail to make the bricks, the pharaoh has them beaten. Suddenly the Israelites regret listening to the man who claimed to speak to God alone on a mountain top while eating peyote buttons.

The Israelites meet up with Moses and Aaron and bitterly complain. "The LORD look upon you, and judge; because ye have made our savour to be abhorred in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of his servants, to put a sword in their hand to slay us," they say. "And you have cooties, too."

Annoyed, Moses confers with the Lord again. "Lord, wherefore hast thou so evil entreated this people?" Moses asks. "Why is it that thou hast sent me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all. And now everyone thinks I have cooties!"

God spouts a bunch of mumbo jumbo about covenants and lineages and how powerful his is blah blah blah, and goes on and on like that for a whole chapter. Moses, who has the worst self-esteem of any biblical character thus far, wonders why pharaoh would even listen to him because he's dumb and stupid and of uncircumcised lips (it really says that, and no, I don't know what it means). He storms away and blasts My Chem and writes in his journal how much he hates his stupid God because his stupid lips are uncircumcised. Stupid lips!

God tells the petulant Moses and his silent-partner brother Aaron that he has made Moses "a god to Pharaoh." That explains why pharaoh isn't listening to him.

God has also made Aaron Moses' prophet, meaning that he gets to do all the hard work and actually accomplish things while Moses sits back, enjoys the praise when things go right, and gets blamed for nothing when they go wrong. Being God is kind of like being George W. Bush, only doesn't have an MBA and is smarter than a fifth grader.

God repeats his plan to harden pharaoh's heart no matter what happens to the Egyptians (did I mention how awful that is?) and sends Reluctant Moses and PR Flack Aaron to meet with pharaoh again and repeat the order to let the Israelites go. Once there, Aaron performs the Rod Into Snake Trick. Pharaoh summons all the magicians of Egypt to duplicate the trick, which, amazingly, they do. But Aaron's snake quickly devours all the other snakes. Take that, magic trick!

On the strength of that one Johnson Smith Company magic trick, pharoah is already willing to concede the fight. Can you believe it? He's already caving and there hasn't even been one plague! But God can't let anyone show compassion--not on his watch--and hardens the pharaoh's heart so he refuses to let the Israelites go. Have I mentioned what a dickey thing that is to do?

God tells Moses to have Aaron meet the Pharaoh by the river the next morning and strike the water with his rod. The river and its tributaries, and all the streams and ponds, and every pool of water, will instantly turn to blood. Every living thing in the waters will die, and all of Egypt will stink of blood.

The pair meet the pharaoh by the river, and Aaron strikes the river with his rod. Instantly the water turns to blood. The pharaoh is unimpressed and simply walks home, thanks to God's little Plaster of Paris for the Soul. The blood water lasts 7 days, and the Egyptians are mighty thirsty. It's a good thing they knew how to make beer or everyone would die of thirst.