Genesis 48, 49, 50

And Then There Were 12

Jacob feels his kidneys failing, so he meets with Joseph to divulge the family recipe for Abraham's Caramel Oatmeal Cookie Surprise.

Jacob proceeds to bore the hell out of Joseph with the same old story about how God blessed him and his descendants and blah blah blah. Joseph listens patiently but wants to get down to business: having Jacob bless his two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh. I mean there's only so much the boys can achieve being the sons of the pharaoh's right-hand man with untold riches, limitless power, and scores of servants tripping over each other to satisfy thier every wish. They need Jacob's blessing.

The boys come before Jacob, who places his hands on their heads and pushes Ephraim toward his dick and Manasseh toward his balls. Joseph is incensed. "Not so, my father," Joseph says. "For Manasseh is the firstborn; he should be at the knob. Ephraim is the younger, and should be at the sack."

Jacob demurs. "I know it, my son, I know it," he says. "Manasseh also shall become a people, and he also shall be great: but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations. Right after my seed, that is"

Powerless to counter perfect logic, Joseph acquiesces.

Still dying, Jacob calls his remaining sons to him and tells them their fortunes, much in the manner of a daily syndicated horoscope in your local newspaper.

"Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might," Jacob says. "Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch." Yeah, I don't know what he's talking about either, but it sounds rather sordid.

"Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations.

"Judah, thou art he whom thy brethren shall praise: thy hand shall be in the neck of thine enemies; thy father's children shall bow down before thee.

"Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon.

"Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens." That sounds a bit gay.

"Dan," Jacob continues, "shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse heels, so that his rider shall fall backward.

"Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last.

"Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties.

"Naphtali is a hind let loose: he giveth goodly words.

"Joseph is a fruitful bough, even a fruitful bough by a well; whose branches run over the wall.

"Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil."

Whew! That's the twelve tribes of Israel, folks. Great leaders one and all. It won't be long before a homeland is theirs and there is peace in the Middle East.

Jacob then wakes his sons and asks to be buried where Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, his wife Leah, and Jim Morrison are buried. (The Soft Parade is one of his favorite albums.)

Joseph cries and cries and cries on his father's corpse, and the pharaoh gives him permission to travel to Canaan to bury Jacob and meet with Oprah for a change to cry on national television. Joseph then invents the bagpipes to both give his father a good send-off and annoy the shit out of his brothers and anyone else within earshot.

After the funeral, the brothers realize that now that Jacob's gone, there is nothing stopping Joseph from killing them all as revenge for the crimes they committed against him. Hoping to avoid justice, they remind Joseph that he promised Jacob not to harm them.

"Fear not: for am I in the place of God?," Joseph asks. "But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. And to eat the ass of my jailer just to survive. But I'm not bitter. Really."

Joseph keeps his promises, and when he's 110 years old he dies. His brothers immediately play 1-1-0 in the pick 3, hoping to make money off him one last time.