Exodus 3, 4

A married and on-the-lam Moses settles into his new life by tending the sheep of his father-in-law Jethro and avoiding murder.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, his father-in-law's real name is Jethro. It's in the Bible. No tooth count is provided, though.

One day, as Moses tends his flock on a mountainside covered in Lophophora williamsii, a bush catches fire but remains whole, despite the roaring flames. Moses denies the vision. "I will now turn aside," Moses says, "and see this great sight, why the bush is not burnt. For I am totally freaking out right now."

The flameless flame is really God, who, noticing that Moses is trying his best to ignore the nonburning burning bush, calls out from the heatless heat. "Marco!" God calls.

"Who said that?" Moses asks. "The Cheetos? Are the Cheetos talking again? I told you already, I didn't kill your brother, little Cheeto! He was already dead when I ate him!"

God hands Moses some oranges and puts on "Casey Jones." "I am the God of thy father," God says. "The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and a whole bunch of other people. The list goes on, like, forever, believe me."

Moses hides his face from God. Or at least tries to when his fingers turn to snakes and begin eating his feet. It's a good thing Moses doesn't have a mirror or the rest of the Bible might never have happened.

"I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows," God says from the still-there unburned burning bush. "And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land and a large, unto a land flowing with milk and honey."

"OK," Moses says. "Have fun doing all that. With your great power it should be easy. You won't be needing my services, I suppose. Thanks for keeping me up to speed on your plans, though. I appreciate it. Now I just gotta climb into a cocoon and die. Stupid talking flaming bush."

Turns out that God says that he is going to free his people from bondage he means Moses is. Moses is skeptical. "Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?" he asks God.

"Certainly I will be with thee," God says.

"Really?" Moses asks.

"Oh, sure, if take 'with you' to mean a general sense of actually not being right there, then, yeah, totally," God says.

"And what do I get if I do this for you?" Moses asks.

"This shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of Egypt, ye shall serve God upon this mountain," God says.

"Serve you on Mount Hallucination?" Moses says. "You've got a deal!"

Moses is a practical--if a little trippy--man and wants to know what he should say to the Israelites to make them follow him.

"Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, the LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath sent me unto you: this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations," God says through the flames that aren't actually flaming. "Go, and gather the elders of Israel together, and say unto them, The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, of Isaac, and of Jacob, appeared unto me, saying, I have surely visited you, and seen that which is done to you in Egypt: and I have said, I will bring you up out of the affliction of Egypt unto the land of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, unto a land flowing with milk and honey."

"So just promise them some crazy shit that they want to hear and tell them you said it," Moses says. "I can totally do that. Now let me get back to singing rocks. They're doing doo wop covers of Phish songs."

But Moses is kidding. He's still quite concerned that the Israelites won't believe him when he says he spoke to God. Gee, why would anyone doubt a man who said that he spoke to God while he was tending sheep alone atop a mountain? It's a perfectly plausible story.

So God shows Moses a few of magic tricks to impress the Catskills crowd. He instructs Moses to pick up his rod--his shepherd's staff, boyo; this act ain't blue--and cast it on the ground. The staff turns into a snake. God instructs Moses to pick the snake up by the tail; he does, and the snake becomes a rod again.

"If they do not believe you," God says, "put now thine hand into thy bosom." Moses does, and when he extracts it the hand is pure white. Moses repeats the move and the hand returns to normal.

"I am so high," Moses says.

"And it shall come to pass," God says, "if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land."

But Moses is still wary. Turns out he is not eloquent. "But I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue," Moses says.

"I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say," God says. I don't know. Sounds kind of kinky to me.

Moses still protests, so God compromises: Aaron, Moses' brother, can be the spokesperson. "And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth." God says. "And I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do." Now it's turned from kinky to freaky.

Moses packs up the wife and kids and moves back to Egypt on his date with destiny. As soon as the peyote wears off, that is.

But here's the unnerving thing: even though God has sent Moses to free the Israelites from bondage, the Big Guy has decided to harden the pharaoh's heart, regardless of what Moses does to the Egyptians. Do you understand the import of this? God is about to visit 10 plagues on the Egyptians--the last one of which murders the first born in every Egyptian family--and even when the pharaoh has had enough and decides to let the Israelites go, God stops him just to keep the plagues coming. Now that's just fucked up.

But before this travesty of a forgone conclusion can get going, Moses has to convince the Israelites of the plan. To do this, Moses convinces Aaron to tell the Israelites all the things God said and to perform God's little magic tricks God. Aaron does, and the Israelites totally buy into it.

"Now," Aaron says. "Who's interested in a lovely bridge in a town called Brooklyn?"