Exodus 12

This chapter is overlong. Why? Because in it God readies the Israelites to commemorate the senseless slaughter of thousands of people, and you know how a big party takes lots of planning.

First, God settles on the main course: lamb. "Every man a lamb," God tells Moses, "according to the house of their fathers, a lamb for an [sic] house. And a car in every garage. Don't worry, it'll make sense thousands of years from now and will prove that I can tell the future. And here's a tip: don't buy stock in Enron."

But because God is all about details, any old lamb won't cut it. No, it has to be a male no older than 1 year, and without blemish. When such a lamb is found it must be kept for 14 days, then every person in the congregation must gather to kill it. Presumably, this rule applies to every house and every lamb, so you can see the logistical problem of trying to make dinner on time if you spend the whole day attending slaughters, especially if you're planning to make charoses, to. A bit of blood should be collected and splashed on both side posts of the front door. This will come in handy later, so the Moses is advised not to overlook telling the Israelites.

The lamb, God instructs, should be roasted with some bitter herbs over a fire that night and eaten with unleavened bread. If anything is left of the lamb the following morning it must be burned. Know what that means?

No leftovers. Just think how poorly the Jews would the Jews would have been treated if they founded Thanksgiving.

But God, the obsessive-compulsive foodie that he is, has a few more regulations. While eating, the Israelites must bind their genitals with a belt, wear shoes (and a shirt as well, or there will be no service), and carry a staff, and they must eat quickly. Why? "For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast," God explains. "And against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD. Plus I love competitive eating contests."

Coming death is as good a reason as any to eat quickly. While it doesn't explain the genital binding--really, what does?--it does explain the bloody door posts. The blood will be the signal for the angel if death to pass over the house and spare the first born residing within. Too bad the Egyptians hadn't caught on to that little trick. It could have saved them some grief.

Then God starts talking about bread. Seems that God hates yeast. I mean he really, really hates it. So much so that he forces His people to eat flat, cardboard-like bread for a whole week and punishes those who dare eat some Wonder: "Whosoever eateth that which is leavened, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger, or born in the land."

No word if the ban extends to tortilla wraps.

Moses, baffled but not given to doubting the voices in his head, relates all this crazy bullshit to his people. As always, they swallow the whole pill: kill the lambs, splash the blood, eat shitty bread. And as the Israelites eat it up, death comes to the Egyptians. The last plague: death of the firstborn.

When I was young, I always assumed that this plague applied only to children. Perhaps it was because as a child I assumed the worst about authority, and killing the firstborn child in the family seemed like something God would do just out of spite. (Turns out I was right.) But, it's not just the firstborn children who die, it's every firstborn in every family, regardless of age; the animals too. No family was spared death. If your grandpa was the first born in his family, he died. If your mom was the first born in her family, she died. If your dog was the firstborn of its litter, it died. Not a single family was untouched, because no matter how old you were, if you were a firstborn, you died.

I believe is philosophical terms, this is called "fucked up." And it happened only because God hardened pharaoh's heart. Remember that the pharaoh wanted to let the Israelites go when Aaron performed his first magic trick. But no, God wasn't satisfied. He wanted to punish the Egyptians, teach them a lesson. Well, it seems that most of the world learned the lesson, and the Jews to this day are paying for it.

Totally freaked out (and obviously not the firstborn in his family), pharaoh kicks the Israelites out in such a hurry that they barely have the time to borrow the jewelry God commanded them to a couple of chapters ago, and the bread they made doesn't have a chance to rise. Which begs the question: is matza part of Passover because God hates yeast or because the Jews were kicked out of Egypt so quickly it didn't have time to rise?

The answer? Who cares! Tons of people of are dead! Let's focus, people!

As Moses and his crew flee, God gives them a summation of his food laws:

"This is the ordinance of the Passover: There shall no stranger eat thereof: But every man's servant that is bought for money, when thou hast circumcised him, then shall he eat thereof. A foreigner and an [sic] hired servant shall not eat thereof. In one house shall it be eaten; thou shalt not carry forth ought of the flesh abroad out of the house; neither shall ye break a bone thereof. All the congregation of Israel shall keep it. And when a stranger shall sojourn with thee, and will keep the Passover to the LORD, let all his males be circumcised, and then let him come near and keep it; and he shall be as one that is born in the land: for no uncircumcised person shall eat thereof. One law shall be to him that is homeborn, and unto the stranger that sojourneth among you."

Remind me never to attend a seder, just to be safe.