Genesis 38

Like a Nervous Teenager

Judah, one of Israel's sons who sold Joseph into slavery, has 3 sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. I'm positive it's pronounced "shea-lah," because homophobic fundy Christians would never worship a book where a character had a girl's name.

Er marries Tamar, and soon after does something so unspeakably awful in the sight of the Lord that the Lord strikes him dead. Considering some of the atrocities committed thus far, I can't even imagine what Er could have done to piss off God that much.

Judah has a plan for the widow Tamar: he wants Onan to marry her so she can have children to carry on Er's name. This doesn't sit right with Onan. Why should he father a child that everyone will recognize as Er's? His objections don't stop him from having sex with Tamar, but just before climaxing he pulls out and spurts on the ground. God is displeased with Onan's waste of sperm and strikes him dead. We're left to wonder how Tamar handles watching her dead husband's brother die after having sex with her.

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So far I've refrained from overtly expressing my view of biblical interpretation, but the story of Onan touches on a matter near and dear to my heart. I speak of masturbation.

The story of Onan is often cited as a reason why God doesn't want you to masturbate. However, it's clear from the story that Onan wasn't masturbating. He was fucking his dead brother's wife and felt icky about impregnating her, so he pulled out. Instead of warning against masturbation, religious types should warn against fucking your dead brother's wife and then pulling out. It's obvious that that's what God really despises.

But I can see how a leap can be made from Onan's spilled seed to your average horny teenager's jerking it into a gym sock. Sperm wasted is sperm wasted, unless said teenager gives his girlfriend the sock as a tampon. I wouldn't make the leap, but at least it's an argument. So what should we make of the prohibition against female masturbation? News flash, folks: female orgasm is not integral to procreation the way male orgasm is. That means that girls should be able to twiddle all they want without incurring God's wrath.

All righty then. Back to our story, already in progress.

I Still Have One More Son

Judah, reeling from the death of two sons, suggests that Tamar get as far away from him as possible. "Remain a widow at thy father's house, till Shelah my son be grown," Judah says. "Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did." Judah's tactful, heartwarming speech no doubt makes Tamar feel better. Shelah, on the other hand, prays like mad that someone makes him a eunuch so he never has to marry the Black Widow.

A little while later, Judah's daughter dies. To comfort himself, he goes into the countryside to sheer some sheep. Recognizing an opportunity, Tamar changes from her mourning clothes to a hooker's outfit and a veil, and sits in an open field, waiting for Judah to walk past. When Judah comes by, he doesn't recognize his one-time daughter-in-law, thinking instead that she's a harlot. "Let me come in unto thee," Judah purrs.

Playing the part a bit too perfectly, Tamar asks, "What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?"

He offers her a kid goat. Skeptical, she accepts but only if he leaves her his ring, bracelets, and staff as insurance that he will come back with the goat. So the deal is made, as is some love, and Tamar of course conceives.

Judah sends a friend back to the field with the promised goat, but the harlot is nowhere to be found. Puzzled, Judah himself returns to the spot and searches for the harlot. He returns knowing that he finally got some sex for free.

Three months later word comes to Judah that Tamar has been acting slutty and is pregnant. Unironically enraged that a woman would let any old man have sex with her, Judah proposes burning her to death. Tamar is brought before him, but before punishment can be meted out she has a little surprise for him. "By the man, whose these are, am I with child," she says, and whips out Judah's ring, bracelets, and staff. Suddenly full of forgiveness, Judah admits that if he had just given Shelah a crack at her this never would have happened. He then swears of sleeping with his daughter-in-law.

In time, Tamar has twins. During delivery, a hand thrusts out of Tamar's vagina and the midwife ties a red string around the wrist. The hand slips back in, and minutes later Pharez is born--without the string around its wrist. But the second born, Zarah is born with the string around his wrist, and one arm that is incredibly long.