Leviticus 10, 11

This is a long one, so grab yourself a snack and read on.

Actually, why don't you hold off on that snack until you reach the end, just to be safe.

Having just witnessed the Lord consume the burnt offerings with a bitchin’ flame, two of Aaron's sons, Abi'hu and Na'dab, thought it would be cool to return the favor. They take a censer, fill it with incense and fire, and offer this "strange fire" to the Lord, who does the only rational thing: He kills them both because He didn't specifically ask for strange fire.

Aaron wants to object, but Moses holds him back. Probably a smart move, considering the Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen treatment his sons just received. Moses instructs Aaron's cousins to carry the charred bodies in their coats out of the camp. He tells Aaron not to mourn his sons' death, instead leaving that task to all of Israel. Furthermore, Aaron is forbidden from accompanying his dead sons out of the tabernacle because he still has the anointing oil on him, and, randomly, forbids him from ever entering the tabernacle drunk. Way to ruin any chance that Aaron is going to be able to come to terms with the violent death of his sons, Lord.

Moses commands Aaron and his two remaining sons, and his daughters too, to eat the remainder of the burnt offerings but discovers that Aaron's sons have already burned an offering out of turn. He's a bit upset about the out-of-order burnt offerings and starts to ream the boys until Aaron steps in. 

"Dude, I have had the worst day so just back off," Aaron says. Moses, for once, shuts his stuttering mouth.

God, showing no remorse, launches into a long list of the types of food that should never be eaten. They are considered such an abomination that you can't even touch them! That’s how serious the Lord takes these food rules, rules that no Christian in the world follow. That’s an important thing to remember while discussing homosexuality a little bit later.

Let’s get to the bullet points!

• It's OK to eat animals that have cloven hooves
 and chew their cud. The conjunction is important because an animal must have both characteristics to be considered clean. That's why keeping kosher means no bacon: pigs have cloven hooves but they do not chew a cud. It also means no eating camel, for the opposite reason: camels chew a cud but have uncloven hooves. I imagine that when you're traveling through the desert eating nothing but dirty sky-bread all day being forbidden from eating camel must have been a real hardshipFish are tasty because they have scales and fins. Anything else that lives in the water that doesn't meet those criteria are out. That's why you never see shrimp cocktail at a bris

• The following birds are no-nos: 
eagles, ospreys, vultures, kites, ravens, falcons, owls--for some reason the little owl and the great owl are called out by name--hawks, cuckoos, cormorants, swans, pelicans, storks, herons, lapwings, and bats—which, you may or may not know, are not birds but mammals. That’s just a tiny little mistake that in no way calls into question the inerrancy of the Bible. After all, bats neither have cloven hooves nor chew a cud, so I guess it's still cool. By exclusion from the list, other birds are good to eat, I guess, which explains why Chicken Almond Ding is still on the menu at every Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn

• The KJV says that "all fowls that creep, going on all four" are abominations. I had to Google what that meant, and it turns out it means insects, which back before science was in vogue must have made some sense because insects have six legs. Again, this tiny little mistake in no way calls into the question the inerrancy of the Bible. But some insects are considered clean: those that have "legs above their feet, to leap withal the earth"--meaning legs with joints--which includes locusts and grasshoppers and, for some reason, beetles, even though they have jointed legs but don't hop around like grasshoppers do. I'm not going to quibble because I agree that eating insects in an abomination. And since you can't touch the carcass of an unclean animal you basically can't squish any creepy crawly you find wandering your house. Except maybe spiders, because they're not insects but they are total assholes

• Animals that have semi-divided but not fully cloven hooves and do not chew a cud

• Animals that go on four paws--which I assume means that Jews cannot be veterinarians--specifically weasels, mice, ferrets, and moles

• Tortoises. No word on turtles. Then again, this was written before taxonomy was a big subject so turtles might be included

• Chameleons, "the lizard," and snails

• Did you find a dead mouse in a flower pot? Break that unclean pot! 

• Did the water you used to clean the cooties off come into contact with edibles drinking vessels? Those things are now magically unclean! And don't water the garden with that gray water like Ed Begley, Jr wants you to. If you do you'll contaminate all the unborn plants

• Did a piece of dead dog find its way into your kitchen and did it suddenly appear in your oven or crock pot or skillet? Dismantle all that shit and throw it out--unclean!

• Did you find a rat in the well? No worries. As long as there's a lot of water in the well it will still be clean

• Did any good-to-eat food animals die and fall onto an unapproved-to-eat food animal? Too bad, now it's also unclean!

So those are the rules for which animals can and can't be eaten or touched. Now we move on to the animals whose dead bodies can't even be touched--that's how disgusting they are. No word is written about their edibility, but I'm guessing it's forbidden.

Generally, though, it appears that if you catch cooties from touching any of the above you're only unclean until the sun goes down, and then you only have to take a shower to get clean again. Easy enough fix for enjoying some scallops, I say. Except for the following list of exceptions, all of which focus on the things that come into contact with unclean carcasses.

Other than that, bon appétit!