Leviticus 19

The lists of dos and don'ts--and let's face it, it's mostly don'ts--continues.

You've heard some of these before: don't worship idols, honor your father and mother, when you burn God's dinner make sure to eat the leftovers by the second day or it is an abomination, don't steal or lie, act in the face of injustice, eschew clothes of mingled fabrics, don't commit adultery, don't eat blood, blah blah blah. You get the idea. But God does have some interesting edicts that no one but the Hassidim and Hipsters have even heard of. 

Here's some of what God wants you to do:

• Set aside the crops at the edge of your land, and leave some grapes on the vine, for the poor to gather and eat. Does it count if the poor people farmers let onto the fields to do the picking are the migrant workers they employ? Cheap labor and satisfying God’s commands? Win-win!
• Pay workers on the day they work. Or as the Bible puts it: "The wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning." Do you think the CEO of Chick-fil-a hands out paychecks daily or do you think he uses ADP to pay his workers twice a month like everyone else?
• Abandon slapstick comedy: God forbids you from cursing the deaf--pointless anyway, if you think about it--or putting a "stumblingblock" in front of a blind man, even though it's fucking hilarious
• Judge the poor and the wealthy equally. That means that both the rich and poor have equal standing in the eyes of the law. But God didn't say anything about affording competent legal counsel. You're shit out of luck there, poor people
• Love your neighbor as your--hey! Hey Bob! Get your goddamn dog off my lawn, you stupid son of bitch! Clean that up, you stupid fuck! Get back here! I'm talking to you, you asshole! I'm gonna fucking kill you, you stupid bastard! I hate you!
• Grow out the hair at your temples and never trim your beard. And to think, all these years I never knew famed comic book writer Alan Moore was such a Bible nerd 
• Stand up when an old person enters the room. The Bible refers to the old as "the hoary head," which sounds like a frozen sex act. "Hey baby, wanna try that Hoary Head I read about last week in Antarctica Swingers magazine?" 
• Love immigrants. Yes, you heard me: God wants you to love immigrants. "But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." I'm sure John Boehner must have skipped Leviticus 19 by accident. He's sure to come around once someone shows him this passage
• Make sure the scales in the supermarket are correct. Imagine that: placing a thumb on a meat scale at the A&P is an abomination right up there with fucking a dog! It's that mistaken sense of equivalence that just encourages the dog fuckers of the world. Surely fucking an animal is worse that cheating someone on the price of organic portabellas, right?

And one big don't: tattoos. Which means Jim Bakker's son is in trouble.