Leviticus 4 through 9

The Lord's not really a bad guy. He understands that sometimes people break His commandments unwittingly. Things happen, right? After all, it's not like you meant to have sex with your neighbor's wife; it just sorta happened because you were drunk and she was looking hot. You believe me, don't you, baby? I would never hurt you intentionally. 

In cases like these, the remedy is simple: kill a bull, have a priest dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle it seven times before the Lord, and then burn the bull sort of like before. (The specifics don't really matter, do they? It’s easier and cleaner to just send an Edible Arrangements to patch things up.) 

Let's just get to the bottom line of chapters 4 through 7, conveniently placed near the top: if you break any commandment--and not just the Big Ten, but any of the other things God has told us not to do but we still do every day--either knowingly or unknowingly, you will have some animal killing and blood sprinkling to do. Or, you know, bake some bread or bring some fruit to the Lord. Also, don't be a total dick: make restitution when you can. 

Besides your sinning, God is also concerned about your cholesterol levels. That's why he doesn't want you to eat fat, whether it be the fat of a fox--although they look like pretty lean animals to me--an ox, a sheep, or a goat. Oh, and whatever you do, don't eat blood. What happens if you do? Banishment! And a lifetime on Lipitor!

But feel free to use animal fat in other ways, maybe as a lubricant. But hold off using that lube in certain ways until we read all of Leviticus, if you know what I mean.

Now that God has minutely catalogued all of the steps necessary to perform an effective sacrifice at the altar in the tabernacle, He commands Moses to get going on it. That means Moses has to truss up Aaron and his sons in their get ups and take them to the tabernacle along with some oil, a bull, two rams, a basket of unleavened bread, and something to read because this is going to take a while. Moses calls the congregation to the door of the tabernacle so they can watch as he and Aaron kill the animals as offerings and then Moses sprinkles the animals’ blood on Aaron or something. Really, this book is tad boring so I might be missing a few things, but suffice it to say that Moses and Aaron finally do all the stuff God has wanted them to do in the tabernacle, including staying at the tabernacle for a week.

Nothing happens during the week, but on the eighth day Moses tells Aaron and his sons and the elders of Israel to prepare another sacrifice because the Lord is finally going to appear to everyone.* Yay! Maybe something will finally happen! 

But what does happen when God appears? He shoots fire from his fingertips like Emperor Palpatine and engulfs the burnt offerings in flames. Which begs the question: why did Mo and Co have to burn them in the first place?

*Which makes no sense because wasn't conjuring up the Lord the reason why the tabernacle was constructed? Now God's going to appear to everyone outside the tabernacle? If I were Aaron, heavily clothed and sprinkled with blood in the desert sun, I'd be pissed.