Looks like God has got
himself a pretty strong frenemy in an ancient God named Molech. I can only
assume that the two of them—or should it be “Them”?—went to God School together
and Molech beat the Lord out for the last spot on the student council. God has
been bitter ever since.
Molech has been
mentioned previously as a basic stand-in for idolatry, but here God
specifically warns Moses against anyone sacrificing their children to this old
god.
"But don't you
remember when you tested Abraham's faith by commanding him to sacrifice his son
to you?" Moses asks the Lord.
God scratches pulls on
his beard and quickly changes the subject to the punishment those who sacrifice
a child to Molech can expect. "The people of the land shall stone him [to
death] with stones," God says, a method every rabid mob agrees is the best
way to stone someone to death.
As has been demonstrated
many times before, the bodyless spirit of the sky who only Moses can hear even
when other people are around does not want the Israelites believing in any old fairy
tale. To that end, anyone who communes with the spirits of the dead or seeks
from them a divination, or who follows wizards, will be banished. This is when
all the Catholic Harry Potter fans slink away to light candles to Saint Francis
so they can find their car keys.
God then answers a
question no one has asked: what crimes other than killing a child for Molech are
punishable by death? As you can guess, it’s a list composed of things we’ve
heard before:
- Adultery with another man's wife
- Having sex with his father's wife
- Screwing your daughter in law
- Homosexuality
- Marrying a woman and her mother
- Fucking animals (for some reason, a woman who
fucks an animal is specifically mentioned)
It's important to note
that everyone involved in these acts should be put to death--including the animals.
I guess that’s fair, considering how baboons, with their enormous bright red
swollen asses, are basically giant cock teases. They deserve to be killed.
God then reiterates
again--yes, that's redundant, but so is God's countless reiterations--that the
Israelites must keep all of His previously
mentioned-like-a-million-times-already edicts about proper sexual conduct--like
no having sex with a woman who's on her period--and keeping kosher. With all of
His nagging, it’s clear that God thinks the Israelites are sullen teenage
girls.
From sex God moves to
death, specifically, who can touch a dead body. Answer: the only dead bodies
you can touch are those of your closest relatives. Quite the bummer if you're a
mortician, but I'm sure God has his reasons for hating capitalism.
Priests, God reminds us,
must be pure. That's why they can only marry virgins and never promiscuous,
divorced, or widowed women. And if their daughters are promiscuous the girls
should be burned at the stake, which can all agree is completely fair.
God also dictates an
ADA-flouting list of excluding criteria for applicants to the priesthood. So if
you’re blind, lame, or disfigured; have a broken hand or foot, conjunctivitis,
scabs, scurvy, or "broken stones (aka crushed testicles); or a hunchback
or dwarf, you are shit out of luck. Basically, God wants only Brad Pitt to be a
priest.
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