Leviticus 22, 23

Remember all that stuff that made people unclean? Neither do I, and I'm certainly not going to go over it again. Suffice it to say that a priest made unclean by any of those things cannot touch any item made holy unto the Lord. OK, let's move on.

God lists the individuals who can and cannot eat of the offerings made to Him. Let's start with those who cannot: a foreigner, a hired laborer, or a daughter who marries a foreigner. And those who can? Slaves; the children of slaves; and a daughter who married a foreigner but was widowed or divorced, provided she is childless. I suppose that a foreign slave who marries a childless widowed daughter would be acceptable too. 

But let's say, just for the sake of argument, that an unauthorized individual were to get up in the middle of the night for a little snack and eat some holy leftovers. Not saying it was me. This is purely a hypothetical. How would I--I mean, this totally made up person--make restitution to the priest? Easy: replace the food plus one-fifth extra, which the priest has to offer to the Lord, a process that has been explained before and is for some reason explained again. Jesus Christ, Lord, we're not deaf. We heard you the first hundred times.

Heaven forbid that anyone forget the true purpose of this here religion, God reinforces it--it's to praise God, in case you're new to this--by listing all of the holy days the Israelites must observe in His honor. They include:

• The Sabbath (occurs weekly)
• The fourteenth day of the first month, also known as Passover
• The fifteenth day of the same month, when you eat nothing but unleavened bread for a week
• The twenty-second day of the same month, where you crap a wicker basket from all that flat bread
• The first day of the seventh month
• The tenth day of the seventh month
• The fifteenth day of the seventh month, during which you must live in a hut for a week, which will somehow remind people that God brought them out of Egypt even though they are currently actually living in the desert and do not need to be reminded of the time they lived in the desert
• The twenty-second day of the seventh month, where you seriously consider converting to another religion so you can live in your own house all the time

The best part of all these holidays is that you have to use a half personal day to leave the office early to observe because the office is closed for Christian holy days only.

And one last thing: when the Israelites finally come to the Promised Land--which is totally just around the corner, I'm sure of it--there should be--surprise!--a feast for the Lord! As you can imagine, the feast involves lots of lambs and goats and bullocks and fistfuls of wave offerings and some juice boxes and a piñata. Just kidding about the last two, because they might be fun, and fun is reserved for pagans. And it's 40 years away, so I hope Moses is marking it on his perpetual calendar.