Leviticus 12, 13

We now turn away from unclean animals to unclean people, specifically women and those with leprosy. It's difficult to tell which group is held in lower esteem. Probably women, because there's always the chance a lepers could get better.

After a woman has a boy, she's considered unclean for a week and must wait 33 days more to be purified before she touches any hallowed thing or enters the sanctuary. Considering that the one natural childbirth I attended definitely featured more excrement than What to Expect When You're Expecting prepared me for, I can see where God's coming from on this one. For some reason, though, if a woman gives birth to a girl then mom is considered unclean for two weeks and must wait 66 days more until she is purified. I can only assume that the reason for this has something to do with the high regard in which most religions hold women.

To complete her purification, the mother must make an offering at the tabernacle door and give it to a man, who will make the sacrifice for her because, because God knows she shit the bed during childbirth and won’t let her in the door because He's disgusted by it.

And just in case you've forgotten: on the eighth day of the baby boy's life he should have a piece of his dick cut off. You're welcome.

If you think you have leprosy the best thing to do is make an appointment with your dermatologist immediately. Except that this is the Bible, so you have to go see blood-dappled, girdle-wearing Aaron--or one of his surviving sons, or a priest--who will take one look at your deep-skin plague and declare you unclean, without even giving you an Rx for Cortaid. 

If Aaron et al don't think you have leprosy but can't really be sure because real doctoring had yet to be invented, they shut you in a room for a week. If at the end of the week they still aren't sure, they shut you in a room for another week. If at the fortnight’s end they decide you absolutely do not have leprosy, praise the Lord! You're clean! Just take a shower and get the hell out of here, you crazy kid, and we’re sorry for the inconvenience, please don’t sue us.

But if at the end of the two weeks it kinda looks like you sorta have leprosy after all, you have to see a priest, who will declare you unclean.

The rest of chapter 13 is a confusing mess of symptoms written to help guide Aaron, his sons, or a priest through the decision tree of leprosy diagnosis: Are there white hairs present? Is the plaque lower than the surrounding skin, and dark? Is there a red boil that stays in place, or does it move? Is there a burning hot spot of flesh, and does it have white hairs? Is your scalp dry? Do you have white spots on your skin? If any of this sounds familiar to you I hope you have a low deductible because you probably have leprosy, and even if you don't definitively have leprosy the priest will lock you up for a week or two just to make certain.

But if you do have leprosy, you have some things to do:

1.     Don't touch any more armadillos. They are known vectors for leprosy. 

2.     Tear up your clothes, don't wear hats, cover your upper lip, and cry out, "Unclean! Unclean!"

3.     Live alone until the leprosy clears up. Which means you live alone.

4.     Give your ripped clothes to the priest, who will lock them up for a week to see if the leprosy grows on them.

If the plague hasn't spread then the priest should wash your shirt, presumably to wear it again. But it was just torn in half. By a leper. I say burn the damn thing, which is exactly the recommendation for a shirt known to have leprosy on it. To be on the safe side, I'd just burn all of the leper's clothes.

And chase all the armadillos out of town for good measure.