Numbers 6, 7, 8

Continuing on the purity theme, God wants to make sure that everyone who makes a vow is in tip-top shape. That means that in the days leading up to your vow you can't drink alcohol of any kind or even eat grapes or drink grape juice. You also can't cut your hair or go near a dead person. If you're an alcoholic necrophiliac Flowbee owner, God suggests you find somewhere else to live. 

On the day of your offering you have to shave your head and present your gifts to the priest. The stuff about the sacrifices is old news--cakes and blemish-free rams--so I won't go over it all again. The only new twist is that you should throw your shorn hair on the altar fire, which, you know if you've ever accidentally burned your arm hair while cooking, smells absolutely terrible.

The Lord again promises Mo & Co. peace. Moses tries to maintain a straight face.

So finally it's time for Moses to set up the tabernacle! It certainly seems like he's done it already, but I guess he hasn't. He's barely finished hanging the curtains when he gets his first visitors: the heads of the twelve tribes of Israel. They come riding in on six covered wagons pulled by twelve oxen like they're on the Oregon Trail. Moses immediately confiscates the wagons and oxen distributes to the sons of Gershon and Merari. The sons of Kohath got nothing because their hands are already full carting around the holy things of the tabernacle.

The twelve tribes didn't show up the party empty-handed. Each tribe has brought offerings to the Lord, which they dole out over a twelve-day period, one day per tribe. Here's what they give:

• A silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty shekels and a silver bowl weighing seventy shekels, each brimming with fine flour mixed with oil

• A gold spoon weighing ten shekels full of incense or maybe black tar heroin

• One bull, one ram, and 1 one-year-old lamb

• One goat

• Two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five one-year-old male lambs

If you're the type who likes to keep a Twelve Days of Christmas list, that's twelve silver dishes weighing a total of 2,400 shekels; twelve gold spoons weighing 120 shekels; twelve bulls and rams; twenty-four oxen; sixty rams; and seventy-two lambs and goats. Moses briefly considers founding a petting zoo until the Lord reminds him of how He cut down Aaron's sons for abusing the offerings at the tabernacle.

Following the almost fortnight-long offering, it's the Levites' turn to come before the Lord, and before they do they they must shave their bodies completely, wash their clothes, and have water sprinkled on them. Doesn't God realize that water is scarce in the desert?

Now that everyone is all nice and pure, all of the children of Israel must come forth and lay their hands on the Levites, who in turn will lay their hands on a bull, which will then be sacrificed. It's a simple transfer of sin--see scapegoating--from the group to the animal, but you have to remember that there must be close to a million Israelites trying to lay their hands on thousands of Levites, who are all trying to touch one bull. The logistics of this are astounding. It must take days.

The Lord also sets a retirement age for the Levites' service in the tabernacle: 50. Which I'm sure almost none of them will see, considering how long they'll be living in the desert without decent food.