God, fresh off his “cure” for leprosy, tackles
another scourge of the ancient world: the clap. It's not just the man with the
drips who is unclean; everything the guy touches in unclean—other people, beds,
clothes, saddles, jars—as is anyone who touches anything he made unclean. Hell,
anyone Mr. Clap spits on is unclean too. But how is anyone to
know when the person who spit on them has VD? I guess that once you wipe you
goober from your face you have to politely inquire, “Do you have the clap?”
What else can you do?
And let's
talk about semen. God says that "if a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of
them must bathe in water and will be unclean until evening." Hold on—I've
got to call my wife.
Somehow
menstruation is lumped into the same category as VD, because during her period
a woman is unclean for a week and anything she touches is unclean. Again,
determining when a woman has her period is tough. Can I sit on that subway
seat? If any woman on her period sat on it in the past week, the answer is no.
To be safe, I suppose I’ll stand all day. And guys, don’t even think about earning
your red wings. Doing anything with your wife’s “flowers”—that’s Bible speak
for “vagina”—makes you unclean, in more than the obvious way.
The path
to cleanliness for the above is the same as for previous defilements: lots of
trips to the dry cleaner, bubble baths, and killing animals and sprinkling
their blood.
An interesting tidbit:
chapter 16 is where we get the concept of the scapegoat. God gives Aaron the
power to transfer the inequities of the people of Israel to a goat, which,
after some obligatory mumbo-jumbo before the Lord in the tabernacle and the
killing of another goat and the smearing of its blood everywhere, is set free,
presumably to enjoy its life burned with the sins of strangers. Just like the
guy in your office who got fired for fucking up that new business pitch even
though it was really Jim's fault. Fuck Jim, man. He's a douche.
God designates every
July 10th as Scapegoat Day. I think this is a great idea and submit that once a
year we should come together as a nation, transfer all of our sins,
transgressions, and ill feelings toward one another to a goat, and then instead
of setting it free we place it in a petting zoo on the National Mall so we can feel
superior to it. Just like we feel superior to that asshole Jim.
Now that the goat has
been set free, God feels the need to pad the Good Book and reiterate some
salient points. One, everyone has to sacrifice an animal or two every once in a
while. Two, sacrifice to God only and not to some other bullshit god who is
clearly not as loving and generous--cough cough--as the One True God. Three,
don't eat blood; it's gross.
And one more thing: if
you eat an animal you found dead in the woods, take a bath. You have major
cooties.
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