Leviticus 14

You may be wondering how, exactly, a leper can be made clean again. Nowadays, leprosy is treated with antibiotics. But in the time before science? You won't be surprised to learn that the Bible's remedy leans heavily on dipping stuff in blood.

Here's the recipe: In an earthen vessel, run water over a bird as you kill it. Then take another bird--a live bird this time--and some cedar wood, scarlet, and hyssop and dip them all in the runoff of the bird you just killed. Sprinkle the bloody water over the leper, let the wet live bird free, and voila! You now have a leper halfway home to clean.

To finish up the magic our leper must wash his clothes, shave off all his hair--all of it, which means some manscaping--and take a shower. Then he must sleep outside of his tent for a week, just because he's a dirty leper and no one wants to find pieces of skin on the dining room table. 

On the seventh day, the leper must perform another full-body shave, wash his clothes again, and take another shower. The next day he must make an offering unto the Lord of two male lambs and a one-year-old ewe and flour and oil. The priest who slaughters the animals should smear some of the blood on the soon-to-be-cured leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe (also known as the thumb toe), and take some of the oil, pour it in his left hand, and sprinkle seven times before the Lord. With his palm oiled up, the priest should feel free to jerk it around a little. No sense in wasting good oil, I say.

If there's any oil left over from his Onanism, the priest should use it to consecrate the leper's right-side parts again and pour the rest over his head.

If the leper is one of the bottom 47% who are going to vote for Obama because they are sucking off the teat of the rich then the process is the same except that he can offer one lamb, the flour and oil, and two turtledoves or two pigeons. You know, poor people's sacrifice.

And as quick as you can say "this is total bullshit" the leper is all better now. Makes one wonder why no one cures diseases this way anymore.

God then tells Moses and Aaron that when they reach Canaan He is going to plague a house with leprosy. Moses thinks this is a total dick move, but then remembers that God hardened the heart of the Pharaoh and then punished the poor guy for having a hard heart. Another total dick move.

In preparation of this dickish inevitability, God tells Moses and Aaron how to handle it. Basically, a priest has to confirm that the house is contaminated. If it is, the place is quarantined for a week. The purification begins by carrying away the infected stones and scraping away the top layer of all the walls and carting the infected dust to the dump of a poor neighborhood and then replacing the infected stones with new stones. If the place is still unclean then it must be torn down. My suggestions: just tear the place down in the first place. 

If it turns out the house the clean after the seven-day quarantine then the priest has to make another batch of bird-blood water and sprinkle the house with it.

This is obviously much more efficacious than God telling everyone about germ theory and dropping some Rifampin from the sky every day along with manna.