God kicks off the final chapters by stating--once again--that he's the best God there ever was and that the Israelites should worship Him, like, all the time, and not mess around with those ugly ass graven images. God's constant harping on this subject makes me wonder why the Israelites are so polyamorous when it comes to gods. Can't they just pick one and stay with it? make up you mind, people.
To ensure that the Israelites carve their and God's initials in the oak tree behind the school, he promises His people a whole bunch of cool shit if they keep all--and I do mean all--of His commandments. Doc, tell them what they'll get:
- Rain! (At the appropriate times, and not too much, and not too little)
- Crops with big yields!
- Trees with lots of fruit!
- Peace! (No really, God promises the Israelites peace)
- The eradication of dangerous animals! (Except tigers, because they're so cool. And bears. And venomous snakes. And wolves and deadly spiders and mosquitoes and barracuda and...)
- Victory in battle! (Which may or may not contradict the aforementioned peace)
Sounds awesome! I'm sure Israel can't wait for all that to happen. Especially the peace part.
But there is a simple explanation why some--or all--of these promises have not come to pass: the Israelites failed to pay attention to minutiae. For if God's commandments are not kept to the letter any of the following may occur:
- Diseases of the eyes and terrible, wasting fevers!
- Enemies who eat your food!
- Defeat in battle! (See bullet above)
- A sky turned to iron!
- A land turned to bronze!
- Famine! (See two previous bullets)
- Wild animals t will eat your children!
- Eating constantly but never having a feeling of satiety!
- Cannibalism! (See bullet above)
- Diaspora!
- Ancraophobia!
But don't worry! God has a surefire way for you to get back into his good graces, which, based on the preceding list, you will definitely want to do. All you have to do is go back and re-read Leviticus and perform all of the actions and follow all the edicts God commanded of you.
Yeah, I'd rather be afraid of the wind too.
Now that the Lord has kept you in line by threatening punishments, He answers one of life's most enduring questions: What is a life worth? If you're looking to make a dedication to the Lord then here's what is needed for each person according to their age:
- Male (20 to 60 years old): fifty shekels
- Female (20 to 60 years old): 30 shekels
- Male (5 to 20 years old): 20 shekels
- Female (5 to 20 years old): 10 shekels
- Male (1 month to 5 years old):5 shekels
- Female (1 month to 5 years old): 3 shekels
- Male (over 60 years old): 15 shekels
- Female (over 60 years old): 10 shekels
The bottom line: women aren't worth as much as men. A shocker, I know.
The rest of the chapter isn't very interesting. In fact, Leviticus isn't interesting at all and I'd rather not discuss it any more.
The rest of the chapter isn't very interesting. In fact, Leviticus isn't interesting at all and I'd rather not discuss it any more.
Next up is Numbers, wherein Mo & Co finally make it to the Promised Land. Spoiler alert: things don't go as planned.
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