Numbers 9, 10

God receives a Google alert telling Him that it's Passover, which, you may recall, is a holiday that celebrates the day God killed innocent children so that His favorite people could finally escape the clutches of the Pharaoh whose heart God hardened against the Israelites even though he really, really wanted to let the Israelites go a few plagues before all the children were killed. But you know, it's certainly no worse than celebrating Columbus Day.

As soon as Moses reminds everyone it's Passover, a couple of guys show up to say that they poked a dead body with a stick, which means they're unclean and unable to celebrate Passover. Uncharacteristically, God is cool with them celebrating anyway but takes pains to remind anyone who would rather go out with their friends to the movies instead of staying home with the family that if they miss Passover they will be banished from the camp and have their cell phone taken away for the week and won't be able to drive the Beemer for a month.

When Moses erects the tabernacle tent for Passover, a cloud descends over it. All day the tent is covered by a cloud; all night, it's sheathed in fire. God tells Moses that when the cloud moves the Israelites should follow it, and when the cloud stops, they should stop too. So that's what the Israelites do. Sometimes the cloud stays put for a day, sometimes a month, sometimes a year. Sometimes the cloud moves for days on end. The Israelites just follow right along.

During one of the long periods of either mind-numbing boredom or frantic wandering, the Lord gives Moses a little craft project: He wants Moses to make a two silver trumpets.

"Wouldn't it be better to make a GPS so we could find the Promised Land already?" Moses asks.

I'm not sure what kind of metal worker Moses is, but God wants each horn to be made of one solid piece of silver. Sounds difficult to me, especially with the rudimentary tools available in the desert. Maybe it would be a better idea for God to just make the trumpets himself and give them to Moses.

Regardless of who makes the horns, Aaron, not Moses, is in charge of blowing them. If Aaron blows both horns at once, that means everyone must congregate at the tabernacle. If he blows one horn, that means only the heads of the twelve tribes should come. Blowing an alarm call means the tribes on the east should move out, but two alarms means those on the south side should move out. Blowing an alarm is also the attack signal, so everyone has to really pay attention or a quarter of the camp might leave town just as the rest of the camp is being attacked.

Aaron should also blow the horn when he's glad, when he's sad, at the beginning of the month, and over burnt offerings. If he blows the horns correctly then God promises to forever save the Israelites from their enemies. I guess Aaron should have invested in some trumpet lessons.

God decides it's time to get a move on and marches His people through the wilderness for three days. All of their things have to be packed up, which I'm sure takes a while, and the chest containing the ark of the covenant is placed at the head of the procession. During the march, a man named Hobab decides he'd rather not go after all. Moses is astonished. Why wouldn't Hobab want to aimlessly follow a cloud through the desert?

"If thou go with us...that what goodness the Lord shall do unto us, the same will we do unto thee," Moses says to Hobab, trying to convince him to stay.

Hobab looks around at the hundreds of thousands of people marching through the desert, tired, sweaty, hungry, sand filling their shoes, dragging along animals used primarily as sacrifices even though everyone is hungry, and says, "Eh. How much longer can we continue to walk in the desert," and decides to stay.

Bad choice Hobab. Bad choice.

Numbers 6, 7, 8

Continuing on the purity theme, God wants to make sure that everyone who makes a vow is in tip-top shape. That means that in the days leading up to your vow you can't drink alcohol of any kind or even eat grapes or drink grape juice. You also can't cut your hair or go near a dead person. If you're an alcoholic necrophiliac Flowbee owner, God suggests you find somewhere else to live. 

On the day of your offering you have to shave your head and present your gifts to the priest. The stuff about the sacrifices is old news--cakes and blemish-free rams--so I won't go over it all again. The only new twist is that you should throw your shorn hair on the altar fire, which, you know if you've ever accidentally burned your arm hair while cooking, smells absolutely terrible.

The Lord again promises Mo & Co. peace. Moses tries to maintain a straight face.

So finally it's time for Moses to set up the tabernacle! It certainly seems like he's done it already, but I guess he hasn't. He's barely finished hanging the curtains when he gets his first visitors: the heads of the twelve tribes of Israel. They come riding in on six covered wagons pulled by twelve oxen like they're on the Oregon Trail. Moses immediately confiscates the wagons and oxen distributes to the sons of Gershon and Merari. The sons of Kohath got nothing because their hands are already full carting around the holy things of the tabernacle.

The twelve tribes didn't show up the party empty-handed. Each tribe has brought offerings to the Lord, which they dole out over a twelve-day period, one day per tribe. Here's what they give:

• A silver dish weighing a hundred and thirty shekels and a silver bowl weighing seventy shekels, each brimming with fine flour mixed with oil

• A gold spoon weighing ten shekels full of incense or maybe black tar heroin

• One bull, one ram, and 1 one-year-old lamb

• One goat

• Two oxen, five rams, five goats, and five one-year-old male lambs

If you're the type who likes to keep a Twelve Days of Christmas list, that's twelve silver dishes weighing a total of 2,400 shekels; twelve gold spoons weighing 120 shekels; twelve bulls and rams; twenty-four oxen; sixty rams; and seventy-two lambs and goats. Moses briefly considers founding a petting zoo until the Lord reminds him of how He cut down Aaron's sons for abusing the offerings at the tabernacle.

Following the almost fortnight-long offering, it's the Levites' turn to come before the Lord, and before they do they they must shave their bodies completely, wash their clothes, and have water sprinkled on them. Doesn't God realize that water is scarce in the desert?

Now that everyone is all nice and pure, all of the children of Israel must come forth and lay their hands on the Levites, who in turn will lay their hands on a bull, which will then be sacrificed. It's a simple transfer of sin--see scapegoating--from the group to the animal, but you have to remember that there must be close to a million Israelites trying to lay their hands on thousands of Levites, who are all trying to touch one bull. The logistics of this are astounding. It must take days.

The Lord also sets a retirement age for the Levites' service in the tabernacle: 50. Which I'm sure almost none of them will see, considering how long they'll be living in the desert without decent food.

Numbers 4, 5

Once again, the Lord bogs down the action--we have a people trying to get to the Promised Land over here! Let's get moving!--with a tabernacle chore list. The Levites in general are in charge of the set up and tear down, but a small subset--males between thirty and fifty years of age--must keep track of "the most holy things." But before anyone can get moving through the desert already, the shit's gotta be packed up. And because only the priests can even gaze upon the items within the tabernacle, that task falls to Aaron his remaining sons.

Because no one can see the holy item Aaron and his sons must cover it all like algebra textbooks. They start with the ark, which they cover with the veil, a blue cloth, and badgers skins. The staves are then placed so the ark can be carried. 

Next they set the table with a blue cloth and the dishes, spoons, and bowls, cover their hard work with red cloth and badger skins, and then install the staves. Same deal with the candlestick, the oil vessels, the altar, the "service equipment" used in the sanctuary, the ashes from the altar, the censers, the meat fork, the shovels--basically everything in the damn place must be covered in a cloth, fitted with badger skins, and have staves stuck in it so that it can be carted from camp to camp. My suggestion would be to make camp for 39 1/2 years and then strike out for the Promised Land in one six month sprint. That would save a lot of time packing and unpacking items no one can even see.

Union rules stipulate that while only Aaron and his boys are allowed to pack everything, only the Levites are allowed to actually carry it around. No word on who is allowed to change the light bulbs, but I'm sure it's those layabouts from Local 151.

I know what you're thinking: how many Levites are between thirty and fifty years of age and therefore must help carry the items of the tabernacle? Go ahead and guess. From the description of the items in the tabernacle, you might guess about twenty, maybe twenty-five. You'd be wrong. There are eight thousand five hundred and sixty men between thirty and fifty years of age. There must be an awful lot of tchotchkes that went unmentioned to warrant that many men.

As mentioned before, keeping the tabernacle pure is of paramount importance. What hasn't been mentioned is that that need for purity extends to the entire camp. As such, all of those considered impure, whether through accident or volition, must be made pure. That means anyone with leprosy, the clap, or who came into contact with a corpse must be put out of camp, presumably to go through the whole rigmarole of becoming clean again.

And speaking of the clap, one way to defile the camp's purity is to commit adultery. Actually, it's really only a woman cheating on her husband. In fact, a woman can be considered impure if her man is simply jealous and only thinks his wife has cheated on him, even if she didn't. Here's some trenchant commentary: that's fucked up, right? 

A woman can deny charges of infidelity all she wants to, but she still must appear before a priest who, after some mumbo jumbo with flour and oil, will make her drink bitter water. If she's guilty of adultery the water will cause her to have her period and forever miscarry; if she's innocent, nothing will happen and she'll be able to conceive normally. 

Or they can just believe her when her husband jealously accuses her of adultery. But we all know that ain’t gonna happen, so the bitter water it is.

Numbers 1, 2, 3

Amazing as it may seem, the Israelites have been in the desert for just two years. Hang in there, Moses! Only 38 more years to go!

The Lord tells Moses to gather together every male twenty years old and older who is eligible to go to war. Moses enlists the heads of each tribe of Israel to help with the census. He needs the help too, because each tribe has more than thirty-two thousand men who fit the bill--and some have more than sixty thousand. When everyone is accounted for, there are a total of 603,550 men eligible to defend Israel.

It's time to think of the enormous number of people who fled from bondage in Egypt and are now strolling around the desert. The over half a million number above represents just the men over twenty who are eligible for military duty. It doesn't include women, children, those too old to serve, twenty-year-old men with flat feet or poor eyesight, conscientious objectors, or anyone deemed unfit to serve. That's a hell of a lot of people eating sky bread and pigeons. It's also a hell of a lot of poo to dispose of every day.

Yet there is one group of Israelite that gets off easy: the Levites, makers of the first denim pants. As a group they are exempted from active duty to serve as glorified carnies, erecting the tabernacle whenever the Israelites make camp and breaking it down when they move on. Their lives now basically revolve around the tabernacle: they have to camp near it and defend it, killing any stranger who comes near, a scenario you'd think doesn't come up very often considering they're in a desert.

The Lord then details military formations when camp is made. On the east side of camp, 186,400 soldiers will settle; on the south side, 151,450; on the west side, 108,100; and on the north side, 157,600. The Levites camp in the middle, so that the tabernacle is protected on all sides. Why is anyone's guess. Considering God can light any on fire anyone who comes near the tabernacle whenever He wants too, the hundred-thousand-plus men on each side of the glorified tent is redundant. 

God lets Moses in on his reasoning for exempting the Levites from active duty and making them guardians of the tabernacle: "I have taken the Levites from among the children of Israel instead of all the firstborn that openeth the matrix among the children of Israel: therefore the Levites shall be mine;

Because all the firstborn are mine; for on the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be."

The best part of that quote is the innovative use of the word "matrix." I swear, the only synonym for vagina I will ever use again is "matrix." As in, "Stop being such a matrix," and "I want to put my penis in your matrix."

God then specifies which Levite families are responsible for which parts of the tabernacle and which direction their personal tents must face.

The Gershon family, who will pitch their tents facing west, is responsible for the meeting tent and its covering, the entrance door, and all the curtains and their cords. The Kohath family will sit to the south and tend to the ark, the table, the candlesticks, the altars, the vessels, and "the hanging," whatever that is. Bringing up the rear is the north-facing Merari clan, who get the boards, the bars, the pillars, the sockets, and the vessels of the tabernacle; they also get the pillars, sockets, pins, and cords of the court around the tabernacle. 

In case you are keeping count, the numbered members of the Levites--defined, for some reason, as any male over one month old, is 22,300. Presumably, the month-old babies don't have many responsibilities.

Moses and Aaron and his remaining sons get the east all to themselves because they love a good sunrise.

There's one more thing God wants Aaron to do: collect five shekels apiece from the 22,273 firstborn Levite males one month old or older and give the money over to Aaron and his boys. No word on where a one month old will get his pudgy hands on five shekels or when Moses will get paid for leading his people to the promised Land, which, as I've said, is surely just around the corner, I'm certain of it.

Leviticus 26, 27

Into the home stretch for what is definitely the most boring book of the Bible so far! I'm certain there will be many challengers to the title.

God kicks off the final chapters by stating--once again--that he's the best God there ever was and that the Israelites should worship Him, like, all the time, and not mess around with those ugly ass graven images. God's constant harping on this subject makes me wonder why the Israelites are so polyamorous when it comes to gods. Can't they just pick one and stay with it? make up you mind, people.

To ensure that the Israelites carve their and God's initials in the oak tree behind the school, he promises His people a whole bunch of cool shit if they keep all--and I do mean all--of His commandments. Doc, tell them what they'll get:

• Rain! (At the appropriate times, and not too much, and not too little)
• Crops with big yields!
• Trees with lots of fruit!
• Peace! (No really, God promises the Israelites peace)
• The eradication of dangerous animals! (Except tigers, because they're so cool. And bears. And venomous snakes. And wolves and deadly spiders and mosquitoes and barracuda and...)
• Victory in battle! (Which may or may not contradict the aforementioned peace)

Sounds awesome! I'm sure Israel can't wait for all that to happen. Especially the peace part.

But there is a simple explanation why some--or all--of these promises have not come to pass: the Israelites failed to pay attention to minutiae. For if God's commandments are not kept to the letter any of the following may occur:

• Diseases of the eyes and terrible, wasting fevers!
• Enemies who eat your food!
• Defeat in battle! (See bullet above)
• A sky turned to iron!
• A land turned to bronze!
• Famine! (See two previous bullets)
• Wild animals t will eat  your children!
• Eating constantly but never having a feeling of satiety!
• Cannibalism! (See bullet above)
• Diaspora!
• Ancraophobia!

But don't worry! God has a surefire way for you to get back into his good graces, which, based on the preceding list, you will definitely want to do. All you have to do is go back and re-read Leviticus and perform all of the actions and follow all the edicts God commanded of you. 

Yeah, I'd rather be afraid of the wind too.

Now that the Lord has kept you in line by threatening punishments, He answers one of life's most enduring questions: What is a life worth? If you're looking to make a dedication to the Lord then here's what is needed for each person according to their age:

• Male (20 to 60 years old): fifty shekels
• Female (20 to 60 years old): 30 shekels
• Male (5 to 20 years old): 20 shekels
• Female (5 to 20 years old): 10 shekels
• Male (1 month to 5 years old):5 shekels
• Female (1 month to 5 years old): 3 shekels
• Male (over 60 years old): 15 shekels
• Female (over 60 years old): 10 shekels

The bottom line: women aren't worth as much as men. A shocker, I know.

The rest of the chapter isn't very interesting. In fact, Leviticus isn't interesting at all and I'd rather not discuss it any more. 

Next up is Numbers, wherein Mo & Co finally make it to the Promised Land. Spoiler alert: things don't go as planned.

Leviticus 24, 25

God's feeling romantic. He wants Moses to get the mood right by lighting a few lamps and making Him cake. Twelve Cakes, actually. From the looks of it it's gonna be a looong night.

But before God and Moses can get their freak on, a man, whose mother is an Israelite and father is an Egyptian—I’m sure there’s a good story there— walks into the camp and gets into an argument with an Israelite man. My guess is the guy’s drunk. Regardless, during the fight, the half-Israeli man blasphemes and curses God. If you haven't been paying attention, that is a big no-no.

The only punishment for such a terrible transgression is, of course, stoning. To death. With stones. But in the very next sentence God says this: "And he that killeth any man shall surely be put to death." God then reiterates the eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth brand of justice: if you kill someone, you will be likewise put to death; if you injure someone, then the same injury will befall you. And then the Israelites stone the man to death.

Moses raises his hand. "So does that mean we all have to be put to death too? After all, we just killed this guy. The logical thing to do is for all of us to die too." 

God scratches his chin. "I'll get back to you on that,” He says, and never brings the subject up again.

Changing gears, God gives some farming advice: "Six years shalt thou sow thy field, and six years shalt thou prune thy vineyard...but in the seventh year...thou shalt neither sow thy field, nor prune thy vineyard." The Israelites aren't even allowed to pick crops that accidentally grow. And every fifty years is considered the Jubilee year, which is the year in which no crops can be reaped and no one can cheat their fellow man when selling goods--which, I assume, means that that people are free to cheat each other every other year.

This sets Moses to wondering what will everyone eat during the fallow years? God has the answer: bumper crops every six years. But we're talking big big big bumper crops, because not only does the food have to last during the year the land is left fallow it also has to last for the year it takes for the land to be re-sown and produce food in the eighth year. But the largest bumper crop of all must come every 48 years because in the forty-ninth year the crops must be fallow—it’s divisible by seven—then the fiftieth year is the Jubilee year, and then it will take another year to re-sow the fields and let the crops grow. Moses better get moving on those silos right away because that’s a lot of food to store.

All of this food talk is making Moses, who hasn't eaten anything but sky-bread and pigeons in God knows how long, so hungry that when he looks at the pillar of smoke that is God, all he sees is an enormous talking turkey leg.

God then turns to real estate, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. There appear to be two different arrangements. The first arrangement: if you buy land in the suburbs then the seller reserves the right to buy back the land whenever he can afford to. If he personally can't afford to then a relative can buy it back for him. But it doesn't really matter whether or not the seller can afford to buy back his home, because at the next Jubilee the land will revert back to him, just when the original buyer needs the money from the sale to fund his retirement. Nice going, God.

The second arrangement: if you buy land in a walled city the seller has a year to buy back his property. That's it. No Jubilee give-backs, no relatives to the rescue. I suspect Donald Trump is involved somehow.

God continues with the snooze fest by discussing banking, specifically prohibiting anyone from charging interest on loans. Oddly, though, an Israelite can sell himself to another Israelite, but he must not be treated as a slave. Oh no. Mere slavery is too good for an Israelite: he is to be considered a hired laborer, albeit one you don't pay and who cannot leave you no matter how badly you treat him. And he must be set free during the Jubilee year. 

This doesn't mean you have to give up being a slave owner. Don't be silly! You can still purchase non-Israelis to treat as property and pass down to your family members like Precious Moments figurines. Unless an Israelite is bought by a foreigner. Then the Israelite can be bought back by his family at any time and must be released in the Jubilee year. 

You can wake up now.

Leviticus 22, 23

Remember all that stuff that made people unclean? Neither do I, and I'm certainly not going to go over it again. Suffice it to say that a priest made unclean by any of those things cannot touch any item made holy unto the Lord. OK, let's move on.

God lists the individuals who can and cannot eat of the offerings made to Him. Let's start with those who cannot: a foreigner, a hired laborer, or a daughter who marries a foreigner. And those who can? Slaves; the children of slaves; and a daughter who married a foreigner but was widowed or divorced, provided she is childless. I suppose that a foreign slave who marries a childless widowed daughter would be acceptable too. 

But let's say, just for the sake of argument, that an unauthorized individual were to get up in the middle of the night for a little snack and eat some holy leftovers. Not saying it was me. This is purely a hypothetical. How would I--I mean, this totally made up person--make restitution to the priest? Easy: replace the food plus one-fifth extra, which the priest has to offer to the Lord, a process that has been explained before and is for some reason explained again. Jesus Christ, Lord, we're not deaf. We heard you the first hundred times.

Heaven forbid that anyone forget the true purpose of this here religion, God reinforces it--it's to praise God, in case you're new to this--by listing all of the holy days the Israelites must observe in His honor. They include:

• The Sabbath (occurs weekly)
• The fourteenth day of the first month, also known as Passover
• The fifteenth day of the same month, when you eat nothing but unleavened bread for a week
• The twenty-second day of the same month, where you crap a wicker basket from all that flat bread
• The first day of the seventh month
• The tenth day of the seventh month
• The fifteenth day of the seventh month, during which you must live in a hut for a week, which will somehow remind people that God brought them out of Egypt even though they are currently actually living in the desert and do not need to be reminded of the time they lived in the desert
• The twenty-second day of the seventh month, where you seriously consider converting to another religion so you can live in your own house all the time

The best part of all these holidays is that you have to use a half personal day to leave the office early to observe because the office is closed for Christian holy days only.

And one last thing: when the Israelites finally come to the Promised Land--which is totally just around the corner, I'm sure of it--there should be--surprise!--a feast for the Lord! As you can imagine, the feast involves lots of lambs and goats and bullocks and fistfuls of wave offerings and some juice boxes and a piñata. Just kidding about the last two, because they might be fun, and fun is reserved for pagans. And it's 40 years away, so I hope Moses is marking it on his perpetual calendar.

Leviticus 20, 21

Looks like God has got himself a pretty strong frenemy in an ancient God named Molech. I can only assume that the two of them—or should it be “Them”?—went to God School together and Molech beat the Lord out for the last spot on the student council. God has been bitter ever since.

Molech has been mentioned previously as a basic stand-in for idolatry, but here God specifically warns Moses against anyone sacrificing their children to this old god.

"But don't you remember when you tested Abraham's faith by commanding him to sacrifice his son to you?" Moses asks the Lord.

God scratches pulls on his beard and quickly changes the subject to the punishment those who sacrifice a child to Molech can expect. "The people of the land shall stone him [to death] with stones," God says, a method every rabid mob agrees is the best way to stone someone to death.

As has been demonstrated many times before, the bodyless spirit of the sky who only Moses can hear even when other people are around does not want the Israelites believing in any old fairy tale. To that end, anyone who communes with the spirits of the dead or seeks from them a divination, or who follows wizards, will be banished. This is when all the Catholic Harry Potter fans slink away to light candles to Saint Francis so they can find their car keys.

God then answers a question no one has asked: what crimes other than killing a child for Molech are punishable by death? As you can guess, it’s a list composed of things we’ve heard before:

• Adultery with another man's wife
• Having sex with his father's wife
• Screwing your daughter in law
• Homosexuality
• Marrying a woman and her mother
• Fucking animals (for some reason, a woman who fucks an animal is specifically mentioned)

It's important to note that everyone involved in these acts should be put to death--including the animals. I guess that’s fair, considering how baboons, with their enormous bright red swollen asses, are basically giant cock teases. They deserve to be killed.

God then reiterates again--yes, that's redundant, but so is God's countless reiterations--that the Israelites must keep all of His previously mentioned-like-a-million-times-already edicts about proper sexual conduct--like no having sex with a woman who's on her period--and keeping kosher. With all of His nagging, it’s clear that God thinks the Israelites are sullen teenage girls.  

From sex God moves to death, specifically, who can touch a dead body. Answer: the only dead bodies you can touch are those of your closest relatives. Quite the bummer if you're a mortician, but I'm sure God has his reasons for hating capitalism.

Priests, God reminds us, must be pure. That's why they can only marry virgins and never promiscuous, divorced, or widowed women. And if their daughters are promiscuous the girls should be burned at the stake, which can all agree is completely fair.

God also dictates an ADA-flouting list of excluding criteria for applicants to the priesthood. So if you’re blind, lame, or disfigured; have a broken hand or foot, conjunctivitis, scabs, scurvy, or "broken stones (aka crushed testicles); or a hunchback or dwarf, you are shit out of luck. Basically, God wants only Brad Pitt to be a priest.

Leviticus 19

The lists of dos and don'ts--and let's face it, it's mostly don'ts--continues.

You've heard some of these before: don't worship idols, honor your father and mother, when you burn God's dinner make sure to eat the leftovers by the second day or it is an abomination, don't steal or lie, act in the face of injustice, eschew clothes of mingled fabrics, don't commit adultery, don't eat blood, blah blah blah. You get the idea. But God does have some interesting edicts that no one but the Hassidim and Hipsters have even heard of. 

Here's some of what God wants you to do:

• Set aside the crops at the edge of your land, and leave some grapes on the vine, for the poor to gather and eat. Does it count if the poor people farmers let onto the fields to do the picking are the migrant workers they employ? Cheap labor and satisfying God’s commands? Win-win!
• Pay workers on the day they work. Or as the Bible puts it: "The wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all night until the morning." Do you think the CEO of Chick-fil-a hands out paychecks daily or do you think he uses ADP to pay his workers twice a month like everyone else?
• Abandon slapstick comedy: God forbids you from cursing the deaf--pointless anyway, if you think about it--or putting a "stumblingblock" in front of a blind man, even though it's fucking hilarious
• Judge the poor and the wealthy equally. That means that both the rich and poor have equal standing in the eyes of the law. But God didn't say anything about affording competent legal counsel. You're shit out of luck there, poor people
• Love your neighbor as your--hey! Hey Bob! Get your goddamn dog off my lawn, you stupid son of bitch! Clean that up, you stupid fuck! Get back here! I'm talking to you, you asshole! I'm gonna fucking kill you, you stupid bastard! I hate you!
• Grow out the hair at your temples and never trim your beard. And to think, all these years I never knew famed comic book writer Alan Moore was such a Bible nerd 
• Stand up when an old person enters the room. The Bible refers to the old as "the hoary head," which sounds like a frozen sex act. "Hey baby, wanna try that Hoary Head I read about last week in Antarctica Swingers magazine?" 
• Love immigrants. Yes, you heard me: God wants you to love immigrants. "But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." I'm sure John Boehner must have skipped Leviticus 19 by accident. He's sure to come around once someone shows him this passage
• Make sure the scales in the supermarket are correct. Imagine that: placing a thumb on a meat scale at the A&P is an abomination right up there with fucking a dog! It's that mistaken sense of equivalence that just encourages the dog fuckers of the world. Surely fucking an animal is worse that cheating someone on the price of organic portabellas, right?

And one big don't: tattoos. Which means Jim Bakker's son is in trouble.

Leviticus 18

God decides it's time to stop detailing the myriad ways His people can burn His dinner and sets down some rules for behavior. The first is a no-brainer: don't commit incest. (Lot's daughters could have benefitted from this advice a couple of books back, but better late than ever I suppose.) Prohibitions against incest strike me as being redundant. Doesn't it go without saying? Is it really necessary to tell people not to have sex with their mothers? Are there any cultures in the world where incest is allowed? I'm sure the National Geographic Channel could track some down, but I'm gonna go assume that God doesn't really need to waste His breath on incest.

However, the ban on incest extends to nonblood family as well, so not only can't you pork your uncle, you can't pork his wife, either. Any in-laws, really. Sound advice for familial stability, but it makes for a boring Thanksgiving.

And no threesomes with a mother and her daughter. Not that, you know, anyone would even want to do such a thing. God just thought he'd mention it in case anyone ever invents porn.

God lists other things one shouldn't do: have your children give offerings to other Gods, sleep with your neighbor's wife, fuck animals--all of which have been covered previously. What God needs is some new material.

And that's where the gays come in.

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as you would womankind," God says. "It is an abomination." Which means that technically God is cool with lesbianism. He also thinks it's hot. Very, very hot. 

What bothers the pro-gay crowd--of which I could count myself a member--is the cherry picking involved in picking up the no-homosexuality football and running with it. You may recall that many of the previous "abominations" centered on food yet conservative Christians can sit around a plate of shrimp cocktail debating whether homosexuals should be allowed to marry without fear of retribution. Somehow Jesus magically made beef stroganoff acceptable to eat but not homosexuality. Once again, Susan B. Anthony was right when she said, "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires."

I'm all for rationalization. How would any of us get through the day without it? But what I don't care for is obvious inconsistency. Christians will claim that even though Jesus wiped away the need for food-based abominations He maintained the social behavior ones. That explains why incest is still considered taboo. So far, so good. I'm with the Christians there.

But what about adultery?

Adulterous behavior is not only banned in the same book as the ban against homosexuality, it's banned just a few lines previous. And adultery has been mentioned unfavorably many times before. So I ask: where are the marches on Washington calling for laws making adultery illegal? Or calling for a constitutional amendment making it illegal for adulterers to marry?

Those laws will never be written. Because sometimes being consistent means changing your beliefs, and no one really wants to do that, especially when their religious views are at stake.

Leviticus 15, 16, 17

God, fresh off his “cure” for leprosy, tackles another scourge of the ancient world: the clap. It's not just the man with the drips who is unclean; everything the guy touches in unclean—other people, beds, clothes, saddles, jars—as is anyone who touches anything he made unclean. Hell, anyone Mr. Clap spits on is unclean too. But how is anyone to know when the person who spit on them has VD? I guess that once you wipe you goober from your face you have to politely inquire, “Do you have the clap?” What else can you do?

And let's talk about semen. God says that "if a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of them must bathe in water and will be unclean until evening." Hold on—I've got to call my wife.

Somehow menstruation is lumped into the same category as VD, because during her period a woman is unclean for a week and anything she touches is unclean. Again, determining when a woman has her period is tough. Can I sit on that subway seat? If any woman on her period sat on it in the past week, the answer is no. To be safe, I suppose I’ll stand all day. And guys, don’t even think about earning your red wings. Doing anything with your wife’s “flowers”—that’s Bible speak for “vagina”—makes you unclean, in more than the obvious way.

The path to cleanliness for the above is the same as for previous defilements: lots of trips to the dry cleaner, bubble baths, and killing animals and sprinkling their blood.

An interesting tidbit: chapter 16 is where we get the concept of the scapegoat. God gives Aaron the power to transfer the inequities of the people of Israel to a goat, which, after some obligatory mumbo-jumbo before the Lord in the tabernacle and the killing of another goat and the smearing of its blood everywhere, is set free, presumably to enjoy its life burned with the sins of strangers. Just like the guy in your office who got fired for fucking up that new business pitch even though it was really Jim's fault. Fuck Jim, man. He's a douche.

God designates every July 10th as Scapegoat Day. I think this is a great idea and submit that once a year we should come together as a nation, transfer all of our sins, transgressions, and ill feelings toward one another to a goat, and then instead of setting it free we place it in a petting zoo on the National Mall so we can feel superior to it. Just like we feel superior to that asshole Jim. 

Now that the goat has been set free, God feels the need to pad the Good Book and reiterate some salient points. One, everyone has to sacrifice an animal or two every once in a while. Two, sacrifice to God only and not to some other bullshit god who is clearly not as loving and generous--cough cough--as the One True God. Three, don't eat blood; it's gross. 

And one more thing: if you eat an animal you found dead in the woods, take a bath. You have major cooties.

Leviticus 14

You may be wondering how, exactly, a leper can be made clean again. Nowadays, leprosy is treated with antibiotics. But in the time before science? You won't be surprised to learn that the Bible's remedy leans heavily on dipping stuff in blood.

Here's the recipe: In an earthen vessel, run water over a bird as you kill it. Then take another bird--a live bird this time--and some cedar wood, scarlet, and hyssop and dip them all in the runoff of the bird you just killed. Sprinkle the bloody water over the leper, let the wet live bird free, and voila! You now have a leper halfway home to clean.

To finish up the magic our leper must wash his clothes, shave off all his hair--all of it, which means some manscaping--and take a shower. Then he must sleep outside of his tent for a week, just because he's a dirty leper and no one wants to find pieces of skin on the dining room table. 

On the seventh day, the leper must perform another full-body shave, wash his clothes again, and take another shower. The next day he must make an offering unto the Lord of two male lambs and a one-year-old ewe and flour and oil. The priest who slaughters the animals should smear some of the blood on the soon-to-be-cured leper's right ear, right thumb, and right big toe (also known as the thumb toe), and take some of the oil, pour it in his left hand, and sprinkle seven times before the Lord. With his palm oiled up, the priest should feel free to jerk it around a little. No sense in wasting good oil, I say.

If there's any oil left over from his Onanism, the priest should use it to consecrate the leper's right-side parts again and pour the rest over his head.

If the leper is one of the bottom 47% who are going to vote for Obama because they are sucking off the teat of the rich then the process is the same except that he can offer one lamb, the flour and oil, and two turtledoves or two pigeons. You know, poor people's sacrifice.

And as quick as you can say "this is total bullshit" the leper is all better now. Makes one wonder why no one cures diseases this way anymore.

God then tells Moses and Aaron that when they reach Canaan He is going to plague a house with leprosy. Moses thinks this is a total dick move, but then remembers that God hardened the heart of the Pharaoh and then punished the poor guy for having a hard heart. Another total dick move.

In preparation of this dickish inevitability, God tells Moses and Aaron how to handle it. Basically, a priest has to confirm that the house is contaminated. If it is, the place is quarantined for a week. The purification begins by carrying away the infected stones and scraping away the top layer of all the walls and carting the infected dust to the dump of a poor neighborhood and then replacing the infected stones with new stones. If the place is still unclean then it must be torn down. My suggestions: just tear the place down in the first place. 

If it turns out the house the clean after the seven-day quarantine then the priest has to make another batch of bird-blood water and sprinkle the house with it.

This is obviously much more efficacious than God telling everyone about germ theory and dropping some Rifampin from the sky every day along with manna.

Leviticus 12, 13

We now turn away from unclean animals to unclean people, specifically women and those with leprosy. It's difficult to tell which group is held in lower esteem. Probably women, because there's always the chance a lepers could get better.

After a woman has a boy, she's considered unclean for a week and must wait 33 days more to be purified before she touches any hallowed thing or enters the sanctuary. Considering that the one natural childbirth I attended definitely featured more excrement than What to Expect When You're Expecting prepared me for, I can see where God's coming from on this one. For some reason, though, if a woman gives birth to a girl then mom is considered unclean for two weeks and must wait 66 days more until she is purified. I can only assume that the reason for this has something to do with the high regard in which most religions hold women.

To complete her purification, the mother must make an offering at the tabernacle door and give it to a man, who will make the sacrifice for her because, because God knows she shit the bed during childbirth and won’t let her in the door because He's disgusted by it.

And just in case you've forgotten: on the eighth day of the baby boy's life he should have a piece of his dick cut off. You're welcome.

If you think you have leprosy the best thing to do is make an appointment with your dermatologist immediately. Except that this is the Bible, so you have to go see blood-dappled, girdle-wearing Aaron--or one of his surviving sons, or a priest--who will take one look at your deep-skin plague and declare you unclean, without even giving you an Rx for Cortaid. 

If Aaron et al don't think you have leprosy but can't really be sure because real doctoring had yet to be invented, they shut you in a room for a week. If at the end of the week they still aren't sure, they shut you in a room for another week. If at the fortnight’s end they decide you absolutely do not have leprosy, praise the Lord! You're clean! Just take a shower and get the hell out of here, you crazy kid, and we’re sorry for the inconvenience, please don’t sue us.

But if at the end of the two weeks it kinda looks like you sorta have leprosy after all, you have to see a priest, who will declare you unclean.

The rest of chapter 13 is a confusing mess of symptoms written to help guide Aaron, his sons, or a priest through the decision tree of leprosy diagnosis: Are there white hairs present? Is the plaque lower than the surrounding skin, and dark? Is there a red boil that stays in place, or does it move? Is there a burning hot spot of flesh, and does it have white hairs? Is your scalp dry? Do you have white spots on your skin? If any of this sounds familiar to you I hope you have a low deductible because you probably have leprosy, and even if you don't definitively have leprosy the priest will lock you up for a week or two just to make certain.

But if you do have leprosy, you have some things to do:

1.     Don't touch any more armadillos. They are known vectors for leprosy. 

2.     Tear up your clothes, don't wear hats, cover your upper lip, and cry out, "Unclean! Unclean!"

3.     Live alone until the leprosy clears up. Which means you live alone.

4.     Give your ripped clothes to the priest, who will lock them up for a week to see if the leprosy grows on them.

If the plague hasn't spread then the priest should wash your shirt, presumably to wear it again. But it was just torn in half. By a leper. I say burn the damn thing, which is exactly the recommendation for a shirt known to have leprosy on it. To be on the safe side, I'd just burn all of the leper's clothes.

And chase all the armadillos out of town for good measure.

Leviticus 10, 11

This is a long one, so grab yourself a snack and read on.

Actually, why don't you hold off on that snack until you reach the end, just to be safe.

Having just witnessed the Lord consume the burnt offerings with a bitchin’ flame, two of Aaron's sons, Abi'hu and Na'dab, thought it would be cool to return the favor. They take a censer, fill it with incense and fire, and offer this "strange fire" to the Lord, who does the only rational thing: He kills them both because He didn't specifically ask for strange fire.

Aaron wants to object, but Moses holds him back. Probably a smart move, considering the Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen treatment his sons just received. Moses instructs Aaron's cousins to carry the charred bodies in their coats out of the camp. He tells Aaron not to mourn his sons' death, instead leaving that task to all of Israel. Furthermore, Aaron is forbidden from accompanying his dead sons out of the tabernacle because he still has the anointing oil on him, and, randomly, forbids him from ever entering the tabernacle drunk. Way to ruin any chance that Aaron is going to be able to come to terms with the violent death of his sons, Lord.

Moses commands Aaron and his two remaining sons, and his daughters too, to eat the remainder of the burnt offerings but discovers that Aaron's sons have already burned an offering out of turn. He's a bit upset about the out-of-order burnt offerings and starts to ream the boys until Aaron steps in. 

"Dude, I have had the worst day so just back off," Aaron says. Moses, for once, shuts his stuttering mouth.

God, showing no remorse, launches into a long list of the types of food that should never be eaten. They are considered such an abomination that you can't even touch them! That’s how serious the Lord takes these food rules, rules that no Christian in the world follow. That’s an important thing to remember while discussing homosexuality a little bit later.

Let’s get to the bullet points!

• It's OK to eat animals that have cloven hooves
 and chew their cud. The conjunction is important because an animal must have both characteristics to be considered clean. That's why keeping kosher means no bacon: pigs have cloven hooves but they do not chew a cud. It also means no eating camel, for the opposite reason: camels chew a cud but have uncloven hooves. I imagine that when you're traveling through the desert eating nothing but dirty sky-bread all day being forbidden from eating camel must have been a real hardshipFish are tasty because they have scales and fins. Anything else that lives in the water that doesn't meet those criteria are out. That's why you never see shrimp cocktail at a bris

• The following birds are no-nos: 
eagles, ospreys, vultures, kites, ravens, falcons, owls--for some reason the little owl and the great owl are called out by name--hawks, cuckoos, cormorants, swans, pelicans, storks, herons, lapwings, and bats—which, you may or may not know, are not birds but mammals. That’s just a tiny little mistake that in no way calls into question the inerrancy of the Bible. After all, bats neither have cloven hooves nor chew a cud, so I guess it's still cool. By exclusion from the list, other birds are good to eat, I guess, which explains why Chicken Almond Ding is still on the menu at every Chinese restaurant in Brooklyn

• The KJV says that "all fowls that creep, going on all four" are abominations. I had to Google what that meant, and it turns out it means insects, which back before science was in vogue must have made some sense because insects have six legs. Again, this tiny little mistake in no way calls into the question the inerrancy of the Bible. But some insects are considered clean: those that have "legs above their feet, to leap withal the earth"--meaning legs with joints--which includes locusts and grasshoppers and, for some reason, beetles, even though they have jointed legs but don't hop around like grasshoppers do. I'm not going to quibble because I agree that eating insects in an abomination. And since you can't touch the carcass of an unclean animal you basically can't squish any creepy crawly you find wandering your house. Except maybe spiders, because they're not insects but they are total assholes

• Animals that have semi-divided but not fully cloven hooves and do not chew a cud

• Animals that go on four paws--which I assume means that Jews cannot be veterinarians--specifically weasels, mice, ferrets, and moles

• Tortoises. No word on turtles. Then again, this was written before taxonomy was a big subject so turtles might be included

• Chameleons, "the lizard," and snails

• Did you find a dead mouse in a flower pot? Break that unclean pot! 

• Did the water you used to clean the cooties off come into contact with edibles drinking vessels? Those things are now magically unclean! And don't water the garden with that gray water like Ed Begley, Jr wants you to. If you do you'll contaminate all the unborn plants

• Did a piece of dead dog find its way into your kitchen and did it suddenly appear in your oven or crock pot or skillet? Dismantle all that shit and throw it out--unclean!

• Did you find a rat in the well? No worries. As long as there's a lot of water in the well it will still be clean

• Did any good-to-eat food animals die and fall onto an unapproved-to-eat food animal? Too bad, now it's also unclean!

So those are the rules for which animals can and can't be eaten or touched. Now we move on to the animals whose dead bodies can't even be touched--that's how disgusting they are. No word is written about their edibility, but I'm guessing it's forbidden.

Generally, though, it appears that if you catch cooties from touching any of the above you're only unclean until the sun goes down, and then you only have to take a shower to get clean again. Easy enough fix for enjoying some scallops, I say. Except for the following list of exceptions, all of which focus on the things that come into contact with unclean carcasses.

Other than that, bon appétit!