Exodus 30, 31, 32

Moses is running out of paper to write all of these instructions down, but God isn't done yet. He wants Moses to make something else: an altar for burning incense. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say it's made of shittim wood and is--of course--slathered in gold. Aaron is to burn sweet incense--duh--in the incense altar whenever he meets with God in the tabernacle.

The children also have some work to do, because everyone over 20 owes half a shekel as "a ransom for his soul unto the Lord," which is to be used for the general upkeep of the tabernacle. That gold isn't going to buy itself, people. Every Israelite, rich or poor, owes the same amount, which really makes the ransom a regressive tax. No wonder conservatives love the Bible so much.

Moses also has to make a small basin out of brass for Aaron and his sons to wash their hands and feet in before entering the tabernacle. Then he has to concoct a smelly oil and basically go on an anointing jag, smearing the stuff on absolutely everything: the tabernacle, the ark, the table, the candlestick, the altar for the burnt offerings, Aaron himself and his sons. Moses might as well just fill a tub and flea dip everything in sight. It would be quicker.

But there's a catch: if anyone makes counterfeit oil or smears the OG oil on a stranger, he will be exiled forever. The punishment seems out of proportion to the crime, but hey, it's the Bible.

Moses also needs to make a perfume, which I assume will be spritzed inside the tabernacle to mask the stench of burned ram's horns and dyed badger skins that have been baking in the desert sun. And don't even think about spraying some on passersby in Macy's or you'll be exiled too.

But before Moses leaves the mountaintop, God gives him the Ten Commandments written on two stone tablets and reminds him of the most important commandment of all: keep holy the Sabbath. "If there's one takeaway from all of this, Moses, it's don't forget about me," God says. "Got it? I'm numero uno, right? Forget that and you're toast. Comprende?"

"You got it," Moses says. "Everyone knows that you're the boss. Who could ever forget that?"

Here's what Moses didn't know: while he was on the mountaintop for 40 days and nights, the Israelites were getting a tad antsy. Without their leader and his God around they went--bear with me; I'm going to get a bit technical here--"batshit crazy." They approached Aaron with their desire to simply create some new gods to fill the 40-day-long void they've been living through. Aaron, having served as the mouthpiece for Moses and the chief magician behind the plaques, and after having seen what God can do to those who oppose Him, loses his mind and thinks that this is an excellent idea.

Aaron commands the people to give him the jewelry they had "borrowed" from the Egyptians before they escaped to the desert, which he melts down and casts into a golden calf  for everyone to worship. He even builds it an altar for the idol. Wait until you see the expression on Aaron's face when he learns about all the awesome clothes he would've gotten to wear if he hadn't just royally pissed of the one true God!

God, as you may have learned from the countless times He's said how psychopathically jealous He is, is just a little miffed about the golden calf. Moses, amazingly, is able to talk God off the ledge, but when he himself sees the people dancing naked around the graven idol he throws the stone tablets at them and grinds the golden calf into a fine powder, pours water over it, and forces everyone to drink it, Jim Jones style.

Aaron, in a manner befitting most people when they get caught making graven idols, claims that he really had nothing at all to do with that thing, what is it? A calf? How did that get here? "Hey," Aaron says, looking a lot like Gilbert Gottfried, "you know the Israelites, am I right? They're up to mischief all the time! They gave me their gold and I threw it in the fire and it came out looking like a calf. Can you imagine such a thing?"

Moses, still peeved, stands by the gates of the camp and demands to know who among them is on the side of Lord. Only the sons of Levi step up. So Moses has really one choice, which is to have the sons of Levi kill three thousand people who worshipped the idol. Three thousand! He then goes back up the mountain--for a much shorter period, I'm sure--and begs God to forgive the people, and if He can't find it in Himself to forgive everyone then He should feel free to simply punish Moses for everyone's actions. Uncharacteristically, God declines Moses' kind offer of misplaced punishment and decides to just plague everyone who worshipped the idol instead. Not sure how many that is, considering that they were just murdered.

  

God finishes up by telling Moses to get back to what's left of the Israelites and continue following the angel of God through the desert, because it's totally going great so far.